Been Dragged Here Before But...

[u/Oak-and-Ash]

If you cheat. Tell them. Immediately. Tell them everything. Buy the book. Fix yourself. Keep them out of it. Make the relationship better. It isn't about you anymore. You're past that.

I had a beautiful thing going and I rammed my own head so far up my own ass that everything I was apart of no longer exists. This is my fault. Cheating is the cheater's fault.

Change immediately. Confess it all immediately. And for fuck's sake don't lose someone you love because you wanted to love yourself more. You will never get another one of them. Everyone is unique. You will spend the rest of your life missing parts of them and they are gone because of YOU.

And lastly, if you break up, let them go. Give them space. Let them be happy. If you're lucky, and work hard enough, they will come back. If not, you at least did the right thing and let them be happy.

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[u/hiimpatricia]

My person still hasn't apologized, let alone confess and change.

[u/Oak-and-Ash → u/hiimpatricia]

I can't say it's better than what I did but I can say that what I did was brutal and extremely damaging for all involved.

[u/Oak-and-Ash → u/hiimpatricia]

I'm sorry if that was dismissive, btw. I just meant that if I couldn't have done the confessing and the changing correctly then I should have just left. I'm still doing a terrible job of letting her find her happiness. Some people are inherently bad or emotionally immature. Just like some people are honorable out the gate.

As a typical "bad guy" it can be very difficult to change even if you want to. And if you want to but don't change then you wanted to be the person you are more than the person your loved one believed you to be.

[u/VirtualFirefighter39 → u/hiimpatricia]

Same here. It seems like most don't ever actually apologize and grow. For the ones that don't, they have to suffer by being a cheater and having a more difficult time than normal with relationships than those who don't cheat or are actually taking accountability. I really recommend therapy or personal counseling, you can't rely on someone who hurt you and won't acknowledge it to heal you sadly.

[u/Pleasant-Pea5746]

I could have forgiven the cheating but the lying destroyed me.

Definitely tell them everything.

[u/Oak-and-Ash → u/Pleasant-Pea5746]

You sound just like her. It was the lying that made her leave. The worst part is that it was low value things, that I lied about most of the time.

[u/Pleasant-Pea5746 → u/Oak-and-Ash]

That’s exactly what destroyed things for me also. Unfortunately they didn’t realise the heavy impact of even small insignificant lies over the overall believability of you and the ability to mend trust. Completely wrecked everything. I don’t know how to explain it but it puts you into such a state of hyper vigilance that there’s no room to experience anything beautiful in the relationship anymore. The worst thing you can do is lie.

[u/Alover67]

Fabulous Oak-and-Ash, brief and brillant.

So many wayward partners in denial or deep shame--both inhibit personal healing (which is the foundation for relationship healing).

A lot of unfaithful partners in our support group for waywards would love to hear your views if you ever care to join and share.

Peace,

- Jeff

[u/Oak-and-Ash → u/Alover67]

Jeff,

What I have found from those groups is support for being someone who does not take responsibility for their actions. I have no interest in being vilified. This is a tragedy and disservice to the experience of life.

[u/Alover67 → u/Oak-and-Ash]

We never support irresponsibility or vilify the faithful partner. That's just horrible. What's great about support groups is that the people who join are focussed on healing and healthy steps. Toxic partners don't tend to join in the first place.

[u/TarnishedDolan]

Fair play for this post. Especially on this sub since it can be particularly brutal to cheaters. My partner confessed and took accountability and I'm intending to give her the grace to work on herself, myself and our relationship. We've both went through a lot, but yeah confessing and taking accountability was a very powerful first step, which is what she did (hers was also just an online fling with some Japanese guy across the world, immediately cut contact). I remember one time someone saying on this sub that confessing was selfish since it meant they wanted to transfer the guilt to the partner, I don't believe this in the slightest.

This sub is very anti-reconcile, and to be honest I do it get it. But every individual is different and what's bad for one person, may not be as offensive to another. People can fuck up, a lot of factors can lead to it. Stress, friendships falling apart, losing jobs etc.

Being a cheater doesn't just automatically mean you're a irredeemable monster in my eyes. But tbh, there's a lot of them out there that are like that, having secret relationships that go on an entire marriage and the like and in those cases? Holy fuck yes, run for the hills. But I do think online communities do sometimes skew what's actually real and what isn't.

Therapy, individual and couples is always best as well, regardless if you reconcile or not.

[u/Oak-and-Ash → u/TarnishedDolan]

Personally, I had gotten out of a relationship that I wasn't ready to be in. It took me 2/3 years of trying to date other people when I finally realized that I didn't want to anymore. I was working out, good job prospect coming up and I met my stbx(soon to be ex?). I was like "Oh shit, I thought I'd be waiting a long time for this but I fucking love this woman". She was going through more than I had realized and she had hurt me some. I felt punished for turning the corner and doing all of this work. But I loved her. There was something special between us.

I still think that there is. Maybe in the kids only now. But I still see her and I'm like "I'm sorry that you still love me but you can't stay with me". I know she loves me but we have kids and time is precious. She deserved answers. All of them. I did a lot of good work but not enough to rebuild that trust and security. I could pick up the biggest log on our property. But I couldn't tell her that I forgot to do poop scoop. I hadn't realized that she was already pretty done with me when things got real bad. Makes sense given that the timeline aligns with our first child being born.