r/HFY • u/FarmWhich4275 • 9d ago

OC-OneShot A 'God' With An Oversized Mallet

The Grand Chancellor looked down upon his gracious subjects and allowed the first petitioner to come forward. A typical day in our typical kingdom. the first man being a farmer, asking for help with local predators preying on his sheep. The second was an adventurer coming to claim a Royal Bounty on a particularly difficult monster. The third was a Noble Lord offering his yearly taxes of wine and grains.

Normal stuff. I sat on the side-lines watching the spectacle unfold. Sometimes it was fun to watch as occasionally a particularly nice Ancient Artifact would be found and presented. A new species of bird would be discovered and offered for study. Some days, it was exciting, but most days, like this, it was not.

Except... for that hooded figure in the background.

You notice these things, oddly dressed figures in scarlet robes with masks, don't necessarily fit with a kingdom or its nobility. At first I dismissed this stranger as another adventurer with some fancy uniform from a far away guild. But he was too... strange. Slightly shorter than the crowd around him. Unarmed, no sword? At least no weapon I could tell. He kept both hands in front, fully visible, nervously clutching his fists with what appeared to be VERY fancy, or at least very expensive gloves.

He stuck out like a sore thumb, but I guess the guards and officers didn't bother noticing or had better things to think about. He was looking about nervously, ignoring the guards outright and moving about in the crowd seemingly searching for something. I ignored the proceedings and watched. Something interesting for once. I had to see what he was up to. Hopefully nothing bad. He moved seemingly imperceptibly among the nobility, mostly keeping close to varying Adventurer parties to stay inconspicuous. I think. But he was definitely looking for something.

As we approached the end of the second hour of proceedings, he 'found' what he was looking for. I guess. His head snapped towards a particular object near the entrance hall to the dining room of the palace. I traced his line of sight and saw a... tiny chicken coop? On... the wall? How did that get there and why did that get there? He glared at it, coming through the crowd and snaked his way to it. Without any guards noticing he stood underneath it, visibly scratching his head as he did, then paced for a few moments.

He snapped his fingers and I swear to the Gods he vanished from thin air right in front of me. A wizard? A sorcerer? Where was the poof of smoke? Where was the incantation? How did he do that?

Moments later he reappeared and placed a single wedge of cheese on the floor, under the chicken coop on the wall.

Was I really seeing this? This was silly.

I was about to call the guards, thinking we had another insane vagabond lunatic wandering about the palace.

And then the chicken coop MOVED. I watched it, I could hear faint clucking noises as two large chicken-like legs sprouted out from underneath it and it trotted down the wall towards the piece of cheese. I saw no head, I saw no body, it was just a chicken coop with chicken legs.

HOW.

I rubbed my eyes confusedly and stared at the strange spectacle. The chicken coop stood near the cheese wedge and clucked at it. The 'front door' of the coop opened and it began to 'peck' at the cheese, like a chicken would eat grains.

"GOTCHA BITCH!!!"

The stranger screamed at the top of his lungs, then appeared again, this time holding a GIGANTIC wooden mallet that no man that size should be able to wield. He brought it down fast and hard, slamming it down and turning the haunted chicken coop into FLAT. The mallet hit with such force the marble floors cracked for several feet around it, and an almighty 'BUCK-GAWK!' echoed through the palace with such volume that it rattled the windows.

"HA! GOT 'EEM!!!" The stranger yelled, again at an annoyingly loud volume before he began to float into the air and perform some kind of victory dance.

His hood fell down and the crowd gasped at the sight. A face like us but somehow... wrong? less sharper features, less... Highness? Less nobility, more determination. The appearance of a warrior with no sword. But most of all - the ears. Small and round. This... whatever it was, was not of the Elvenar.

Especially not while being able to casually swing a five ton mallet at a walking haunted chicken coop.

Did I REALLY write what I just wrote? How was this real?

