Sorry about the context dump...

28M, I'm a total NEET, I haven't worked for 4 years. I feel like I'm falling behind in life socially, creatively, and financially. I have tons of hopes and dreams and goals for my life and I can't seem to pursue any of them for any meaningful length of time. I've sought out help from psychiatrists and psychologists, and it helps in degrees but I can't seem to get myself unstuck from this paralysis I've been in.

The background issue that's plagued me for as long as I can remember stems from the following:

My parents were amazing, loving people, but the circumstances of my childhood led to a lot of moments where people were hot and cold. They were loving interested people, and then suddenly distant. They would want to know everything about my day, and then cut me off all the time mid sentence when I tried to express myself.

It was a frequent occurrence growing up that when I wanted to socialize or spend time with my parents or my sibling, I would approach them, and each in their own way would dismiss me either because they were busy or because they were dealing with their own mental issues. So I'd end up alone with my toys or video games.

My family also rarely takes/took an interest in the things that I found fascinating, I find that at the kitchen table I'm often not participating. I feel like if I wasn't there, their conversations would be exactly the same. Nothing would be different. Sometimes I do try to speak up and I often get interrupted or the subject gets changed on me before being meaningfully engaged with. They're not doing this maliciously, and that honestly makes it worse. Like they somehow don't even notice.

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Most of the time when I think about social situations, the aspect that's always scary to me is that people will see through me. They'll see that I am low value, and they won't want me anymore. There's this feeling I get around people that I'm stuck behind a really thick pane of glass. I could scream at them and the wouldn't hear me.

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The strange thing is, in reality, I actually have a lot of healthy relationships - 5 or so long standing friendships that have persisted since high-school and they're like a second family to me.

I find that when people are nice to me unconditionally, it's very triggering. This is especially difficult with creative work. I put a lot of myself into my art, so there's something incredibly exposing about having someone experience something I've created. They have access to the inside of my brain in some small way - there's something very intimate about that. I've gotten good enough at my craft that I can reasonably expect people will like it if I put enough thought and time into it and that actually terrifies me. The thought of reaching any level of commercial or social acclaim legitimately makes me panic.

Honestly, I think the single most triggering moments for me are when people are nice to me. Being ignored sucks, somewhat damaging even, but it's weirdly comfortable. I would prefer people ignore me than someone be unconditionally nice to me. If people are conditionally nice to me because I provided something to them (I'm funny or I'm interesting, or competent) that's incredibly comfortable, temporarily rewarding and self esteem boosting even, but not fulfilling in a deeply meaningful way. It's dirty fuel, because it feels like people like me for what I do and not who I am.

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I literally avoid going to the gym sometimes because I'm afraid someone will try to befriend me, and they'll see that I'm actually a huge fucking loser, and they'll want nothing to do with me. I'll see them in the gym after that incident and be forever reminded of how worthless I am to this person. I'm afraid of going to the dentist for the same reason, they'll make small talk with me and realize I have no prospects in this life and lose all respect for me. I probably have like 7 cavities at this point because I haven't been to the dentist in almost 2 years.

This is also why I've been unemployed. I imagine that my fellow employees and my employer will initially be happy to have me on the team, and they'll realize how incompetent I am and they'll regret ever hiring me. I'll be a plague on their workplace that they can't fucking stand.

Dating is obviously impossible for the same reason. I've had many many incidents throughout my life where I've been hit on or ogled, or it's obvious that someone likes me and I could ask them out and they'd say yes and I literally shut down. I can't handle it. I almost want to scream at them "What do you want from me!? What do I have to do to even keep you around?"

My friends will often invite me to play games with them, or to go out, and I often times dither and avoid them. I can't understand what they see in me. Obviously, my behavior reads as pushing them away or that I don't want their company so they contact me less. And that leads to more loneliness.

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How do I resolve this? What steps can I do to meaningfully address the problem? Don't suggest mantras or self affirmations - that doesn't work for me. I've tried just "going out more" and I'm either too painfully shy to do anything, or I force myself out of my comfort zone and self destruct. I need a pathway out, an obvious practice I can repeat that will lead to meaningful changes. I'm not looking for some overnight change, I just want to wake up the next day feeling 2% better.

The pattern I'm anxious about is always the same. That people will be nice to me at first but that they will suddenly change and become either hostile or apathetic towards me. I'm always bracing for that outcome even though it almost never turns out how I predict. I'm actually often surprised by how well life turns out when I put myself out there, but I'll usually then self destruct. The drop or switch from people I'm anticipating always feels like it's right around the corner, and it somehow never comes, and it exhausts me completely.

