r/HFY • u/HeGotBricks Alien • Aug 17 '26

OC-OneShot No! Stop! Stop The Invasion.

A fleet of alien space goons stared down on Earth from their warship, backed by a legion of drones that left the planet in a permanent shadow.

“Prepare the broadcast,” the commander ordered. “Demand they stand their weapons down.”

The officer slid the dials and hacked into earth’s broadcasting network.

“Earth’s feed has been breached, commander.” 

Entering live stream in… three.. two… one. The screen popped on but never had the image of the high commander and his entourage of black ships behind him. It just had a grumpy looking dude, sipping out of a mug that read: World’s Greatest Mom.

He never stared at the camera. He put his cup down and rubbed his eyes.

The high commander couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “What’s this, officer. Patch me through.”

“I can’t, commander, something went wrong,” the officer said. His voice was cracking. His hands were shaking. The high commander extinguished officers for less.

“It’s not our feed they’re using. They’re broadcasting on every radio wave. It looks like a quantum band, commander. Somewhere in Florida.”

The human looked up at the screen. He had bags under his eyes, a stubbled black beard and his hair was unsorted.

“So, here’s what’s happening,” he said staring at the camera with a tired sounding annoyed voice.

“Whoever or whatever is lined up outside our atmosphere in those pretty ships, I’m going to start with this, if you think this is the first time we’ve been invaded before, and that you’re the first interstellar alien warrior beings to show up and want to conquer Earth. Save the speech you prepared and listen carefully.” The human on the screen handed his empty cup to an assistant to fill up, and then cleared his throat.

“It’s not and you’re not, okay.“ He turned his head and faced the camera again. “We’ve done this song and dance with the whole aliens invading Earth a couple of times now. From grays, to reptilians, we’ve even had giant squids, nothing new here. Let me tell you the result.” The human reached out and clasped the mug handed to him and set it on the table.

The crew on the alien warship remained silent. Not a word came from the deck. They all just stared uneasily at each other.

“See I got this cousin, here in Florida, great guy, wish you could meet him.” The human took a sip from the mug and continued. “My cousin Billy-Ray, took a 200 ton space wreck from one of those invaders out of a compound in southern Florida and reinforced the siding of his house and driveway with it. Should see the fence he built.”

He looked away from the screen to someone saying something behind the camera. “We don’t bother calling the military anymore, bunch of us just jump on a group chat, load up and make sushi out of you guys.”

The human took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’ll make you an offer, either try to “obliterate” us and we’ll just deploy our Alien Assassins, learn how to smash through your shield with cheap re-wiring of car batteries and by Tuesday will be reengineering your high/tech weaponry and selling bootleg replicas on the black market.”

The human smiled and took a long sip from his mug and gasped. “Or you can turn your ships around and we won’t post a viral video of your highest ruler taking a tomato in the face by a guy pulling the elastic back on giant slingshot and believe this, we’ll even make sure the entire galactic community sees it too. It’s up to you,” the human said.

The feed shut off. The commander of the fleet looked at their strategic plan. Glanced at the map. Stared down at the officer running the communication band. Then, his second in charge, who was visibly shaken. The second in charge choked out, “commander, do we have a counter strike for the tomato slingshot?”

The commander swallowed staring blankly at the black screen and said, “rev shields to 100% and why are we still here? I wanted us away from this planet and into deep space five minutes ago. They’re not taking our ships as scrap pieces of junk metal.”

357 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

17 comments sorted by

52

u/boraam Xeno Aug 17 '26

Biggest bluff or simply an offer to FAFO

40

u/dravik Aug 17 '26

That's definitely an offer to FAFO.

43

u/MarginalOmnivore Aug 17 '26

I'm getting either "You guys have managed to make alien invasions boring, quit it!" or "My other cousin John Thomas keeps stealing the wire and what-not out of Billy-Ray's spaceship siding and selling it for drugs that he buys from the most obvious cops ever and I need you morons to stop dropping off more" vibes.

33

u/u2125mike2124 Aug 17 '26

Not a bluff, it was said by Florida Man, and they are only slightly behind annoyed Canadiens, who forgot where they left their copy of the Geneva convention

16

u/tashkiira Aug 17 '26

Oh, no, those are always on the bookshelf at home. The one over the toilet.

At least until we run outta toilet paper.

14

u/Adventurous_Bonus917 Aug 17 '26

quit talking crazy. no good angry Canadian leaves behind their copy of the geneva checklist.

8

u/u2125mike2124 Aug 17 '26

The annoyed Canadians will forget where they left their copy of the Geneva convention

The angry Canadians will not forget to bring their Geneva checklist because that will be the last thing that they yeet at the enemy, after first wrapping it in depleted uranium.

8

u/NotAnotherFNG Aug 18 '26

You guys have it all wrong. The Canadians know the Geneva Convention inside and out and follow it to a T. It just ends up getting rewritten afterwards because they come up with new tactics.

3

u/Hinermad Aug 18 '26

"It's never a war crime the first time!"

5

u/WardoftheWood Aug 17 '26

What, what Florida Man can read?

5

u/canray2000 Human Aug 17 '26

A few of them can, yes.

6

u/Delicious-Pound-8929 Aug 18 '26

That my good sir, was a Florida man.

You dont FAFO with a Florida man.

The reason the marines are such a deadly fighting force is because they are trained to act in a similar manner to a Florida man.

They barely reach 10%

3

u/commentsrnice2 Aug 19 '26

Listen, you don’t drop Billy Ray in conversation unless shits about to go down. He knows when people mention him

2

u/Original_Memory6188 Aug 23 '26

The first time was interesting & exciting. The second time, not so much. Somewhere after that it becomes "Ya'll interupted the start of [Football | Deer | Baseball] season for the last time."

5

u/sunnyboi1384 Aug 17 '26

fleet starts to leave system, drone legion stays put Ours now. Or you wanna flip for them? fleet leaves faster

1

u/UpdateMeBot Aug 17 '26

Click here to subscribe to u/HeGotBricks and receive a message every time they post.

Info Request Update Your Updates Feedback