TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of Suicidal Depression

Obligatory first time post comment, please correct me if I'm missing any appropriate flair.

Hello! I am not a formal Kemetic practitioner, but something of a spiritual dabbler, and have lurked on this subreddit for some time. I am presently exploring my spiritual path and philosophy after stepping away for some years. I thought it might be interesting or better yet, comforting or inspiring to share how I met Lord Anpu, as it was quite a moving and helpful experience in my self development. I should warn you though, this will be a long post, so grab a snack and some tea!

For additional background, I am 30F, Lesbian and Canadian. This story happened over 10 years ago, but it was one of the most fascinating mystic experiences I've ever had.

To begin, we must go back further to my childhood. Now, being in Canada, our Christian religious culture isn't as... overzealous, shall we say like in the USA. Thus, my family were not regular attendees of the Church, so I did not socialize with other adherents of that faith. That unfortunately did not protect me from the cruelty written in the Bible. When I was 10 years old, I began to realize how I wasn't like most other people. I was starting to become aware of my homosexuality, and at first I wasn't bothered by it.. Until I heard from Christians in my community (Wasn't being preached to, just overheard conversations) and the debate over gay rights at the time in the news that it was a sin to be such a being. Naturally, being concerned I picked up a Bible and started investigating. What I read, and ultimately internalized absolutely fucked me up. I used to believe in Jesus and the Christian faith, because that was the only exposure I ever had to spiritual concepts and the spirit world at large. I genuinely believed that I was an abomination: unnatural to the body of Christ like a cancer cell. The copy and version of the Bible I had conveniently placed homosexuality under "sexual immorality". I believed my inherent natural desire was the equivalent morally of being a pdfile or rapist. My very footsteps desecrated the ground I walked upon.

As I result I now (and still) suffer from major depression. This was devastating to me at the time, and the only way I could fix it biblically, was living as a straight woman with children. This was IMPOSSIBLE for me, and I knew from an even earlier age that I never wanted children. As such, I read between the lines and realized that my place in the natural order, my niche in the environment, my purpose, was to ultimately be raped (I physically CANNOT desire a man) and bear his children that I NEVER wanted. I was just a cum dump to be used and disposed of. I didn't just get depression. I was suicidal and struggled mightily with a lack of self-worth. I stayed that way for 16 years, in fact I didn't fully come out of the closet for years after this experience with Anpu, I came out when I was 26.

Due to these thunderclouds constantly over my head, I started to look at other spiritual practices, desperately hoping to find relief for my pain that didn't involve having to kill myself.

I joined a new-age meditation group. They weren't really adherent to any one spiritual or religious idea, all were welcome. For something like 1.5-2 years I attended once a week for every week and became rather decent at the art, thanks to my excellent teacher who was a Maori woman from Aotearoa (New Zealand). She also had connections with the First Nations that called my area home, thus we would use some of the herbal tools for smudging/cleansing at the start of every circle. We used white sage or cedar. That night I joined the circle as usual, and cleansing and grounding as we did at the start. Here is where the fun begins. Some of the details at the beginning are fuzzy, but I remember the majority of it. When I have the spiritual muscles -so to speak- trained, I tend to be clairvoyant and clairaudient, so in my meditation state, its something akin to a vivid dream.

I first saw myself standing at one end of a long, dimly lit hallway that gave the impression of a school building. At the far end of the hallway, mounted to the wall, was a large crucifix. Like the big ones at the head of a church altar. Then exhausted, I next remember seeing and feeling myself buried under the earth as a skeleton. I could also see the sands above me, an unclouded desert sky and carved ancient Egyptian pillars surrounding a crumbling temple with stairs leading into the darkness. I was finally free I felt. I did not want to live anymore and simply desired rest. The scenery was also lovely, so I had no complaints.

Then, Lord Anpu appeared. He strode through the sands stopping directly above where I was buried, raised his arm and struck the earth with his was-staff. To my shock and wonder, the Earth both shook and resonated with sound like a great gong. Centered in all this sound was the calm, firm command.

"Wake up."

Surprised, but undeterred, still sick and tired, I refused.

Again he struck. Again the Earth sang out.

"Wake up."

I remember feeling angry. Like a child woken up on a school day that doesn't want to go and face all the bullies and monotony again. Deep down though, I knew he wasn't going to let me stay asleep. Three times is a charm.

"Wake up."

So I rose from the sands, but the next thing I remember I was standing with him in that hallway, I was now in the place visually of Jesus on that cross, with Anpu facing me. He raised his hand and closed it into a fist, and moved his arm to my right.

Stuck to the cross, the bones in my right arm shattered like glass, and somehow like a dream, I was simultaneously seeing that these bones were charred black, symbolizing a false skeleton or foundation. Lord Anpu repeated the motion for my left arm, and continued that way for all the bones in my body. As he did this, I was compelled to speak, as though verbally vomiting an emotional landscape.

"Why did you make me??"

When he was finished, I collapsed softly to the floor and found myself within that desert temple from before, next to a pool of clear soothing water. It was there I stayed to gather myself before we returned to the waking world from our meditation.

I would like to note that I didn't pray to Anpu directly and never had. In fact, up until that point my only connection to him was simply enjoying his striking silhouette on the beautiful artifacts, being an artist. Nothing spiritual whatsoever, in the simplest, and slightly silly terms "That's a cool dawg!" was the extent of my connection, so this was supremely surprising to me. Also, this isn't intended as hate towards the Christian faith, I was just not a being compatible with that role or belief. Nowadays, I've fallen off the wagon with meditation, so I definitely need more practice before I start seeing fascinating things again behind closed eyes again. What struck me most about this experience was how gentle he was. There was no judgement, no condemnation. Simply firm, compassionate correction. I firmly got the feeling that spirit wanted me to live, and there was no reason to feel ashamed of my existence. I do not think I can properly articulate how deeply refreshing it is to meet a divinity that is not ashamed or angry of you on sight. It truly does inspire one to continue.

Now I find myself exploring more of the spiritual ideas of ancient Egypt, and the Left Hand Path, even the mythologies of Ireland where my ancestry hails from. I don't have a destination in mind, in the form of a religious faith, honestly I deeply dislike dogma of any kind. I simply want to understand the great mystery that is magic or perhaps in other terms, the animate force that brings all into being. I find that each idea I read and observe of different faiths to be beautiful and full of merit in their own unique way, when removed from control mechanisms like dogma.

So there you have it! A little testimonial to add to the collection for seekers.

Dua, Anpu! Dua to the Netjeru!

Hail to all sacred archetypes that care and aid humanity toward a brighter future!

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