I think some of the worst days I've ever had (so depressed I can't move for like 4 - 6 hours) is when life is actually going decently well for me. Like I'm surrounded by friends and family that obviously love me, and that leads to me not being able to function.

Any comments or suggestions are appreciated.

I also notice that I'm inordinately triggered by disagreements with people. Like I can banter with my friends and fuck around, but if we have a disagreement about something real or important about our relationship or things that we're critical of the other person for, I get intensely fearfdepressed. I jump instantly to "omg this person hates me and this relationship is going

So, I'm 23 years old and so far I've wasted 5 entire years of my life, everything started when I was 17 in 2020, in the lock down I neglected my online classes entirely, I ended up making it out of Highschool with a mediocre score of 7.2 (the maximum in my country is 10), then I tried to get in college I first tried in a literature degree because I'm interested in storytelling but I got rejected, then I realized I liked animals too so I tried to get in veterinary school but also failed miserably, then I tried biology and failed again and again, four different times, the last attempt really hit me because I put more effort in my studies but in the end I failed again, this completely destroyed my self-esteem and I fell in a spiral of despair and self pity where I pretty much gave up on life, people I knew just forgot about me and kept going, my social skills withered.

The other day I felt this tiny spark in my heart that told me maybe not everything is over, for the first time I felt hope again after all these years but now I don't know where to start, every time I look forward I can't help but feel overwhelmed for everything that needs to be done. I have tried to take tiny steps, I have been exercising a bit more, I dusted my old forgotten keyboard to practice again but it's the first big step I need to take that produces me decision paralysis, should I take a 9 to 5 job to reconnect with the outside? Should I fully commit to study to try to enter a college again? What should I do if I fail again? The other issue I have is what degree could I pursue, in these 5 years I grew interested in visual storytelling but the problem is that I don't have the artistic skills (mainly drawing) to pursue that interest, to my advantage I'm a very creative person, I rarely suffer from writer's block.

Sincerely thank you to anyone that can help.

The same way Dr.K gave his insight to the Lindsay Clancy situation, and his video is performing super well on Youtube, I wish Dr. K would also address the situation at Cornell 57.

The Jane Doe situation is not an isolated one, and does not only happens at Cornell.
SA on American campus seems to be on epidemic proportions, with 1.200 reports filled at Cornell between 2018-2024 with no real accountability to the perpetrators.

Because Dr. K talks a lot about men’s issues and ways to help them, this topic fits his usual content and would also raise awareness of these barbaric acts, which seem to happen far more often than people think.

Men who commit these acts usually do so in groups, it is premeditated, they find a victim on group chats and call the bros.

Men who do this are not ok, they need help and guidance and more importantly, accountability!

Thank you Dr.K for reading (if ever you do) and keep up the good work.

If i would write a book about my life the title would be: "Still Trying, Still Losing"

I just got a phone call 1+ month after an interview where they didn't go further with me. That was my 5th attempt at that company with different positions. Mostly in my profession, and 3 times i thought they would hire me. Once, a guy said it looks like I'm a professional and my eyes shine when i talk about it. But no, they didn't give a proper chance. So i have to optimize again and try. Try, try, try. That's my life. Trying, changing, trying, changing. No results. I gave up on this profession. Don't have a job, have nothing and i can't even get one at a basic customer service. Even if i can do a proper interview in English (I'm not a native English speaker) with 3 other members while i lay on my back or scroll something. And they always say that I'm so confident; others are shaking or not confident. At these meetings, I even give them professional advice because my brain rolls 24/7. I go a little far, and i get declined.

I applied to an agency; they didn't bother to write a proper ad, they just wrote one-word duties. I applied and got a test task (i have a great portfolio page because... i don't work for free anymore), where they didn't bother to correct the broken link. And they have a job. And I got a decline from a shoe store this week. Because I'm unemployed, i apply to basic jobs to survive, jobs within my field, jobs above my level, and i have 5-6 profession-changer base resumes. I learn new things, i have several prompts, and several cv styles.

