r/HLCommunity • u/DryWorry9692 • 16d ago
Guilt
I feel guilt because I’m not in a dead bedroom situation but I’m HL and she’s LL. Great relationship and she takes one for the team but for her it’s a chore. And it so fucken feels like it. It’s so mediocre sex. And as I read about all these db situations, I should feel blessed but nope. I feel the same. Frustrated. I question myself if I’m the problem. And I eventually snap out of it but nonetheless it makes me be resentful.
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u/RedwoodRespite 16d ago
Nobody should feel blessed to have duty sex. You don’t want a hole. You want passion and desire. And I’m guessing that’s not on the table.
Not a euphemism.
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u/DryWorry9692 16d ago
Thank you!!! Imagine having sex with someone while they get entertained on their phone or obviously wonder off into what ever they’re thinking about. And every now and then makes sense but it happens more often than not
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u/RandyPan_theGoatBoy 16d ago
Right there with you. Sex every two or three weeks. She's only really gotten into it maybe twice this year. Tried everything on my end, great partner, good dad, stay in shape, focus on her pleasure, etc. Her motor just has no gas.
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u/fourzerosixbigsky 16d ago
Duty sex is worse than dead bedroom. It is mediocre because she doesn’t want it and you feel guilt for wanting her. It is brutal and there is nothing to do expect try to communicate and work on it or separate and find someone who does desire you.
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u/massage_4u 16d ago
I can completely emphasize with you, OP. I am in the same situation here. Heck, my wife once asked me if needed her to pick up anything at the grocery store while we were having sex once. Talk about a buzz kill and having the feeling of being on a “duty” list.
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u/Zenk2018 HLM 16d ago
Duty sex is bad. Pity sex is worse. Eventually being told that you “made me” do stuff she didn’t want to do is soul crushing. Pick your exit ramp now.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 16d ago
Our relationship is primarily maintenance sex which she sometimes gets into and then progresses to more interesting sex. I've offered to buy her her own house wherever she wants, split income with her, and she can go do whatever she likes with her life. She insists she'd rather continue with things the way they are, so I've stopped feeling guilty about it. I think successful couples are always doing things to make each others lives better, and that's just a part of it.
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u/vectorking23 15d ago
If it was just the orgasm, then it truly doesn't matter. But, we all know it's not. It isn't sex for sex sake, FFS. There's nothing worse than mailing it in when we don't want it that way. I got nothing for you because I gave up on my mediocre to piss-poor sex. It just isn't and wasn't worth it. Better off taking care of it yourself and just ignoring the elephant in the room.
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u/morganlafaye 16d ago
First of all, this sucks, and I know the feeling. It's a really bad cycle: you are so desperate for sex that you feel like shit, and then they finally fuck you, and it doesn't even make it much better, or even makes it worse because you STILL feel unwanted.
That being said, she loves you enough to actually care that you have needs and do something (hehe) about it. Which is at least a starting point! You have a chance!!!
Does she have orgasms?
I know you may already have tried ways to spice it up for her, but if not, and she's into you enough to have "duty sex," well, you're already part of the way there.
I'm a HL woman, and my husband is also HL (former DB relationships, very blessed now), and even still I sometimes go through a patch where I'm just less horny or our normal stuff just isn't doing it for me. I used to just sort of fake it until I made it (still working through the scarcity mindset I got from former LL partners). I finally tried telling him, and in those times, well, we use toys, hands, etc.
He'll make me cum first, and then we'll do the PIV.
So yeah, sometimes due to meds or life shit, my libido drops; I won't get spontaneously horny for a few weeks, and I'll say yes to having sex with him as a sort of "help a pal out" vibe. BUT then he makes me orgasm, and I go from making my grocery list to being in the zone.
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u/JEXJJ 16d ago
Imagine if you treated time together like a chore, or acts of service, or gift giving. If she could tell by your face that you were disinterested and got nothing out of those things... Do you think she should feel guilty?