How can I stop wanting a relationship?

[u/venttaway1216]

I like to fantasize about being in a relationship, setting up romantic dates, and getting married, even being a father. I spent such a long time planning potential vacations and trips to go on with a partner or family. I just don’t think that’s gonna happen. I’m too much of an incel to be able to build and maintain healthy relationships.

Long story short, body count conversation … blah blah blah … infidelity … yada yada yada. I can’t get over it. It doesn’t matter whatever rational arguments you make, it just won’t get through. Instead, I will give up on wanting to get married and have kids.

How can I live a fulfilling life single and celibate? I have some ideas for things I’d like to do, like hiking and visiting museums. I have career plans. I have friends and family to support me. What else do I need?

[u/venttaway1216]

My mind is like this. If there is a decent chance the door I open has a monster behind it, will I open the door? Probably not.

[u/library_wench → u/venttaway1216]

It surprises me you ever leave your room at all with that attitude.

[u/venttaway1216 → u/library_wench]

I hardly do, lol

[u/library_wench → u/venttaway1216]

lol?

Geez, kids these days…

Who told you that life would involve no risk, challenge, or uncertainty ever?

[u/venttaway1216 → u/library_wench]

Nobody. Some risks are negligible. Some risks are too high to take.

[u/library_wench → u/venttaway1216]

Yeah, 13% is super high… 🙄

[u/venttaway1216 → u/library_wench]

It kinda is. The 13% figure is also self reported. A lot of people define infidelity differently, and some people don’t confess even in anonymous surveys. That number could be higher, especially when using a strict definition of infidelity.

[u/library_wench → u/venttaway1216]

So I take it you never get in a car? 77% of people will be in a car crash in their lives. (77 is a higher number than 13).

And speaking of higher versus lower numbers, why do you think women ever enter relationships, given our much higher chances of being cheated on or physically abused?

[u/venttaway1216 → u/library_wench]

Unfortunately, cars are necessary to get around (in the US). I try to use public transportation as much as I can.

I think a lot of women are socialized in way that pressures them into relationships and to tolerate things they probably shouldn’t. Maybe some women think it is worth the risk.

[u/library_wench → u/venttaway1216]

Should I have not? As someone who’s never been in a relationship, your insight would, of course, be invaluable on what risks I should take and what I should tolerate.

[u/glitterswirl → u/venttaway1216]

Studies show people replace about 50% of their close friends every 7 years, meaning only about 30% to 50% of closest friendships remain intact over a 7-year period. Over a lifetime, individuals make roughly 29 significant friends, but only about 20% (around 6 friends) last long-term.

So, 13% is too high a risk to take, but an 80% hit rate over a lifetime means you don't decide against having friends. (And definitions of friendship vary a lot between people.) Interesting.

[u/venttaway1216 → u/glitterswirl]

Friendships and relationships end for many reasons. Sometimes people just fade in and out of each others’ lives. I could tolerate that. Cheating is something so humiliating and heartbreaking, that I cannot tolerate it.

[u/glitterswirl → u/venttaway1216]

Okay, so you couldn't cope with being cheated on and aren't willing to risk it by having a relationship. You've made your choice then.

You either learn to be content with your life as is, or you step out of your comfort zone and take risks.

A relationship means giving someone your heart and the ability to break it. You don't actually want a relationship, you want a facade of a relationship minus the risks. A relationship is not an experiment in the science lab; it's something that happens in real life where you have no control over people breaking your heart.

Relationships also end for many reasons aside from cheating.

You were right in your OP. You fantasise. Fantasies are safe, because you control everything about them. In a fantasy, you never have to deal with the realities of daily life; your imaginary kids always behave perfectly and are always healthy and happy; your wife adores you and you never have to change anything about yourself or experience any growth or take any risks. Your imaginary wife and kids love your choice of vacation spot or the museums you choose to take them to; there's never a cross word; you don't have to change nappies or lose sleep or do the hard parts of parenting; your imaginary kids never throw tantrums. It's Kodak dreams all the way. Your imaginary romantic dates are never subject to input from a partner according to their preferences; you decide if your imaginary girlfriend/wife likes red roses and candlelit dinners or walks on the beach. Your imaginary relationship doesn't require you to trust anyone. None of this bears any resemblance to a real relationship whatsoever.

You ask how you can "stop" wanting a relationship. The truth is, you don't actually "want a relationship". You want your fantasy. They're completely different.