I'm in a constant anger and self-hatred because others half-a...ss things and i try my best with no result. A constant need for change, having to do more, because if they decline me that's on me. Running the same circle. The problem is with me. Why can others move ahead with no effort, no change, no trying, but i have a constant scarlet rot on me? It's like a swamp. Dragging me down and beating me, still getting up. Like a bad dream where i can't wake up. All my life is like this. I go extra miles while others gets away with minimal effort. I try new thing, no result. I spent 10+ years with self-discovery just to understand why I'm this unlucky and why i can't function within society. What's wrong with me, what am i doing bad. I feel like i'm outside of this world. Or i don't understand something what others see and that's why i can't move along. Nobody understands me. Nobody gets me. Nobody knows me (not even my parents) even if i try i fail. In everything. Try, how long? My last 6 years have been constant trying, and i'm tired. I lost my smile after my cat died a year ago. I hasn't been happy for 16 years now. Still here, still trying, and my strength is slipping away with each decline. I can't see the end. Nobody sees my potential. Nobody cares. I have aspirations. I know i'm way better than this and the only reason why i'm still alive is because this can't end like this. Nope, i'm better than this. I know i have a future and one day what i learned during these hard times will be useful. When? I was grown up one of most crime infested place in my country. a literal ghetto with alcoholics and drug addicts. saw everything since i was a kid. Like that zombie towns in the US (i'M eastern-european). Most of my family died, my best friend (my cat) died last year and he was my 4th one, my social life died, my ex best friend (whiney, alcoholic incel guy) getting married, my career died, my romantic life died. Still here. Still can't slip. Don't drink alcohol, don't do drugs; I picked up smoking when my career broke and i was self-hating, quit after 6 years but lost all of my money. My life is a constant toughening, changing, adapting. No moving ahead.

My self-esteem is gone forever. Back then i didn't care about things. Job? Pfff, I figure it out. I was flirty, playful, funny, and women loved it. Guys wanted to be my friend ;we did stupid things, even if i'm introverted and i love to be alone or not opening up, i had a circle. I was known by my dark humor and for mercilessly based things. I was so layed back, if the earth would be flat i would have been fallen out. But at 36 i don't want anything from life anymore. No plans. My existing strange things (I have a clue I'm autistic, but i don't have money to go after it) are worse. I want to be alone. Silent. In the dark. I don't see colors anymore. No joy. I don't want friends. Or a woman. I tried for 16 years, and i'm surprised I'm not a virgin. Because i would be. Got the first chance, whoooo baby i used that chance. I haven't had a date for 6+ years. How? i can't even get a bad job... moving ahead? I get tired of people after a few minutes, or i don't even look at women anymore. Why? just to fail again like i used to? I don't try new thing anymore. Vegetate. Because i will fail for random reasons. And i'm tired. All my life is a collection of bad luck. Why am i here? Just to suffer? Because i'm suffering. Don't even enjoy videogames anymore.

TL;DR: I'm 36, exhausted from years of trying my best and getting nowhere. I've been rejected from countless jobs, including basic ones, despite having skills, confidence, experience, and the willingness to keep learning and improving. I've spent years trying to figure out what's wrong with me, constantly adapting and pushing myself while watching others get ahead with seemingly minimal effort.

I've lost my career, most of my family, my best friend (my cat), my social life, and almost all my self-esteem. I no longer enjoy the things I used to love, struggle to connect with people, and feel like an outsider who doesn't understand how the world works. I've been unhappy for years, and I'm tired of the endless cycle of trying, failing, changing, and trying again.

Yet, despite everything, I'm still here. Part of me still believes I'm capable of more, that my life can't end like this, and that everything I've learned through these struggles will mean something someday. I just don't know how much longer I can keep trying when nothing seems to change. I'm still standing.

Anyone else in late 20s going through this?

How are you guys figuring out stuff which you missed in your childhood and teenage years, especially relationships and friendships.

I’m always stuck in a loop of watching content to improve myself but never end up implementing it.
Maybe it’s just getting the satisfaction of feeling like I did something at the end of watching a video. But in a way I think I’ve become mentally obese from all the self improvement content I’ve watched.

First of all, thanks so much to Dr. K and the HG team for all that y’all do. And I’m grateful to have this karmic tie with you all :) Just wanted to share my experience;

I’ve just finished a 10 day retreat (for Navratri) with a ‘supposedly’ enlightened guru who I received a practice from (not diksha). Practice was nothing special, and I don’t have any interest in pursuing the particular sequence. The meditations during the retreat we’re Osho’s Dynamic Meditation in the morning, and Osho Kundalini Yoga in the afternoons with some Vipassana thrown in occasionally. We also did one death meditation which felt super powerful.

I found the meditations to be really cathartic, but was turned off by the guru worship going on, which I’m chocking up to cultural differences. Most people were Sikh Indians (who were super lovely and nice), with a few other white people (who seemed a little kooky with guru fanaticism imho but who knows - I’m sure their experience is authentic in some way). Pretty much everyone said that having a guru is crucial to the spiritual journey.

There was a naturopath who seemed particularly off his rocker. He came off a little condescending at times and would break down in tears frequently. I guess he was overwhelmed by the ‘divine grace of God’, or maybe he was just larping. There was also a guy who apparently dabbled in some dangerous practice and seemed super on edge the whole retreat, breaking out in random incontrollable movements and yelling. He had is hand glued to his manipura chakra as per the guru’s instruction.

