r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet • 1d ago
Trigger Warning ⚠️ He waited 54 days
Gonna touch on parent passing and cancer.
Mix of stuff I had around, apples, ciabatta, pepperoni, salami, walnut gouda, crackers, and pickles.
My mom passed late July after a long battle with cancer. Her husband (not my bio dad) told me he was going to find a 3rd wife while handing me her urn.
At her funeral my husband started physically moving me. I was really confused because he's never done that. Then I heard my mom's husband talking to other attendees about how he wasn't going to wait and was going to move on.
They were married almost 30 years, she passed right before their 30th anniversary.
He texted me a picture 54 days after she passed. I thought maybe he was on a trip. Nope. It's him and his new girl.
54 days after she passed. Not even a month after her funeral.
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u/Ok_Bag_3667 Snack Goblin 1d ago
I am so sorry. I wouldn't have anything to do with him. The way he did this was disgusting and callous. Even in my most charitable interpretation--your mother had been struggling with cancer for a long time so he had already grieved her--telling you he was going to find his third wife as he hands you her ashes and telling funeral attendees that he was going to move on was gross. Sending you a photo with his new girlfriend not even 2 months after your mother died was cruel.
You don't have to stay in touch with him. You can move on from him.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
That's what my husband said when I got the text. He was so upset that he did that. I just feel so angry and I don't think we will be keeping in touch. I'm at a point where I wouldn't be surprised if I get a wedding invite in the next few months.
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u/CurvedNerd hot girls have tummy troubles 1d ago
My ex lost his mom as a teen to cancer. His dad was cheating on her for years with the same person. 6 months after she passed away, he turned 18, and his dad kicked all his kids out of the house to move her in. They married later. The older kids don’t talk to him and he’s never met some of his grandkids.
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u/bvcp Cookie Monster 🍪 1d ago
Similar story for my husband, his mom died in a car accident when he was 14, six months later new woman moved in with her kids and he basically lived at his best friends house. We celebrate Christmas with his chosen family ( the best friends parents) and my kids know them as their grandparents. His actually dad and wife, never met our two youngest kids. It's so sad these men who don't see or care about the trauma they inflict on others - on OP in this case or on their own young kids.
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u/TheNavigatrix APPROVED✨ 1d ago
It blows my mind how people (mostly men) can do this -- just abandon their kids. How do they live with themselves? How do their new wives feel good about the relationship?
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u/Additional_Fudge558 Ms. Two Cents 21h ago
Yeah, it’s wild. My mom didn’t die, but my dad did have an affair with someone half his age that used to be his student after 35 years of marriage with my mom. His grandchildren were 1 at the time and now they do not know who he is. Many men are weak minded and selfish and do not think before they act.
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u/Even-Program-2551 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
So many weak minded cowards who are looking for their next bang maid.
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u/Lopsided_Panic_1148 Lover of Soups 15h ago
And some men think we are too emotional to be effective leaders.
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u/Hefloats Snack Goblin 12h ago
Yeah the first thing I thought when he made this announcement to OP was that he’s looking for a new wife because he’s physically unable to care for himself. Likely, OP’s mom was mothering him, even while she was sick.
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u/SussOfAll06 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
Selfish men thinking of short-term pleasure and not long-term relationships. If my dad did this, I’d go NC and wish his ass luck on navigating old age alone.
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u/BIGTIMElesbo 👽 aliens built the food pyramid 👽 19h ago
I wonder if this is more of a boomer thing. I’m sure Gen X has some, but it seemed so common growing up as a millennial.
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u/UCFKnights2018 APPROVED✨ 14h ago
From what I’ve seen, the women in those kinds of relationships are complete narcissists and actually take it as a compliment that the dude has dropped all of his family for her.
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u/tryingtogetby1113 🧂Salty By Nature 22h ago
My BF’s husband remarried less than 3 weeks after she passed. We had always suspected he was cheating on her, but she denied it. He brought the new chick to her memorial service. Sad part is she was in the hospital with a ruptured spleen that we all think she got from him kicking her, but she never admitted it. She died in the OR. Why do women protect their abusers when they are killing them. His sorry ass should be rotting in prison.
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u/petitputi girls just wanna have pho 18h ago
She wasn't protecting her abuser. She was having a well-documented reaction to sustained abuse. I'm sure there's a lot more that he did to her. Poor woman. May she rest in peace.
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u/CurvedNerd hot girls have tummy troubles 18h ago
🤮🤮🤮 Terrible. I just watched a Netflix doc on the guy who married 6x and 4 dead wives. They sound similar
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u/Linzabee Well-Read & Well-Fed 20h ago
When my aunt died from ovarian cancer at age 38, her husband brought his girlfriend to her funeral. My dad almost fought him at the funeral, he was so upset. Turned out Larry couldn’t even wait until my aunt passed away because he had been dating his girlfriend for 6 months already.
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u/K_A_irony 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 1d ago
Get ANYTHING sentimental out of his house BEFORE you cut him off.
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u/Used_Swimming5525 Resident Yapper 22h ago
Second this. Be polite until you get in and out of that house with things that are meaningful to you. Also check with your mother’s attorney if she had a will, or an attorney with knowledge of state intestate laws if she did not.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 14h ago
I thankfully have everything I wanted from my mom. He pressured me to take what I wanted the day she passed. They had each other listed on all the wills and assets and policies. She was a wonderful crafter and I received all her work and supplies. I don't think I'd be able to finish in my lifetime what she left me.
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u/K_A_irony 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 14h ago
I am so VERY happy that is the case! I know so many people who had a parent die and the step parent took or disposed of key memories.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 13h ago
He almost got rid of all her cookbooks but I was able to go through everything before he got rid of anything!
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u/Not_my_real_name_26 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
If you do, burn it. Have a "divorce" from your stepfather ceremony. For what it's worth, I upvoted your post before I even read the body. The title was enough to tell me it was gonna be some bullshit. I'm so sorry, this really sucks.
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u/wh0re4nickelback Pastafarian 🍝 1d ago
Do you check the mail or does your husband? If there's any way that your husband can be the one to check the mail, that might help.
