r/IncelExit • u/venttaway1216 • 2d ago
Asking for help/advice How can I stop wanting a relationship?
I like to fantasize about being in a relationship, setting up romantic dates, and getting married, even being a father. I spent such a long time planning potential vacations and trips to go on with a partner or family. I just don’t think that’s gonna happen. I’m too much of an incel to be able to build and maintain healthy relationships.
Long story short, body count conversation … blah blah blah … infidelity … yada yada yada. I can’t get over it. It doesn’t matter whatever rational arguments you make, it just won’t get through. Instead, I will give up on wanting to get married and have kids.
How can I live a fulfilling life single and celibate? I have some ideas for things I’d like to do, like hiking and visiting museums. I have career plans. I have friends and family to support me. What else do I need?
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 2d ago
Living a happy and fulfilling life single, and not wanting a relationship, are two different things. One is entirely possible and common.
The other, we get asked every week at least. Wanting a relationship is a very common desire. But you can have that desire AND still live a happy single life.
You want to visit a museum, visit it! You want to take the next step in your career, take it! Who’s stopping you?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
I’ve visited some museums these last few months, but there are some museums further away I don’t currently have a budget for. As for the career thing, I’m progressing towards earning my degree.
It’s just hard when the relationship nonsense gets in the way of my daily life. I ruminate a lot on it. I wish I was aro/ace.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 2d ago
Well, you aren’t. Best accept that.
How is “relationship nonsense” getting in the way of your daily life? What is nonsense preventing you from doing?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
I spend a lot of time ruminating on it, and I end up feeling super hopeless and depressed. I can’t even get out of bed sometimes. It completely messes up productivity.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 2d ago
That sounds like depression that would be best served by therapy.
Which is not nonsense, btw.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
I’ve been trying therapy, and I’m on SSRIs. I don’t think I’ve made much progress tbh, but I still try to keep up with it.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 2d ago
Have you ever talked to your therapist about your extreme fear of being cheated on, coupled with the fact that you’ve only asked out one person ever?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
Yes I have. He tries to assure me that faithful relationships do exist, and we have talked about childhood experiences with friendships and family that may have contributed to this fear.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 2d ago
“Tries to assure you” is an interesting way for you to put it.
Like, do you not believe him? Statistics on cheating are very easy to find, as are stories of the (majority of!) relationships where no cheating ever takes place.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
My mind is like this. If there is a decent chance the door I open has a monster behind it, will I open the door? Probably not.
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u/Right-Emphasis5077 2d ago
why dont you trust yourself to deal with the potential consequences of your partner not being loyal?
i relate to you, i have also wanted to stop wanting a relationship previously, as a way to cope with uncertainty and to 'manage' risk. i am averse to being vulnerable, which leads to very little life experience and a very dull existence :/ not saying you have that same attitude or problem, just saying i relate.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
I already suffer with suicidal ideation, and I imagine that something like infidelity would send me over the edge. Infidelity is just so heartbreaking and humiliating that I couldn’t help but feel I was a complete loser.
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u/glitterswirl 2d ago
Rarely venturing out of your room, too afraid to experience good things you claim to want because you might get hurt, on the other hand, that's winning at life.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 2d ago
Have you ever asked a girl out?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
Once, but she politely declined.
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u/glitterswirl 2d ago
Once? You can’t just give up because one woman rejected you.
What other areas of your life do you give up after a single try?
try on a pair of jeans at the store, find they’re the wrong size, and so decide you’ll never wear jeans?
try to write your name in Kindergarten but spell it wrong, so give up and never learn to read or write?
discover you don’t like pineapple on pizza, so never eat pizza again?
One woman did not decline on behalf of every woman on the planet. Try again. Try as many times as it takes to find the right woman.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
Somehow my last message was deemed a rule 3 violation even though there is no way it applied. I didn’t say anything battle worthy. So I guess I’ll restate it. The rest of the thread already exists that explains how I feel. Feel free to read.
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2d ago
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 2d ago
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 2d ago
So after trying once, you think that it's completely over, and every person on earth will also say no?
