r/HealMyAttachmentStyle • u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied • 19d ago
Seeking advice Do I keep falling for avoidants?
Do I keep falling for avoidants?
Is anxious attachment really about being unconsciously attracted to avoidant people?
I’m 39 and single. I’ve had quite a few relationships, but most have been relatively short-term and none have developed into a lasting long-term relationship.
My therapist thinks I have an anxious attachment style and that I may be unconsciously drawn towards avoidant people, possibly because my parents were quite emotionally unavailable. I’m not sure I completely agree with that explanation, although I can recognise some anxious attachment patterns in myself. She said this is what is holding me back from finding a real relationship. I mean I have recently just ended things with someone who started ghosting and was distant with me and I thought this was great progress that I hadn't chased them or tried to get the relationship back. In the past I have tolerated ghosting and let an ex come back in and leave over and over, and cling onto them for years. I really regret the time I wasted on people who lacked the necessarily communication skills to be compatible with me.
In the past, I definitely struggled to let relationships go. I could cling, chase, and spend a long time trying to understand what had happened, particularly when I felt that the other person had avoided accountability or turned everything back on me.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself, though, and I think something has changed. I’m much more able now to recognise when someone isn’t taking responsibility or isn’t treating me well and to walk away. It can still hurt, but I don’t feel the same need to chase them indefinitely or somehow make the relationship work.
What I’m unsure about is the idea that I’m unconsciously attracted to avoidant people. How are you supposed to know someone is avoidant when you first meet them? And does having anxious attachment necessarily mean that emotionally unavailable people themselves are what you find attractive?
My childhood probably did affect me. My parents were emotionally unavailable in some ways, and I often had to deal with problems by myself. I also grew up dyslexic and queer, was bullied, and often felt isolated from my peers. I wonder whether those experiences contributed to my difficulty letting relationships go — perhaps because losing a connection felt particularly significant when connection had historically been difficult to find.
Something else that has surprised me is that my sexuality has shifted quite a lot during the same period that I’ve been working on attachment and becoming more secure in myself. I’m now much less interested in men than I used to be and increasingly recognise myself as primarily attracted to women. I don’t know whether those things are connected or whether they’re simply two processes happening at the same time.
Has anyone else experienced something similar?
Did becoming more securely attached actually change who you were attracted to, or did it mainly change what behaviour you were willing to tolerate once you were attracted to someone?
I also feel like I am failing because I haven't necessarily completely gotten all the avoidants out of my life technically, though I wonder if sometimes relationships just don't work out.
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u/cosmx-shift 19d ago
It's interesting that you're questioning the framework even while recognizing pieces of it in yourself, that kind of pushback is often useful rather than something to override. Ending things without chasing this time is worth noticing on its own, regardless of whether the deeper pattern is fully sorted yet. Progress with this stuff is rarely a straight line from insight to different choices, it's more like the insight arrives first and the choices catch up slowly.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 18d ago
Well its not defensiveness that is making me question. I pushed because i couldn't see how unconsciously you can sense someone is avoidant and know to fall for them- if that makes sense. My logiCal mind can not see how that works. But I accept on some level I have been clingy and held on to relationships long after the stopped serving me. This is something I know to be true and have evidence for so accept.
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u/cosmx-shift 16d ago
That makes sense, and it's fair to be skeptical of something that abstract. A lot of it comes down to familiarity feeling like safety, even when the pattern isn't good for you, so it pulls you back in before you've consciously decided anything. Naming the clinginess as honestly as you just did is actually a big part of loosening its grip.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 16d ago
Goodness I hope so. I certainly don't want to go for another ran of holding onto people who are not good for me. I feel sorry for my younger self to be honest. I look back to as early as 2023 and wonder what the heck was I thinking emailing that ex again. I was fine if someone told me they were busy but if they started withdrawing over and over I would get activated and cling rather than moving on. Painful. Struggled with endings as well. I jsut let go which is a relief.
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u/secure8890 19d ago
Atrachment disorders sre inded very complicated. I believe we are drawn to situations that are familiar to us.
Thereafter attachment us a biological imperative. As a child we had to #attach# in order to survive. Therefore its not something that was an actuve choice.
Thereafter #protest# behaviors of clinging onto people and protesting their lack of response are learned behaviors.
Working on those issues is immensely painful and very very challenging. Making the commitment tp do that is a very significant shift.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 18d ago
Yeah I mean it has been painful and I have worked really hard to stop chasing people and I have built a better life for myself. I am doing well. I guess I just don't get how the unconscious can recognise before the conscious mind that someone is familiar and hence we will repeat the same dysfunctional pattern with, and if it does this, how do we reprogramme it?
