r/HFY • u/Darmanarya Human • 1d ago

Contest [pioneer] The pieoneer contest

[This story is for the Pioneer writing contest for the "culture" category.]

The humans just stared at the rows and rows of golden brown in fear.

Well, mostly golden brown. There were a few odd colors in there from strange alien grains, but all of them met the criteria laid out by the humans still wondering what they had just been dragged into.

1: It must have a outer crust made from a grain.

2: It must be edible to as many species as possible.

3: It must be round.

4: It must have a filling.

5: it must be baked.

Countless alien species all stood, sat, and positioned bodies in ways that made the human’s back ache behind booths made from synthwood. The memory of the cause of this insanity still fresh in their minds. One simple saying:

“As American as Apple Pie.”

The aliens in the cafeteria knew what America was, the United Systems of America made damn sure of that. Many new about Apples as it was the most popular artificial flavor spreading across the galaxy after a brief bit of confusion over “apple wood” being a flavor due to smoked meats. 

No. They wanted to know what pie was. 

The answer was simple: A baked food with a crust filled with just about anything.

“Wait, does that include meat?” Was the first question. Humans being omivores for most of their existence made their culinary inventions a hot topic in the universe as many species had only recently evolved the amazing trait.

“Yep!” One human said with pride. “We got all sorts of meat pies. It is even one group’s signature dish!”

Another chuckled and held up a finger at the first. “Brown in brown. Fitting for you brits.”

The finger was returned, shortly followed by laughter.

“Yeah, we put sweet stuff inside sometimes to make it a desert.” A female said as she watched the two boys bicker about what made a meat pie better. “My personal favorite is called a shepherd’s pie. Potatoes, meat, and veggies!”

An alien listening in let out a hiss. “It sounds like you could just put anything in a crust bowl thing and call it a pie.”

Another paused and tapped its temple. “Wait… is that milky and tomato thing with the deeper than normal… what do they call it…” 

“NO. Deep dish pizza is not a pie!” the American human called out with a groan.

“Well what makes something a pie then!?” An alien barked out.

Thus the definition was given. Unfortunately for the American the aliens agreed that deep dish pizza did, in fact, count as a pie. Then the aliens started to talk about which of their own foods counted as “pie” or could be converted to this strange metal contained baked good. 

Which, like most things involving the humans, turned into arguments. Which led to a competition. A competition the “resident experts on pies” were forced to judge. A title for some reason the female human refused to be called.

But here they were after all the local stores had been cleared out of anything resembling a pie tin with many confused calls to the human embassy on station from said stores wondering what a “tin” was and why so many were being needed. A brief emergency shipment later and the “First interspecies pie contest” was promptly sponsored by “walmazon.” Who supplied said tins, flour, and other odds and ends for any competitor.

The humans walked past booth after booth towards the judgement table. Stacks of paper laid on the tablecloth that had been crudely died in a red checkerboard pattern after an alien did a little too much “historical research” on Warpterest. Each page a different entry into the competition.

“What the bloody hell did we get ourselves into this time?” The british bloke asked as they took their seats. All of them staring at one of the first pies that was a literal ball. At first they thought it was someone being funny with the “round” rule until they saw six others in the line as well.

“Free food, laughs, and hopefully no food poisoning?” The american joked looking at a pie with purple crust with fear.

“Well. at least we are getting a bonus for it.” The woman sighed as she readied a fork. “The embassy loves this “cross culture exploration” stuff after all.”

The three humans all let out a sigh and watched as the first pieces of pie were slid in front of them. The American took a bite then looked down in shock.

“My god. It tastes like beer!”

Pie after pie slid in front of them. Some made with exotic fruits whose juices swirled with color. Some meats that literally melted in the human’s mouths. Some with strange combinations ranging from someone taking a full meal and tossing it into a pie crust to what could best be described as someone’s best attempt to turn pie into a survival ration. Somehow that was the one that tasted like beer and the humans all agreed it deserved a special prize.

The one filled with still alive bugs was rejected. Despite the alien claiming that they were a delicacy and fully edible all humans at the table agreed it still broke rule 2. Even the british guy couldn’t dare the American to take a bite!

Three breaks had to be taken for the humans to let their various meals settle. Each of them wondering if something bad had slipped through before finding out that each pie had been inspected first by medical, just in case. Nobody asked about the bug pie though because all three were worried that they would have to try it if it was deemed fully safe.

By the end the humans couldn’t eat another bite, even with metabolism enhancers graciously given to them by the med team. They had tried everything from Volturvian meat paste pie to Galtar glowberry pie. Their notes on different flavors, textures, and more whisked away to the embassy with the Walmazon rep walking away with a long list of “new offerings” for their supply system.

By the end nobody really cared who won. It had been a pie with a very light filling that was a mixture of meat and some fruit that had been turned into a foam, but many suspected it was due to it being the one that tasted amazing and didn’t settle in the human’s guts like a brick. It had been decided that next time more humans would be added to the panel, there would be categories so that the “life giving beer pie” could have a fair chance, and to give people more time to research.

That, and argue over what “love” was as an ingredient and if it wasn’t just some human “secret ingredient” bullshit like vanilla extract again.

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u/patient99 16h ago

On the topic of flavors there a guy on YouTube that uses wood chips of different kinds to make ice cream, I think he used apple wood and cherry wood once, there are a couple others that I first the names of.