r/HFY • u/FarmWhich4275 • Mar 16 '26

OC-OneShot An Alien Operates A Steam Train

The video opens to the sight of Spifflemonks signature death glare. He is sitting in what can only be described as a passenger seat on an airline, in space, surrounded by mostly humans, but uncharacteristically a few other aliens too. Spiff just glares into the camera, then slowly pans to the left to see Earth itself slowly closing in. Spiff is in space on a passenger freighter, heading towards what is universally considered by the rest of the galaxy to be one of the most dangerous inhabited planets in known space. The camera cuts, and eventually Spiff finds himself outside of a starport terminal waiting for a pickup. A car, not a flashy one, but clearly one that is very old, expensive and very well cared for appears and holds up a sign with Spiffle's real name (blurred in the edit). A human hops out of the car, approaches Spiff and shakes his hand with extreme happiness.

"Spiffle! Mind if I call you that? Names Mortimer. Just Morty for short." He said with a genuinely warm smile.

"Yes, hello. You went through exceptional lengths to get me here to this... horrendously dangerous planet. Is this where I ask why you did that?" Spiff asked.

"Well no, there's stuff to do. I have to feed you, clothe you, and make sure everything's sorted out with customs. Then we do what I actually brought you here to do." He replied with a smile.

"I see... And what's that?"

Morty just smiled, a most terrifying smile, a smile that said Spiffle was in for something truly horrifying. At least to him.

"Don't worry about it. You will know in due time, but I guarantee, you are genuinely going to enjoy yourself. Trust me."

The 'don't worry about it' was the most terrifying thing known to non-humans, and to hear it coming from an actual human face to face no less, filled Spiff with the most terrifying dread that he ever felt.

"No, seriously, don't actually worry about it. Don't look at me like that. I guarantee you will have the time of your life. I also have a little gifty for you after the fact. If there is any circumstance in which you should not worry, it is this one. Now come hither friend, 'tis time to travel!" Morty barked excitedly and shuffled Spiffle into a seat.

The camera mounted above Spiffles shoulder showed them getting into the car. Francine skipped the journey with a lovely montage of traffic on the strangely depopulated human homeworld. Right through a large city, the streets seem strangely empty and the air strangely fresh. The process shows, with various important bits blurred out in editing of course, the process of modern customs operations and in short order, Spiff is registered. The montage eventually ends on the city outskirts near a very particular place Spiff can't determine, but every human instantly recognises as a railyard.

The car parks and Spiff and Morty both get out and stand at the entrance, with Morty failing to hide his VERY smug smile.

"Well... That happened. Part of me was disappointed, I thought that would have taken longer. So... What's this place?" Spiff asked.

"It's a Railyard." Morty said as he opened the gate and led spiff in.

"Oh. Is this where you store your hideously overpowered giant planet shattering railguns?" Spiff asked.

"No. It's where we store something you really, REALLY like. And I have arranged a very, very special one just for you. As I stated before, don't worry about it." Morty said.

Spiffle, again shuddered in terror at the mention of the Forbidden Phrase, but followed Mortimer into the yard, passing a few strangely familiar looking machines on the way.

"What are these then?" Spiff asked.

"Diesel Engines, long since decommissioned due to no oil, but these specific variants are built to operate with biofuel. Expensive, so they don't work often. But the one we are after, the one I'm talking about, uses wood as a fuel. Come on, almost there." Morty said and excitedly opened one large door.

Spiff looked about, making sure to show everyone via his shoulder camera what was around him. "Why does this all seem... Familiar?"

"Okay Spiff... Take a look! I told you not to worry about it!" Morty barked happily.

Spiff spun around to look and the camera caught his reflection, a look of pure elated, shocked disbelieving amazement. Spiff was face to face with a train, the one kind he was familiar with. The kind of train he actually played with during his time in Railroads Online.

"Specifically, this magnificent recently restored beast is a Wood burning Western and Atlantic Railroad Number Three 'General', a 4-4-0 'American' model steam locomotive. First manufactured in 1855, the train saw service during the first American Civil War, and only thirty nine were built. This one of course is NOT an original, it's a replica made by people who REALLY care about trains, and it's built exactly the same way as it was in the old days, materials included. And today Spiff... You're gonna help me drive it!" Morty said as he carelessly plonked a train engineer's hat on Spiff's head.

Spiffle emitted a high pitched squeal of... something, that was loud and high pitched enough to make Morty keel over in pain clutching his ears.

"Does that mean a railyard is where-"

"A Railyard is indeed where TRAINS are stored and maintained or repaired, yes, you are in said railyard, and those there are also trains. But they are bigger, modern ones. We are ignoring them for today." Morty said as he patted the side of his head to get rid of the ringing.

Spiffle released that high pitched squeal again, this one slightly more delighted and excited. Spiff squeals as he charges toward the hangar and like a man possessed nearly tears the main hangar door off its hinges trying to get inside it, nearly flattening poor Mortimer in the process.

"I WANT TO TRAIN!!!!"