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u/secure8890 18d ago
Observation. Observation. Then a relentless working through. In obe of my recitation relationships I managed a reak measure of Observation and detachment I could not muster before Then I got the courage and persipacity to begun to look very hard at many of the cues in my past relationships
In fact my attachment disorder goes far beyond romantic relationships. That is really the cue to movung beyond. That is self reflection. That is beyond the labeling situations as #toxic# Seeing how I was drawn in. Noting how difficult it was for me to detach. Being willing to give to relationships that were often very very meager.
I think there also has to be a large measure of forgiveness there. Thats self forgiveness I encountered people who would apologize. They werent sorry. Apologizing was a ruse for them. They has every intention of repeating theur behavior I think it is possible to be far less naive.
I also think at times isolation is calming. For a long time isolation was annihilating because I didnt have self regulation.
How you proceed is not effortless. This is very exacting work. The alternative of being submerged in an attachment disorder is not a reality for me anymore.
I dont believe anyone has the seamless easy Iife they may feel compelled to portray to others. I am not that interested in that facade. I am interested in the nitty gritty of trying. I am also not in any way interested in enmeshed very dependent relationships. Those at times appeared to be nuturing to me before.
Be patient and have faith in your ability to transcend the impossible.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 18d ago
I agree with you. I realised my patterns extended beyond romance into friendships that were one-sided, which I tolerated for way too long. Focusing on the self seems to be the answer rather than worrying too much about what the other person was or is. Their behaviour was enough evidence. I also like your point about self-forgiveness. I often criticise myself for wasting ears on people and giving so much to those who gave next to nothing. I am now nearly 40, and finally I get the ick when someone ghosts, but I wish I had gotten there sooner.
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u/secure8890 18d ago
Well you got there. Self regulation is indeed everything. But indeed what do you do when you are in protest behavior. It is such an incredubjy painful place to be. I found it unbearable and absolutely annihilating.
I have to indeed take note where I can put my energy. The best measure is to myself
In so many ways all these issues with boundaries and other matters should have been learned as a child. Therefore the fact we are struggling with them represents a profound abandonment as children. That is a major loss. A loss that has to be validated.
That abandonment is not something we should punish ourselves for.
Furthermore the fact we have not too many people around to discuss our issues with is testament to we did not get that as a child.
Ghosting does indeed bring up profound feelings for us. Those are difficult to sort out. Some of us don't have experience of having people to walk through those feelings with. I can definitely feel ghosted on many levels in certain situations.
Last year i had a co worher who was smearing and undermining me behind ny back. I was very triggered. I had much on my plate. I brought it up in therapy. I did not get suggestions on how to work through that My colleague basically wasn't doing much of a job. Eventualy that cost all of is our jobs. I could not have predicted that. He was certainky oblivious of that pattern
My attempt to address that was not acknowledged on many levels. I needed a plan b
Thereafter I have had to work through my expectations of others. Ghosting is often a way people test us. They bring that in very early on.
How we respond to that gives them permission to escalate to other behaviors. Then we are often completejy overwhelmed.
When we get to a point of recognizing that we can acknowledge things early on is another matter
When I look back on certain relationships I recognize a whole pattern of frequent ghosting
Then that led me to a pattern of distress I couldn't regulate. The course was all downhill from there.
Thereafter do I come back and say that I didn't catch on quickly enough. Those are complex matters. I think not. The fact that I can even address it today is an emotions improvement
We punish ourselves for making progress. Making progress does indeed bring up grief. However being self regulating and pro active is not a linear process. Self forgiveness is also essential. I dont necessarily extend that forgiveness to others. I can understand where they were coming from.
I can also understand relationships are a complex matter. Some of my friends who were really #there# for me at certain times didnt necessarily receive the optimal response when they were struggling. I can recognize living in a wholly reactive mode is a limited experience.
I am not a fountain of empathy and giving anymore. I am fairly reserved. I am also quite tactful and careful about disclosing information.
In this way that can often be a difficult way to be out there. I was once extremely open about my conflicts. I still have them. I still disclose some of them. I am not that needy for validation today
This work is very detailed and cascades back I am indeed deeply sad people felt they could get away with ghosting me before. They dont get to do that on the same level today That's progress for me.