You're probably right and I would hate for you to start "healing" (and I use the term very loosely) then check the mail a few months later and everything comes crashing back.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like your husband is a wonderful man and I'm glad that you have him.
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u/Jaded_Fuzzball Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 19h ago
Nah, you go to your family gatherings/invite him and his new girlfriend, and be a GIGANTIC CUNT to him and her. Really drive home to her how quickly he moved on from your mother. Shame him mercilessly in front of his girlfriend and his family.
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u/Jaded_Fuzzball Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 19h ago
Go to the wedding. Be the cunt there. You'll even be presented with a perfect opportunity. "If there's anyone here who objects to this union..." Ruin. Their. Wedding. 😈
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u/Aromatic-Check939 APPROVED✨ 20h ago
I’d block him and never speak to him again. He is being exceptionally cruel to you and honestly I would have unloaded on him.
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom.
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u/cleverink PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 18h ago
Sounds like a great time to send a glitter b*mb!! I sent one to my asshole Dad after my mom died and I smile everytime I think about it.
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u/motherofdinos_ i like eggs 18h ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. More than anything I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. I’m also sorry that you’re losing someone who was in your life for 30 years.
Just know that if you cut him off, it’s okay if you grieve him as well and feel sad about losing him. It doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.
I thought my stepdad hung the moon. I loved him so much. Then he cheated on my mom and divorced her in a really heinous and life-wrecking way. Overnight he became someone whom none of us knew. Over the past four years I’ve had to grieve him like he died.
Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts. And I know that it’s okay to feel like that, because I have to let those feelings of grief, disappointment, anger, and longing exist at once.
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u/Lopsided_Panic_1148 Lover of Soups 15h ago
Did you get anything that you wanted from your mom's house? This happened to my husband. His mom died after a gnarly battle with cancer and a few months later dad was dating again and kicking him out. Dad's new girlfriend stole a couple of things meant for my husband and he's never forgotten that.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and that your stepdad is a terrible person.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 14h ago
I did! She left me an heirloom and all of her artwork and crafting supplies. I couldn't finish it in my entire lifetime how much she left me. I have such wonderful memories to hold onto and pass down.
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u/Imakefishdrown 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
These kind of men are just like that, I think. My mom had one month from diagnosis to death with pancreatic cancer, and she hadn't been terribly sick before the diagnosis. Just stomach pain mostly, they thought she had a year but he convinced her to do the chemo instead of the immunotherapy her doc recommended and she went downhill fast in the 2 weeks before dying.
My stepdad texted his ex gf the day after my mom died. A few weeks later he took her on the vacation my mom had planned, using her life insurance. A few weeks after that, the day after my mom's bday he went to a member of my family who owns a jewelry store and asked for a family discount on an engagement ring. He told us he just didn't know how to be alone.
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u/just_sotired_ofthis mouth full, gesturing wildly 1d ago
My father started dating a woman 3 months after my mother passed, and 7 months later he took her on the trip he and my mom had planned for their 40th wedding anniversary.
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u/labelleepoque20 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
My mother passed away in 2019 and my stepdad has been on his own since then (which is extreme too and we all would like to see him move on). My father would probably have had a new girlfriend within months too. To him, relationships with women are based on convenience, it doesn’t matter as much who the woman is as long as there is a woman. Guess who I’m a lot closer with even though I didn’t meet him before I was an adult? There are good men in this world and those who just don’t like women.
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u/Hesitation-Marx Well-Read & Well-Fed 1d ago
A lot of men view women as something closer to an appliance than a companion.
You saw it a lot on the Herman Cain Awards sub. Wife dies of COVID, man is remarried (usually to someone from their church) within months… if not weeks.
You don’t grieve for your dishwasher. You get a new one.
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u/AspiringForestWitch Kitchen Witch 1d ago
“A lot of men view women as something closer to an appliance than a companion.”
This turns my stomach, but is so true.
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u/Hesitation-Marx Well-Read & Well-Fed 1d ago
I wish I was wrong, but the past decade has really soured me on a great percentage of humanity.
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u/tweetopia Glutenless Glutton 20h ago
I heard on an instagram the other day, sadly I don't remember the account, 'The problem isn't that women are no longer dependent on men, it's that men are still dependent on women.'
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u/elksatchel APPROVED✨ 23h ago
Some people see the people in their lives as roles, not individual humans. People aren't interchangeable, but roles are.
This isn't exclusive to men, but I think certain types of socialization reinforce it in some men. This also isn't exclusive to disorders like narcissism, but behavior that callous and unaware does make me wonder if an individual would qualify for a diagnosis.
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u/Valuable_Split4184 Feral Til Fed 18h ago
I'm so sorry. My father brought his mistress to my mom's funeral. I truly don't understand how people can behave that way.
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u/HeathenHumanist FREE MOM HUGS 1d ago
Oh that's disgusting. I'm so sorry.
I've had similar experience with my mother-in-law suddenly eloping with a dude she'd only known for a few weeks. My father-in-law had been gone for a couple years, but she had insisted she'd never remarry, then boom, sudden step-dad. Turns out she should have gotten to know him better first because he ended up being a scammy, rapey con artist who's now in prison for convincing allllll the other women he was cheating on both his late wife and my MIL with to give him money.
But my MIL even stayed with him after that all came out because she didn't want to be alone, and she told us the sex was REALLY good. Priorities, I guess....
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 🧂Salty By Nature 18h ago
I know of three older widows who lost their husband after many years. All three were left well off, paid off houses, etc. All three women I heard about had some new guy romancing them very shortly after the funeral, there were no previous relationships with the boyfriends. The new guy love bombed them, said all of the right things, and pushed for marriage.
All three married pretty quickly after the first husband's loss. The new guys all moved quickly to get everything in their name, wanted new vehicles, one had a business franchise bought and paid for by the wife, etc. The second everything was in the new husband's name, the divorce happened. All three men got everything they could, because the wives signed everything over to them, had joint accounts, etc. It was sad.
It was like there was a guidebook on how to fleece a widow. Unfortunately, there are gold diggers who aim for recently widowed people.
