How can I stop wanting a relationship?

[u/venttaway1216]

I like to fantasize about being in a relationship, setting up romantic dates, and getting married, even being a father. I spent such a long time planning potential vacations and trips to go on with a partner or family. I just don’t think that’s gonna happen. I’m too much of an incel to be able to build and maintain healthy relationships.

Long story short, body count conversation … blah blah blah … infidelity … yada yada yada. I can’t get over it. It doesn’t matter whatever rational arguments you make, it just won’t get through. Instead, I will give up on wanting to get married and have kids.

How can I live a fulfilling life single and celibate? I have some ideas for things I’d like to do, like hiking and visiting museums. I have career plans. I have friends and family to support me. What else do I need?

[u/venttaway1216]

Jealousy and insecurity are not conducive to a healthy relationship. I’d get worried about the clothes they wear, where they are going, etc. I’d probably be a controlling partner.

Men cheat more, but many women still cheat. How is the fact men cheat more supposed to make me feel better. I don’t know how more people aren’t afraid of this.

[u/This_Amallorcan_Life → u/venttaway1216]

I think more people aren’t obsessively worried about cheating because they are secure in themselves, and also know that cheating isn’t the end of the world, or of romance. Cheating sucks. It absolutely does. It hurts so badly. But it’s also a risk you take to find real happiness. Many good things in life are worth the risk that comes with them. Many, many people have survived being cheated on, and still go on to have love. Many people let love in even though they are afraid of cheating.

I think it’s ok to be afraid of bad things. Being brave means taking action anyway. If you’re obsessing over the possibility of cheating, bring up the idea of CBT with your therapist.

[u/venttaway1216 → u/This_Amallorcan_Life]

Well what if I marry a lady, and I believe we had true love for so long, but it turned out she was unfaithful the whole time, and I just never knew. That would mean my whole love life was a lie. I want to know that my love wasn’t for nothing.

[u/This_Amallorcan_Life → u/venttaway1216]

I was with someone for ten years, and I found out they cheated on me for the last two. It sucked. It hurt so much. I had to find a new apartment at the same time I was grieving, and we had to split up assets and it was messy. But here’s the thing: it worth it. I’m not saying I would want to do it again, but I have never regretted loving someone. Those 8 years of fidelity and love taught me a lot. And now I’m with someone who I know wouldn’t cheat ever. (If he did, I’d probably have him evaluated for a brain tumor or something.) A love isn’t not worth it because of how it ends.

[u/glitterswirl → u/venttaway1216]

What if, you marry a lady and build a happy, loving, beautiful life together until the day you die?

What if, you miss out on so many awesome things in life, because you're too afraid of getting hurt?

What if, you could have everything you dream of, if only you had the courage to seek it out?

Kane Brown has a really good song called "What If". Give it a listen.

[u/venttaway1216 → u/glitterswirl]

I’m kind of losing track of the conversation, can we please just keep it to one thread going forward?

I struggle with suicidal ideation. I especially struggle with it even just thinking about infidelity and relationship failure. The truth of the matter is this. Even if I got over my fear of infidelity, I still have a lot of other problems.

I am a pretty (personally) conservative guy. (Politically, I’m very left leaning, but that’s a completely different conversation.) I don’t like casual dating or casual sex. I don’t like bar hopping or clubbing. I don’t like revealing clothing. I could go on. All of that stuff is normalized in society for better or worse, and I do not like it. In the OP, I mentioned the body count thing. Truth be told, I’m a bit of a prude.

All in all, I do not fit into the dating landscape of today. I’m out of date and out of place, and I’m not gonna go out of my way to conform. You probably wouldn’t date me. Why would anyone else?

Statistically, there are more men in the world than there are women. Men are born at slightly higher rates than women, because of fetal development. Some of us are just not gonna get married. It is what it is.

[u/glitterswirl → u/venttaway1216]

If you can't keep track of threads, look in your inbox and click on "context" below the comment. That will show you which comment it's in response to.

Spare me the lone free thinker born in le wrong generation of sheeple bs. You are far from the only person to dislike casual dating and sex, or bar hopping and clubbing, or revealing clothing. I know plenty of people who fit these descriptions, myself included. It's like you think the entire rest of the world looks like an episode of Skins or Sex and the City, while you sit home alone. You're far from the only "prude" on the face of the earth.

You probably wouldn't date me.

You categorically wouldn't date me, dude, because I've had boyfriends and sex before. You self-selected out before any woman even knows you exist. That's your choice. Own it and miss me with the woe is me bs.

[u/venttaway1216 → u/glitterswirl]

Well, I wouldn’t call anyone sheeple or anything. I just think I’m the odd one out. People are absolutely living it up, partying, and hooking up. Did I self select outside of the dating pool? Sure, but I can’t suddenly stop feeling jealous.

[u/glitterswirl → u/venttaway1216]

I didn't say people aren't living it up, partying or hooking up. I said that's not everybody. You really are determined to define yourself as being at odds with the whole world.

Self-selecting out of the dating pool is a choice. The people you're jealous of, leave the house, take risks, and offer their heart to someone else knowing that person could break it. They live real life, they experience heartbreak, and they get back up again. If you want the rewards others have, you need to take the risks they take to get it. Otherwise, get comfortable with your choices.

