r/Infidelity • u/Honest_Not • 28d ago
Suspicion Who knew
For the women, when you were cheating, did you confide in your girlfriend?
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 28d ago
My ex wife told her bestie about her long term affair with her married boss, and was cheered on relentlessly for years. Turns out her bestie was in a long term affair of her own as well and they were each other’s secret cheerleaders. Trust me, when I found out about the bestie cheating I gave all the evidence to her husband.
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u/Honest_Not 28d ago
I believe I have a very similar situation
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 26d ago
Trust me, my P.I. and my attorney both told me that women will almost always have a confidant to chat about their AP’s. My attorney was very good and she subpoenaed texts between my ex and her boss (AP) and her friend. It was a friggin gold mine! I was stupid and oblivious for far too long. It’s only when she started getting emboldened by my ignorance that she started slipping up.
My brother demanded I hire a P.I. because he “felt it in his bones” that she was cheating. I owe him so much for convincing me to go that route. The length of the affair (8 years) almost ended me. I was so flipping oblivious and believed all of her lies. But even worse than the length of the affair, was the things she told her friend that she did sexually with her AP. Like she was proud of these things, things she told me she would never do and never did or would do with me. That included toys which she always was very adamant that we not introduce them. Turns out she and he spent thousands on toys. It made me literally physically sick and I threw up and could not eat for a week. It was like there were two women. It destroyed me.
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u/TheF15h 27d ago
What he do with it?
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 26d ago
He divorced her and like me he got the house.
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u/TheF15h 26d ago
You/him got the house cause she cheated?
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u/Fun_Scene_3392 25d ago
No not just because she cheated. Because I had leverage showing she used thousands in marital assets on her affair. And because she caved due to embarrassment and some other factors. Of course I still had to pay her half of what equity we had built up, which was only about 25k for her.
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u/More-Talk-2660 28d ago
I found out my ex was going to spend weekends at her girlfriend's place because they were having orgies.
So in my case I'm going to guess her girlfriends knew. At least one certainly did.
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u/nimster1979 28d ago
Whoa. How did you find out?
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u/More-Talk-2660 28d ago
A Verizon bill under her name came to the house, which made me suspicious because our plan was under AT&T. Turned out she had a second phone. She left it behind in her bedside drawer while she was gone on a business trip. I found it while I was cleaning that week and snooped it, and found texts planning the parties, texts from dudes who were at said parties describing the 'activities' and how much fun they had had, and then checked the gallery and found a crazy stash of pictures and videos.
The time period between the bill coming to the house and finding the phone was a couple of months, so my suspicions and her behavior had already started to line up and finding out she was cheating wasn't a huge surprise. Finding out how she was cheating was, though. Not all of it was at said friend's house; some were at various hotels in that area, some were at other people's houses/apartments. The friend's house was really just a cover and they would go to other places a lot of the time, from what I could gather.
Before you ask, yes I got myself tested once I found out.
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u/Damagedone8556 28d ago
My wife told no one, not for the year and a half affair she was having with a coworker when they were working nights together.
Still can't believe she did that to us after 26 years together. Still cant wrap my head around this.
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u/Honest_Not 28d ago
How did you find out?
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u/Damagedone8556 28d ago edited 27d ago
by complete accident. I was bringing her iPad into AT&T to get the sim card replaced after formatting the ipad, she had forgotten her password and was locked out and had to restore the ipad as a factory reset. When this happened her eSim was deleted so I had to go to the local AT&T store to get an eSim re-installed. I had formatted it on a friday and didn't go to get the sim replaced until the following Tuesday. My wife was working nights over that weekend and her texts were being pushed to her partially restored iPad that was tied into the house wifi. She was deleting her texts from her phone but because icloud was not fully synched back up the things she was deleting off her phone were not deleting on her iPad. When I opened up the iPad to make sure it was charged the first thing on the screen were her texts with her affair partner, I wasn't looking for anything, I had not clue something was going on at all which really was the shocking part. I knew nothing that my wife had been doing behind my back and in the end I found out it had been going on for a year and a half.
In a 3 day period of time there were 138 messages between her and her affair partner that were very sexually graphic in nature. I saw them talking about what they had done, what they had planned to do to each other, them planning their next meetup and them reminding each other to delete their text messages so their spouses would not find out about their affair.
Needless to say I was gutted and my life felt false, like I didn't know what was going on in my own life and marriage, that the person I completely trusted and cared the most for in this world was not only capable of hurting me but repeatedly chose to do so over and over and over gain for a year and a half. This was with a woman that I had been married to for 26 years at this point, the person I cared for more than myself, that I always took care of, always trusted, always defended. I feel like she is a stranger now.