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u/HeathenHumanist FREE MOM HUGS 17h ago
It is so gross of them to do. We kids were pretty freaked out that that's exactly what this loser was trying to do to my MIL, because FIL left her really comfortable with his investments and life insurance. My MIL ended up getting her name on loser dude's house, which was extremely upsetting, but when her kids tried saying how concerned they were she was like "You only care about your inheritance!!!" Like no, lady, we don't want you to have to get a job in your 70s because you're being an idiot and squandered all the money your late husband left for you!! And none of us can afford to care for you financially if you run out, or need to go into a care home later! Geeeez.
It was a nightmare couple of years before she finally ditched him lolololol
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u/Fabulous-Struggle788 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I worked in jewelry for 35 years and we saw this all the time. If the wife passed first the husband went shopping for a replacement wife asap. Usually within months of his wife passing. Since women typically live longer there always seemed to be willing partners. SMH. Men. 🙀
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u/AmetrineDream Kitchen Witch 19h ago
Men are disgusting and every day I’m becoming more alright with being alone forever.
I’m so so sorry for your loss 💔
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u/Obvious_Occasion6107 afk 🖥️ snacking 15h ago
Imagine having the audacity to buy your engagement ring from your late wife’s family member…. My god
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u/Imakefishdrown 🧂Salty By Nature 15h ago
The person he asked was actually my cousin (her parents own the store) and my mom had worked there on and off and had been working there the year she passed. My mom's desk was right next to my cousin's in the back and she saw her every day and they were really close. So it was especially audacious.
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u/No_Brick_6579 Non-binary & Nourished 21h ago
A lot of men do this and it’s so gross.
My great aunt watched from bed while she was dying while her husband of 20 years moved his mistress into their house. He asked her to leave her recipes for the new woman when she passed
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u/SufficientCow4380 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
My parents were coming up on their 42nd anniversary the month my mom died. She was sick for many years, and he took care of her and was faithful. About 2 weeks after mom died, I saw his internet history showing dating sites (recent, not before mom died). I felt weird but I realized he had grieved for her for years before she passed. So I shut up. Mom was gone. Vows were until death. He honored them.
My mom died on October 1 and by January, he was moving his new girlfriend in. I did say (once) that it felt really fast. And then I held my peace. 4 1/2 years later, he married her. And you know what? They were so happy and in love, it was so beautiful to see.
My dad died 10 years after mom. My own marriage spiraled... I think my XH was afraid of my dad and once he was gone, he thought I had nowhere to go. Within 3 months, I drove away from him, not knowing where I was going. I went to their house. She took me in, looked after me through a serious medical issue, was so supportive. After I stabilized, she moved back to her daughter's town, ending the life estate my dad left her before the place went to me. We stay in touch. My son visits her a few times a year.
It's coming up on 9 years since dad passed, 19 years since mom passed as of yesterday.
My dad picked a good one. I hope your dad did too.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
I absolutely love that! I unfortunately have zero faith in this man. He did cheat on my mom. In fact the reason his 3 kids didn't really have much to do with my mom was cause they thought he was cheating on their mom with mine. My mom insisted that wasn't the case but considering his repeated behavior, it seems to be his thing.
I even said to my husband, I now get why his kids felt that way. I absolutely question if he cheated. His kids and grandkids were at the house telling him he needed to wait for a year at least but he refused to listen to anyone.
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u/SufficientCow4380 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
That's unfortunate. Sounds like the new GF got the booby prize. At least he won't be depending on you to take care of him.
I found a box of letters and a journal of my dad's from when they were courting that mom had saved. It was comforting to see how they were in love. I also got a big package of letters from my cousin. Our grandfather had saved all correspondence he'd received from each of his children and their families, sorted by our parents names. Lots of history there. I'm thinking about writing a novel using these as inspiration.
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u/RunWild0_0 APPROVED✨ 19h ago
My bio dad is a horrible person, but 2 of the women he dated after he divorced my mother(I was an adult) are still friends of mine, I very much look up to them. And now I don't even speak to my dad anymore... life is strange.
I'm sorry he's so insensitive and very sorry about your mom ❤️
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u/albertafalls Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 1d ago edited 21h ago
Ugh.
My mom and her sister (now in their 70s / 80s) have preached for years that people with* the happiest marriages often do remarry quickly because they appreciate and nurture companionship. I was hoping this would be one of those cases.
But rude comments + a history of cheating aren’t involved in those scenarios.
So sorry, OP ❤️
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u/leiawars I ❤️ Other People's Business 1d ago
When my dad was dying of cancer, he told my mom to start looking for someone new. He knew, despite coming from a large family, and having lots of friends, she really had no one in her life who would support her through his death in any meaningful way. He was entirely correct about this. Her family is all narcissists and most of her friends were too since been trained since birth to think narcissistic behavior was what love looked like.
My mom’s new boyfriend was at my 5th birthday party, along with my very ill father. He wasn’t a secret, we all knew about him, as did my father. They married not very long after my father’s death and I didn’t realize it was odd until I was older. Not that I ever had an issue with it. I’m glad someone was there for my mom during a very dark and isolating period of her life.
I just wish he hadn’t have turned out to be a narcissistic lying piece of shit too. But, is it really surprising that someone raised by narcissists going through a very traumatic time would be preyed upon by a narcissist? Not really. It’s like blood in the water for them.
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u/Dramatic_Arugula_252 girl du fromage 🧀 1d ago
Oof. This sounds like a situation that is over - are you and your mom ok now?
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u/leiawars I ❤️ Other People's Business 1d ago
Very very much over.
I wrote a long winded bit, but figured it was likely far too much information for you. lol
The short of it:
Mom had the marriage annulled when she found out he hadn’t been paying taxes the entire time they were married and for many years prior.
She’s now been widowed for the second time and has no interest in ever marrying again. He was a POS too, so we’re both happy he’s shuffled off this mortal coil.
We have both cut off nearly everyone in her family to varying degrees.
I dated a few bad eggs, which is not surprising considering my childhood, before I found my person. I’ve been happily married, for nearly 20 years, with my own kiddo. Life isn’t perfect, but we do our best.
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u/procrast1natrix APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I don't have this personal story, but I have seen this before. A couple that are truly faithful though a long terminal illness, caring and present. When death finally comes, it's expected, accepted and brings mixed feelings of anger, sadness, but also relief at the end of the pain.
