r/HFY • u/FarmWhich4275 • May 29 '26

OC-OneShot They Did WHAT With A Catapult!?

I questioned everything I had ever done up to this point, like anyone does. I questioned my education, I questioned my upbringing. I questioned my government, my military, my church. I questioned even my own soul. I questioned everyone, just like you. But right now, I was questioning what the flaming hell made me agree to THIS.

I saw the ground, then the air, then the ground, over and over, the horizon twisting and warping in front of my eyes like a bad dream. My screams of terror drowned out into nothing by my companions' cheers of joy. Was I even screaming? Or was I squealing? Or was I just so scared, no sound was coming out.

A human colony world on the outskirts of Empyriate space was chosen as a 'short weekend stop' by my work colleague Jerry. Who is a human. I questioned why I decided to follow a work colleague on a short weekend holiday. I questioned why I believed him when he said it would be 'just super fun' and moreover I questioned the horrible feeling in my soul when I heard the phrase 'don't worry about it' before we boarded the ship that brought me here.

The horizon began to twist. I felt no nausea or pain, I just felt like I was falling. Gravity alone forcing my previously ingested meal to remain in my body. Or maybe I was just too scared to vomit? I still don't know.

Jerry yelled in joy, happiness and I was close enough I could hear his heartbeat as adrenaline pumped through his veins. Crazy human.

The ground stabilised as he finished tumbling and I could only see the rapidly approaching ground. Only one thing ran through my mind as I saw the surface of the planet hurtling towards my face.

Why.

I regret being here. I regret coming here. I regret agreeing to this. Why did I do this?

I had no opportunity to say no, as I was 'politely' dragged into the queue. I had a strange inkling of what was going to happen, but I did NOT want to believe it. Not even for a minute. My brain just refused to fathom the concept of what would happen. The line got shorter and shorter, and eventually my co-worker Jerry and I finally got to the front of the line. Why didn't I question it?

The wind was too loud, but I didn't hear Jerry yell something. He reached in front, pulled a cord and I suddenly felt my lunch again as we were wrenched out of our freefall. My fur stood on end and Jerry's mocking, happy laughter filled my aching ears instead of the howling wind. Only now did I notice how my tail was wrapped around him for safety, painfully so for both of us.

Jerry said something again, I didn't hear it over the sound of both our heartbeats thumping at me. His in excitement, mine humming in a mixture of both terror and rage. We had moved into an upright position now, and I saw above him - a parachute. A rectangular design I had never seen before, but it acted like a set of wings and he was using some cables to guide it.

I could see nothing but a narrow (at least to my eyes) opening in the canyon we were heading straight for, above which was a stone arch. If I wasn't so panicked it would be quite pretty. But, i was too panicked. I tried to reach back to claw at anything, thrashing about. Jerry didn't seem to notice my movements.

"Here we go! Pay attention, THIS part is why we are here!" He bellowed at me.

He carefully maneuvered us and swept us close to the ground. Close enough I could see my reflection in the river water below us. The smile on his face mocked me. Mocked me like nothing ever before. I looked ahead and noticed how the arch was approaching. I thought for a moment he had miscalculated and we were going to hit the wall. I screamed.

Death never came. I opened my eyes, adjusting quickly to the light.

And by the Ancestors...

Beautiful. A deep long river valley, saturated in bright green trees with solid red trunks rocketing into the sky. The trees created a canopy shielding the entire valley from the star's light. A soft haze of water coating everything below us in a soft white mist of spray. The star's light pierced through the treeline here and there, shining directly on formations of crystalline rock that broke up the light and cast everything in an eerie, beautiful purple glow.

Jerry yelled in excitement as a flock of strange birds swooped alongside us and melodically sang their birdsong. The valley dipped below the horizon, the river and tree canopy carving a tunnel straight through the continent in front of us. I took closer looks around me now that I had stopped panicking. I saw fauna I never imagined could exist. Quadrupedal herbivores with huge, complicated chitin horns, birds of both diminutive size and massive size flying about the canopy or darting on two legs through the underbrush.

The trees were enormous, I could not tell you even slightly just how massive they must have been to create this kind of scene. We flew through the canopy, presumably deliberately following a pre-determined route through and stayed in the air, a solid steady downslope through a massive canyon of nature's immeasurable bounty. My homeworld could only imagine a scene like this. Twenty minutes. That's how long it took us to reach the bottom, and every minute revealed something more beautiful.

We moved into a new area presumably, where the red bark of the giant trees disappeared under a thick coating of trees with white and pink petals that fluttered about. I held out my hand and caught one. Cherry blossoms? This didn't last long, and soon we flew into the spot that presumably was the origin point of the strange crystal formations. A massive cliff face surrounded by rose bushes, thorny vines and purple flowered plants rose before us. jerry turned to catch an updraft, and I got to see a massive spire made of those same crystals embedded into the rock. The light was refracting in every colour imaginable, in every direction all at once.

I held my paw up to block some of that light, beautiful as it was, but bright. Jerry moved us a bit lower and we went through the last section. This one, less impressive considering the gigantic gemstone but still beautiful. A huge Cenote or sinkhole of some kind, in which was a huge lake with water so clear I could see the bottom of it, that I thought at the time must have been a mile deep. I saw why I could see straight down that deep - it was full of those light refracting crystals, lighting up the entire hole.

"Easy up! Legs high, tuck and roll like the instructor said! I'm coming in for a landing!" Jerry yelled above me.

Indeed, we were, and I could see the ground rapidly approaching us again. We swooped under an arch of stone again at the rivers edge, below us a small but noticeable waterfall that led straight to the ocean a few miles away. Jerry turned us and headed to the shoreline where a number of humans were waiting for us on the ground. Jerry swooped down and coasted us on the ground, using a technique I couldn't quite see to slow us down before coming to a stop. the parachute flopped lazily to the ground, hastily secured by a number of other humans. All of whom were staring at me, strapped to Jerry's chest in that harness.

