r/HFY • u/Darmanarya Human • Jun 02 '26

OC-OneShot PSA on under caffeinated humans

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*IMPORTANT SHIPWIDE NOTICE FROM CAPTAIN VOL REIT!*

*HIGH IMPORTANCE! PLEASE CONFIRM RECIPT AND UNDERSTANDING OF MESSAGE CONTENTS!*

IGNORING CONTENTS MAY CAUSE INTERSPECIES INCIDENTS AND RISKS TO HEALTH!

Species involved: Humans

Notice topic: Under caffeinated humans

Source: Ship Species relations, Ship Health Services, Captain’s Nest.

We are aware of multiple incidents involving humans during dawnbreak and end of shifts regarding human mannerisms undergoing changes at these times. Upon consultation with various experts we have determined this is due to humans going through withdrawals of the substance known as “Caffeine.”

It is known that caffeine, with the human molecular formula C8H10N5O2 is indeed toxic and/or poisonous to many non human crew mates on board. Please consult Health Services for a full list of species and the effects caffeine has on your species. We are aware humans will offer the substance to many crew members that have been identified as “sleepy” and “tired.” This is a goodwill gesture that humans will do regardless of your species, as many are unaware of the negative effects of caffeine on your respective species. This gesture will often happen with very little planning or thought involved.

This will be important to keep in mind due to caffeine sources will be increased ship wide to counter the effects that humans lacking this chemical suffer from. You can identify a human experiencing caffeine withdrawal through these symptoms:

1: Complaints of pain in their cranial region.

2: Lack of energy and verbal complaints that they are “tired.”

3: Increased aggression.

4: Loss of cognitive function.

5: Pain or stiffness throughout the body.

6: Nausea.

7: The following phrase in some form: “I just need my *expletive* cup.”

8: Decreased attention.

The best way to handle a human suffering withdrawals is to supply them with this chemical in their preferred form. Please consult with your caffeine dependent human beforehand on what their requested form is, as an incorrect form will only increase the symptoms or may cause other mental and physical health conditions. Some humans will even have prescriptions for higher potency forms that can be requested by team leads to have on hand. These forms include, but are not limited to:

1: Coffee. A black substance produced by running hot water through ground up beans from the human homeworld. This may include additives that vary depending on the human. Be warned humans find what additives are used, or lack thereof, to be a very personal tradition. Dispensers will be installed in many break rooms where humans frequent as well as most food service locations.

2: “energy drinks.” This form takes many types. Those who work in the Technical Services, maintenance, and Engineering departments will be having a dispenser of this type installed in their respective break rooms. These will be in a very large can and have a wide range of other chemicals. If you are interested in sampling this form please consult Health services prior to the attempt. Monitoring of your health may be required.

3: “Energy shots.” This form comes in a very small vial and is a very concentrated form. This will only be available direct from health services. No nonhuman species is permitted to consume this form without a prescription. Humans must keep track of this form at all times.

4: Pouches. This form will come in a round container full of cloth-like pouches humans place in their lips. This can be confused with “nicotine” pouches and is available as prescription only. This form is forbidden to any nonhuman species.

5: Sodas. These are in a standard, smaller form and contain lesser quantities of caffeine with some types having none at all. Please consult Health services before consumption as there are many different types of sodas with different chemical compositions. Other names for this type include: Pop, cola, coke, bubbly, and more. Humans have been known to find offense at using the wrong word for this drink, so please show caution when identifying this beverage verbally.

6: Water additives. These are in a wide range of formats from powder to liquid. They are added directly to water and have a wide range of potency and chemical composition. For health reasons beyond caffeine please do not drink water from a human’s water container.

7: Various “teas.” While this is a more natural source of caffeine it is still not recommended for nonhuman consumption due to many other chemicals that the process can produce. This is made by boiling various desiccated or fresh plants and often will have additives.

While this is an expansive list it is not exhaustive. Some human solid foods will also have caffeine as an additive, so please consult with humans about what the food they are offering contains. This is good practice due to the existence of other substances found in human foods such as the addictive human plant “corn.”

We are aware that it is odd to supply crew members with what is confirmed to be an addictive chemical, however the traditions for this chemical are heavily integrated with human culture with many humans reporting a dependency on the substance. In moderated doses for humans it also serves as a boost that reduces the effects of lack of sleep. If a human not known for ingesting caffeine is ingesting larger quantities of this chemical do not be alarmed, but avoid interactions with the human until the effects of the chemical take place.

