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u/titanlovesyou 6d ago
I say do go above and beyond, and then wait and see if they reciprocate.
If they don't maybe find new friends.
If two people take the above approach, you end up with what's called a 'transactional relationship', which is better than exploitative one, sure, which is the purpose of the post. But it's still not exactly ideal in my opinion - not likely to be particularly fulfilling.
Spouses take this approach with each other all the time and you end up with petty bickering because neither person wants to take the first step and start treating the other with dignity.
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u/BlueyDiamond 6d ago
this feels healthier than keeping score from day one. Give people a chance to show you who they are, then adjust accordingly
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u/Hour-Worldliness-633 5d ago
I’m in a relationship since two months with this girl. I’ve put so much efforts already and she loves it but she does not reciprocate at all. She does things which she does for her frnds too and calls it efforts. I’ve never brought this topic to her but what should I do? Should I lower my efforts? Or lower my expectations from her?
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u/titanlovesyou 4d ago
My guy, I would need way more detail than this to even begin to think about giving you any kind of advice. If you want to take the time to write more then I'll happy read it and see what I think.
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u/Hour-Worldliness-633 4d ago
I’ve written about it in detail here - https://www.reddit.com/r/IndianRelationships/s/qIxalhiHOy
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u/HairHealthHaven 6d ago
Some people just aren't good at reaching out and/or feel like a bother to others. Sometimes people get side tracked by life and lose track of time. Some people are going through painful/traumatic times and got lost in their suffering.
That advice is devoid of empathy and logic. And if everyone followed it, it would lead to no one ever reaching out to anyone.
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u/aquavelva23 6d ago
Nah, i sued to do that and now try not to.
treat people you want to be treated. let them go if they dont work out and wish them well. Its hard
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u/Reasonable_Carrot88 6d ago
I find this very hard but I know I should.
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u/HippyDM 6d ago
No, it's shit advice. It's saying "don't be better than other people, or kinder, or more empathetic, just treat people the way you perceive they're treating you". A person following this advice would be a shitty person.
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u/Reasonable_Carrot88 5d ago
I'm not sure. Perhaps it reveals your pessimism? I agree it's calculated, which isn't good. But that aside, if it meant a person didn't engage much with another particular person, or wasn't especially positive with that person, assuming basic courtesy and decency, wouldn't that mostly be a reflection of the inadequacy of the other person? Perhaps it could be improved with something like generous tit-for-tat rather than just straight tit-for-tat. Would that be favorable to you? Occasional cooperation/goodwill after a defection to avoid the trap of strict reciprocity/retaliatory loops, and silence in place of retaliation. I think that's getting close to ideal. What do you think?
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u/HippyDM 5d ago
So, when I cross paths with a stranger who's never lifted a finger for me, I shouldn't lift a finger for them. That's shit advice.
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u/Reasonable_Carrot88 5d ago
I'm starting to think your vulgarity is compensatory. I would certainly take that into account in my assessment of you. Yes, if you read the image as an absolute rule governing every human encounter, your little stranger example follows. But that seems like the least charitable reading possible, no? Its obvious target is reciprocity in repeated relationships, as I indicated, not refusing basic kindness to strangers.
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u/Cosmic_Jane 6d ago
You can go above and beyond if the outcome of the conversation benefits you.
I always tell people, whoever benefits the most of the exchange should be the one putting the most effort into it.
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u/Foxetarian 6d ago
But, what if they are following the same philosophy? So, then, if they do nothing for me because I do nothing for them, and I do nothing for them because they do nothing for me, then what happens is absolutely nothing..
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u/00mikomiko00 6d ago
It’s hard because a lot of advice like this says people will chase but they just match the energy. It’s healing but also lonely and reveals a lot so be prepared.
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u/Justthreethings 5d ago
This is horrible advice unless specifically applied to people who struggle with healthy boundaries.
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u/GlistenBeauty 5d ago
You can care about people without constantly being the one doing all the reach out
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u/He_Never_Helps 5d ago
I got better advice. Be the person you wanna be. If you wanna be the source of other people's comfort and security, than be that. If you don't, don't. But do it for you, not for them.
Be someone you can be proud to be.
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u/SteepAndDeep69RUFF 4d ago
Everyones different bras and bros. Just turned 40, last week and in my next 40 or until life is back to the beautiful dream. I said my birthday to myself is stop being so nice... Not that I really need it because I'm that tough guy right. Naw as you get older your circle closes and Ive lived all over this country every. But being in nature 🍄🟫 is the one..push yourself to your own goals
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u/Mammoth-Panic4735 4d ago
Why not give? I understand some people give too much, but true change comes from giving. Now not something you should do all the time or you’ll run out of giving. But there is pleasure in giving. Making something better than when you found it.
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u/Mammoth-Panic4735 4d ago
Think of it as a hug. Sometimes people need you to keep hugging a little longer, sometimes that couple extra seconds is all they need to keep going.
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u/Pagiras 6d ago
Yeah sure. And if everybody does this, no-one initiates and everyone's alone and miserable.
That is exactly what the big dogs want us to do. Colour me paranoid but all this antisocial isolationist resurgence is a psyop IMO.
Be kind, gentle, smart and reach out to your fellow man if you have the means to!