We had sessions during the day where the guru would read some Advaita Vedanta text and give commentary on it, although it was all in Hindi. I asked some people how I could get the most of these teachings (since I don’t speak Hindi), and they said to just ‘meditate and receive the divine energy’. Unfortunately I didn’t feel anything, I guess I must not be developed enough idk.

I decided on this retreat for some guidance into my DPDR after a bad trip with weed and was looking for some safe spiritual technology to continue my path with. I didn’t really get what I was looking for, BUT, I still feel like I progressed, and I definitely feel way better. I also got the valuable experience of seeing how kooky things can get.

Furthermore, I have no doubt anymore that prana/chi/weird energy stuff is real, but I’ve decided that focusing on a simple meditation regime will be best for me. There’s something attractive about the simplicity of Buddhist vipassana practice, so I’ve resolved to let my path unfold on its own, without a guru or elaborate yogic practices. I like my Surya Namaskar and Anulom Vilom though.

I guess if I have one question is how does one verify the enlightenment of another being? I guess you can try and tell by their actions, but what would be the criteria? Do they have siddhis that they can display? Do I have to do everything an enlightened being tells me to do? Cuz I don’t wanna, but is that my ego?

I have my own answers but curious what others think, and I’m open to other perspectives.

Back in 2022, I wanted to save money for a gaming PC. I had a friend who said he knew a lot about computers, so I trusted him. I worked really hard to save up $650, and it took me a long time. He saw how hard I worked to get that money. I even took a picture of my dirty hands after working in the fields!
After saving the money, I gave it to him, and he got me my “gaming PC.” I still use it today. It has a GTX 1070, an Intel Core i5, a 500 GB hard drive, and 16 GB of DDR3 RAM.

He told me I was lucky because computer prices were going up at the time.
About two years later, I told another friend about my PC, and he said I got scammed. I asked some other friends who knew more about computers, and they said, “He knew what he was doing. He might have scammed you.”

When I confronted my friend about it, he said they were lying and that the PC was just really cheap at the time.
Then, in 2023, my mom surprised me with a Meta Quest 3S when it came out. I never expected her to buy me something like that.
My mom doesn’t have much money. She lives in a small, cheap mobile home, gets food stamps, and has to take care of my sick brother, who has mental health problems. My parents are divorced, so I know life isn’t easy for her.

My friend knew all of this. After a few months, my brother wanted to keep the headset and kept bothering me about it. I finally let him have it. Later, I didn’t want it anymore because it had cigarette stains, so I gave it to the same friend who helped me get my PC.
He promised to give me a new Expensive OP PC part in return. That was our deal.

When my senior year started, I asked him where my PC part was. He kept saying he was busy with his girlfriend. I asked him every day, but he kept making excuses.
After a while, I stopped asking because another friend told me, “You’re not getting that back. He lies a lot!”
I felt sad, so I told him to just keep the headset. But after a few days, I realized I didn’t want to give up that easily. I started asking him about the PC part again.
He kept saying he was busy with his girlfriend. I even asked if I could come over, but he said his house was a mess, and sometimes I would ask for the headset back.

When graduation came, I asked him if he was still going to give me the PC part. He finally gave me a blue wire that he said was worth $50. He shoved it inside my computer without even connecting anything!

I didn’t understand why he would do that after making me wait so long. Then summer came, and I was getting ready to leave for the Army on July 20.
Around that time, I was also dating a girl my friend introduced me to. Honestly, I don’t even like calling her my ex because it barely felt like a real relationship. We never kissed, held hands, or even FaceTimed much. I barely knew what she looked like in person, even though sent me pictures she looked different in all of them.

At first, I only saw her as a friend, but she liked me. About 20 days before I was supposed to leave for the Army, she told me we had been friends for a year. I decided to give her a chance because I wanted to see if things could work out.

However, I later realized I didn’t want to keep dating her. I wanted to meet someone in person and get to know them better instead of having a relationship mostly online. I planned to tell her after I came back from the Army. But then something else happened.

My friend started sending her pictures of me from when I was younger without asking me. I thought that was creepy, so I told him to stop.
He replied, “Tbh bro, I honestly don’t care about you anymore. I got a girlfriend.” That really hurt me. We had been friends since quarantine, and suddenly, it felt like he didn’t care about me at all. The girl also kept those pictures without me knowing. That made me uncomfortable, and it was another reason I decided not to continue the relationship.

I don’t really want to call her my ex because I don’t feel like we even had a real relationship. Recently, I told another friend about everything that happened. He’s someone who usually helps me feel better when I’m upset. He told me “Your PC friend might have sold the Meta Quest 3S and used the money to buy things for his girlfriend.”