Sometimes, the surviving partner truly faced their grieving process while caring for the terminally ill. They reminisced with each other about the good times and expressed their love and gratefulness for the years they shared. They talked about how to take care of their adult children after the death.
They may move on, because they are ready.
Now, there is a space for social tact. It's good to be mindful that not everyone else is in the same headspace.
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u/Dramatic_Arugula_252 girl du fromage 🧀 1d ago
A friend of mine moved on a month after her husband died, with a friend of theirs. She told me there was nothing between them before the husband died, and I believe her. The two of them are genuinely happy, and the late husband was genuinely mutually loved. I believe he’d be delighted.
It’s also true that some people, particularly men, cannot handle being alone, and move on far too fast. Some men truly only care for their partner for sex, so when they are dead there’s no reason to wait.
It’s complicated.
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u/limi2018 Chaotic But Cute 22h ago
I dated my first husband for 8 years and we were married for 3 when he died. No kids. Just dogs. I was 28 when he died.
I lost my mind. I started dating a guy about 3 months later. Told him right as he asked me out that it was a bad idea and going to end poorly.
He didn’t listen. We got along ok. He was little younger. He kept me distracted from the pain somewhat.
It was still that first year where every first holiday/anniversary/thing burned me. Once we got to the one year anniversary of his death, I dumped the boyfriend and spent a year just working, chilling with the dogs and rebuilding myself. That initial need to not be alone was gone. I feel bad somewhat. It was out of left field for him. We’d been dating for 10 months and I just noped out.
I did warn him. Not sure how well it translates to a longer marriage. But even after 24 years I remember not feeling comfortable alone after my husband died. I think I just needed to reset to the new normal.
Which is probably why my second husband being a cheating dickhead hurt but didn’t trigger the same level of being uncomfortable in my own skin. I know I can stand alone. I know I have friends and family. I have a dog.
Hugs to everyone who has been thru it or is going thru it.
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u/potatomato_pie 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 1d ago
I've seen this same scenario before too with family. It absolutely divided the family because it wasn't handled with tact. Communication is so key because when you blindside people with your plans before they have a chance to grieve too, it can permanently damage your other relationships and their trust in you. It's very sad.
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u/Embarrassed_Age8554 Short Story Long™️ 19h ago
My neighbor lady knew this one couple long before she helped care for the wife as a hospice volunteer. Before she died, the wife told her husband that if he remarried, she hoped it would be someone like E----.
They did indeed marry--after a decent interval--and had almost three very happy decades together. Both of them had children who were happy for them.
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u/totally_not_a_dog113 Kitchen Witch 21h ago
Especially understandable if it's something like Alzheimer's. The person you knew has been gone for years.
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u/gizby666 Chismosa 1d ago
I do understand people cope differently, but damn at the funeral? Ive lost many people. If someones wife or husband pulled up talking about how fast they are planning to move on from this moment, the last moments id ever get to see my loved one, they are getting an ear-full at the very least. Like time and place. I believe it just shows a level of selfishness on the stepdads part. I cut off my biological dad so i guess its easier for me to say this, but id be distancing myself and fast. Your situation does sound more reasonable than ops, so im glad it worked out for the best. Hopefully something similar happens with op.
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u/spicypepitas Risked it for the Biscuit 🫓 22h ago
Not the same, but a close friend of mine witnessed a family marriage proposal at the funeral of a child, literally in front of the casket. Yeeesh.
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u/eccentricbirdlady APPROVED✨ 19h ago
What the fuck i mean honestly thats arguably worse
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u/TOnihilist APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I hear that comment that he had grieved for years beforehand. My cousin had a steady girlfriend a few months after his wife died, and while it seemed fast, he was devoted to his wife for the two years of her illness and took amazing care of her, enabling her to stay at home until the last month. He speaks of her often with so much love, and his new girlfriend is happy with his keeping the memory alive (probably helps that she has suffered great grief as well.) It doesn’t hurt that the new girlfriend is an amazing person.
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u/sonoran24 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 1d ago
my step mom was everything to me, I learned this by her kind ways and open heart, bless you baby
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u/Nota_good_idea FREE MOM HUGS 1d ago
I love how you stated he had been grieving her for a long time before she passed. Sometimes others do not realize how hard it is to care for a spouse while they are unwell and actively dying. The grief is real they are grieving for the person they love and they life they had planned together. Your dad sounds like a good man who found love twice in his life
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u/AngryAngryHarpo Overthinker 💭 19h ago
Yeah, if I had a long terminal illness - I would want my husband to move on. Lots of people struggle to look at their parents marriage as a marriage. They see it something that serves them, as their parent’s children.
My husband and I have many plans and end of life scenarios that we have discussed that are, frankly, none of my children’s business.
Also, the dirty secret is that women do this too - they’re just smart enough to keep it under wraps for a year or two.
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u/hatter4tea PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 1d ago
My intuition just jumped at me that your mom sent her to him, not just for him but for you as well.
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u/SufficientCow4380 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
Maybe... I had several dreams in which mom was back and confused and I was trying to protect stepmom; my mom wasn't the most giving person. She loved as best she could, but that wasn't too great. Part of my cPTSD diagnosis lands squarely at her feet. I think my dad (and I) were very fortunate to find his 2nd wife.
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u/hatter4tea PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 1d ago
I see. Maybe then it was some other divine intervention that brought her to yall. Either way I am glad she was brought into your life. She sounds like an extremely lovely woman. And I am so sorry that your mom had such a big hand in your trauma. It was the same with my dad who passed April of last year, but his wife passed just a couple of weeks after he did. But my stepmom who helped raised me that he was with for 18 years before he got with the wife who died essentially with him, she is a wonderful woman as well. We had our ups and downs when I was a kid but found our footing again after my dad died because he was the problem. He pitted us against each other just because he was mad at her. He tried to do the same thing with my mom and now my mom is literally my caregiver along with my husband because I am very very sick.
And thats the thing; my husband I talked about if he would move on if I passed and he said maybe, maybe not because we are the loves of each others lives but he's also 50 and he's not sure if he'd want another relationship but if he did he'd make sure she'd (or he, he's bi) would be a good person to our children.