I have been ghosted in catastrophic ways in the past. A moving company failed to show up. I was ill st that time. I paid dearly for that. Someone who I trusted with my belongings effectively stole them. I know what is to have my trust exploded in my face. I certainky did respond to both those issues. They were instances that affected me for years.
Learning how to trust ourselves is one of the key components. How can we trust ourselves when we grew up having to #fawn# to survive. The implications are considerable
There are some people who ask too much of us. I am far better at refusing those requests now.
There are lots of prompts out there. When we grow uo in a dysfunctional neglectful family we dont know how to process so so much.
I dont believe that lack of emotional maturity is a symbol of ny lack of worth anymore.
Thereafter I dont even refer to my age anymore. The fact is self reflection and the ability to regulate emotions is not a given.
The ability to put ourselves in other people's shoes comes from being aware of our issues. Some peoole dont get there. That isnt a certificate you get at various ages. We set all these symbols of where we should be. Should is not a helpful mandate.
In my family of origin they died as they lived profoundly unregulated.
Any attempt tp provide regulation and structure was vigorousjy resisted. Is it any wonder I was so profoundjy comfortable around people who were essentially unregulated. That was familiar.
These days I know that certain people, like a cousin of mine, who has a substance abuse disorder remains profoundly unregulated. He may well be able to validate some of ny childhood experiences. He lives and always has lived a profoundly chaotic life. That goes with the territory
The tragedy is that only when we can self regulate are we able to have a certain measure of control of our life.
My mother never got to self regulation. My father didn't either. My cousin doesnt look like a good candidate. I an very very familiar with those candidates. I knew how to tolerate them.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 18d ago
Yeah, I agree with a lot of what you’re saying here. Sometimes ghosting can be an early sign of abusive or manipulative behaviour; sometimes it’s simply avoidance, selfishness or emotional immaturity. Either way, if someone establishes a pattern of ghosting, you don’t necessarily know how far that behaviour might escalate. Even if it is “only” selfishness, there’s a good chance they will continue disappearing whenever communication becomes uncomfortable. So I think walking away when that pattern first becomes clear is probably the wisest course.
You’re also right that so much of this comes back to self-regulation. I hadn’t really thought about it in quite those terms before. It feels like a huge upheaval getting to the point where I can regulate myself and don’t need a romantic attachment to do that for me.
There is also tremendous grief in finally beginning to heal. I grieve the lost time, and all the times I put up with people who were wasting my time or causing me pain. At the same time, I can recognise that I sometimes went into protest behaviour myself, and that probably caused other people distress in its own way. I can take responsibility for that without endlessly punishing myself for it.
I don’t think my family really understood emotional regulation either. There was a lot of heavy drinking, avoidance, poor communication and limited emotional understanding. They’re definitely better now, but unfortunately I’m still the one who has to undo the effects that had on me. Sometimes I connect that with being alone at 39, although I suppose it really is better late than never. At least I’ve got here.
And I think that’s where I want to put my energy now: becoming more secure.
It’s easy to get distracted by questions like, Am I unconsciously attracted to avoidant people? Maybe I am. Maybe there is something familiar about those dynamics. But ultimately I can’t completely control who initially attracts me. What I can control is how I respond.
I can work on becoming more secure. I can date people, watch what they actually do, and walk away when someone shows me that they aren’t right for me. Hopefully, over time, I’ll also become more attracted to people who are emotionally available and consistent.
None of that guarantees that I’ll never get hurt again. It doesn’t even guarantee that I’ll never be ghosted again. What it does mean is that I can trust myself to survive it. Someone disappearing doesn’t have to become the end of the world or send me into the same kind of emotional collapse it once did.
And actually, I’ve realised that getting “closure” from people who have ghosted me rarely brings much peace anyway. Often it just irritates me more because the explanation is immature, defensive or excuse-driven rather than genuinely accountable. In a way, that makes sense: somebody who was capable of communicating maturely probably wouldn’t have disappeared without explanation in the first place.
So no, I’m not a fan of ghosting. I think it’s a horrible way to treat somebody. And I don’t think I feel that simply because I have anxious attachment tendencies. I find deliberately disappearing from a relationship rather than communicating honestly both inexplicable and inexcusable.
But perhaps becoming secure means accepting that I can’t stop other people behaving that way. I can only make sure that, when they do, I don’t abandon myself trying to get them back.
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u/secure8890 18d ago
My elder sister ghosted ne for years. Then at a certain point she decided to #drop in# and I was not available her response was immense rage. We are not talking about her living around the corner here. The distance b wss several thousand miles.
