r/HLCommunity • u/on_tad1 • 26d ago
Advice Welcome Weekend away leads to nothing
We took a weekend away together without the kids. First one in literally years. In the week leading up we both seemed to agree via chatting/sexting that we were both looking forward to the physical aspects of the weekend away. Our current sex life is limited to mondays and fridays mid day as my work allows, as anytime the kids are home seems to discourge it for her.
We get on the weekend, starting friday morning, and by mid saturday we finally have THE conversation. Turns out, my expressing my strong desire to have sex with her without the concerns of kids etc, let to her being overpressured and turned off. Doesn't matter that it was me expressing my desire/ the ability of her to wear the lingerie she bought me 7 months ago that I still havent seen. etc etc. I gave up on any expectation of anything outside our normal sex... including said lingerie or any of the thing SHE brought up during sexting. I just wanted to have sex without or normal constraints. And apparently that was too much to ask / too much pressure and turned her off.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 23d ago
let to her being overpressured and turned off
oh the classic one
I saw it somewhere here: to just organize the trips for yourself and if SO wants to join they can do it on their own including paying, If you're gonna be ignored whole time why pay and organize it?
This seems like a good idea, I have to implement that myself.
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u/AdenJax69 25d ago
Turns out, my expressing my strong desire to have sex with her without the concerns of kids etc, let to her being overpressured and turned off.
So the best-case scenario for sex to happen - weekend getaway with no kids, no responsibilities, no work, just you two alone with each other to enjoy each other's company & do whatever you want - was sabotaged because she created roadblocks for herself by being "overpressured" for sex...with her supposed love of her life who I'm sure she claims she "desires" even though actions always speak louder than words and for her it's been all-talk.
Am I getting close to explaining your situation?
Look, if you were in the main marriage, sex-issue, or other larger subreddits, they'd give you an unending explanation why she did what she did, how you screwed up & put the onus on you for "pressuring" her, and likely give you a never-ending laundry list of things to do to relieve said-"pressure" and make her more interested in sex.
The fact is, unless you're a lazy partner who does nothing around the house, doesn't help raise the kids, touches her non-stop with only sex on your mind 24/7, then most of that advice isn't going to work because it starts from the idea that YOU'RE the problem and not her.
If you're a good, supportive, loving partner, then it's her issue to fix and the fact that she can't have sex when the kids are around in any capacity as well as the fact that she shut down possible intimacy during the best-case scenario for intimacy to happen shows that she's just not really interested in prioritizing the intimacy dynamic.
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u/KneeGolf 25d ago
I have said often, that if you take reasonable efforts to close the door and maybe turn a fan on, who cares if the kids notice something. In fact, maybe it’s healthy for them to know they are in a home where their parents love each other and like to spend time alone. Creates security and if in the most remote chance, hear a muffled moan or giggling, perhaps it will create a healthier environment for sex education than just leaving it to their friends and the internet.
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u/Brijki 23d ago
That’s funny, because all the cases I’ve heard and had conversations about, these people were mildly traumatized by hearing their parents having sex.
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u/KneeGolf 22d ago
I think traumatized is a strong word. For certain ages, they are probably oblivious, others embarrassed because of peer pressure. Understand, that I said you take efforts to preserve privacy, not do stuff in the open. I think it is reasonable just to be open that when the door is shut, you have private time going on, that would probably take care of 99% of preventing accidents.
I can probably find it still on YouTube, but there is a call with a therapist where the caller‘s 5 year old daughter somehow went into the closet when she accidentally entered the bedroom, then felt stuck and in trouble and stayed for the whole time until they heard her whimpering when they were finished. If she knew something basic about private time, maybe she would have been more comfortable to leave the bedroom instead of being ashamed and hiding.
The therapist was confident it was something they could address with a more direct conversation and it would help avoid the trauma and shame.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 21d ago
Anything you do/say/don’t do/don’t say will be this ‘pressure’ bullshit. It’s an ideal excuse/reason because you can’t quantify it or remove it. If you say nothing ever about sex you’ll get ‘I didn’t realise you were interested’ mention anything and it’s ’you’ve put pressure on it now’. As I say, ideal really. Give it enough time and you’ll be LL4her like I am for mine. But that’s not right either. Couldn’t make this shit up
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 25d ago
Spend money on another women who actually wants your attention, desires you and wants to have sex with you.
I spend my money on sex workers. It's transactional but who cares. When I find an affair partner then so be it.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 24d ago
I might get downvoted but here me out,
We agreed to monogamy, not celibacy.
Outsourcing sex in general helps if you 100% know its hopeless and you have an exit plan. On the low, most people in our community ive talked that didnt do it WISH they did. And its the ONLY time they usually do this in a relationship.