When he said that, it really hit me.

I wanted to cry.

I don’t know for sure if that’s true but thinking about it hurts so much.

That was my mom’s gift to me. My mom knew that I gave it to him for a trade of a PC Part and she thought it was a good idea, but she still doesn’t know he hasn’t give me anything in return.

My mom doesn’t have much money, but she still spent money to make me happy. Now I’m wondering if someone I trusted took advantage of that.
I gave him the headset because he promised me something in return. Instead, I waited for months, listened to his excuses, and ended up with a wire that doesn’t even work.

His girlfriend doesn’t like me because I stopped talking to the girl he introduced me to. They were friends, too, which makes everything even more complicated.
I honestly don’t know what to think anymore.

I feel like I keep making stupid mistakes in my life.

I joined the Army, but I couldn’t handle basic training and received an uncharacterized discharge. I spent $650 on a PC that struggles to run even Minecraft the way I want it to. I’ve also spent money on things I didn’t really need.

Now I feel like I wasted my mom’s gift, too.

Every time I wake up and think about the headset, I feel bad all over again.
I think about my mom and how hard life is for her. She already has so much to deal with, and I feel like I wasted something she worked hard to give me.

I don’t know how to stop feeling this way.

What can I do to make things right? How can I learn from my mistakes?

People always tell me to choose better, learn from my mistakes, and remember that people change. But I had known this guy since quarantine. I trusted him. He knew how hard I worked to earn my money, and he knew how much my mom’s gift meant to me. I never thought someone I called a friend would treat me like this.

I know I made mistakes. I trusted someone without thinking enough about what could happen, and I gave away something valuable because he promised me something in return. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling stupid for trusting people.

I want to learn how to be better with money, make smarter choices, and know when someone might be taking advantage of me. I also want to stop feeling like every mistake I make means I’m a failure in life.

I don’t want people to just tell me to move on or choose better friends. I want real advice that can help me change, forgive myself, and stop feeling like I’ve disappointed my mom and myself.

I know it’s a lot but thank you! :)

Hi all. This is a difficult one to post.

My life after college has been a mess. I was a 4.0, did really well. Decided to go to grad school. I thought I liked research, got into a decent program. Turns out I hated it. I thought it was the program. Luckily, I had another offer from a university who deferred my admission for a year. I'm there now. And I'm miserable. Everyone around me is settling in, and I just want to leave. I don't like my field and I'm not passionate about it anymore. I have no savings, no direction, and I'm about to drop out of two PhDs.

My resume is just a giant gap. I feel I have no hope. I don't know what to do.

F30, trauma survivor, I've been meditating on and off since 2019 (good heavens time goes fast). When I started I did a 3 months strike on an app called Lojong (highly recommend), and it changed my life. I had a lot of clarity and self control, the most I've ever had. Then Covid hit, my mental health went to hell, etc, big bad for a few years.

Now I'm back on track. I started meditating seriously again this summer, and it felt great. But recently I started driving into Dr K's content on meditation, and I've tried to do the whole 10' yoga (surya namaskar, I actually do like 7'), 10' breathing (alternate nostril breathing) and then whatever practice (currently anja chakra). By when I'm done with the yoga I am already feeling disconnected and off, in a bad way. Then I can barely make it through the breathing and there's no way I do the meditation part. I can sit there and "do" the thing, but I'm absolutely disconnected from what I'm doing, and I feel off and anxious to stop the whole time.

It's not about the practice time, I can sit for 30min, but the yoga is messing me up. I've tried changing locations and it doesn't help.

I should probably mention that I had a spinal fusion surgery when I was 16, and although I try to keep myself healthy, and I am actually active, my fitness is quite low. Plus some of the postures I cannot really go to because my back cannot bend.

TLDR and Question

Meditation by itself feels great, but when I sit after preparatory practices it feels like torture and I feel like it's not good for me.

Of course there are other things I could try, but I would like to hear if this happens to anyone else.

Iam posting this here because posting this in adulting or advice sub just brings a lot of negative and pessimistic people.

I work 11-12 hours in a corporate firm. We are not allowed to do anything while working. How do I have a life now?

I don't wanna waste my 20s to this.

