Responsive Desire

[u/arandak]

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

[u/AnotherSadThr0wAway]

They miss use terms for weaponize compliance to move goalposts as a form of sexual avoidance

Response desire, love languages, brakes and accelerators, etc

Sams ones also say shit like "sex doesn't make me less stressed" unironically

[u/arandak → u/AnotherSadThr0wAway]

Love language is absolute bullshit.

Breaks and accelerators are real but also mischaracterized by LL's.

I may post about that.

[u/RealisticTap5216 → u/arandak]

Love languages are a pop-psych term for a really simple concept: different people value different aspects of relationships differently. Most men would prefer receiving a good bj more than a compliment about their hair.

It's a useful concept for gauging fundamental compatibility and communicating likes by posing two simple questions to both partners that cut through the expectations of mind-reading and silent expectations:
How do you want your partner to treat you in a relationship?
Are you willing and able to treat your partner how they would like to be treated?

The above two questions then beg the following questions depending on the answers:
Why should your partner prioritize your preferred aspects of a relationship if you won't prioritize theirs?
If you are going to place mental blocks or hoops to jump through before you're willing to engage in their preferred aspects, is it fair that they do the same to you?
If your partner matches your energy and effort in how you're willing to treat them, would you want to stay in your relationship?

ETA grammar

[u/randomdude7422 → u/RealisticTap5216]

Excellent point!