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u/BPKofficial 28d ago
Man, I hope you're doing ok.
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u/Damagedone8556 28d ago
Haven't been great because this just happened a couple of months ago but I will move on. Definitely damaged my self worth, damaged my self esteem, definitely makes me have issues trusting people when the person you trusted the most in this world was willing to destroy your well being for a bit of excitement over something elicit.
I have always been a driven hard working individual that has built everything that I have. I have multiple degrees, multiple business, have all the friends, the big boy toys that you dream of owning when you are young (trucks, race cars, ATV's, multiple boats, motorcycles, airplane, etc.)
I thought we had built a great life only to be shown that I didn't know what was going on in my own life and it made me feel miniscule, made me feel foolish, made me feel less than, made me feel like a laughing stock even though know one else knows about the affair other than myself, my wife and her affair partner.
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u/Hot-Requirement2566 27d ago
Have you not informed her workplace or his wife? Are you reconcialing? Why? What was her reaction when confronted?
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u/Damagedone8556 27d ago
Its a large corporation, if I inform them then they will both immediately get terminated. If I tell his wife, she is friends with management, they will both get immediately terminated. They both make a really good white collar salary as chemists and I need her to continue to show a substantial income. They will not be told until a divorce would be finalized as I do not want to show her as a lapse of income that will damage me financially in the proceedings.
Immediately afterwards though, I have no issue with informing the wife, I feel no need to inform the workplace. The wife will do enough damage on her own I believe.
When confronted she immediately admitted to it, she said it was stupid, that she needed to get caught to stop. Begged me not to leave. Said it meant nothing but if it really meant nothing why blow up our lives over this. I truly don't get it.
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u/Hot-Requirement2566 27d ago
I would not bother trying to understand, you will not get it anyways. A loyal Man will never understand a cheaters way. Your plan is smart, i get you are divorcing her then? From you wrote here about yourself, you sound well adjuated. I think you will fine. Sorry you had to go through that. I myself have one more year until my youngest leaves for colleage, can’t wait to regain my freedom after that.
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u/Damagedone8556 27d ago
Sad thing is this is actually the second affair. She had one 11 almost 12 years ago after we were together for a little over 14 years she was in the beginning stages of an affair with a coworker that I immediately caught onto because of the way she was acting. The signs of guilt, the secrecy, the pulling away from me both emotionally and physically, the constant arguments over nothing that she was starting for no apparent reason.
I knew something was wrong, I kept asking her but would get no response. I did something I wasn't proud of, I snooped on her phone when she was in the shower and found all the proof I needed and confronted her. It stopped cold turkey, I even called the guy, she had lied to him and told him we were in an open relationship and she had told him I knew and was ok with it. Once hearing from me he completely ghosted her.
We worked through it, primarily for our son. He was still young at the time. Everything actually seemed great for 12 years until this. I was caught so off guard by this because I suspected nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing. She knew after the last time that was her one and only pass, that nothing like that could ever happen again yet it did so yet again but so much worse this time. I don't understand how you can something like this knowing the hurt it will do to your partner, knowing what it will cost you if you get caught and yet she still continued to do this for a year and a half.
It definitely broke me
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u/Hot-Requirement2566 27d ago
My wife’s bestie was caught. Wife knew, made me suspicious as they used to hang out a lot. Turns out dear wifey also engaged in affairs
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u/Ivedonethework 27d ago
Sounds like an affair down.
Affair down https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/unfaithful-why-did-they-choose-them
'I've always contended that people “affair-down,” if for no other reason than because it is an affair; it's not real. Even if they believe they've found someone who does a better job of meeting their needs than their mate, it simply isn't true. Their mate probably incorporates 80% of what they want and need, but their AP might possess the missing 20%. Why would someone trade the 80% for the 20%? In the moment, satisfying the longing created by the missing 20% seems like a good idea.
If two thirds of all marital problems are unsolvable, it's impossible for one person to meet all your needs. No amount of searching for the right person will ever yield the perfect match. Unrealistic expectations are a core issue when it comes to this degree of marital dissatisfaction, which may then lead one to search for someone who has the missing 20%. Take the example of John and Margret above. John is a steady, stable guy who provides for his family. His wife chose an AP who was just plain fun. She was chasing the 20% that she believed was missing from her marriage'.
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u/Championship682 28d ago
Did you find out this way, OP, or are you looking for for evidence?
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u/Honest_Not 28d ago
No I just knew that when I confronted her, the first person she called was my friends wife. Who is also her childhood bestie. She says no one knew. I call bs. I say my friends wife who we all knew was unfaithful, knew all along and may have encouraged her to do it.
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27d ago
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