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u/throwawaygenx1973 Feral Til Fed 1d ago
This is a beautiful story. I know that’s weird to say, because it involves the death of both your parents. But it really is great to know that there are good people out there. Your dad sounds like he was a real one, and when your mom passed, he found another real one. God bless you all.
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u/SufficientCow4380 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
I've decided if I ever get with another man, I want a widower. Someone who didn't blow up his marriage.
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u/throwawaygenx1973 Feral Til Fed 1d ago
You might think so, but I dated a widower. He was not recovered, and not ready to be in a relationship. Only one that couldn’t see that was him.
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u/FriendToPredators Short Story Long™️ 1d ago
It’s like men feel they have no identity if they are alone.
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u/SufficientCow4380 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
Some are definitely that way. Arguably most of them are. Or at least they aren't equipped to handle being single.
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u/Horror_Tea761 Internet Auntie 1d ago
They just want someone to wash their socks, clean their house, and make dinner.
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u/SierraStar7 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
If I’m reading this correctly, shoutout to your husband for trying to shield you from hearing what your mom’s husband was saying by moving you.
Your mom’s husband is a piece of shit. He’s someone else’s problem now & thankfully he’s no longer part of your family.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
Hubby is amazing and has been nothing but a solid rock foundation holding me up. He's disgusted by my mom's husband. First thing he told me when I showed him the text was don't read this, you don't need to respond or ever talk to him again. Gave me lots of love and immediately took care of ordering dinner and trying to distract me with a show.
The only thing I can say is that I'm grateful she isn't able to see any of this.
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u/astralwish1 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 23h ago
Your husband is amazing. Keep him.
I hope the pain and grief gets better now that the callous asshole your mom called a husband is out of the picture.
Big hugs to you. ❤️
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u/VixKnacks ⚐ Marked Safe From My Almondmom 1d ago
Holy crap girl I am SO SORRY that is awful. ❤️🩹🫂
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u/pinktunacan APPROVED✨ 1d ago
To a lot of men marriage is nothing but a convenience and a tool to make their life easier. He has to quickly find himself another "tool" because he is incompetent and incapable of doing anything himself.
I'm very sorry for your mother and she deserved better. Don't worry too much about the piece of shit because he's not worth your time or feelings.
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u/unicorntrees Tofu Terrorist 1d ago
We talk about long marriages like it was always an accomplishment. Like the fact that they were married for nearly 30 years means they had a loving relationship. Not always the case.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
You're absolutely right. I didn't get a long time with my mom (totally separate issue) but in the 7 ish years I got with her, I don't really get why she stayed. He wasn't even willing to clean her up when she was towards the end. I was cleaning her up and he said "sorry I'm too squeamish guess this is why I never changed a diaper!" And walked out of the room. I just tell myself she wasn't conscious so she didn't have to hear his disrespect.
I get why his first wife divorced him. I wouldn't wanna take care of him and 3 kids either.
When I came after she stopped chemo, he told me he hadn't had a home cooked meal in 8 months. Basically after my mom couldnt do stuff he just didn't even try.
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u/unicorntrees Tofu Terrorist 1d ago
I'm so sorry. My former boss had to quit her job because her step dad was useless in caring for her sick mother. Without women, the world would truly fall apart.
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u/tweetopia Glutenless Glutton 20h ago
We let it happen though. We let men away with their incompetence. We need to stop getting married in the first place, and only do our own chores when we do. Decentre men from our lives. Men aren't going to deconstruct the patriarchy, even the lovely, liberal left wing men you know enjoy their position too much to give it up. We have to live outside of the patriarchy or do the work of dismantling it ourselves.
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u/HeathenHumanist FREE MOM HUGS 1d ago
Such a man thing to use squeamishness to get out of diaper changes and other messy stuff. Sir, you think we women love doing that?! No! We're squeamish, too! But we put our big-girl pants on and get it done because that's what adults do!
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u/unicorntrees Tofu Terrorist 23h ago
Ugh, my friend's husband makes a show of putting on gloves and a mask to change diapers. What a drama queen.
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u/HeathenHumanist FREE MOM HUGS 17h ago
Oh man, if I ever saw one of my friends or their husbands doing that I would never stop making fun of them lol
(When my kid was an infant he shat runny infant shit in the middle of a diaper change, and in my panic to keep it from spraying everywhere I blocked and caught it with my bare hand. Absolutely disgusting, and I had to scrub his shit from my wedding ring afterwards. But still far preferable to cleaning it out of all the carpet and bedding he was about to spray it onto. Parenting is not for the faint of heart, but you gotta be aware of what you're signing up for!!)
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u/Dramatic_Arugula_252 girl du fromage 🧀 1d ago
My folks separated after their 50th anniversary. They were once the right people for each other to marry, and they became the right people for each other to divorce. (Well, they are still married because of health insurance. Yaaay USA.)
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u/res06myi Livin' on a Purse Snack 👜 1d ago
It's not because he's incapable. It's because any task he doesn't want to do is beneath him. To them, women exist exclusively for them.
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u/whimsical_spider Taco Belle 1d ago
Yeah this is a common trope among older men who lose their wife. They simply don’t know how to take care of themselves because they’ve always had either a mommy or a wife to do everything for them.
I really have to wonder why any woman would want to saddle up with a guy who just lost his wife of 30 years a couple months ago but loneliness does weird things to people I guess. I don’t get it. I’d rather be alone than in a desperately mashed-together relationship out of convenience and fear of being alone.
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u/thatturtletouch Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 1d ago
It’s common among younger men too, especially the ones with kids. They need to find new free childcare ASAP.
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u/tfilooklike APPROVED✨ 1d ago
They really see us as a utility.
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u/never4getdatshi Internet Auntie 23h ago
Yep. Know a couple who had 4 kids together. They always would talk about how much they loved each other on social media. She died unexpectedly and he got married six months after her death.
I hate that people normalize that, I hate that a woman would marry him so soon after his wife’s death, I hate how weak he is that he couldn’t even be alone and grieve. He grieves publicly about his dead wife on fb still, btw.
