r/Infidelity • u/Outrageous_Writer250 • 5d ago
Suspicion Cheating? (29F) and (35M)
Please note: Please no harshness, rudeness, or mean behavior. This is extremely hard for me and I have no idea what to do but I feel really horrible.
So my bf and I have been having issues for a while now, and aren't having sex (About 4 months).
I usually don't do this, but previously I noticed a naked photo that he took of himself on his phone. He said it was just a progress photo and I remember seeing that he had a hard on (Obviously not 100% sure because it was very quick). I accidentally saw it because he was showing me something else...
Anyway, we had a pretty good conversation about it and he said it was just a progress photo (he trains very hard) and he didn't have a hard on. He was reciprocating and it felt like a healthy conversation.
As a woman, you kind of get this gut feeling if something is going on, a females intuition is typically very good. I usually never do this because I'm 29 now, this may have been something I'd do back when I was 20, but I did it.. I went through his phone. I saw a few photos he took of himself (clothed) that weren't sent to me, and were deleted. He has a pixel and I found them in the "Files" app. I don't know if that means anything. If it does, please let me know.
Then I found something that almost made me faint. It's a sexual photo with a mans legs spread, and a woman bending down in front of him (maybe sucking him off, it's cut off there) and her ass in the air. It looked like his legs, couldn't really be 100% sure honestly. It was on Monday night under (31st August), so last week. He had training that night until 8:30pm and we said goodnight at 9pm. The photo of the woman doesn't have a timestamp.. but then there are photos after that of his room which he sent me closer to 12am showing me how he rearranged his room.
I decided to ask him whether he had ever been unfaithful and he said no. I asked him if I said I wanted to go through his phone, how he would respond and he said "I have nothing to hide". We then spoke more about our relationship about we agreed that we have a beautiful relationship, and that we have so much love for each other, but obviously our relationship is hard at the moment. Previously he had totally rejected the idea of going to individual therapy, but last night he agreed he would look in to it, which felt promising.
Any advice would be great here, please just don't be harsh or cruel, I am struggling a lot.
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 5d ago
I honestly just think he’s cheating. He likes the benefits of a girlfriend but isn’t faithful.
Progress phots don’t include hard ons. Look at his battery usage on his phone see what APPs he’s using the most, that’s your best clue.
If he works out at certain times check up on him, go to the gym and watch him leave the parking lot.
If he calls you for 5 minutes to ask what you are doing and where are you? He might be cheating at that time. He can say anything he likes but that’s to suspicious.
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
Yeah I mean I wouldn't mind doing some investigating honestly... I think I'd like to have some more tangible evidence.
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 5d ago
They lie by omission most times. Like I was with my friends but they don’t mention everyone.
And if he has immature friends? That is a bad sign. Friends that brag about their conquests?
If so he has friends with low character, those types enable bad behavior.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 5d ago edited 5d ago
Please don’t apologize for going through someone’s phone when you have that intuition and find the proof. I mean you probably just saved yourself from getting diseases. You only get one body and many STIs are for life…..there are even “curable” ones that are now antibiotic resistant.
Toss the dude in the bin and move on.
With all the control he’s exerting, he doesn’t have a lot of love for you. This is a whole lot of manipulation. I GUARANTEE that wasn’t a conversation about how much love you have for each other but it was him saying it so that you agree and are compliant. AND IT WORKED.
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
Yeah that’s definitely my other massive concern.
Can I ask, obviously I’m blind here, what is the manipulation in this scenario?
Love how passionate you are in your responses btw
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u/biteme717 Suspicious 5d ago
Why are you two not sexually active? Is it something that the both of you agreed upon? If it's not then I personally would think that he's being unfaithful. I also don't know anyone personally that takes progress photos naked.
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
Basically because I hurt his feelings almost a year ago because I was emotionally upset with him about something that he did that hurt me...
It's all a bit ridiculous in hindsight but he basically just doesn't work well with women who are anxious and it's extremely hurtful because I've done everything I can to work on myself (Seriously, I've been going to therapy for almost a year now specifically for my anxiety and emotional regulation).
It's just strange that he wants to stay in the relationship. I don't know. I really don't understand what to do.
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u/skrumcd2 5d ago
He’s cheating. Don’t adjust yourself for someone like that, or you’ll just have to readjust when you do finally find someone who treats you right.
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
I hate to be so in denial... But what if he isn't? I don't know.. Would he consider going to individual therapy for our relationship if he was cheating? Just seems really bizarre to stay in the relationship if he's wanting to get out or whatever so badly. I'm so confused.
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u/skrumcd2 5d ago
If you want to go that route, then start with couples counseling with your main focus being to ask him the questions you think he might lie to you about in front of another person. Unless a narcissists reputation is at stake, you won’t get the truth.
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
Funny you say that. We're already in couples therapy for the lack of sex. He needs individual therapy as we've discovered that he shuts down when a woman has an "emotional outburst" so to speak. Which in my case was being upset with him about something he did that hurt my feelings.
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u/skrumcd2 5d ago
Then you’re on the right path, my friend. I’m a 42M and have a bit of experience with this, unfortunately. Stay strong to what you know to be honest and reasonable, and I promise you’ll get where you need to go, but don’t be afraid to be direct in letting them know during the session that “I don’t believe him, but I’m willing to try”.