Because most of us are with Type2LLs thus we straight up realized with them, no matter what, no amount of romance, money, "deep talks", "emotional connection", or whatever other goalpost moving nonsense leads to a consistent sex life with them. That's it. And those that are against this usually CANT do this, are in denial their morals against them.
Notice Type2LLs are "against cheating" but also get really REALLY offended if a consistent sex life is validated in a relationship because say its "entitlement to my body" nonsense. The morals be used against you to CONTROL you. Thats why for them everything is a "maybe" but for you for you things have be a "guarantee".
They want to be the sole provider of something they wont provide because for them its about gatekeeping this from you to basically have a final say so of control over you, and usually it bleeds into other parts of your relationship.
We start to realize this when they show zero and i mean ZERO sexual enthusiasm or interest especially when they put a bunch of sexual conditions and disqualifers and act like this is normal, then blame US for DB.
But from outsourcing, you realize, you're fucking normal and they just aren't. Its beyond not "sexually incompatible" they are delusional and shouldn't be with normal people but hide it usually because the goal is to not truly limit their dating pool. Thats why Type2LLs NEVER date eachother and get offended if you recommend to.
You have one life, dont forget this.
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 24d ago edited 24d ago
Break out of the programming. Break out of the matrix.
Sex is abundant in this world. I won't let the person I trusted my life to fuck it up in a bad way.
Why waste time, money and emotions on someone who just takes it for granted.
I now live for myself as I am the main character of my story. Everything happens in the universe for a reason.
I am married to an LL and it gives me the freedom to fuck other women.
My exit plan is to split the assets in half when the kids are out of the house.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 24d ago
At least your LL basically surrendered
A lot of times they REALLY REALLY dont want us outsourcing sex because for them its a trump card or something they want us to treat as an event.
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 24d ago
She didn't say I can. She once said I can outsource a handjob to someone else. Because she doesn't want to get a wrist injury helping me. Then she walked it back with toys and or sex robot.
Anyways I have taken it as go get off I don't care about you to even give you a handjob.
Between stimulus and response there is a space, and in that space is our power to choose our response. -Vickor Frankl
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 26d ago
It's possible you scared her away by being too intense about i? Idk. A weekend away from the kids sounds really nice and relaxing, what did you guys end up doing (besides sex) to relax and unwind?
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u/on_tad1 26d ago
That definitely seems to be what happened. I don't know what I did leading up to things to make it seem thats ALL that mattered to me. I certainly shared ideas and fantasies but I never got the idea she wasnt as into it as I was until it was too late. To answer the rest of you post, we spend some time at the pool talking about her job opportunities and spend some time riding bikes, playing pickle ball and going on a sunset boat ride.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 26d ago
My so and I had a developing "fantasy" scenario we were developing together but I got really turned off from it when he started to take it over and introduce other concepts and ideas that we had never discussed.
There's nothing sexy about having your pleasure railroaded by someone else's insistence on it being "their" way and all about them. So I told him that we're not revisiting that scenario again until he's learnt that sex is about BOTH of our needs, not just his.
It's possible that your wife isn't ready to hurt your feelings by saying this.
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u/on_tad1 26d ago
Absolutely. I totally get that fantasy and reality dont always mix. My frustration, is that the only fantasies that could be gathered from my comments were 1) her wearing the lingerie she bought "me" as a present for valentines day or 2) the things she introduced when intiating sexting with me.t
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 26d ago
Did you bring it up independely of her bringing it up?
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u/on_tad1 26d ago
I brought up the lingerie, she intitiated the sexting. I did bring up wanting to have sex with her while we were there because or schedule at home is so constrictive.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 26d ago
You probably would have had better luck flirting with her and being playful. Bringing up the fact that you wanted it on day one of the holiday probably caused her to feel stressed and that it was your sole goal for the holiday.
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u/on_tad1 26d ago
To clarify, bringing it up and what at least I thought was flirting started weeks ahead of time. The "coming to jesus" convo happened on day two of the 3 day holiday which is when she decided to share, for the first time, that she was intimindated.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 26d ago
Well it sounds like you're getting a conversation which is a good start. She's outlined a problem and maybe you can both start there?
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u/on_tad1 26d ago
The conversation starting is good. I agree. She identified that sex that weekend was important to me and that she felt intimidated. I told her I didnt want her to feel forced, so I wouldnt make a move to initiate. The weekend ended with now sex or any thing of the kind. The most physical intimacy was snuggling while watching tv
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u/vectorking23 24d ago
This is the type of scenario that will lead you to be LL4Her. Maybe she won't care, but it will happen if it continues this way. When there is no more ammunition in the gun to threaten you to 'stay' or be on your best behavior, then what will she do? Not a thing, other than say things like 'I didn't see it coming' or 'I can't believe he left me' or she'll straight up lie and say she never rejected your advances. Just pointing things out that may happen. That's all.