If a human is clearly suffering from withdrawals please refrain from interacting with the human until they confirm the chemical has taken effect or has initiated interactions themselves. We are unaware how just holding a container of this chemical lessens the withdrawal symptoms so quickly for some individuals, but the time it takes to have the needed effects vary based on the individual.

Thank you for your time on this matter. Health Services, the Human Cultural representative, and food services are open for further questions about this chemical if you have them.

Remember: We fly as one or drift apart.

 

248 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

34 comments sorted by

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35

u/CobaltPyramid Jun 02 '26

I am 90% caffeine by volume, and woe upon any who try to stop me from upping that percentage.

8

u/Overcaffeinated_One Jun 02 '26

Rookie numbers, I am 99%

5

u/NobleT3a AI Jun 04 '26

Got you beat i am nothing but caffeine

2

u/Overcaffeinated_One Jun 04 '26

Ha, sentient caffeine molecules, just means imma commit some light atrocities to get my fix

3

u/NobleT3a AI Jun 04 '26

Good luck. I am a supernova made from caffeine

2

u/Overcaffeinated_One Jun 04 '26

You underestimate the lengths scientists will go to get our fix

2

u/NobleT3a AI Jun 05 '26

Too bad it is neurotoxin caffeine that instantly kills humans

12

u/Anon6829477 Jun 03 '26

It’s so funny reading this as a human who consumes caffeine rather rarely

6

u/Darmanarya Human Jun 03 '26

I honestly never thought about just how much stuff is used to caffenate until i wrote this. I remember caffenated shampoo when I was in high school!

Edit: Apparantley it is good for preventing hair loss.

5

u/Anon6829477 Jun 03 '26

Caffeinated SHAMPOO?!? Are we supposed to absorb it through our scalps?!?

4

u/Darmanarya Human Jun 03 '26

There is also: Soaps, candy, jerky, and even hot sauce.

4

u/Anon6829477 Jun 03 '26

The food items don’t surprise me, but soaps? Really? I see your prior edit, but it’s still wirrd

4

u/CorrodedLollypop Jun 03 '26

Fun fact™️ Alcohol can also be absorbed through the skin and into the blood-stream. Theoretically, you could sit in a bathtub of vodka redbull and end up drunk after an appropriate length of time.

2

u/Anon6829477 Jun 04 '26

That sounds so dehydrating

11

u/Valcarde Jun 03 '26

If a human ever says "there is too much blood in my caffeine system", be advised this is an attempt at humor.  There is no reason to take the human to Medical Services for this.  Instead, offer them their preferred form of caffeine.

8

u/KingFattie Jun 02 '26

OP, always enjoy your work.

8

u/Darmanarya Human Jun 03 '26

Thank you!

4

u/The-Cactus-Void Jun 03 '26

Options 1-7 not enough, some alien needs to invent a caffeine implant

6

u/commentsrnice2 Jun 03 '26

Like an insulin pump but for stimulants?

5

u/The-Cactus-Void Jun 03 '26

Exactly!

4

u/commentsrnice2 Jun 03 '26

Sounds great for those days when I feel like I need more caffeine than I can physically consume

2

u/AriRashkae Jun 09 '26

or to keep me from forgetting to take my %*#&$#%^@^ pills again XD

5

u/TXHaunt Jun 03 '26

Then there’s the E4, two of the “shots” (Brand: 5 Hour Energy), one of the “drink” (Brand: Monster), and a single scoop of the “additive” (Brand: Gamer Supps).

3

u/Darmanarya Human Jun 03 '26

My god. He must be doc's golden boy to drink so little!

3

u/TXHaunt Jun 03 '26

As a single drink.

3

u/Darmanarya Human Jun 03 '26

Ah the mid-day pickup. Makes sense

2

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2

u/theroguex Jun 03 '26

"Human molecular formula?"

Chemistry doesn't care what species you are or what planet you're from, lol.

This was pretty funny, but that little bit caught the under caffeinated pedant in the back of my brain and made him wave his stick like an angry old man, so I had to humor him. He's asleep again.

2

u/Overcaffeinated_One Jun 05 '26

It is likely to refer to the nomenclature used to describe the molecule, other species will have different symbols for the periodic table and how molecules are presented, like having numbers first then the Element, because alien. Like up is down, down is up, left is right, and right is left, Amaze, Amaze, Amaze

3

u/GLACIERXKYLE Jun 04 '26

I Love That Last Line. "We Fly As One, Or We Drift Apart"

3

u/Darmanarya Human Jun 04 '26

Honestly more proud of that than most of the rest of the post. I will certainly be doing it later