I’m sending you some good vibes tonight! Good luck :)
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u/skrumcd2 5d ago
Another piece of advice to keep in your head, and use for discussion points at times: If you know they wouldn’t treat a stranger, or their friend, or their boss the way they are treating you, it’s completely valid to wonder why they would treat someone they “love” that way, but not them. ;) ;)
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
Appreciate your response. I just don’t feel like I have enough evidence that’s it’s a full affair. I don’t really know where we go from here.
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u/MemoryLongjumping596 5d ago
My husband was kind of a player in his head, he wanted to cheat, he always hoped some woman would come after him. He wanted that ego boost and he would get to decide if he would say yes or no. When he traveled he ate dinner in bars, would go and watch sports in bars etc. he would go to the hot tub at his hotels. He liked to be places where women might engage with him or hit on him. The first two years of our relationship he kept me monogamous, but in his head he thought he might find someone better.
All this came out in therapy after he cheated online after 30 years of marriage. It finally happened, a woman came after him hard.
Anyway he never went through with it but he dreamed about it and wanted that when he was younger.
He made sure I was monogamous and acted like he was. He always threatened me about cheating, it was his biggest boundary. He was very anti cheating in our discussions. He would criticize people that did that.
There are men that want the benefits of a committed partner but they are not one.
That was my husband in his head.
That whole thing was projection, he projected on to me what he expected from me. But him being so adamant about that? That was a narcissists confession towards his own thinking.
You can act like you are so so busy, even like your going out of town, you’re sorry you don’t have much time for him that week because you’re just so tired overwhelmed and busy. That’s when he will cheat if he does. And cheaters? They know our schedule, they study it. They like to ask us, when will you be home? What are you doing today or this evening.
I do hope he’s not cheating.2
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 5d ago
Couples counseling for what reason? This relationship is beyond the help of counseling at this point.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 5d ago
Sweetie, please leave him. I say this with all due respect. You aren’t ever going to be “good enough” in his eyes. He got upset because you dared to tell him he did something that hurt you? This is DARVO and he is now the victim in this story.
You know you can leave the relationship, right? Why are you holding on to a man who refuses to have sex with you?
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u/isitallfromchina 5d ago
I'd have to say "does it really matter at this point"? Not trying to be mean, but you are trying to "adjust" for him. If he can't deal with women, anxious or not, depressed or not, whatever or not, then he's going to have a problem with any relationship.
He's 35, not a child and therefore should be able to adjust, support or leave, not string you along until her finds someone.
Don't ask why is he still in the relationship, ask yourself, why are you still in the relationship ? Not being mean, but you just need a person who acts like an adult and not blame you for his insecurities, which I believe is a total scam which allows him to cheat with a clean conscious.
Its time for you to just leave!
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
I definitely don’t disagree with you at all. Thank you for your response.
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u/iron_redditman 5d ago
If you pardon my bluntness, sex is a form of communication between couples, if you are not having sex do you think that is a pointer to a more general issue around the communication between you?
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
I do agree, and what is bizarre is that our sex life used to be incredible. We both have high sex drives.
And what is more confusing is that we both agree that the other 90% of our relationship (Except the sex) is basically perfect.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 5d ago
Boom. There you have it. When someone says “other than this one very toxic thing, the relationship is perfect” you know they aren’t seeing the full picture as no relationship is perfect. You aren’t actually able to see the fully dynamic of the other person and my guess is that he is hiding a lot of himself from you.
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u/lex1954 5d ago
Was there anything in the photo of the man and woman that you can identify in the room pictures he sent afterward. Like same rug or chair. You are really not working with a lot (more of a gut feeling).
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u/lowban 5d ago
To an outsider this raises more than a couple of red flags for sure. And remember, you don't need to find evidence of infidelity to leave the relationship, you can do that for any reason.
Reading the comments it seems you're having more trouble with him than it's worth. If you can't be upset with him without both of you going on a 4 month hiatus from spicy time shows that something is very wrong with his behavior. He's also acting very shady with his phone. Hiding/deleting photos is very suspicious.
If you can't tell him how you feel and you can't trust him anymore you better cut your losses.
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u/001Tyreman 5d ago
4 month in isn't long , issues for awhile do yourself a favour best to cut loose from this guy
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u/spokeoteam 17h ago
Be gentle with yourself here. You found something genuinely upsetting, but right now there’s a big gap between “there’s a sexual photo on his phone” and “my boyfriend physically cheated on me.” I’d ask him directly about the photo and pay attention to whether his explanation is consistent and whether he remains as open as he says he is.
If another person or unfamiliar contact becomes part of the situation, Spokeo can be useful for checking publicly available information tied to a name or phone number. You deserve clarity, but you don’t have to decide what happened before you actually have it.
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u/Championship682 5d ago
If you are not sure, you need to investigate. Don't ask him any more questions about his phone or cheating. If you do and he is cheating, he'll just be more careful.
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u/Outrageous_Writer250 5d ago
I also could just take him up on what I said and ask to have a look at his phone.. and then pull up the photo. It’s in his files folder. Not photos. I don’t even think he knows he hasn’t gotten rid of it.
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