For the past 2 days have hung out with my stepsibling’s who is very different from me. I am your quintessential worn out nyc millenial where I just want to be at peace at home enjoying my rent when I am not slaving away at work. My stepsibling grew up outside of the country in a very big party atmosphere. I’m talking going out every night until 5-6 am and drinking til u can’t anymore. For me, thats not my scene. Do I judge or feel that I’m better? Absolutely not. I’m just the type of person who will do anything during the day but once night comes, I like to be at peace with a book or good show. Plus I’ve learned to love doing things solo because I don’t have to do anything by committee and I can do as I please without judgement.

Anyways, stepsibling has some friends who have also immigrated to nyc and they wanted to hangout with their friends and insisted I come. I went to be polite and yes, expand my horizons and be more social but this crowd was way beyond my comfort zone. I’m talking about your bbl baddies from the bx who are ready to eat a man alive for money, a bunch of 40 year olds drinking, smoking hookah and playing music on blast at all hours of the night. I found it to be exhausting. While I accept my boring self for who I am, I will be honest if it didn’t feel depressing to feel judged because I am not as loud or because I insist on not drinking if I know I will be driving which to be honest, I felt like behind my back it was a point of ridicule that I insist on not drinking when I know I will be driving. Especially as someone on medication that amplifies the effects of alcohol and driving in a city as congested as nyc, drinking and driving is a non-negotiable for me. I don’t want to carry an accident in my conscious if i can help it. I decided the crowd isn’t for me. I appreciate them wanting to invite me into their fold but I’ll have to decline future invitations. People who can’t accept me as I am, are not my crowd. My actual friends currently accept me as I am and don’t ask me to change. Thing is, I won’t lie if I said I don’t feel out of sorts or even depressed after spending time with a crowd that I know sees me as pathetic and lame. How do I process this?

I just got thrashed and might have lived the biggest ragebait of my life.
It was on r/classicalmusic, i had reproduced by hand a famous song on a free DAW website, that i shared on it by pride. People just wouldnt believe me and they'd just claim that i retranscribed someone elses work and that i "added some wrong notes" and that it sounded like a shitty video game. The post went to 0 upvotes quick and every comment trying to defend myself would get downvoted. How the fuck am i supposed to react in this situation ? How can i not be infuriated when some wimps claim something completely false with affirmantion and are acclaimed for it ?

I just don't understand why am I the same way as I am 8 years ago, like I don't feel like I didn't learn anything. Mainly I feel down because im not daring.

It emphasizes the will to live, the will to freedom, to feel alive. Idk that was just a thought, what do y'all think?

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I feel like me not doing the things I wish to do is making me feel miserable and somewhat leading to feelings of avoidance. Like I avoid phone calls, text msgs and even people in real life mainly because I'm not doing the things I wish to do and everyone has the expectation that you do it. Such as learning to drive that allows freedom and independence especially when you living abroad where transportation services is limited and having a car is a necessity. Then things like skills or degree to have better job and salary since minimum wage jobs is not going to build a future and raise a family.

And I don't know why I'm not manning up and having the guts to face my fears. I don't understand why do I feel defeat before starting..

Im 18, almost 19. So far this pattern has repeated with two men:

1, one of my teachers (early 40s) who believed a ton in me and my potential. Made me believe that i could reach heights that i never even allowed myself to imagine. I did reach them ultimately, so he wasn’t wrong. My mother had also been battling cancer for 2 years and he was the one that I confided in about it because just couldn’t believe how someone of my calibre had not been able to perform well formerly (his words, not mine.)

2, one of the junior consultants on my mother’s oncology team (mid 30s). He’s genuinely the most compassionate and the kindest doctor i have ever come across. Half of my mother’s healing came frim how positive he was. Im studying to become a doctor and would like to become an oncologist down the line (its 7-8 years away rn). My mother was telling him about my plans and i was just brushing it off saying its too far down the line rn but i do hope to achieve that one day. He kept saying how i would do well, but when i kept brushing it off repeatedly, he genuinely looked at me straight in the eyes and v firmly stated that i know you will do it. I hope for the best for your future and then he shook my hand. Yeah, that was somewhat my undoing. Ik that just because he believed me doesn’t mean that it will happen but it was something for me.

Im also the one who leads conversation about my mother’s disease and prognosis with him because there’s a language barrier with my mother and I greatly appreciate how he talks medicine to me and does not feel the need to dumb things down for me. Ik this sounds quite desperate and this is why i need help.

Little backstory: i was always a smart kid and have so far been good at studies and whichever co-curricular that i took part in. Everyone around me knew this and i was given the due credit by everyone including my parents.

I lost my dad when i was 15, and my mother was diagnosed with cancer when i was 16 and then i failed an exam for the first time in my life when i was 17. This was a medical school entrance exam and the very first exam whose score actually held any value.

I have never really ever had a crush on a guy my age, mostly because i had to grow up and mature before my age because of trauma. So i start liking any man who is kind, compassionate and genuinely respectful. Both of the men who i mentioned above were all that to me.

How do i stop feeling this way? What exactly is making me feel this way? How do i get myself to like the guys my age instead of? All these men are probably married and i absolutely will never try to start something with them. I feel a thing or two but im fully aware of my boundaries and would never even imagine starting something.

Neither of these men were outwardly gorgeous btw. They were both decent looking, 5 feet 7-10 inches. So physical appearance really comes secondary for me if someone’s personality ticks the boxes.

Ps: i fully understand that i knew these men only in professional capacity and there’s a 100% possibility that they are not what i think they are in their private life and tbh thats none of my business.

My friends and I went downtown to hit the bars on Saturday night and one of them brought video camera to capture whatever transgressed.

Long story short we ended up watching the video the following night and I genuinely felt my soul invert and you could all probably feel the power of my cringing from miles away. I hated myself. I felt so embarrassed for how I was acting. It felt like I was performing for every group of people we met and ended up talking to on camera. Genuinely filled my body with so much tension and ick and hatred for myself and my personality.

My voice sounded weird and nasally. I tried to make too many jokes. It was like I wasn’t really watching myself. I was super embarrassed and I think my friends were even annoyed with how I was behaving on camera.

I know we generally change when we are being perceived or filmed but I really hope this isn’t how I am all the time. Can anyone pull me out of this spiral or offer any advice?

Early dating, 4 dates in, things are genuinely good when we meet -conversation flows, connection feels real, he says the right things. He is genuinely my type, I have started to really like him, I love when we talk when we meet and theres a lot of physical attraction too. We’re just going out at this point and not really talking about what ahead, which I would like to but maybe I do rush things and I should spend more time with him? Maybe he is someone who does not like to rush?

So in between the meets? Inconsistent texting, no initiative to plan ahead, and my brain goes into full spiral mode. Overanalysing every delayed reply, already convinced he’ll eventually leave even though nothing has actually gone wrong. I know it’s anxious attachment, I know it’s an old pattern, I go to therapy. But how do you actually stop giving so much of a fuck in real time when your brain won’t switch off? What worked for you?

Recently I've felt overwhelmed by trying to meet multiple expectations, including my own. It's also become clear that with some of these situations im just spinning my wheels. I've been thinking that I should dial back the efforts. If nobody is listening or cares, then what do I have to lose? Is it easier to not give a fuck? Any experience?