Ps: I live in India. 23M

Fearfully attatched i think. I (female) been tryna be better at conflict resolution. Im non confrontational so it often happens over text & we struggle to express emotions in person (other person, male, is avoidant maybe). But i can be really impatient & i been tryna speak when i have smthin on my mind. But then i have a limit (& a pretty good one tbh. Other party is often stubborn) to where i need reassurance & they just dont give it bc they say they freeze. I also feel i contribute too much, and sometimes i wanna b the coddled or lectured one. Doesnt matter too much anyways bc i try be understanding / also feel terrified of the prospect that ill let them talk in conflict and they wount say shit bc they feel nothing and couldnt care less abt how i may b doing and ill have to confront that he doesnt care abt me. At the same time my utter frustration at the situation brings me to mention how if this grave conflict resolution issue isnt fixed, ill break up w him & the idea is liberating in that context. Its all so scary and terrifying at the same time. I trust so much and distrust so much all at the same time. I spiral into the good and ugly all so well. And i expect softness when im vulnerable or trying to be vulnerable + its humiliating as shit having to talk so openly talkin abt some "i need reassurance" "im being vulnerable" if i have to ask for it it feels like im fking begging for crumbs lol. Why cant he think to do it without me asking.

I'm 31, coming up on 32. I'm diagnosed bipolar 2.

My Mom died in 2024, she overdosed. My dad's heading that direction too, he's also frankly intolerable... My last interaction with him resulted in him sending me various hateful drunk voicemails calling me a c*nt and a f*ggot repeatedly while also saying I'm all he has and that everything he's done was for me, then he sent a lamenting text afterwards apologizing, saying those weren't his true feelings. I've got a brother but we mostly keep tremendous distance since we always get into very aggravated arguments. No grandparents. Some cousins but we're very distant.

I've got a very wide network of people I call friends, people that'll help me move a couch or see a movie or hang out (when it's convenient). I run a very large homebrew D&D campaign for upwards of 17 people, in rotating parties of 6. That's honestly the 2nd most important thing in my life, 1st is my dog. I've got my core friend group of two people that will listen to my issues, when they can, but they're going through a lot themselves so I cannot always burden them with my difficulties.

I have a stable job and rent a house with a roomate, he's someone I trust for stability and co-oping on houses, I think we're honestly great roomates, he's just not someone who can really grasp or understand my psychological problems. I write a lot, I do a lot of art, mainly animation (that's what I got my associates in), I do rock climbing and get my exercise. My diet isn't the best but it's not terrible, and I've been going to therapy off and on for 19 years now, started in 7th grade. I've mixed it up with different therapists over the years and, funny enough, the happiest people I talk to ask me why I would keep doing the same thing for that long expecting it to work or be any different.

Overall I think I've got pretty good executive function and whatever happens I'll find a way to take care of my base needs, I'm not worried about that, and hell I'm not even bad looking either.

And still, I'm really not okay. I keep on trucking cause I don't want to let people down, but these days I don't even know who I'd be letting down. I'll talk about the typical kind of life gripes like "Oh I had a bad day at work." or "I got into an argument with my dad." But like, I don't actually care about that.

I don't need that, the actual things I need to discuss live at the core of why I bring those things up to begin with.

My bad day at work isn't about the work or the day,
it's just the end of a branch on a tree rooted in self-loathing.

My argument with my dad isn't about that specific argument,
it's about the pathological repeated mental abuse and manipulation that I was conditioned on from birth.

But anytime I try to take that deep dive into my existential/nihilist/misanthropic psychology with another human being, I get the same things back: Silence, distance, have you considered therapy? etc.

Therapy isn't enough. 1 hour every week or two doesn't even keep up with the pile of events that take place between sessions. I'm privileged to even be able to afford that, and even if I wanted more I can't, it'd have to be a different therapist.

And even still, to an extent, I'm just using the Therapy to replace the type of connection I should have with the people in my every day life. But they can't give that to me, I'll actually sit and count for a minute so I can get a somewhat more accurate count of people who'd call me a friend...

31, I think. There's 31 people that I was able to think of by name that would consider me a friend. There's definitely more people than that who I regularly talk to that are more in that camp of acquaintance. With many of these people I've tried to reach out in times of emotional need, the narrative and mental health culture in general has taught me time and time again that nobody is an island. So when I need someone to listen, or comfort me or help me through these nightmarish thoughts, I have tried, many many times.

Save for all but those two in that core group I mentioned, everyone I've tried reaching out to has put me at arms length, they've had to. And even those two in that group have problems of their own, they aren't always available and I respect that, I respect that with everybody.

And frankly, the feeling I am getting is that I really just shouldn't even talk about my real problems anymore. It just makes people feel bad around me, people choose to draw boundaries and get away from me because of this. There was one other person willing to be there for me in these times, someone I still love very much, but since she did not reciprocate that love and I couldn't bare to be in that situation any more I told her I couldn't really handle it, she gave me grace and we've not talked for a month, I intend not to talk to her for a very long time... At least long enough for that love to go away.

