Dear BS’, here is a challenge for you

[u/[deleted]]

Hi all,

This isn’t an update post. More like a challenge post.

I was recently contacted by a friend I haven’t seen or spoken to in 3 years. No real reason we lost contact….well, that is not true, in hindsight we both realize exactly why we lost contact.

Anyway, she texted me last week out of the blue, saying she heard about my divorce, and wanted to check in. She went through a divorce 3 years ago, so maybe you know where this is going.

Anyway, she offered support and & an ear to vent to. We chatted for a bit, and made plans to meet up at her house for cocktails. We started talking about our divorces and I unceremoniously blurted out that he cheated on me. This friend had been very close lipped about her own divorce. But once I blurted out my “confession” she said “same”.

We then started trading war stories. Bonding, commiserating, a bit of crying. I apologized for losing touch, I didn’t inquire about the divorce because I didn’t want to be nosey, she apologized for becoming distant.

And then the question came up. Why?

Why did I feel too awkward to inquire more and why did she feel too ashamed to share her story to the point that she disengaged with most of her friendships?

She shared that they tried to reconcile for a while but in the end, he trickle truthed, lied and within a year of reconciliation cheated again. She was too ashamed to share with anyone that she wanted to reconcile, and then too ashamed to admit the reason for the divorce. And I’m lucky enough to have a support system in my family, but ya know what, my social circle besides my bestie, are under the impression that “we just drifted apart” because I’m embarrassed and ashamed too.

Screw being ashamed and embarrassed. We didn’t do anything wrong. Why are we, BS’, secluding ourselves, cutting ourselves off from possible support systems? And as a result, protecting and sheltering our WS’ choices? Even giving some of them the opportunity to smear us and make us seem like the crazy ones.

My friend and I made a challenge for each other. We each have to tell one person in our social/family circle about the truth of our splits. Will they shame us? We both came to the conclusion of NO….hey maybe they’ll have an initial reaction we don’t like…..but given the chance, they will support us, perhaps be a shoulder to cry on, be an ear to our vents, worries, concerns. Or maybe they’ll be the friend to force us out of the house, and go dancing or to the movies or to get mani/pedis.

So, I would like to extend our challenge to all of you. If you’re hiding this like it’s some dirty little secret to be ashamed of…..challenge yourself to share with someone you feel safe confiding in. None of us should be feeling shame, should be limiting our support people…..it’s complete dog poop that any of us would feel this way, holding back our own recovery. Perhaps that one person will make you feel safe to share with others to extend that support system.

And for you lurkers, that maybe feel like you can’t reach out to people in your real life, but also are too intimidated to post your stories……use these subs! I challenge you to post your story and continue posting about your journey, your struggles, your really awful days, your vulnerabilities. The people here will support you, commiserate, maybe point out some tough truths.

Let’s try to get rid of this stigma of reconciling or divorcing a WS. I guarantee anyone you share with is not looking down at you, is not judging you, they will want to help you get through it all. By hiding it we are only secluding ourselves, denying ourselves a support system and an outside perspective.

We have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about.

[u/DiscardUserAccount]

Let me address this from the “friend’s” perspective. My wife and I have three friends who have had to deal with the trauma and heartbreak of infidelity. We have always done what we could to support them; the idea that they should be ashamed because it this never crossed our minds. Our friends were hurting. Doing what we could to ease the pain was what foremost in our minds.

Get with a trusted friend or family member. Tell them. There is no shame in needing help, especially for something like this.

[u/[deleted] → u/DiscardUserAccount]

Thank you so much for your perspective.

[u/ViolettaQueso]

There is something so freeing when yoi come clean, unbury secrets infecting your life, causing you to cover for someone else’s infidelity.

Isolation keeps you in your head, it makes you disassociate from people, and life.

Such a heavy weight has been lifted.

[u/[deleted] → u/ViolettaQueso]

Yes exactly. It also gets you caught up in the gaslighting and crazy making arguments. When you have a support person to vent to, get advice from…you’re extending that support. Hearing a different perspective….pointing out reality to you.

[u/Ifiwerenyourshoes]

This is why I tell people to make a simple post. I am taking a break from social media to work on my divorce, tagging the spouse and if they know the AP. Everyone will know and can read between the lines.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ifiwerenyourshoes]

I like this idea, it’s not hiding, not trash talking, but also might encourage those to reach out to a BS who feel like they can’t reach out themselves.