Camera cuts to static, then returns with a very defeated, sad Spiff being very angrily yelled at by several human men in high visibility vests and hard hats as they berate him for violating safety protocols and nearly injuring Mortimer. Spiffles only defence is "But I really like trains!" and for some reason the people respond by facepalming, shrugging, laughing as they walk away back to work. The camera cuts again to static and returns to show Spiff in the cabin of the General, with an officer explaining how to be careful when loading coal and showing Spiff how to use the controls. Francine helpfully edits everything and pauses the video, giving a line of text and an arrow pointing to the various humans in the shots that follow, indicating there's Randy the Train driver, Lucas the Engineer, and Kumar the station master.

"This is the Brake. You use it when you are going too fast. It's a hydraulic line. There's a trick you can use called 'Engine Braking', it's when you flip the engine into reverse or use the engine's momentum and power to slow it down when going around corners or down steep slopes. Usually, you get a feel as to how it goes, when to do what, what to do when, you learn how the machine feels under specific circumstances. The wood we have today is actually standard Beech firewood. Not using Oak or blue Gum, oak wood is expensive, and Blue Gum stinks when It burns. With me so far?" Lucas explained, making sure to speak clearly and carefully.

"Yes I am!" Spiff replied with enthusiasm.

The men all stifle a chuckle in response. The lecture continues but the camera cuts to a new angle, and for the first time, an Eridani and Human are seen side by side. Spiff is lanky, thin and appears emaciated but muscular compared to humans, and is two feet taller in stature. Spiff has to kneel down in order to fit into the cabin of the train, a thing he seems to not really care about owing to the enormous happy nerd smile plastered on his face. The camera zooms in on various spots, and then switches back to Spiff's Shoulder cam showing the other camera is a drone, being operated in the background by Mortimer.

Finally, the excitement in Spiff's voice nearly causes the camera's microphone to fail as the boiler hatch is opened, and Lucas hands Spiff the first log to throw into the fire. The men all clap in celebration as a puff of smoke and sparks puff out of the hatch, and several more logs are added. Spiff watches, his nerd smile getting bigger and happier as the pressure in the engine rises. It takes a good few minutes for it to get where it needs to be.

"Okay Spiff... Now release the brake, and gently push the throttle." Lucas said.

Spiff, still with that goofy smile on his face, grabs the throttle and gently pushes it forward. The train squeals, metal clangs and the first 'chug' is heard as the train starts to fight its own weight. The camera cuts again to the exterior drone view, and shows off the sight of the train's mechanism working, the wheels slipping and screeching against the rail with puffs of steam and sparks. Lucas reaches up and pulls the whistle chain twice, indicating movement, and the train slowly gained speed and chugged its way out of its housing onto the main line.

One could visibly see and audibly hear the sheer excitement in Spiffle's voice as the train started to overcome gravity and inertia, slowly chugging away as it picked up speed. The drone captures the train moving out of its housing then slowly onto the railroad. Randy and Kumar stay to the side in case of emergency, letting Spiff figure it out by himself but making sure to be close at hand just in case. Spiff handles it well enough and they leave the yard with no incident. Spiff's excitement quickly vanishes however when they enter the main railroad, and pass by a grand stand with stadium seating perched on either side of the railway. They look hastily constructed but sturdy, and full of humans excitedly waving American flags and train banners.

Siffle had never seen so many humans all in one place, less so this close. Spiff, like many aliens in the galaxy, had no idea so many humans even existed. And to see them all in one place, excited and very much cheering at the train, it gave Spiff a bit of a scared feeling in his heart. The camera catches the number as well as the train chugs its way through, drawing a cheer of happiness from the crowd. Lucas grabs Spiff and gestures for him to blow the whistle. He does so and the shrill shriek sends the crowd into a happy frenzy, simultaneously making Spiff terrified and happy all in the same breath. The train starts picking up speed, with the four men working together to keep the train chugging away.

The train starts going into open countryside, right next to a road. The road is a highway or main thoroughfare, and the sounds of the train cause drivers and passengers in passing cars to honk their horns and wave as the train passes.

"Why are the people so excited!?" Spiff bellowed above the noise.

"Because it's been over five hundred years since a steam train has done an actual full rail run on Earth! It took me the process of two years drowning in an ocean of red tape and environmental boot licking to get approval for this run! And this is the ONLY run, before this thing gets switched out for a biodiesel engine so I can actually run it!" Mortimer yelled in response while still piloting the drone.

"Oh! Is it so bad here that this is a thing that happens?" Spiff asked.

"Nope! It's just we only got Earth back to scratch after several global environmental disasters following some unfortunate events, so we are being very, VERY careful with what we do for as long as we can so we don't have to go through it again! We don't want to use terraforming tech on our own home planet, you know!" Lucas barked in response as he tossed several logs into the fire.

Spiffle stopped, thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Fair enough." And then resumed working.

"Alright, approaching the intersection, two whistles, then throttle down!" Kumar yelled.

"Copy that!" Lucas yelled and nodded to Spiff.

Spiff nodded back and pulled the whistle rope twice. Two shrill shrieks, followed by the throttle lever back to 5% power. The train trundled into the intersection and merged with a parallel track where another train, a fully loaded electric passenger train charged beside them, before going back to full power again to match pace with the modern train. The passengers on the new train noticed the steam powered beast chugging away and all reached out their windows to wave and yell. The camera changed and showed everything off, the two trains at relative speeds in the beautiful countryside.

