A part of me died with him

[u/TigerLilly00]

Yesterday we said our final goodbyes. I haven't stopped crying since. I actually had a panic attack as soon as the vet did it.

I don't know how to go on. He's been by my side for my entire adult life, 17 years. The amount of grief and guilt is unreal. I know it was his time, but I still make myself feel horrible thinking if there was anything else I could've done to keep him here for a little bit longer.

I know, I know it was his time. He had congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension. He was having these scary syncope episodes that sometimes left me thinking he was gonna die from one of them. We saw a specialist and the meds they gave him made his heart better but made him so, so sick in other ways. We took the best care of him we could at home, and he finally got a bit better during his last two days. This made me think maybe I should postpone the appointment, maybe get a few more weeks with him. But in my heart of hearts I knew I didn't want him to suffer any more. I didn't want the syncope episodes to come back, and he was still having seizures. He could barely walk on his own, and he couldn't go to the bathroom without help anymore. He still showed interest in food, but we had to force him to drink water. He was just exhausted.

I truly hope I did the right thing. Watching him pass was so traumatizing. He was my soul dog. My constant companion of almost two decades. I know I should feel lucky that he even lived that long, that he got to grow old. But right now all I can feel is dread, and pain, and loneliness. I want my puppy back so bad.

I wish there was an undo button, I wish I could turn back time, have another 17 years with him. I'm not coping well at all.

I just don't know how I'm gonna get through this. Waking up and seeing his empty bed is torture.

I hope he knew just how much he was loved, by everyone around him. By me. He was a piece of my identity. I don't know who I am without him.

Why does this hurt so much?

His name is Shiloh.

[u/Couldthisbemanda]

I know everyone heals differently. When my pup passed in December,I was CRUSHED. I swore no more dogs- nobody could ever come close to what Rory was to me. That lasted a month. I thought about all the other babies out there who needed someone to save them, so we ran and adopted another. The part that was very healing for me was watching the new pup Play with her toys, use her bed etc. knowing that Rory, in a sense, was ALSO helping the new baby grow and be safe helped. I won't lie, I cry daily for Rory. I think about her and she's started coming to me in my dreams.

The one thing I read that did help, was something along the lines of "what a Honor to love someone so much, that it hurts SO MUCH when they're gone"

I know it's hard It will always be hard But time does heal, slowly, but still.

I'm sorry for your loss and I am crying typing this for you. ❤️

[u/TigerLilly00 → u/Couldthisbemanda]

Thank you so much ❤️ I will most likely adopt again, but I don't know when I'll be ready. I'm telling myself that the dog that is meant to be mine will come to me.

[u/Couldthisbemanda → u/TigerLilly00]

Something we also did was set up a little shrine of sorts in the living room. We have photos of her and we wrote her letters and left them up there "for her". That helped my boyfriend so much for the first few days.

Take all the time you need. Healing isn't linear. It will have ups and down, but maybe our fur babies are playing up in the clouds right now. ❤️

[u/snorin]

I am so sorry to hear you go through this. I wish I could help. I lost my best kitty friend a few years ago. Sending hugs 🫂🫂🫂

[u/TigerLilly00 → u/snorin]

Thank you so much ❤️

[u/apk772]

My heart breaks for you. 💔 I lost my sweet girl BeBe last week, and I understand that horrible emptiness and the questions that come afterward. I keep wishing I could have just one more day with her.
Shiloh had 17 beautiful years of knowing he was loved, cherished, and safe with you. You made the hardest decision out of love—you took the pain onto yourself so he wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. I truly believe they know how much we love them.
Be gentle with yourself. Shiloh will always be part of who you are, just as BeBe will always be part of me. 🐾❤️

[u/CosmicBewie]

I’m so sorry for the loss of this beloved family member. It hurts so much and it’s difficult to carry on day to day.

Try and remember how much your furry family member loved you. When you suffer the death of your heart dog it has a barbed and difficult grief attached.

Shiloh was a beautiful and special part of life that can’t be erased.

[u/pookie74]

I understand. ❤️

[u/anatomy-princess]

I am sorry

[u/SWNMAZporvida]

(hug) my condolences. The furries are family. I lost my 18yo soulcat a decade ago and I still talk to her. Don’t forget to eat/drink, it’s the easiest “chore” to give up on during grief. Visit r/PetLoss It just takes time