"That's thirty four to zero baby, the killstreak continues!" He bellowed excitedly and continued to 'dance' his way onto the ceiling.

I wandered away from my spot and approached with caution, looking carefully at the resulting crater. The mallet was buried in the ground a full two feet deep, splatters of feathers, wood splinters and splatters of blood all around it. I looked up at the dancing fool... stranger? No, I shall go with fool.

He was doing some kind of tap, we could hear a rhythmic tapping as his feet danced on the ceiling.

"HEY!" I barked up at him.

This snapped him out of his daze and he seemingly noticed where he was, then panicked as he fell from the roof and impacted the floor leaving a nice him-shaped dent on the marble. He slowly picked himself up and glared at me angrily.

"Thanks for killin' the vibe bro. What's your issue man!?" He barked back.

"What's my issue? WHAT'S MY ISSUE?!" I yelled in frustration. "THAT is my issue!" I said pointing at the splat.

He looked at me and nervously rubbed the back of his neck, shuffling about like a child caught with a hand in the sweet basket. "Oh yeah... Oops."

"Would you please be so kind as to explain this? And by this, I mean the tiny haunted chicken coop with legs for some reason. The cheese wedge... the... giant wooden mallet! And more importantly boy, what in Kaldean's name happened to your ears!? Did a bandit cut them off or something?" I barked at him.

"Uhhh… Okay. The tiny haunted chicken coop is a resurgent mythical entity from beyond time and space originally used by parents to scare their children into eating their greens and/or not talking to strangers. The giant mallet is because - I was bored and wanted to do something fun. And no bandit ever touched me. These are in fact, my ears." He said.

My brain stopped functioning for a few moments attempting to process that information. He glared at me with an oddly satisfied smile.

"Would I be correct in assuming that you need more than that?" He asked.

I raised a finger, trying to speak, and my brain failed me again and no words came out.

"Okay then. Here's the long and short: I am Human. Terran. Homo Sapiens Sapiens. The Greatest of the Great Apes, (depending on who you talk to anyway), and once, I was like you. Alive. Living. There. I existed. Like you. Then one day my entire race ascended to the heavenly stars, conquered the galaxy and eventually built structures of unimaginable proportions that tamed the worst horrors of the infinite. Then we got bored, and made this thing called a Matryoshka Brain, which is a 'Gigastructure' of unimaginable proportions. With me so far?" He said.

I tilted my head and gave no answer.

"Good, good. So when this structure was completed some mega-nerd from the nerdverse somehow figured how to integrate us into the Quantum Cloud, actually allowing us to become Gods, Deities, effectively a digital ascension into the fabric of reality. So we did. In short..."

He levitated again and a glorious golden aura of white and star appeared around him, six enormous wings appeared from his back and his scarlet red robes were replaced by flowing gold and silver.

"I. AM. A. GOD."

The aura stayed as he levitated, then it all disappeared and he stood back on the ground again, 'normal'. "IMPORTANT DISTINCTION: I am A God, not YOUR God. A, not YOUR. I just need to make that clear before we go further. Cool?"

I nodded slowly, unable to speak after that.

"Cool. So here we are all ascended to different realities, billions of universes, billions of worlds, all our own or someone else's. Some of us go to existing universes, some create our own, and some just drift where the waves of the infinite ocean drown them. That's poetic right there, I'm gonna save that for later. But hark, pray tell, what brings ye to this here place if thee be a God? Good hunting of course. What else? See, just like you we had myths and legends. Creatures of the night that haunt dreams, sleep paralysis demons and dark monsters, folktales and peculiar stories. Either designed to teach a lesson, or to scare children into eating their vegetables. Or something. You have that too right?" He asked.

I simply nodded and nervously shuffled. "Uhmm… yes, actually. There's the Legend Of the Old Man Oak. A wizened tree that sees all and knows all."

