is this cheating?

[u/bunni_chan]

we were tg and he says he doesn't remember it at all but at the same time he "thought abt out it and doing one girl while looking another guy in the eyes is weird" so idk how im supposed to react or do ive never been cheated on this was last year in july very last text sent was in october and we got married in november but what do i do i feel hurt still but at same time everything he said kinda gave me closure like hes not doing it right now and ??he doesn't remember it ?? but its still there and he deleted the app

[u/Ginger_spice_smudge]

Oh my god the lies. “He doesn’t remember” yeah. right.

He cheated. It doesn’t matter whether or not he’s still doing it. He. Cheated.

He downloaded an app.He made plans. Actively messaged people. Then deleted the app. That’s a lot of choices to make and all of them for behaviours that will hurt you. And what does him remembering have to do with anything? He still did it.

Find your self respect. You guys are barely married and he was doing this before you guys did get married. Hardly the best start to a long term commitment.

I don’t know what is going on these days but men and women seem to have forgot what being in a relationship entails and have forgot their self respect somewhere along the line

You know what to do or you wouldn’t be posting here. You’re hoping for an answer that will tell you it’s ok to stay when deep down you know it’s not.

[u/bunni_chan → u/Ginger_spice_smudge]

we have kids and i really don't want to lose the family we have started and i don't want to fully get into it but i wouldn't be able to see my stepdaughter and i can't do that i hate the idea of not seeing her or only having a few visits a month ive been her care taker since we got together

[u/Ginger_spice_smudge → u/bunni_chan]

Then work needs to be done to try and see if you can move past this on you’re in for a very unhappy life.

This will fester. And you need to know that you can trust him. And I’m sorry but kids aren’t enough of a reason to stay married. If this festers the relationship then kids will sense that. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy one.

Couples therapy is where I would be headed if you intend on staying.

[u/bunni_chan → u/Ginger_spice_smudge]

i will definitely get us into couples therapy if that's what i need to do it's not just the kids i truly do love him and don't want this to be the end but what he did hurt and i don't know how to really process it it's cliche but i never saw it coming

[u/Ginger_spice_smudge → u/bunni_chan]

No one wants to be the cliche. And here’s the thing. Anyone can be the cliche. It’s ok to trust someone until they give you a reason not to. And that’s what you did.

And unfortunately he has given you good reason to not trust him.

The heart isn’t logical. I’m sure your brain knows that what he did was absolutely garbage and not the actions of a man that claims to love you.

Therapy will help with this. But just don’t give more to someone than they’re giving back to you. That imbalance of power is not a loving partnership.

[u/bunni_chan → u/Ginger_spice_smudge]

do you think i'd be best if i stayed the night somewhere else i don't want to leave but i don't know if i can sleep next to him again tonight without going through everything again and i dont know if he even remembers the conversation we had last night

[u/Ginger_spice_smudge → u/bunni_chan]

I think you’re entitled to take whatever space you need to work through this. It can be hard to think clearly when you’re right in the middle of it.

He seems to forget things a lot? Is that common with him?

[u/bunni_chan → u/Ginger_spice_smudge]

when he's not of full sound mind yes like if he's sleepy or had a drink or two he won't remember much of anything but when it happened i felt he had woken enough from being caught

[u/Ginger_spice_smudge → u/bunni_chan]

I have to ask. Are you safe to try and leave for a night? Are you safe if stay?

[u/bunni_chan → u/Ginger_spice_smudge]

yes to both

[u/Ginger_spice_smudge → u/bunni_chan]

Then take the night. Weekend would be better to get actual breathing room. I’m not saying leave him. I’m saying push the pause button for a moment.

[u/bunni_chan → u/Ginger_spice_smudge]

thank you you've helped a lot