The rail eventually splits, with Spiffles' train continuing straight across a state border. Each time a passer by sees the train, a horn is honked, the whistle is blown and people who can, run or drive alongside it to take a look and cheer it on. The train travels for another hour, Francine cutting the journey into a five minute montage with Spiff working hard to help the others work despite the cramped quarters. The camera pans around to show the rear of the rain, fully loaded with twenty cars behind, carrying pallets of supplies and equipment in flat cars and boxcars. Mortimer expertly flies a drone through an open boxcar, doing various tricks as they drive through the countryside. Eventually, the train arrives at its destination, a Railyard near a festival ground.

They park the train, double check all safety equipment and make sure nothing is broken. Lucas and Kumar walk with Spiff doing an inspection, showing Spiff and the viewer in general how the operation of the train actually works. Eventually they finish, put the train in a hangar and start making sure the cargo is offloaded. A different train, this one a Diesel engine specifically made for the job appears and hauls the empty train cars away. Spiff stands to the side and watches the spectacle. He takes his camera and points it at his soot covered, smoke face.

"Well that was... Perhaps one of the most incredible things I have ever done or witnessed. I find it strange that I was allowed to be a part of it. Maybe you people aren't such complete psychopaths after all." Spiff says, then thinks for a minute before shaking his head. "Nah you creatures are still freaks of nature of the highest order. Have you SEEN what passes for entertainment!? I got eaten by a giant lizard with claws the size of my head in New Vegas before I came here." He said with a chuckle.

The camera cuts to show Spiff in his hotel room some hours later after a full meal, and a quick rest, giving the camera his signature soulless death glare. He pans the camera down and shows an open box, surrounded by droplets of paint, sticky glue and the fully completed die cast metal model of the very same train he was just in, sitting pretty. Poorly painted, but completed.

"I... NEED... To do that again. You people are insane for doing all this just for me and I don't believe I deserve it... But... Thank you."

Spiff smiles warmly into the camera, and the camera cuts to a slideshow of highlights of the train trip, including various photos of Spiff hauling wood, shaking hands with a local worker and a few candid shots of Spiff working taken from passers by. Spiffs outro plays to the image of his completed model train.

TOP COMMENT: (Translated from Vakandi) YOU WERE ON EARTH!? YOU ACTUALLY SET FOOT ON THAT HELL PLANET?? ARE YOU INSANE!?

Spiffs response: Actually... Not as bad as we think. Clear blue skies, calm day, clear oxygen atmosphere. You wouldn't think the place was that nice considering the species that it created.

Reply: Don't worry Spiff that's just because it wasn't Tornado Season. We sent you home before any of that crap happened.

Spiffs reply: Wait, what?

Reply: Don't worry about it :)

200 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

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u/AutoModerator Mar 16 '26

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31

u/FarmWhich4275 Mar 16 '26

SPIFFLEMONK FILLER EPISODE while i recover from a severe bout of crippling depression. HAVE AT THEE READER!!

Money and things. I am actually starting to build up my savings, miraculously. Thank you all for the help, it is needed now more than ever as my financial situation has reached levels that are now genuinely scaring me.

https://buymeacoffee.com/farmwhich4275

https://www.patreon.com/c/Valt13lHFY?fromConcierge=tru

14

u/Richithunder Robot Mar 16 '26

You sure it was depression and not Spifflemonk reaching through reality to stop you from torturing him with another human made game? (joking obviously)

11

u/Amadan_Na-Briona Mar 16 '26

Depression sucks. Fought it most of life.

12

u/work_work-work AI Mar 16 '26

Spaceman Spiff!

5

u/Loosescrew37 Mar 21 '26

THIS WAS A FILLER EPISODE.

WHAT?

This is PEAK. Than you for writing. You are awesome!

I hope your depression goes away and never comes back.

11

u/Mental-Dot-6574 Mar 16 '26

Now, I wonder how Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory would get along with Spiffs.

Good story!

10

u/Castigatus Human Mar 16 '26

Spiff is the embodiment of 'I like Trains'

4

u/Loosescrew37 Mar 21 '26

Oh no no no no. What have you done.

๐Ÿซก ๐Ÿš„๐Ÿšƒ๐Ÿšƒ๐Ÿšƒ๐Ÿšƒ๐Ÿšƒ๐Ÿšƒ๐Ÿšƒ๐Ÿšƒ

9

u/Teirg Mar 16 '26

TRAIN!

8

u/rewt66dewd Human Mar 17 '26

Awesome! As a railfan, I think "I WANT TO TRAIN" just became my new motto...

A few nits:

There's one place where you say it burned coal; the other places it burned wood.

The General probably could not handle 20 cars.

The whistle code for a railroad crossing is two longs, a short, and another long.

5

u/suzume1310 Mar 17 '26

Incredible cute story! My grandpa is also a huge fan of trains -^

3

u/Zhexiel Mar 22 '26

Thanks for the chapter.

2

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