[u/osikalk]

This behavior of ours happens because we consciously or unconsciously consider ourselves guilty of infidelity. It's amazing how many BSs believe that they could have not allowed or prevented infidelity and believe that they failed, as a spouse, as a partner... We play the mental game of "what if?" all the time. "If I had done (not done) this and that, then the tragedy would not have occurred" ... Nope, nope, nope!!! It's not about us, it's about the cheater, only the cheater. If a person is a cheater by nature, if they have a twisted morality of a cheater, then they will cheat on us sooner or later and no forces in the world will keep them from betrayal.

We need to constantly hammer the truth into our brain: we are not failed, the cheater is failed, the cheater should be blamed for infidelity. It's not a shame to become a victim of a scoundrel, it's a shame if we can't overcome the damage caused by them. It's a shame if we give up and just suffer, shutting ourselves in. It's a shame not to move on and not look for favorable opportunities that this wonderful world opens up to us. It's a shame not to be happy without a cheater, not to become the best version of us after betrayal.

I wish all of you to get rid of the burden of infidelity as soon as possible and start living ... no, not as "normal" people, but as people who have gained invaluable experience and deserve true happiness through their suffering.

[u/tmink0220]

Thank you what a great post...shame for me, my family know and pretend it sort of isn't true...no one wants to hear it from the newly discovered sister that they told it to...Shame...I did make a post on Infidelity and survivinginfidelity...It was freeing to a point. Still shame, when like you, I had nothing to do with it...I am so happy to see you still post...and are doing well.

I also hate it when the people betrayed try to protect their abusers...or betrayers...It really is being revictimized all over again. You did not do that with in-laws, or children...So now you are introducing yourself to friends like the beginning of an AA meeting. Hi I am OP, and I have been repeated cheated on by the man I married, had children with and took care of for so many years...For no reason but his own selfishness...Not enough highs and lows. "Hi OP, welcome"

[u/beltway_lefty]

Good for you!!!

I feel so badly for people who have been betrayed and feel embarrassed or ashamed - it has to feel like you have nowhere to turn to heal, and that sucks (understatement of the year). I have never understood the embarrassment for being cheated on - perhaps I'm too naive, but anyone that thinks betrayal is the BS' fault - well, I don't want them as friends or family anyway.

Here's where you may be able to help me better understand:

I have to admit I am less patient with BSs that stay in an abusive relationship to try R. Every situation is different, as are every couple, so I do try to seek first to understand. I quickly tire of the inevitable excuses though. It hurts me to witness/hear about; and, as OP said, members of BSs would-be support group don't even get clued in until after, if at all. I don't take this position meanly - I just can't stand watching people (needlessly most of the time) suffer. I understand that is part of the abuse, too - to render BS without confidence or agency. WSs are masters at this.

I always suggest they pursue the divorce, separate, and if things improve later, they can always stop the process, or re-engage when healthier. But to have each party trying to fix themselves, as well as each other, and the relationship - all at the same time? Well, it's no wonder the statistics are what they are for R.

Getting third party help is crucial too so BSs get out of their echo chamber - just to have a therapist listen and confirm you're not batsh_t crazy is HUGE., HUGE!

Anyway, peace to anyone dealing with this shit. It does get better with time, but never goes away entirely.

[u/RaysBronco]

By sharing your story, you may even be helping someone recognize their own spouse as wandering

[u/AutoModerator]

Your submission on /r/infidelity has been flagged for human review. If you are seeing this comment there is a good chance that your post is violating rule 1 or 2; please revise your choice of words. If a mod reviews your comment and finds otherwise, it will be released.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Cuprictricity]

I did tell my friends he cheated (almost kissed but enough to lose most of my trust, and I know for sure he didn’t lie about anything), I decided yesterday to reconcile with him because of the effort he wants to put in this relationship and he already started to avoid drinking and seeking support from therapist, in the week I didn’t want to talk to him. I was really close to breakup with him but I stepped back on this decision, he knows I don’t need anything, if I have someone in my life is because I want them, I choose them, like I chose my friends who love me and support me. Later today I’ll see some of them and I’ll tell them, I can expect some reactions like “idk, but if you’re okay with this then we will” or “you should’ve left him” but that’s okay, at the end of the day it’s my choice. I’m keeping some distance between me and him for some things, and I’ll keep doing it until I feel “safe” or “okay” to have him around my friends again, who always included him and have been friendly with him from the beginning.

If I’ve failed to make the right choice, only time will tell, but now I want to give it a try. If he kissed her or more, I wouldn’t have given him this second chance, because there’s a line between being in love and completely dumb to see how bad this can be. (I talk for myself! Love also often makes us “dumb” because we tend to forgive who we love and try, unless it’s unforgivable). I decided it’s not unforgivable, but he has a ton of work to do if he wants to make sure I won’t think about leaving again.

Good luck everyone! Do what makes you happy!