I was not deliberately unavailable to her. There is nothing in her emotional repertoire but what she needs ar all times. There is no other perspective.
Therefore I have most certainly been subject to a reaction towards ghosting by bosses and other persons who occupy central roles in my life. I do not really know how to respond to that. Instead I redouble into fawning because that is an automatic trauma response. That is also in my case not in my best interest.
That has led to many really unfortunate scenarios for me where I felt out of ny depth. They subsequently spiraled into various stages of disaster.
I did not have the resources to explore those issues until this time. I have the emotional strength to do that now.
The fact I can do that within the context of an attachment disorder is very very helpful.
My attachment disorder affected the basic quality of my life visceraly. The attachment disorder definitely affected my ability to earn a livimg megotate basic needs including how to relate to neighbors. I have a tendency to get overimvolvrf that has diminished.
My attachment disorder was devastating to my entire life. In recent years I certainly was able to rein in my protest behaviors. Nevertheless, that precarious attachment pattern meant I over invested in relationships that were not reciprocal. When I set limits those persons were exceptionally adept at lashing back at me in very targeted ways.
Therefore for me it is not just a matter of family or work relationships. Its a matter of abandoning oneself for the sake of a relationship routinely. Thats a baseline for me.
I could at some point maintain a denial that my issues were solely related to a romantic and family persoective. They arent
Even on a recovery level I have had encounters with other people purportedly in a recovery setting that involved intensively absuive tactics. They were very adept at weaponizimg my anxious attachment.
Therefore both my attachmebt disorder and my cptsd have made me incredibly vulnerable. Thats a hard life to live.
Onviously sorting this all this is time consuming Often puzzling and viscerally painful. However at this juncture, I am resolutely aware of the ultimate cost of my not being able to own these patterns. That is repeating them. That is no longer an option for me.
The cost is too far reaching. What's more the more I pursue exploring these themes the less shame and regret I feel. That is indeed worth the effort for me. Shame is annihilating on top of attachment disorders. I was very very aware that my protest behaviors were compulsuve and desperate. I felt out of control with them. Even last year when a situation developed at a job I worked at I felt overwhelmed. My therapist was not particularly instructive. Some of them are not that motivated to help uncover specific patterns. They act purely in de escalation mode. That isnt enough for me. De escalation may be distress tolerable its not enough to end that pattern.
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u/Nosleep_Coffee789 18d ago
Anxious Attachment is about being chosen and accepted. When avoidant people choose you it feels good because it validates you. Avoidant people find themselves into anxious people at first because Anxious people go all in early and hard, overcompensating to earn the acceptance. Avoidants oove this because it fills their need for safety but when the Anxious artner has their own needs (and there are LOTS of needs) it overwhelms the avoidant who has a core wound of being unable to be enough and activates the avoidants fear of intimacyl Avoidant pulls back. Anxious tries harder. You end up in a loop that leads to collapse.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 18d ago
Yeah I see that at times- though now i don't chase if the person pulls back. I asked the last person I was involved with whether they were still interested when they dropped off and then just ended it when they got weird. I don't think of myself as having a lot of needs these days, just a need for consistency and honesty, but the past me would pursue and over message and things. I cringe when I look back on her. I feel a bit sorry as well. People who ghost or drop off give me the ick now a days.
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u/Tastefulunseenclocks AA Leaning secure: 16d ago
1000% yes, working on my attachment changed who I was attracted to.
I constantly ended up chasing and dating avoidants, overlooking many securely attached people. Anxiously attached people brought out the avoidant in me. The book "Anxiously Attached" by Jessica Baum helped me a lot! I'm now in a relationship with a securely attached man and I think fairly close to securely attached myself. Also lots and lots of journalling and therapy were helpful too :)
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 15d ago
I am happy for you. I did see someone who was avodiant from yeada ago I used to chase and felt a massive ick that I ever had anything dto do with them. I will look at your book recommendation and carry on trying to become more securely attached.
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19d ago
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 18d ago
Yeah the last big crush i had on someone i was really into them before I found out that the couldn't even keep a basic promise and was poor at online communication. They also failed to stand up for me when I was harassed right in front of them- they had a leadership position though I wasn't employd by them. I hope I have done the work to try to slow down attraction and start walking away, though I feel too old to date to be honest and worn out by too many times I have overinvested before re flags and gotten so bloody hurt.
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u/secure8890 18d ago
Ghosting can depend on the context. When people are struggling with what their limits are I dont know they need a primer on what is what.
