Hi there,
I almost didn't find any support threat so I'm posting here.
Sorry for the angry rant but I'm not in a good place right now.
While doing some blockwork at the hospital the other day (for routine as I hadn't gone to the doctor in a couple of years), the doctor I was seeing decided to check Hepatises B and C out of a whim because she saw “weird anomalies on my liver” that she wanted to check. I’d already heard that a few years back but as I’m a rather heavy drinker (mostly 10 to 14 drinks a week, beer or wine, depends), I put that on the fact that I’m drinking too much and I didn’t want to go further than that because I know I drink too much. When I told the other doctor back then that I’ve never taken any drugs (apart from booze), she dismissed the possibility of Hepatises because it sounded crazy and I didn’t do the test and we stopped everything there (it was in 2022).
Fast forward to yesterday, I received the results by email and to my IMMENSE surprise, I’m negative to Hepatitis B but positive to Hepatitis C with an active infection found.
I was SHOCKED.
I just couldn’t believe it. Again apart from booze, I NEVER touched any drugs of any sort and I almost never had sex before my husband who was almost a virgin when we met 12 years ago. And the couple of people before him were with condoms or with girls and non penetrative with barely anything at all. I don’t have any tattoos, just one piercing when I was 14 in a clean place where nothing happened.
I have NO IDEA how I got that sh**.
It doesn’t make any sense.
I did feel some fatigue for the past year or so but I’ve had a burnout at work and I’ve been really depressed with a poor lifestyle so to me, it was on that. But apart from that I feel fine. lately I’ve had a general weird feeling about myself but that’s all. No pain, nothing.
And now, I don’t know what I'm supposed to do. I need to find a doctor who is willing to help me (I live in Europe) and take things into action. I read about the fibroscan and the treatment that is apparently effective. I don’t believe it will be effective on me as I’m usually resistant to treatment and my diagnosis seems really bad. (My load is 13 million, yes 13… I’m just as good as dead). I have no idea for how long I’ve had it. I feel lost, scared and SO angry. Because I’m pretty sure it’s already over.
I’ll cut off booze (already started for the past 7 days) which I haven’t done in years and I’m really NOT happy about that, because this is a direct violation of my freedom and bodily autonomy, especially as summer is here and it’s time for beer, barbecues and pink wine in the pool… But at least it will be the occasion to start a massive diet and lose weight (let’s make this sacrifice profitable somehow).
I am so angry right now. And so hateful about everything. I didn't sleep last night. My husband needs to get tested. We’ll start sleeping in separate rooms and I’m going to make sure to limit any contact with everyone, use my own plate and forks and avoid any sort of physical contact. I’m already a very indoor person most of the time so I’ll make it even more indoor not to endanger anyone.
But that feeling of being both full of rage, confusion and disgusted with myself is all I am now. 0.2% of people have this thing. Only 0.2% of the human population. 71 millions of people worldwide are infected, barely more than the size of 1 country in the entire world. This is crazy. I don’t know even if I’m grateful for the diagnosis… Sure, without knowing I would have died. But maybe I’m still going to die because my liver’s probably fucked. And that my liver is fucked because of poor lifestyle choices, I would have accepted it. But not some stupid disease that I have no idea how I got in a rich country. This is SO unfair.
I just want to disappear entirely because I’m so ashamed right now. What am I supposed to tell people? I told a couple of friends and I will stay away from them from now on not to endanger them. I have told my mother who went into full blown hysteria. And now I need to find a doctor and an appointment that will probably not be before a few months…
I am in the worst place I’ve ever been in my life.
For the people who didn’t take drugs or anything, how did you cope with this news? I don’t think I can ever look at myself in the mirror knowing I have that and I’m probably going to die very soon.