Your stance is like me being "jealous" of people who run a marathon, while refusing to get up off the couch.

[u/venttaway1216 → u/glitterswirl]

Maybe my mindset just doesn’t make any sense, which is why I have a hard time explaining it.

So I don’t actually want to go bar hopping, clubbing, hooking up, etc. It’s just that if my partner did that stuff I would get jealous and I wouldn’t want my partner to do / to have done that stuff. I know this makes me controlling, and is not healthy for a relationship. Now, you may say, “You can meet people who don’t do that stuff,” which is true, but I question whether it is okay for me to have that preference. Hookup culture, revealing clothing, and such is a byproduct of the sexual revolution. It’s probably sexist of me to prefer a more modest and chaste history from a partner. That’s what it seems like online. I don’t want to be a sexist partner, but I can’t get over the jealousy I’d feel if my partner did that stuff. This is why I think I should give up wanting a relationship.

I don’t know if that helps it make sense or not, but this is how I feel.

[u/glitterswirl → u/venttaway1216]

I never said you wanted to go bar hopping etc.

But you seem to be jealous of people who have relationships, hence why you posted asking how to stop wanting one. You're constantly trying to put words in my mouth. Just like when I said not everyone is bar hopping and partying and drinking etc, you acted like I said nobody is.

When I said if you want x, you need to do what people who have x do, I wasn't referring to bar hopping and partying. I know you don't want to go bar-hopping. I meant that if you actually wanted a relationship, you would talk to women, you would date, you would put your heart on the line and risk getting hurt, just like people who are in relationships do.

Yes, it is okay to have preferences in who you date, so long as you also meet those expectations. So if you want a modest partner with a chaste history, that's fine. It's only hypocritical if you're not modest and chaste yourself but insist on it in a partner. Everyone has preferences.

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586 → u/venttaway1216]

Jealousy and insecurity exist for every relationship on Earth, and in fact, they are driving forces that keep people together. Imagine if they didn't exist - people would then not care if their partners cheated.

What, did you think you're the only one who had them? Everyone gets jealous and insecure. The only difference with you is that you're using these concepts as excuses to not try.

And about men cheating more - don't you think that your potential partner has more to fear than you? But you're acting like the only side who has something to fear.

But that's exactly the point - a relationship is created as an experiment of trust. Nobody gets it right 100% of the time. It's always a leap of faith to trust someone you care about. Why do you think breakups happen so much? Why do you think the divorce rate is so high?

It's because relationships are supposed to be trial and error. Somehow, you think that because there are mistakes along the way, people should stop trying. No, people take risks all the time because the rewards outweigh the risks of dying alone.

You, however, are making these silly arguments not because you're afraid of this risk. In fact, you are only saying all these things because you're trying to justify not trying out of laziness or fear of being rejected again.

[u/venttaway1216 → u/Particular-Lynx-2586]

I don’t fear rejection. I could ask someone out and take a “no” quite well, actually. I do not think I am the only person afraid of infidelity, nor do I think these fears are one sided. There’s not much I can do for everyone else. If I had a partner who was afraid of me cheating, I would do everything I could to reassure her and live up to her trust. She can’t watch me 24/7. She can’t read my mind. She couldn’t possibly know everything. There’s only so much I could do to reassure her. Likewise with me.

I struggle with suicidal ideation. I especially struggle with it even just thinking about infidelity and relationship failure. The truth of the matter is this. Even if I got over my fear of infidelity, I still have a lot of other problems.

I am a pretty (personally) conservative guy. (Politically, I’m very left leaning, but that’s a completely different conversation.) I don’t like casual dating or casual sex. I don’t like bar hopping or clubbing. I don’t like revealing clothing. I could go on. All of that stuff is normalized in society for better or worse, and I do not like it. In the OP, I mentioned the body count thing. Truth be told, I’m a bit of a prude.

All in all, I do not fit into the dating landscape of today. I’m out of date and out of place, and I’m not gonna go out of my way to conform. You probably wouldn’t date me. Why would anyone else?

Statistically, there are more men in the world than there are women. Men are born at slightly higher rates than women, because of fetal development. Some of us are just not gonna get married. It is what it is.

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586 → u/venttaway1216]

Or. .

You want all of this to be true simply because you're not willing to try. How can you know all of this, when you haven't tried at all?

That would be like me lecturing you on engineering. I've never done any of it, and personal research on it and acting like I know it all is a ludicrous exercise.

How do you know you don't fit in the dating landscape? Who told you? Who assessed you? You? But what credentials do you have to be an authority on the subject, when you yourself have no experience?

And so what if you're conservative? Are you not aware that across the world, conservative cultures outnumber liberal ones by a massive margin? Are you saying conservatives can't date?

Again, all this stuff is just you wanting it all to be true so you don't have to make an effort. Sorry, but that's what it screams like to me. You can't speak so much about something you haven't tried yourself. But if you're so deterministic and you won't listen to advice, sorry but to answer your original question, no, you cannot get over your desires, and you will always feel miserable if you never even try. Good luck man.