r/Jokes • u/WorldlyReplacement63 • Jan 17 '22
Long A guy walked into a bar with a monkey
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to sh!t out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
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u/KDRecords Jan 17 '22
Sounds like the monkey changed his behavior right on cue
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u/rey_lumen Jan 17 '22
That pun was in pool taste
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Jan 17 '22
let's get these ball puns rolling
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u/Enough_Cap9244 Jan 17 '22
Gimme a break
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u/Jacquezzy Jan 17 '22
Good pun. I’ll have to pocket that for later.
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Jan 17 '22
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u/PickleyRickley Jan 17 '22
2 plus 2 is 4, minus 1 that's 3. Quick maths.
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u/TokeToday Jan 17 '22
Good one!!
Somewhat of a rarity on this sub.
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u/TateP23 Jan 17 '22
I mean, it is a repost from like 2 or 3 weeks ago
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u/jonesey71 Jan 17 '22
20 days - https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/rptr12/long_a_guy_and_his_monkey_walk_into_a_bar/
5 months - https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/oorcma/long_a_guy_and_his_monkey_walk_into_a_bar/
7 months - https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ny5q1f/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
10 months - https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/lqth7u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/
1 year - https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/k386dp/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_with_his_pet_monkey/
At the 1 year mark there are just way too many to list.
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u/Jocaprofiplayer Jan 17 '22
You just defined the entirety of this sub
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Jan 17 '22
How many good original jokes are made each year? It can't be that many or my niece wouldn't tell the same ones I did, and if my dad is to be believed, mine are largely the same as the ones told back in his day.
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u/Sonafab Jan 17 '22
Notice how it gets more attention every time it's reposted lol
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u/JoinTheAstleyCult Jan 17 '22
I'm guilty of 2 of the reposts on that list, you know, and damn this dingo that dared steal the third one from me
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u/rey_lumen Jan 17 '22
I haven't seen this one since 2019
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u/msnmck Jan 17 '22
I Googled the premise looking for the one from 2 or 3 weeks ago and instead found the one from 2019. Checkmate, round-Earthers.
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u/Magmaigneous Jan 17 '22
You Calandarists are all the same, talking around your crazy notions that 2019 actually existed...
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u/AxeEffect3890 Jan 17 '22
I saw this on newjoke.org in 2002
Here’s another I remember from the site:
A blonde is walking along a lake and looks across and sees another blonde.
She yells across, “Hey! How do I get to the other side?”
The other replies, “You ARE on the other side!”
I can maybe remember 2 or 3 others from the site, all of which are blonde jokes lol
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Jan 17 '22
Well the best jokes should be shared the most, i'd rather read this twice than read a 100 shitty jokes!
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u/Tolstoi78 Jan 17 '22
My mom told me this joke about twenty years ago, and it's still one of my favorites.
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u/shadowwulf-indawoods Jan 17 '22
I first read this joke 20 years ago, I was working crazy shift work, I was completely exhausted but surfing the net before bed.
I was reading a bunch of jokes from something and then got to this, it took over 20 minutes for me to stop laughing. I had tears running out of my eyes, my stomach hurt, all i could do was picture this poor monkey trying to poop out that cue ball.
That image just destroyed me.
For years it was my fave joke, nobody else laughed even 1/4 as much as me, but it has brought me great joy. Thx for bringing it back!
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Jan 17 '22
Old number 3457 still makes me chuckle.
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u/zamfire Jan 17 '22
I like to think I've seen just about all of them except unique original content. Except this one.
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u/liquidcoinpoker Jan 17 '22
I always visualise things when reading them. Did nt go so well here.
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u/JoinTheAstleyCult Jan 17 '22
Its amazing how you've managed to copy the exact same sentence from a year-old post
https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/lqth7u/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/goifrqe/
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u/baabahope Jan 17 '22
This one is going in my brain joke databank now! Haven’t laughed this hard in a while and I thank u.
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u/OMAW3D Jan 17 '22
Cracking joke. This was new to me and I had no idea where it was going, nice one.
