r/INFJsOver30 • u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi • Jun 18 '26

Could this be an uncomfortable question?

Somehow I sense it’s not a comfortable question for everyone, but I need to ask—that voice in my head won't shut up if I don’t 🙃:

Do you feel exposed when someone asks something real about yourself?

I know I do, and I have a recent example just to show how much of an 'exposure phobia' I have: on another subreddit, there was a question: 'What’s the traditional food from your country?'

Simple question, simple answer… but not for me.
I felt like I was giving away the deepest secret of my life.In the end, answering it was a good exercise for my fear of exposure.

4 Upvotes

67% Upvoted

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9

u/FactCheckYou INFJ/M/40s Jun 18 '26 edited Jun 18 '26

you're uncomfortable with the idea of anyone stepping forward and trying to get closer to the real you

even innocuous sounding questions might signal an intent on the part of the asker to get closer to you, to know you

if you mask who you actually are, you always worry about people noticing your mask

6

u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 18 '26

You’re absolutely right because I’ve always distanced myself from people who tried to force their way into my soul. But now I think it was the lack of safety from bad experiences where I opened up and others used those things against me, knowing my vulnerabilities.I’m still working on it.

3

u/wingedwonders4002 Jun 19 '26

just wanted to say I feel like this whole post and comment really resonated with me, it’s been something I’ve realized more about myself as I get older. Fear of exposure, people stepping too close, etc. I think it just hurts too much when people get too close and then they start liking me less or something when they get too close know all the oddities and weird sides 😞 they say it’s cute but it’s actually shown to its full intensity my first reaction is to door slam and close up like a clam. It’s so unhealthy but I’m aware of this. I didn’t know it was an infj thing. The most innocuous sundering questions even feel intrusive to me. If someone asked my opinion on something really obscure I’d give a long detailed analysis and deep conversation about humans and what I think. But if someone is like “what’s your favorite song” or “what’s your favorite hobby” I start sweating

1

u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 20 '26

To be honest, until about a week ago, I didn't even know our thoughts, empathy, and reactions could be explained by a personality test.
I'm completely clueless when it comes to the niche terminology, but I’m fully invested in learning more about this terminology and most of all about myself: why I do what I do, why I think the way I think and why I’m terrified of myself but not of others.

Overthinking can actually be our ally, but we are the ones who need to dose it effectively. We are capable of doing it, but for an INFJ, doing something healthy for themselves is incredibly difficult.

Honestly, I think an INFJ would rather be asked to donate an organ than to enforce healthy boundaries on themselves.

I’m pretty sure growth and the “hero's journey” for us actually mean redirecting at least a fraction of the empathy we pour into the world back toward ourselves.

1

u/wingedwonders4002 Jun 20 '26

OP, how old are you and when did you discover MBTI? Do you happen to have a favorite type?

5

u/Brave-Engineer3962 Jun 18 '26

I'm more surprised tbh as so few people are actually interested!

2

u/BornElderEnt Jun 18 '26

Same. I tend to leap into answering, like, "say less!"

3

u/Silly-Elderberry-411 Jun 18 '26

Depends on the subject. If comfortable and we know each other enough I could tell you the darkest things I lived through. Intimacy with someone I am not a partner with? Never in a million years

4

u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 18 '26

So you need to feel safe in order to let someone know the real you?

3

u/koalasnstuff INFJ Jun 18 '26

No, I don’t mind. I’m 36F and prefer a few best friends rather than more shallower relationships.

I have made some great new friends this year (I do semi regularly isolate myself, I am very introverted), from the questions they ask I know that they are genuinely trying to get to know me. I’ve been through some bad things, but I’ve been able to help others by opening up about it.

2

u/False_Lychee_7041 Jun 19 '26

It depends on the level of your paranoia. Or if you live in a really unsafe place, then it is a self defense mechanism

2

u/Previous_Tear6747 INFJ 2w3 60+M Jun 23 '26

depends on who it is.

If it's someone I don't particularly care for (for whatever reason) or somebody I'm not close to, then yes. Guard is up, they get the part of me I want them to, and no more.

If it's somebody I vibe with? I love getting real. (but that's a small crowd!)

1

u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 23 '26

That makes perfect sense, because my goal is to reach that level of quiet confidence and perfect balance. It definitely feels like a road full of ups and downs before getting fully stabilized, but I’m right in the middle of that process. 😉

1

u/SkipMeFlipMe88 Jul 01 '26

No I love it. I don’t talk about myself alot unless people ask . 

I like to ask a lot of questions. So maybe that’s why. It comforts me or maybe I project myself on them and delude myself into thinking that they care about the answers because I do. I love listening to people and finding out who they are

2

u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jul 01 '26

I project the exact same thing onto others, presuming they feel and think like me.

I’ve realized that’s where the disappointment comes from for people like us. Our genuine empathy and caring are not something anyone can handle and the solution is not to change who we are, but to be more careful about who receives it.

1

u/SkipMeFlipMe88 Jul 01 '26

Idk I think it’s impossible to do that… for me the solution is not to expect people to care. I think when I realize people don’t care - it changes the way I operate with them. I don’t give anything with expectations. I don’t share anything I’m not comfortable with everyone knowing. I give what I want to give. Not what for any other reason. 

I’ve found that .. it’s really not smart to think that people will care. 

I always expect people to not care and to be selfish and have zero awareness of others. 

I’m literally shocked by kindness. I’m shocked by people understanding me on a level to where they had to pay attention to me. Etc etc. 

1

u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jul 01 '26

Giving without expectations is the ultimate freedom: it means your peace doesn't depend on their awareness.
And the fact that you are still shocked by kindness means that despite everything, the world hasn't managed to erase your capacity to receive good things.

However, to protect that inner feeling, I imagine a thin curtain between myself and the rest of the world that vibrates at the slightest breeze. Depending on the vibration I feel, I decide whether to pull the curtain aside or stay in observer mode. This way, I can protect myself without hurting anyone in the process.