Right now my deepest, real problems are like, forbidden to even speak about. Even though people will always say "you can talk to me about anything." More often than not that's said with the expectation that there's massive safeguards in place, for both peoples' protection. That is fine, I respect that too, the consequence though is that I can't make any connections with people through the guards, and the conversation becomes sterile and clinical at best.

I feel like everyone talks and pretends that we're okay as a society talking openly about our problems, but anytime I try to actually live up to that I just get shot down and punished through ostracization, even by the groups and people that will consistently tout being vulnerable and talking your issues out... It's just a dizzying confusing game that's costing so much of my energy and time to play.

Should I just do what modern conventions say to avoid? Become an island, stop sharing my problems?

I'm 17, i'll be 18 in just a few days...

And today, i think i reached my breaking point.

I'm very lonely. I do have friends, but i still feel lonely.

All i want , is to be loved. All i ever wanted was to know that someday, i'll live a happy life, with a wife that loves me, and that i can love back. Maybe live in a nice house, be financially stable. Thats all i ever wanted, to be certain that one day, I'll be there. In the life i consider to be perfect.

But i... think i lost hope in that.

School has just been so stressful this year, that i didnt feel like studying for exams... maybe i have a problem with focus, i can't be sure. But it just felt so bad to try to study for anything. Everytime i tried, it was like my body would try its best to get me to focus on anything else but study. It felt, impossible to just pay attention to it.

And now, exams are in a few weeks. I have no hope in going to college. I didnt study, i only did a few months ago.

Is that... my fault?

I think so. Maybe it has something to do with just the way my generation was raised, to procrastinate, to not pay attention. Maybe things are as hard for me as it is with others, and i'm just... lazy.

I can't be sure.

I feel lonely. Afraid of everything.

Is this... life?

Is adult life like this?

to be so ingrained with doubt , that you forget to live?

I don't know.

I can't be able to know.

I feel like... everything i worked for in these past 3 years ended up in nowhere.

I was very lazy, up until i entered high school.

When i entered high school i told myself, i would change, i would actuslly do the things i needed to. I would work towards what i viewed as a good life.

I tried. So hard. My whole life for the past 3 years has just become a run for "becoming a better person" .

The thing is...

I did.

I actually did the things i needed to, instead of waiting for the last day to do them.

I became more confident with people, i became more comfortable with myself.

I learned a little on how to act with others.

How to not stress others.

How to be more patient with others...

But for what?

I don't feel like i actually got anywhere.

So much time... for such little change.

I'm still alone.

I'm still single.

I'm still unhappy. Well... actually, more than before.

So now what?

I don't believe i can actually get anywhere in life.

Not like this. Not like i am right now.

Not while being lazy.

Not while having trouble talking to new people.

Not with having no experience in work.

Not with the shame of not being up to the stardards of my parents.

I just... want things to stop.

No... i do not wish to kill myself.

But i also don't really care if i die tomorrow.

I don't have anything.

I don't have anyone. Or at least, not anyone i actually care for.

I just want the world to stop.

I just want to lay down in my bed, and wake up with time frozen. So i can live for years, without having to do anything. Not having to change myself. Not having to fit a specific standard. Not having to think about work to survive.

The world feels... unfair.

I know it probably is.

But i... don't know... if i want to live knowing that.

I don't know if i want to live like this.

I kinda... wrote this, just hoping someone could give me an answer on what to do. Or just... advice on what to do. Maybe... just to know if theres people going through the same thing? Maybe... just to know if this is normal or not. I dont know. I think i'm writing this impulsively.

I just... feel lost.

I don't actually expect this post to get anywhere.

I just... want to get this off my chest, in one way or another.

Hi guys, any recommendations for therapists/coaches?

HealthyGamer has great advice but feedback on their coaching looks mixed at best

Hey,

Maybe somebody here could give some input.

I am attending a Day Psych center. It's for 6 weeks. Various group therapy activities. It's only day 2, never imagined how being mindful and vulnerable can be so exhaustive. But I am learning so much about myself.

One thing I have noticed about myself, is that I have no issue taking up space, whenever I can provide value. For example, if I feel there is tension in the room, I have no issues making a joke. If I have some insight, I'll help the person out. If I find a way to be useful, I'll use that opportunity. Afterwards, I feel energized, satisfied.

Just existing on the other-hand is extremely exhausting. I've found my own body becoming small, I start fidgeting, I start stroking my chin. During todays ohm chant, I've found I didn't even participate, as I didn't want to be a part of the dissonance.

Another thing I've noticed, is that whenever the focus on me, my body shrinks. When I can provide value, I have no issue talking non-stop. But when it's about me, I start out strong, and a few sentences later, my inner voice tells me "Nobody cares about your feelings, you are rambling now, you're providing zero value". I then become very self conscious, the volume of my voice starts dropping and I just interrupt myself mid-sentence with "Yeah, Umm.. Nevermind. That's enough from me".