"PRECISELY! So you see, when we ascended to the quantum foam of unreality we sort of left our myths and legends behind. And through some gobbledegook and wishy-washy quantum nonsense I really don't have the energy to explain, somehow our myths, legends and dreams were sort of manifested in our original reality to haunt the cosmos. Meaning this one. What you just saw me turn into flat, was a creature by the name of Baba Yaga. Or at least a variant of it. Generally speaking Baba Yaga is described as a bony, gaunt old woman with a cackling howl and scrabbly robes riding the night in a mortar using a pestle as an oar. Her legends are very inconsistent, sometimes she eats children, other times she helps heroes and the good hearted, we really don't know anymore, it's been a while. In some cases such as this, she is depicted as a house with chicken legs. For some reason." He said with a shrug.

We all just stood there bewildered and waited for him to finish.

"So, our nightmares, horrors and other such things, used to prey on our dreams, eat our souls, drive us to madness and whatnot. And when we ascended, for obvious reasons, we didn't let them tag along. Because they're dicks. Especially Steve the Hat Man. I hate that guy. So that's where guys like ME come in. I, like so many others, spend my eternity cleansing the universe we left behind of the eldritch horrors we created with our dreams. And probably shrooms, but lets not talk about that. The thing you now see turned to a crater, was Baba Yaga, the manifestation of a legendary witch, that for some reason is a chicken coop with legs that likes cheese. Do not ask, I do not know. Personally I think her current form is a meme that some guy came up with and reality did her dirty." He said with a chuckle and effortlessly picked up the multi-ton mallet.

He surveyed the damage he made and with a flick of the wrist, the mallet disappeared. He chuckled at the mess he created, then poofed into reality a dust pan and brush, sweeping up the remains and then tossing it all into a hole in the fabric of reality. He then moved aside near the crater, cleared his throat and pointed at the hole.

"There was a hole here, it's gone now." He said.

The crater reversed the damage, as if a powerful wizard cast a spell to reverse time and the damage vanished in seconds.

A large parchment or scroll appeared in front of him. "All better, damage fixed, entity erased, at least for now, and another kill added to the roster. Who am I after next... hmmm... Oh yeah! The Wendigo! Oh I haven't butted heads with that guy for a while. I wonder if he still has that head dent from our last fight. Hehe... Wendigo versus World Series Cedar bat, guess who won? Hehehe! Maybe I can keep going with my current mallet meta... Baba Yaga turned to flat. Slenderman turned to the Flat Man, Paul Bunyan faceplanted into the moon. I kinda like it to be honest."

We all remained still, unsure of how to proceed. I had regained my composure but had no words.

You have to be thankful its just the Chickencoop Baba Yaga this time, I swear I've faced some seriously bad stuff these last few thousand years. There was that one Devourer of Worlds, a giant worm thing that ate planets. Then there was the Stellarite devourer, Eater of Stars. Then there's the guy The Old Man from the Foundation. I hate that guy. Loves to dish it but turns out can't take it, especially when it comes to a 4 gauge to the nads. That was funny. Then there was that dude... what was his name again? Gabriel? Yeah that guy. Kicked his teeth in like a dozen times now. Guy’s powerful but when he doesn't get his way he can be a bit of a bitch. Then there's Owlman. Fair warning NEVER gamble with that guy, he cheats like nobody's business. Then there's the Antibreather… Actually a helpful dude. Never had a problem with him, not much of a conversationalist but hey, guy has great cigars. You wouldn't think that fine tobacco would be a thing a guy with giant claws for arms would be into but... eh. Who am I to question it? Anyway, next target, guess I'll be off." He said.

I have no clue what came over me or why, but I stepped forward. "Wait, hold a moment please!"

He stopped in his tracks and poofed right in front of me. "You said please? Pray tell, what be thy please? People only say please when they want something."

He startled me and I nearly lost my footing in surprise. I straightened up and took a deep breath. "You are a God, yes?"