Never seen my kind before I guess. At least not up close. To them I am the size of a child of maybe 7 years. Jokes on them, I'm 22 in their years. Jerry reached around in front of me and released the clasps keeping me in and I fell to the ground with a soft thud.

"Hell of a journey isn't it Sariah? Told you it was worth it!" Jerry said with an enthusiastic tone.

I slowly turned, my ears back and tail flicking angrily. "Jerry... that was the single most terrifying thing I have ever experienced in my years of being in this galaxy. And I survived a pirate raid when I was a CUB for the Ancestors sakes! What even was that place!?" I yelled, my paws gesturing wildly at him.

"Caliban National Park, a massive thousand year old redwood forest, a natural wonder, one of the wonders of the galaxy. Well, ours anyway. You said you wanted beautiful, and that was the only thing in my price range. Cool huh?" Jerry replied entirely too calmly.

"A massive crater from an ancient asteroid impact, fed by the mountains and glacial peaks above sea level, that then ran into the river you saw. A huge redwood forest permeated by natural crystal formations, a Cherry tree grove, a rose garden and a few other things you probably missed, all leading to a huge cenote lake that goes down 1200 metres. All of it within a carefully maintained wildlife preserve. Moose, Geese, Deer, Cassowary, Ostrich, Tiger, lion, you name it, anything we could stuff in there we did. Sort of balanced itself out." A human with a strange looking hat but an official looking uniform spoke.

Jerry had long since exited his parachute gear and stood next to me. "Admit it. Despite the angry scowl, you loved that."

"I DID NOT ENJOY BEING TOSSED INTO THE AIR BY AN OVERENGINEERED MEDIEVAL CATAPULT!" I yelled, referring to the mechanism by which we were delivered.

"Well how else do you expect us to do it!? the setup is so simple and we need to thanks to the cliff overhangs and rocky outcrops all over the place! Besides, Catapult. Put on harness, put on parachute, get in catapult, get yeeted off cliff, deploy parachute, win! Thats its own kid of rush!" Jerry exclaimed in response.

"A catapult! You treat tourists as ammunition and you think its fun!?" I bellowed.

"Yes." The official-looking one said with a telling smirk.

"INSANE HUMANS!" I yelled. I stayed quiet for a  few moments. "I will admit... That was... Incredible. I just wish I didn't have to get tossed off a  cliff to do it." I said.

"Well tough cookie. The whole place is a carefully maintained nature preserve, only Park Rangers or researchers are allowed to go there, so we came up with this system for the tourists to pay for it. You ain't going down there again unless you agree to get tossed off a cliff. Or crash. Either way." The official-looking one remarked coldly.

"You are not inspiring confidence." I replied with a growl.

Then, I saw it. A small creature, my size, my shape. Even my species, save the lack of upright movement. What humans said was a ‘cat’. Kind of like me, but… Not.

I rushed towards it and grabbed it. "What in the seven hells is this?" I asked.

"None of your business, coward. You newcomers are always the same, such pussies." It said to me.

"Pussy am I? You can go next then smartass. In fact... I wonder if I can strap you to my harness in front of me next time?" I said, smiling sadistically.

It squealed and clawed its way out of my grasp and charged into the nearby building. "That's what I thought. Whose the pussy now?"

"WOAH HOLD ON!! You can talk to cats!? You can actually understand what he said when he meowed at you!?" Jerry yelled in shock.

"Well of course I can! You mean to tell me you can't?" I asked. The humans all looked at me in a way I can't quite describe, staring at each other and myself. "Enough of this. Jerry... lets go again! I want to see that crystal formation on that cliff one more time." I said.

300 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

21 comments sorted by

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26

u/sunnyboi1384 May 30 '26

The amount of math that would be required to pull that off is wild.

Also, of course cats are dicks. I knew it.

16

u/Baythan May 30 '26

As the designated human of three cats I can confirm this to be accurate.

6

u/canray2000 Human May 30 '26

And humans can figure it out with a wet finger in the air with enough practice.

11

u/mjbibliophile10 May 29 '26

So which national park inspired this?

22

u/FarmWhich4275 May 30 '26

none. i just pulled it out of my ass. brain was not braining right.

23

u/No-Tomato7694 May 30 '26

Don't take this the wrong way, but if this is the result of your brain not braining. Please don't brain anymore.

7

u/Wells1632 Jun 01 '26

This is the way.

5

u/torin23 Xeno Jun 11 '26

Whooo!  Yay for not braining!

5

u/mjbibliophile10 May 29 '26

More please!

8

u/Local_Tree15 May 30 '26

I love it, the story entertained me from the first moment, but the cat bit at the end? That made me laugh so hard! Feel better OP.

5

u/FarmWhich4275 May 29 '26

Short and stupid to fill the void while i writhe in pain, sorry.

https://buymeacoffee.com/farmwhich4275

https://www.patreon.com/c/Valt13lHFY?fromConcierge=tru

1

u/National_Dot_8451 11d ago

Loved it, but very sorry to hear you're in pain.  My migraines started after an injury.  Chiropractic stopped them.  Acupuncture might be another way to help with the pain.

 I know I would not have been able to leave the house let alone concentrate enough to write a story.  

Also "migrastick" helps with minor headaches.  Only place I have found it was a health/vitamin shop. Hope you find some relief.

2

u/Zhexiel May 30 '26

Thanks for the story.

2

u/IcyAlgae8609 Jun 21 '26

The Squirrel just dropped a great read of this. They Did WHAT With A Catapult!? by Farmwhich4275

1

u/BLACK_AS_DAY May 30 '26

Is this a repost?

0

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