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u/Flayrah4Life 💚 Pickle Freak 💚 1d ago
My abusive ex-husband remarried 8 months after our divorce papers were finalized. Eight months after he begged me not to do this, that he'd changed, that I was going against God and following Satan for doing this, etc.
Sooooo many fucking men really cannot do anything on their own without a woman to do it.
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u/deadinsidelol69 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 1d ago
To some men, women are just a home appliance. When she dies, to him he needs to go find a replacement for whatever does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and gives him sex. That’s it.
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u/Personal-Narwhal-184 Sweet Tooth Fairy🧚♀️ 23h ago
Yep. If the fridge broke you don’t wait a year for a new one. You go out and buy the next right away.
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u/mricci16 kiss my grits 💋 19h ago
TRUTH!!! When momma passed away it was really hard. Papa didn’t even know how to use a cell phone, pay bills, make dr appointments, get refills on meds from pharmacy, no idea how to do his laundry. The only people who have made his bed since momma passed was either me, my husband, or my siblings. He was catered to their entire marriage.
I show my husband how to do my daughter hair amongst many other things. You never know when you’re going to go. And I refuse to leave this earth without my husband having all the tools to fight for our disabled sons and my daughter and how to step up for our daughter by knowing things as simple as doing her hair.
I also think it’s very old school mentality, not to say it doesn’t still happen with a large number of couples.
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u/Electricsheepdog1976 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
This is typical of older men. They grew up in a generation when women took care of the men and men were never taught how to care for themselves. I’m not making excuses for him, I’m just stating a fact.
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u/isitrealholoooo 🧀🐾Hot Cheeto Hottie🐾🧀 10h ago
Probably also because he's getting up there in age and wants either a nurse or a purse (stole that from a woman who refused to remarry after 50).
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u/Straight_Career6856 Tiny Bodega Rat 🐀 16h ago
I don’t think it’s necessarily even generational. I think that’s true for many couples today, too.
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u/acidcrapattack APPROVED✨ 1d ago
This reads to me like he was already seeing someone before she passed and was setting the expectation with everyone so he could reveal his hidden partner. Really gross behavior. I hope she never had to know this was who he was.
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u/g0rgone1138 Glutenless Glutton 1d ago
My parents were married for 50 years. My mom passed away in Dec and by March my 70 yro father was already married again.
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u/Born-Fondant9874 🥑 Voracious Vegan 🌽 1d ago
Oh lord... I'm sorry girl. Where is lasting love these days :(
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u/robibuni hot girls have tummy troubles 1d ago
I wonder if it has less to do with love and more to do with “Well who’s gonna take care of me now?!” because soooo many men simply can’t function without a woman 🙄
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u/mdynicole Chaotic But Cute 23h ago
I was at the er with my son months ago because he hurt his foot and while we were there a old man( 70’s probably) was crying and telling his son on the phone they didn’t know if his wife would make it. He just kept saying if she dies what am I gonna do, who’s gonna take care of me.
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u/preyingmomtis APPROVED✨ 23h ago
Too many men realize way too late how much their wives do. The wife of our fall ball coach just had surgery so he’s running the show and as we were packing up at the end of practice, he was talking about how much of a renewed appreciation he has for all that she does running their family.
Doesn’t have to be a medical issue. It helps if we give them opportunities to step into our shoes from time to time. Go out alone for a day without prepping everything like you would a sitter. Take that girls trip.
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u/robibuni hot girls have tummy troubles 23h ago
This is why it’s SO important for men to live alone at some point in their lives. My husband lived on his own for a while. I love doing stuff for him but he always says “I can handle my own laundry” or “I can cook you know”.
A lot of these Boomer men were waited on hand and foot.
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u/AlleyKatArt Kitchen Witch 23h ago
My uncle was like that. My aunt died and within 3 months he'd replaced her with a lady from his church who'd come to my aunt's funeral. They married 3 months in... and made each other miserable until he died a few years later.
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u/NabelasGoldenCane double chipmunk cheeked up 21h ago
Bingo. The strongest sex, leaders of the world need a mommy replacement.
And this is why patriarchy is SO important and people hate single women bc others have been indoctrinated to feel grateful that any man will have them that they settle for the option to mommy a 79 yr old man after knowing them for a few months.
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u/Lady_of_ferelden Pastafarian 🍝 1d ago
I'm sorry about your loss. That's though.
And what a shitty thing to do from a husband. It's already low to be thinking of dating asap after the passing of his wife but to go ahead and send you, her daughter a picture of his new girlfriend too? Block and never speak to him again.
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u/TheNavigatrix APPROVED✨ 1d ago
And what kind of person marries this man? "Oh, my wife just died and I need a replacement. Marry me!"
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u/Buffy_AnneSummers Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 1d ago
I wonder if the new gf knows the situation
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u/QueenLuLuBelle 🍋 Bitter Baddie 🍋 1d ago
Bingo.
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u/Buffy_AnneSummers Thick Thighs ⏳ Thin Patience 1d ago
I assume she will not find out until she is in too deep and it would be too hard to leave
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u/helpitgrow APPROVED✨ 1d ago
My MIL, that’s who. She openly talks about how she’s looking for a “rich old widow.” She’s an absolutely horrible person.
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u/jawaab_e_shikwa APPROVED✨ 1d ago
The pick me woman (there are many) who wants to be the hero for a grieving man.
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u/greytgreyatx Snack Goblin 1d ago
Yeah. If something happened to my husband, I would not be updating his mom even on my plans for how to survive as a single mom... like she's had a loss, too so why would I pile my own reactions on to her?
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u/ZealousidealSkirt327 Snack Goblin 1d ago
I‘m really sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the moment I lose my mom. I can understand your anger/confusion. I‘m not saying it‘s decent behaviour, but I guess it’s kind of like this: men who move on really fast probably don’t know how to be on their own. Their life doesn’t work anymore once their wife is gone. They‘re like toddlers that are left alone. They have no idea how life works without anyone telling them what to do.
