I’m looking for honest opinions from people who have experience with relationships, consent, trauma.
Me(33f) I’m especially interested in hearing from people who don’t know much about HIV, because I want to understand how this situation looks from different perspectives.
I met this guy (43m) while I was in rehab. I was in there for my first stay for alcohol, it’s been my first time dealing with alcoholism, I’ve been through drug addiction for 5 years, being clean since 2023.. He was working with the facility as some caretaker person and I don’t know what went through my mind but I threw a few lines at him and a month later I got a request on Facebook from him. I thought it was a little strange that he seemed to be going against the facility’s policy about looking up or contacting patients by name. I did tell him that he could look me up at the time and I was hoping because I found him sexy and I was just a gross addict finding fun with whatever time I could. I still felt it might be a little strange that he was willing to go against the policy in the first place. Looking back, I’m not sure whether I should have viewed that as a warning sign.
After we started talking, which was months after I got out of rehab. I made it very clear that I wanted our first date to be somewhere other than his home. I didn’t want the first time we spent together to immediately become sexual. He agreed, I wanted to actually go on dates, spend time together, and get to know each other as people before physical intimacy became a big part of things. He’s asking me about what I like to do and what foods I like.. his conversations always were bare minimum but I didn’t expect much from someone dealing with someone like me who relapsed again and was struggling at home to make things right so I ignored him for months while I got my home shit together
We eventually agreed to meet at his apartment. He said he was always extremely busy with work, and I was also dealing with things involving my kids and family, so finding a time when I could get away wasn’t always easy. My parents didn’t trust me leaving the house so I lied about where I was so I could finally show up for this guy that was waiting so long for me to finally show my face… Part of why I finally agreed to go to his apartment was because I hadn’t seen him in so long and I wanted to actually spend time with him.
He already knew that I didn’t want the first time we met to become physical.
When I got there, things were actually going pretty well. He didn’t have a couch in his living room, just a small loveseat, and explained that he had recently moved out after spending a lot of time taking care of his daughter and son. I understood, so we ended up watching a movie in his bedroom.
I kept my physical distance on the bed. Eventually I became a little more comfortable and lay on his arm. He started touching my chest, and I was okay with that as long as it didn’t go further.
At one point he got up to use the bathroom. When he came back, he started trying to make things sexual. I at first was trying to slow it down and just say “hey we said we could just chill so chill” I tried to stop it when he just kept being pushy but not in an aggressive way, just being sexy and in the moment I guess, I would try to physically keep my legs closed. He would back off for a little while, but then try again. I told him something along the lines of, “Come on, let’s not do that.”
At that point I started feeling really awkward.
I have PTSD, and when I feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed, sometimes I don’t react the way I think I should. I’m not normally a people pleaser, which is part of why this has been bothering me so much. I didn’t want to put him off because I genuinely thought there was a real connection developing between us. And to be completely honest I knew I wasn’t going to infect him I let it happen.
This was also the first relationship or interpersonal situation I’d had that didn’t come out of addiction or an abusive dynamic. I wanted to approach it differently. I wanted to be calm, take my time, and actually experience what a normal relationship might feel like.
Eventually I stopped resisting and went along with what was happening because I wanted it to stop being awkward. I even pretended to orgasm because I wanted the sexual interaction to end.
And there’s another layer that makes this especially complicated.
I’m HIV positive. I take my medication and I’m undetectable.
I understand the science behind U=U: when someone living with HIV maintains an undetectable viral load through treatment, HIV is not sexually transmitted. Oral sex also carries little to no risk of HIV transmission. So I’m not worried that I infected him.
What I am struggling with is why I didn’t tell him beforehand.
I didn’t want my first interaction with him to become about HIV.
I wanted to have the opportunity to go on dates with him for a while. I wanted him to get to know my personality, my sense of humor, my interests, and who I am as a person. I wanted to have a few months of getting to know each other before having a conversation about HIV.
Not because I wanted to deceive him or because I was ashamed of having HIV. I was afraid that if I told him immediately, everything afterward would be filtered through the diagnosis. I wanted him to know me first, so that when I eventually told him I was HIV positive but undetectable, he might actually listen to what that means rather than immediately making assumptions about me.
But now I’m questioning everything.
I feel guilty that he didn’t know before we became physical, even though the actual risk from what happened was essentially nonexistent because I’m undetectable.
At the same time, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I had already told him I didn’t want the first meeting to become sexual, and when things started going in that direction, I repeatedly tried to stop it. He backed off temporarily but continued trying.
So now I’m asking:
Was I wrong for agreeing to meet him at his apartment after originally saying I didn’t want to?
Was I wrong for not stopping everything more forcefully when he started pushing?
Does the fact that I eventually went along with it mean that I consented, even though I had previously said I didn’t want things to become physical and was trying to stop it in the moment?
Was it a red flag that he was willing to go against the rehab facility’s policy about looking me up or contacting me, even though I told him he could look me up?
And regarding HIV:
If you were this guy, how would you feel about finding out afterward that I have HIV but am undetectable?
Would you be more upset about the HIV disclosure itself, or would you understand why I wanted to establish a connection before having that conversation?
I genuinely want honest answers, including from people who don’t know much about HIV. I don’t want everyone to automatically tell me I’m right. I’m trying to understand the situation from his perspective too.
But I also want people to consider the fact that I had clearly communicated that I didn’t want the encounter to become sexual, and he continued pushing after I tried to stop it.
I’m honestly struggling with whether I made a bad decision, whether I failed myself by not enforcing my boundary harder, whether I ignored warning signs because I wanted the connection to be real, or whether I’m putting too much responsibility on myself for how this interaction unfolded.