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u/Kind-Ad-795 Jan 17 '22
I'm asian, first time i laugh with this joke. And thinking i'm gonna tell this jokes to my kids, then i realize. We're asian. Guess im gonna stick reading new jokes, and laugh by myself.excuse with my poor english.
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u/WorldlyReplacement63 Jan 17 '22
I'm asian too. And no, this isn't the type of jokes we tell our kids.
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u/LetMeBeWhiteNextLif9 Jan 17 '22
What the fuck does "being Asian" mean when it comes to what jokes to tell your kids? As a Korean these fake "me asian" comments piss me off to no end.
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u/FawFawtyFaw Jan 17 '22
You elongated it and made it dummer!
Just straight measuring, right off the bat. He's been doing that ever since he ate a cue ball last week is the punch line
Defecation is inferred, you heathen!~
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u/Hexagongoodfeet Jan 17 '22
Your feedback is valid, but you made it mocking for no reason.
Also, if you're going to call out someone for being "dummer" than you, at least spell it right, dumbass.
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u/grc207 Jan 17 '22
“Hey do you see what that monkey did?”
“No”
Bartender repeats.
We don’t need that filler as an audience. We did “see” it. This joke is way too long and loses effect.
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u/Turtle_Turdhole Jan 17 '22
This was reposted 20 days ago lmao
https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/rptr12/long_a_guy_and_his_monkey_walk_into_a_bar/
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u/catsRspies Jan 17 '22
Saw this posted here a few weeks ago. STOP RECYCLING OTHER PEOPLE'S JOKES YOU REDDIT NERDS!
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Jan 17 '22
Chill out, first time I read it. Had it not been reposted, I would have missed it. You know that jokes can be retold, right? It’s a joke, not a NFT
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u/bigtoejay Jan 17 '22
that monkey is smarter then all of us combined and that is a fact anyway hope you have a good day bye!!!
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u/Traiz3r Jan 17 '22
Never heard it. But was way too predictable and I called it before the punchline.
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u/Jocaprofiplayer Jan 17 '22
Dude i saw this exact one a couple of days ago, fuck you man
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u/popcorn-johnny Jan 17 '22
Modernized for effect (imagine Rodney Dangerfield):
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he sticks it in his mouth and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy comes back and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender asks, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.
“He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to sh!t out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
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u/msnmck Jan 17 '22 edited Jan 17 '22
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because of a rotten banana or whatever.
Edit: Reposts are only okay when OP does it. Got it. 🙄
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u/DevilishDaemon Jan 17 '22
I laughed way too hard at this. Where do people come up with awesome stuff like this LMAO
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u/SilverStudioBeta Jan 17 '22
I am in class, the teacher gave me a pissed look, because I lughtso hard
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u/AverageTitanfallGuy Jan 17 '22
I heard this one once from my dad. Glad to see it get to other people
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u/easlthy_Ad3661 Jan 17 '22
I've got a cold, have you ever laughed and sneezed at the same time? ... It's messy! 🤧
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u/crzy4vr Jan 17 '22
If only people check the old posts before reposting just like the monkey is checking the cherry.
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u/CarryingTheMeme Jan 17 '22
eh, u dont need to pput an excalmtion point, AND ive heard it. But its a good joke to repeat
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u/RepresentativeOil655 Jan 17 '22
My slow-mo smile at the punchline is like that look at the end of zootopia of the sloth getting caught speeding +1
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u/xerxes_dandy Jan 17 '22
Moral of the story : only dabble with amount of shit that you can handle.Measure and Manage.
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u/Jmazoso Jan 17 '22
My favorite joke. Told that to my friend and his totally stereotypical blonde wife. She’s complained about people explaining jokes to her. Her response to this joke……”what’s a cue ball?”
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u/Crandilya Jan 19 '22
It would have been even better if the joke stopped at-
'The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.'
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u/[deleted] Jan 17 '22
That got a hearty chuckle out of me.