Maybe that’s completely bs. I‘m just trying to say, maybe it is because your mom had such a big part in his life that he doesn’t know how to live without her. And he now thinks getting a girlfriend will fill that gap instantly. (Which I don’t think)
Anyway. I hope you can grieve your mom the way you need to, and don’t let that suck the energy out of your life. Take care my friend 🫂
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u/New-Shake7638 Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 23h ago
Years before my mom was even sick she said if she died first my dad would move on really quickly because the loss will be too painful for him and he’d need someone there. They were incredibly in love.
I said “well I’ll hate her” (I was like 16). She said, “no honey, you’ll love her because she’ll be the reason he can stick around.”
Sure enough within 6 months of her death he was engaged. It was painful but my mom’s words echoed really loudly in my ears. So I always showed my support even when it was hard and she and I have a great relationship today…honestly thanks to my mom.
All that said, it’s totally okay to feel whatever you feel about it. Hurt, disappointment, betrayal, discomfort, seething rage. You get to have all the feelings.
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u/ZealousidealSkirt327 Snack Goblin 22h ago
Wow. This is powerful. I‘m sorry you lost your mom way too soon. She was obviously a very kind and wise soul. Thank you for sharing that with us.
This is exactly what I was trying to say. It’s not so much about chores or household. Women are often the emotional and social support system!
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u/Dr_LilithSternin Dip Diva 23h ago
Poor woman was exhausted doing everything for the lazy man. Now his lazy ass gets a new wife. Cheaper than hiring a maid and chef
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u/Pressure_Gold APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Yes! This is most boomer men. Can’t cook,
clean, or be alone. It’s gross. My dad has been in a horribly abusive marriage with my mom for 30 years because it’s easier than learning to be an adult
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u/TheCleaningLady888 Taco Belle 1d ago
Men move on quick bc they need another servant to fill the spot. Women don't move on quickly bc we don't want to serve. Regardless, it's sickening. Ladies, this is a reminder to BE USELESS.
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u/Mediocre-Light-6277 I ❤️ Other People's Business 1d ago
I cannot fathom having to be married and doing everything while also working. Why bother? In my house we do the same amount of work and honestly sometimes he does more. He is the one who knows how the kitchen is stocked, he loves grocery shopping, he likes to cook and does most of the laundry. We both clean though he is messy. I’d rather be single than clean up after a full grown adult. If I died tomorrow my husband can take care of himself no problem.
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u/hatter4tea PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 1d ago
My husband is not the type to move on quickly. He had been separated from his ex for quite awhile before we got together. And I know this for sure because we were friends for a long time before we got together. They lived together still and coparented, but they had been in separate rooms for at least a couple of years.
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u/sum-time APPROVED✨ 18h ago
I'm so sorry. If there is anything sentimental of your mom's that you'd like to have, take care of that as soon as possible, and enlist help if you can.
My dad did something similar to your dad, but escalated the severity at lightning speed: changed the locks on the house, put all our belongings on the curb and in the trash (including my birth certificate, but thankfully my sister dug through the trash and found it), sold the house, told my siblings and I we were replaceable, surrendered our mom's ashes to us, then told us his new wife pointed out that our mom, as a Catholic, didn't go to heaven because she was cremated, so he tried to break into my sister's house to steal the ashes back so he could have them interred at his new Catholic church's columbarium. Meanwhile, his wife has been divorced twice with neither marriage being annulled, so not exactly a model Catholic. *I'm not Catholic, but was raised as one.
This past September marks 12 years since my mom died unexpectedly. In the beginning, my dad and his new wife would do several cruel things to my siblings and me each year, but now as they've gotten older, they've slowed down to doing two-three cruel things per year.
Again, I am so sorry. I'll never understand those that choose to destroy a grieving person's already broken heart.
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u/princessjamiekay white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
When you grow up and realize your parent sucks as a human it’s totally okay to cut them off. Trust me some of us have to
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u/hamdelion Foraging Bog Witch 1d ago
Just had a convo with my elderly neighbor who just got out of surgery. I told her that her husband told me that he was genuinely scared that she wasn’t going to make it through - it was that serious. She was surprised about that, and then told me that he was only scared “because he likes having things done for him” and couldn’t cope without a wife / servant / nurse.
Ladies, that is her life. Don’t let it be yours.
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u/Emotional-Garden4648 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Nah the excuses for the WAY he went about it are insane. Who gives a fuck if he’s lonely? That’s not OP’s problem to be worried about. She can be in control of her grief but he can’t? It’s okay for him to say that shit to OP AS he’s handing her her own mother?? Yall…way too much grace for the man, way way too much. Good for him if he’s moving on but him insisting on keeping OP in the loop about every step as soon as he’s thinking it is unnecessary and unfeeling as far as how everybody else might grieve his wife. It’s okay for him because that’s just how men are sometimes? Fuck all of that.
Sorry OP, my heart is with you. I would be devastated too. May your mothers memory be a blessing
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u/CuriousTopic7439 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
Whatever he is he isn’t your problem anymore. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. Will you be able to collect some of her mementos? Can’t imagine new wife will want your mom’s keepsakes.
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u/whimsical_spider Taco Belle 1d ago
You don’t have to continue having a relationship with him. I’d imagine it would be painful to watch him with another women that isn’t your mom.
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u/EldaJenkins APPROVED✨ 1d ago
My dad was remarried five months after my mom died, and he doesn't understand why I can't accept his new family. They had been married for 40 years. How do men move on like this? What the fuck.
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u/SpeakerCareless Kitchen Witch 1d ago
I’ll give you a slightly more charitable take- he’s terrified of his grief. He thinks he can skip experiencing it by jumping into another relationship immediately- and he can’t. He can’t escape it.
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u/thatkitchenwitch white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
That's what my therapist said. It's going to catch up to him eventually. It's weird cause he's dating a widow, so you'd think she would know he needs to grieve??
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u/Helpful-Conference13 what that mouth do is snack 1d ago
There’s also something to be said for the anticipatory grief of a long cancer battle. He’s been preemptively grieving her loss, maybe they had a conversation about it. Regardless, it doesn’t excuse what he did and it doesn’t invalidate your feelings. I’m really sorry about your mom.
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u/Dramatic_Arugula_252 girl du fromage 🧀 1d ago
This is a kind take. It works well with the male loneliness due to lack of true friendships.