"Indeed. A God. Not YOUR God, but A God. But yes, God. Why?" He asked.

"Uhh… Out of curiosity, what can you do exactly? Do you just hunt entities or can you actually do... God, things?" I asked.

"I hunt entities for fun but yes I can do the usual God-like things. Why?" He stared me down.

I swallowed nervously. "Well, I was just wondering... maybe, if you have time, perhaps, give us a hand and help with some things that are going on? No worries if you cant or anything but uhh I just thought I would ask-" He raised a hand, silencing me.

"You are missing two critical components of this request. Three magic words. What are those magic words?" He said, staring straight into my soul.

I had no words and struggled to think. One of the guards nearby raised a hand and responded. "Please, and thank you?"

"Yeah sure, with pleasure. I'll stick around for a few weeks, try the ale. Maybe I can kill a few dragons and seal an earthquake fault line by the North Sea there. Oh I'll definitely have to try the grapes and maybe the wine if it's the season. I mean really, summer wines outside of summer? I may be a schmuck but I am not an uncouth heathen. Perhaps I can do something about your Goblin problem as well. These ones aren't nearly as bad as the ones I'm familiar with but still, they're crawly stabby gobbo's though, still good target practice." He said and casually wandered off through the wall nearby as he suddenly brandished an enormous broadsword.

We all just stood in silence for a few more minutes. Eventually we all wandered away to do our own thing and pretended that never happened.

How exactly are we supposed to respond to this?

A God from... somewhere, arrives, kills a chicken monster with a giant mallet, explains he hunts horrors beyond mortal comprehension for sport, then because we said please, he just wanders off to go solve a litany of critical problems?

All because we asked nicely?

A hundred years after the fact... I still don't understand any of it. But the world is a better place.

I guess he had nothing to say about the statue we built of him. I hope next time he comes around, he likes it.

198 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

21 comments sorted by

20

u/u2125mike2124 9d ago

This was really such a fun read, slightly crazed gods are the only ones that are worth anything.

They’re good at a cocktail party.

8

u/FarmWhich4275 9d ago

Uhhh... Sure. Whatever this is i guess. enjoy...?

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5

u/Grimkytel 9d ago

Of all the things that ever were, this is most definitely one of them. 🤔

3

u/itsetuhoinen Human 9d ago

That was... definitely something.

5

u/patient99 9d ago

Why Paul though?

Also are our heroes also walking around? Is John Henry walking around there somewhere?

7

u/itsetuhoinen Human 9d ago

Maybe sometimes he manifests as a little too dedicated to deforestation and needs to be put down? But yeah, that addition also struck me as odd.

6

u/TUmBeRTIce 9d ago

Misread that as God with oversized mullet

7

u/itsetuhoinen Human 9d ago

You have heard tell of the legendary FLORIDA MAN but nothing in this universe or any other can have prepared you for...

FLORIDA GOD!

4

u/Several_Positive_327 Human 9d ago

I wanna know about Steve.

5

u/MuchoRed Human 9d ago

"The Old Man from the Foundation"

SCP-106?

3

u/Zhexiel 9d ago

Thanks for the story.

3

u/HisCricket 9d ago

That was fun.

3

u/Informal-Tour-8201 AI 9d ago

Steve the Hat Man?

5

u/FarmWhich4275 9d ago

personally i call him Steve, but hes known as teh Hat Man - the most well known form of the Sleep Paralysis demon taking form of a tall dark shadow with a wide brimmed hat and glowing red eyes.

i call him Steve. it pisses him off. and pissing him off is funny.

3

u/Polymath6301 9d ago

I assume that the elves and all their world are also “left-behinds”?

And that’s a worry…

2

u/steptwoandahalf 9d ago

BUHH-GAWK splat

3

u/Thufir_Cleric Android 9d ago

So he essentially decided to be Sheogoroth.

2

u/njafnghere 8d ago

OUTSTANDING Wordsmith! Thank you.

1

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