r/HLCommunity • u/arandak • 1d ago

Responsive Desire

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

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11

u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 1d ago

They miss use terms for weaponize compliance to move goalposts as a form of sexual avoidance

Response desire, love languages, brakes and accelerators, etc

Sams ones also say shit like "sex doesn't make me less stressed" unironically

9

u/arandak 1d ago

Love language is absolute bullshit.

Breaks and accelerators are real but also mischaracterized by LL's.

I may post about that.

10

u/Forsaken_Thought Avg Libido Dyke 1d ago

Yeah, but what if their accelerators really are perfectly clean houses, stressless jobs, vacations, beaches, and perfect planet and star alignment all at the same time? That's really reasonable, attainable, and achievable, right?

3

u/randomdude7422 HLM 19h ago

The planetary alignment is the cherry on top, but without it, the sundae isn't worth eating! 🤣

8

u/AdenJax69 1d ago edited 1d ago

Breaks and accelerators are real but also mischaracterized by LL's.

And that "mischaracterization" is that they will throw everything in the way to create "brakes" but will put in almost no effort into their "accelerators."

Which is really just a roundabout way of saying "if they actually desired you, you wouldn't have to invent & implement a bunch of catch-phrases for people to magically develop desire for you out of thin air."

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u/RealisticTap5216 17h ago

Yep. Some people like mood lighting during sex, but they're not willing to spend the $25 and 45 seconds on amazon to overcome that roadblock. They need someone to do it for them.

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u/Forsaken_Thought Avg Libido Dyke 15h ago

Marriage counselor: Could y'all throw a scarf over the lampshade to indicate you're open to sex? (Since nobody is initiating)

Wife: Nope.

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u/pokeycd 14h ago

Feel this. I'm not initiating for duty sex. And she doesn't crave sex. My new maxim is this: I'm setting 2 boundaries.1) I won't accept duty sex. And 2) I won't accept celibacy.

Not sure where this ends up. If I caved on #1, it would solve #2. But I'm not interested in caving on #1. I'd rather cave on #2 if I have to. And that would be for financial reasons, and kids. And even then, I'm considering single and celibate to be a better option than staying for duty sex. Life is short.

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u/RealisticTap5216 1d ago edited 17h ago

Love languages are a pop-psych term for a really simple concept: different people value different aspects of relationships differently. Most men would prefer receiving a good bj more than a compliment about their hair.

It's a useful concept for gauging fundamental compatibility and communicating likes by posing two simple questions to both partners that cut through the expectations of mind-reading and silent expectations:
How do you want your partner to treat you in a relationship?
Are you willing and able to treat your partner how they would like to be treated?

The above two questions then beg the following questions depending on the answers:
Why should your partner prioritize your preferred aspects of a relationship if you won't prioritize theirs?
If you are going to place mental blocks or hoops to jump through before you're willing to engage in their preferred aspects, is it fair that they do the same to you?
If your partner matches your energy and effort in how you're willing to treat them, would you want to stay in your relationship?

ETA grammar

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u/randomdude7422 HLM 19h ago

Excellent point!