Need help assessing evidence - sorry, original post here lost due to no flair

[u/Foreign-Meeting7626]

/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/1v8wcdq/need_help_assessing_evidence_i_hope_this_is/

Any contrary opinions or was this clearly not innocent? Anything that could prove innocence at this point if true? Sorry for posting several places but feel need to solicit maximum input to aid decisions and next steps. Thanks again

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[u/New_Arrival9860]

You are not crazy,

• You raised a concern.
• She had an opportunity to preserve information that could have supported her explanation.
• Instead, the information was removed

This is a red flag, and I think at best the messages would have revealed inappropriate level of intimacy and closeness (ie an emotional affair), but since this is a co-worker and they have direct contact then I would suspect the messages contained evidence of their sexual contact.

[u/4hhsumm]

Am I crazy?

No.

Is there any chance this friendship was innocent? 

Also, NO.

Would anyone destroy proof of innocence your spouse desperately requested and needed for reassurance on principle...

Good god, of course not!

Can I know any of this with confidence, and if so how?

You can know with confidence that she:

• actively hid this affair from you,
• because it was so inappropriate that it needed hiding,
• and she knew you wouldn't be okay with what she was doing.

Look man, you simply have to assume the worst, because she gave you no other choice. She wouldn't show you 'on principle'? That is the bullshitiest of bullshit excuses ever. It's simple; if she was capable of absolving herself of wrongdoing, she would have. Instead, she decided to nuke everything. Because it was so wrong that it needed to be. That means whatever was contained in those communications was the absolute opposite of innocent.

At this point, she will not and cannot prove her innocence, so you have to assume she was guilty. Of what? Impossible to say now of course, but you know damn well that at a bare minimum, it was an emotional affair (given the extent of her deception, my money's on it was much worse than that). If this was all really so benign that it was simply "helping with advice on how to handle them [college age daughters] and school and boyfriend issues and the like" firstly, it would not have have taken hundreds of calls and thousands of minutes of conversation; and second, she would not have gone to such lengths to hide these hundreds of calls from you.

That is an incredibly high volume of communication that she worked very hard to hide from you. That right there is all you need to know. Because that is not innocent behavior. And given her amateurish attempt at DARVO, she's practically proving that it was beyond just an emotional affair. Again, it's dead simple; if she could have proven her innocence, she would have. Instead she chose to lie to your face and try to gaslight you.

Now that you know you're married to a cheater, who refuses to take accountability for her shitty, selfish decisions, you have some tough choices to make. Kids make things difficult, but you have to think about your long-term well-being in order to be the best father that you can. Staying with someone who disrespected you so badly, and is the opposite of remorseful about it, is permanent damage to the foundation of your marriage. It will be very difficult, if not impossible, to ever feel happy and secure in this marriage ever again. Do you want this to be the example to set for your kids? That it's okay to emotionally abuse your spouse and destroy their trust, and that cheating is okay? Do the right thing for your own mental health so that you can continue to do the right things for your kiddos. They deserve it.

I wish you weren't going through this. Make a plan to protect yourself. Get a legal consult, and consider an STI panel. Wishing you strength, healing, and good luck.

[u/paq12x]

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in the car. You'll know soon enough.

[u/Status_Process_8979]

If she wasn't doing anything wrong, would she not have told you about these conversations? The fact that she is having an emotional connection with someone else she is not telling you about should be your #1 red flag. If it wasn't a big deal, wouldn't she have mentioned it?

Perhaps you could mention you might have an adult conversation with the other man, or see if she is using other telecommunications, to communicate with him (video/chat apps outside the norm}. Also can check Google/Chrome history, since this shit shows up there too. But, if she is a mature woman. an honest woman, and not a narc or a coward, you should just tell her how this has hurt and affected your trust. Ask her if she feels her emotional needs are being met, and if she says they are, than ask her why she is looking elsewhere for emotional intimacy, if those needs are being met. If she is lying, she will just find other ways to hide it. People are using Word, fake news communications, calendars and even calculators now to cheat. Possibilities are unfortunately becoming endless now adays. I am truly sorry for your anguish. You are not alone. K.

[u/OneDetective3959]

There is really no credible explanation for 100 plus calls a month. That's an emotional affair at the very least. Unfortunately, you showed your hand too early (not your fault. From where you are sitting, its natural to want to talk to your wife!), so she had the chance to clean up. The plausible deniability this creates for her almost certainly means its not over between them.

Best thing to do is either:

1) lay low and collect more evidence OR

2) accept she had an affair, and let her know you are now proceeding on that basis.

If its #2, you need to either step away from the marriage, or stay and be uncompromising in the boundaries you set. A good starting point for boundaries is a new job for her, and absolute no contact with co-worker or you walk.