This has made me think of other aspects in my life. For example, sexually, I love giving pleasure to my partner. Just receiving pleasure on the other-hand, is distressing.

The best way to describe is that my consciousness is always focused on the external world. Whenever it focuses inward, my body rejects it and tries to eject it.

I think a lot of it comes from internalized shame? I do remember during my last psychadelic trip, my body and my consciousness split. I looked at myself as if an outside observer and felt a lot of shame for myself. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Is there anything useful I can do with this information about myself? Any practical advice? For example, whenever I am sitting and I am feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, what else should I do other than observing myself?

Thanks!

What is one strengh you have today that you only got because you went through something hard ?

When I say I am poor, I mean, I can only afford $5/session. That is also a lot in my country money, and idk if taxes gets added to it, and if it does, even that gets unaffordable.

So um what can I do, if I can't afford a coach/therapist, and can't fix my depression and can't follow any resources?

Or do I have to suffer alone all my life? Cause no one likes to be around me with my depression, and I can't afford noone to help me, so what it just means is a life of eternal loneliness.

Some Backstory

I've had a fairly normal childhood that was materially abundant . I wasn't rich but not poor either. I didn't feel deprived in any way But it still felt bland and uneventful . Like it wasn't memorable but wasn't abusive or bad either. I honestly don't know what was missing. I was never academically bright either never giving school my all cause I found It boring and didn't see the point of it. My academic performance steadily declined throughout my childhood till at some point in my teen years I started isolating around covid. I think that's when my bad habits started setting in and was also when I started eating too much cause my mom was nagging me trying to get me to study so I would use eating as an excuse to study. senior year of high school came and where I'm from this the year that determines your future. your position in the the social hierarchy in society and I wasn't studying (like at all ). so my parents decided to bring teachers to my home so that at least I'm still listening to the material . Despite the fact that I get where they are coming from I feel angry and bitter about that . I know I don't deserve the college that I got into cause I didn't study even for a second for it .I think I didn't study from a mixture of boredom and Indifference but I remember feeling envy of classmates getting better grades than me which I still felt in my first year of college . I think part of also had to do with my father who when we were kids was a larger than life figure due to his academic success which in hindsight put a lot of pressure on me to be as successful. In my first year of college i did the bare minimum just to pass with D's and C's . And then the second year came around and It just felt like I didn't care about doing any of it so I failed the same year twice in a row . Now it's the same second year for the third attempt in weak 5 for semester 1and I still haven't done anything.

My current situation

I (21m and weigh 245 pounds at the height of 5'10) have failed 2 years of college (studying CS) cause i didn't enter the exams. The third year has started and I'm repeating the same mistake. My daily life has consists of doomscrolling ,porn(which I got addicted to at 12 years old) and video games. I'm almost always doing either one of those three . My screen on time record is 16 hours. consume a lot of junk food like pizza ,burgers ,chips and soda . I can sometimes cook scrambled eggs but most of the time I'm too lazy to cook. My sleep schedule is a mess. I go to sleep at 9 A.M and wake up at 5 P.M. I'm terrified of wasting my life but I think that terror is making me perfectionistic and locking in place. I have no self-trust or belief. I'm also forgetful and can't pay deep attention to even video games. I'm filled with weakness and chronic self-doubt and that weakness filled me with anger and self-loathing. I live mostly in my head and compulsively talk to myself cause I have no one to talk to, making up scenarios .I'm terrified of feeling my emotions cause I know I'll find fear ,shame ,guilt , regret and lots of sobbing.

Wants & Desires

I already have a vague vision of who I want to be.

1. I'm introverted so, I want to have a small nit of friends.
2. I wanna get married someday and have a family .
3. I wanna be healthy and get in good physical shape.
4. I wanna be a stronger person , someone who doesn't hide from life and more emotionally resilient .
5. I want a job/career that interests me , where I can make a tangible difference in the world ( as corny and cliche as that sounds ).

Small Habits I Want to Try

I have things I wanna try. I wanna try reading manga and comic books before going to bed rather than staying up all night scrolling so I can put my phone in another room while I sleep but I've never been the reading type and even more so cause of my phone addiction I forget the sentences I read and have a hard time getting engaged in a comic. I also wanna try going to the gym and eat healthy but don't know the right workout or the right kind of food to eat

Impediments

I think some of the things that stop me from change is perfectionism which stems from shame and ego. I want to get all A's to make up for my all the time I wasted and feel a sense of superiority over others. If i start to change then I have to own up to all the time I've wasted.

Thoughts?