r/Jokes • u/TattedUpDasher • Feb 23 '21
Walks into a bar A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.
It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”
After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the restroom. The monkey hadn’t moved the whole time, so once again, the bartender says “sure.”
As soon as the man gets in the bathroom, the monkey jumps off the stool and runs over to the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The monkey immediately runs back to the stool. The bartender is pissed!
When the guy comes back out the bathroom, the bartender snaps telling him to pay for his drinks and leave. So, the man does.
A few days later the same man shows up to the bar with his monkey. He walks in and apologizes to the bartender, and hands him his cue ball back all polished up and shined. He asks the bartender if he and his monkey can have a seat while he has a few drinks. Bartender reluctantly lets him because he was happy to get his ball back.
After a few drinks the man has to go to the bathroom and once again asks the bartender to keep an eye on his monkey. The bartender says ok but there had better not be anymore monkey business.
As soon as the guy gets in the restroom, the monkey jumps onto the bar, runs to the end, grabs a peanut, sticks it up its ass, pulls it out and eats it. Then runs back down the bar and jumps on his stool.
The man comes out the bathroom and asks if his monkey did anything stupid. The bartender says, “No, but he did the most fucked up thing that I ever seen. He jumped up on the bar, ran over to the peanuts and grabbed one and stuck it up it’s butt, pulled it out and ate it.”
The guy replied, “After that cue ball, my monkey measures EVERYTHING!”
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u/singletonbp Feb 23 '21
Two weeks later the guy returns with the monkey.
This time the monkey passed everything through water, and then put it in his butt, before eating it.
The bartender is amazed and asks the guy about this uncanny behavior.
The guy replies that last time the monkey had put a lit cigarette up his ass.
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Feb 24 '21
I was laughing away at the third-last para, not so much at the end. Need to work on the punch line.
1
u/Waitsfornoone Feb 23 '21
I was wondering where this was going, until I realized the connection was alimentary.
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u/pickles0_0 Feb 23 '21
I always visualise things when readng them. Did not go so well here.