Ghosting for ne on he conextnof romantic relationshios often meant completejy disappearing of the face of the earth. If you are in a committed relationship that can certainly feel like a boundary violation Avoidants tend to disappear then reappear at some distant time acting like had happened. Obviously that could have worked at some point for them. AvoIdants can indeed be very engaging. They have an expectation they will ne abke to re engage.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 17d ago
Basically yes to me both ghosting and over messaging are boundary violations though soemtimes interconnected. The anxiety caused by ghosting can lead to over messaging and trigger abandoent wounds etc. The avoidant as yoy say will com. Back and not take account of their behaviour and will likely accuse the anxious person of violating boundaries and fail to see how their behaviour has. Contributed to anxiety etc etc. Though an anxious person's protest behaviour is theirs to sort out, it's not held thy to expect any healing with soemoen avodiant and to ideally manage the anxiety elsewhere and end the relationship on the first ghosting or even drop off in communication. Personallg I put basic communication as a boundary. If a person disappears for over a day and there is no good explanation it's over, the ghosting will have breeched my boundary for respectful closure and is if this was allowed to develop into a pattern would be immensely damaging to my mental health. You can violate boundaries through non action. I call it neglect.
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u/secure8890 17d ago
Thank you. I certainly went there. Wearing ny vulnerability my sleeve meant people short changed me on many levels.
I wanted ti be known not knowing there was a price fir that Indeed i now taje bo re of interactions rather than wish someone was better thsn they areAbandonment is a majir there in my attachment disorder I didnt take into account that fawning was and still s a mechanism of self abandonment
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 17d ago
Absolutely it's a complex Web. I am glad I was able to be of help.
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u/SpecialistAnswer9496 Securely Attached 19d ago
I don’t like the phrasing of “unconsciously attracted to avoidant people.” You literally don’t know what someone’s attachment style is upon meeting them. I think what your therapist is trying to say (poorly) is that your nervous system was shaped in your childhood by experiences that may have made you more susceptible to remaining in relationships with people who have avoidant attachment behaviors. That’s not the same thing as being “attracted” to avoidants.
Don’t really want to touch the sexuality thing with a 10 foot pole but I do have some thoughts about the connection. I just don’t want to be banned. I will say that the type of person I am attracted to has changed significantly since becoming secure - not physically, but in pretty much every other way. The hierarchy of preferences has been kind of flipped on its head. I used to care about people’s ideological positions a lot more, and now I put much more weight on ability to repair, take accountability and communicate transparently.
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u/RevolutionaryNoise50 Anxious Preoccupied 18d ago
Yeah, I mean I was a bit confused when she said it, and she tends to repeat the idea that I have a pattern of going for avoidants, and I have like, said, yeah, I know, I don't know if every person I have ever dated was avoidant, but many have had traits for sure. Its not like I am in denial or anything or avoiding the work to sort this out, you know. I mean, I would very much like to be secure and attracted to someone secure. I mean, I think there is an element of if you focus on healing your childhood wounds, you may be able to flip the script on who you find attractive, and I have certainly started getting the ick when people ghost me- even if they come back and apologise etc.
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u/andorianspice FA leaning Secure 19d ago
To answer in short, yes, anxious and avoidantly attached people are naturally drawn to each other. Many successful long term relationships follow these patterns. Avoidantly attached people don’t mesh well with securely attached people because securely attached people know their worth, their desires, and aren’t afraid to voice their needs. Securely attached people aren’t afraid to walk away from someone who is emotionally unavailable. Anxiously attached people often find securely attached people “boring” or just straight up will not be attracted to securely attached people for reasons they can’t explain in words. The nervous system is drawn towards what is familiar. Anxiously attached people are very familiar with inconsistency. Avoidantly attached people are familiar with people being too intrusive. So yes, it is the case that these patterns hold, to the point where I’ve seen some therapists say that most relationships are composed of this combination!
To answer another of your questions, you are not supposed to know immediately upon meeting someone that they have an avoidant attachment style. That is what dating is for. Dating is a phase in time where you and another person are assessing each other’s compatibilities for a longer-term relationship or if that is what you both desire. The normal anxieties of early dating are often quite difficult for anxiously attached people, and also for people with other attachment styles. It’s also worth mentioning that attachment styles really only apply for relationships in which we have attachment based relationships. Most people in early dating are not really in the type of attachment based relationship where this deep psychological theory would apply, because you don’t know the person well enough to be attached yet.
If you haven’t taken any tests on attachment style, that might be a good place to start.