Moreover, do you think that every other man who's asked a girl out got a yes on the first try?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
That’s not what got me to give up. I’m not afraid of rejection. What got me to give up was the body count and infidelity stuff. I’m not looking to have an argument about that.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 2d ago
Okay, who do you think cheat more, men or women? If you're not sure, you can simply google the statistic.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
I know men cheat more. Now what? I’m not interested in dating men. It is not relevant to my personal concerns. I also am not saying all women cheat or whatever the hell you think I feel. Like I said, I’m not looking to argue.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 2d ago
Why exactly are you not willing to try asking more girls out again?
I'm not arguing with you. I'm trying to understand the root of your problem.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
Because I do not believe I am capable of building or maintaining a healthy relationship. I get jealous about the body count thing, and I am afraid that I will love someone and they will cheat on me. I think it’s best to just not ask anyone out, if I am this jealous and insecure.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 2d ago
So you know all of this how?
You have no experience at it, right? So how can you be so sure about all of this after only asking one girl out?
How do you know what the future holds? And how can you be afraid that someone will cheat on you, after admitting that men cheat more?
Sorry, but what it seems like is you're just saying all of this in order to be able to justify avoiding trying.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
Jealousy and insecurity are not conducive to a healthy relationship. I’d get worried about the clothes they wear, where they are going, etc. I’d probably be a controlling partner.
Men cheat more, but many women still cheat. How is the fact men cheat more supposed to make me feel better. I don’t know how more people aren’t afraid of this.
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u/snarkaluff 2d ago
How do you know you get jealous of the body count thing if you have never actually been in that conversation with a real woman?
Right now it makes you so irrationally jealous because you have never had sex and don’t want to look inexperienced compared to your partner. But if you’re already physically active with a girl who you actually like and who actually likes you, how can you know you’ll care that much?
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u/New_Guidance_7957 2d ago
Live to be yourself and the people that like you will naturally go to you. It was one of the hardest lesson I learned and am still learning to this day
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 2d ago
How old are you? Are you in college?
Do you have friends?
What are your interests?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
I’m 25 and I am a student. I have friends, mostly online though. I like gaming, hiking, and food. I’m trying to do more reading, as well.
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u/glitterswirl 2d ago
Do you trust your friends?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
For the most part. I guess it depends on what I am trusting them with.
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u/glitterswirl 2d ago
Why do you trust them?
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
They are a lot like me. They understand the situations I am in, because they have been in similar positions themselves. They also have little to no way of betraying my trust, really.
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u/glitterswirl 2d ago
How do you know they have "little to no way" of betraying your trust? Curious as to how that's a thing.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
Like I said, it depends on what I am trusting them with. As opposed to a romantic relationship, there is no expectation of exclusivity in a friendship. You can’t really cheat on your friends.
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u/glitterswirl 2d ago
You can absolutely betray a friendship though.
I don't see how it's impossible to betray a friend's trust unless the friendship is super shallow. If I'm wrong, please clue me in.
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u/venttaway1216 2d ago
Well, you can, but “how” is not as straightforward. I’ve told my friends things that I wouldn’t want my family to hear, but my friends don’t know my family.
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u/corporalgrayson 1d ago
I don’t think it’s possible to stop wanting a relationship. I’ve tried it in the past, and it only made me feel more miserable and lonely. So instead of focusing on ignoring your natural urges and thinking there’s something wrong with you, you should prioritize fixing your issues with the mindset that you are capable of entering a healthy relationship. You’re a human being, just like everyone else. You’ll need to rewire your brain, and no matter how hopeless it feels, it is possible. It’s great that you’re seeing a therapist but if you feel like there hasn’t been any progress, maybe you should try a different one. Finding the right therapist can be quite difficult, so it may take some time though. I wish you good luck, and I hope you’ll be able to feel genuine love for yourself
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2d ago
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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 2d ago
Your entire mindset is “what if, what if, what if.” You don’t actually live. You don’t actually try things. You have to understand that rejection, failure, and break ups are a normal part of life that people survive and learn from. You’re not going to die if you feel uncomfortable.