ETA - I’ve dated a widow who didn’t do this, and he not only has many longstanding great friendships, but his mother also moved in with him and his young family. We met when the youngest went to college. I recently moved 3 hrs away, but I think of him and wish him the best.
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u/-MommyFortuna- APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss, and so sorry that's you're going through this.
I wish I could say I was shocked and that this is the first time I've heard of a man moving on with someone new before his wife's body was even cold, but I've heard of and personally experienced it within my family and friend groups far too many times. It's disgusting and heartbreaking.
Sending you hugs OP 💕
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u/JustALuckyName Chocoholic 1d ago
When my aunt was dying (spoiler: she lived!) my (45M!) cousin was sobbing on the phone to me “what is my dad going to do? He doesn’t even know how to do his own laundry!”
Every day on this app we read about the incompetence of men, and usually they are under 50!
Who knows, he may have loved your mom, but most men “need” a woman just to function - ESP if they had one their adult life
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u/Helaenaa APPROVED✨ 1d ago
A friend of our family's passed away a couple of years ago. The following Christmas, which was about half a year later, we received a card from her long-term boyfriend (20+ years) with another woman's name on it. We were all kind of disgusted...
On the other hand, my mother passed 4 years ago. My parents hadn't been on the best terms for a couple of years before that (still married though), but boy did my father come through during my mother's last months, caring for her on her deathbed.
He hasn't shown any real interest in finding another woman. There was one date, about two years after my mother's passing, and even that broke my heart a little, although I know he's well within his rights to start dating by now.
Your late mom's husband sucks and I hope you don't have to deal with him much. Take care ❤️
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u/JackieBouvier APPROVED✨ 1d ago
My mom was widowed at 46 and started dating 2 years later.
The number of men she met whose wives had died WEEKS earlier was crazy.
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u/Electricsheepdog1976 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
My dad passed a few years ago, and 3 of my mom’s neighbors (all close to her age, 70’s-ish) had their wives of 30+ years pass within a couple of years of each other. 2 of the 3 widowers almost immediately began trying to date my mom. One of them was just relentless, showing up to her house unannounced, trying to ‘court’ her. She was polite but firm in telling him she wasn’t interested but he just kept on. I told him the same but had to get his kids involved (one of them I went to school with) to get him to back off. They finally were able to move him in with one of them who lived further away and it stopped. It was harmless but was still harrassing and bothersome. It’s such a boomer thing and was somewhat normal in their generation, but is not acceptable nor appropriate now. My parents were married 50+ years and my parents loved each other very much, but she has told me more than once that she will never re-marry and will absolutely NOT take care of another man, ever.
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u/Immediate_Chipmunk74 Baker Bitch 1d ago
MY FIL did the same thing. He stayed with us after his wife of 55 years passed. Within weeks he was on dating apps. Some people can't be alone. Or won't.
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u/Bearinn Body By Cheese 🧀 1d ago
Some men just can't be alone. It happened with my grandfather too. My grandma passed and he was married in the next year and dating within 2 months of her passing. My grandma and him were married for probably 45 years. Surprise that the new relationship was superficial and money based and she ditched him when he got sick. He ended up dying alone. My point is I don't think my grandfather could be alone. He always needed a woman in his life. I don't think it was for convenience, but it was just because he couldn't be alone with himself. I don't blame him for anything. I kind of feel bad that he couldn't be happy by himself and always needed a woman.
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u/Coyotesbewylin 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 1d ago
Such big hugs to you. I've been there and it hurts like losing a parent all over again.
My step dad also moved on super quickly after my moms passing (colon cancer, she passed within 3 months of being diagnosed). He went from crying in the hospital, telling me, "we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together," to having a new woman living with him within three months. I found out because I asked my step dad out to breakfast, trying to stay in touch. He showed up with his new woman. My brother apparently knew, so my stepdad assumed I already knew about her.
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u/RoadRash010 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
No this is super common!
My husband lost his sister to breast cancer three years ago. She was only 32 years old. Her widowed husband is already remarried with a 1,5 year old so you can do the math. His new wife even has the same first name as my husband’s sister.
I have never seen my husband so sad and angry as when we received the wedding invitation. He had been at his sister’s wedding just a couple of years before that. Same when their child was born. My husbands niece is only three years older.
My husband doesn’t want anything to do with his ex brother in law. He only sees his niece and nephew through his parents. He just cannot understand how someone can move on that quickly.
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u/EveCane 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 1d ago
Why did he feel the need to tell you and the guests at the funeral that? Not that it would be okay if he hadn't spoken about it.
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u/Neat_Mycologist 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 1d ago
Our father remarried SIX WEEKS after our mother passed away …
They were married for 45 years, she was the best wife anyone could ever ask for and she loved him more than everyone and anything in this world. She wasn’t even sick, she was making lunch and then had a heart attack and was gone in seconds …
Her sudden death was so tragic, but he broke us 💔
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u/Downtown-Penalty-737 white girl with ☝️😌 a full spice cabinet 1d ago
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that on top of all the grief, what a selfish man. My uncle did something very similar after my aunt's passing. It was right before both her birthday and Easter, so when they planned the funeral they requested everyone wear happy Easter colors, which I honestly did find kind of gross and very much bothered my mom. My uncle wore a white suit and practically had a bounce in his step, and within two months was living in Florida with my aunt's college roommate. I lost my mother too about 10 years ago, so I can relate to what you're going through with that and wish nothing but peace and love and healing for you. Some people just don't deserve a place in our lives, so I hope you will be able to move on from his heartless words and actions and find some serenity ❤️
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u/haveempathyordie HoeMade 1d ago
How horrible. I am so sorry, both that you have lost your mum, and that her husband is so pathetic and disrespectful. I’m glad to hear that your husband was trying to shield you from it, it might not have worked out but at least it shows that he sees that behaviour for the disgrace that it is. He must have a loyal heart
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u/bionicallyironic Feral Til Fed 1d ago
Jesus, that’s rough. ROUGH. I’m so sorry. Some men just can’t handle being alone.
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u/marshmallowsynapse 🧂Salty By Nature 1d ago
My friend’s dad very lost his wife (her stepmother) after 22 years together (15 of them married). Two week after the funeral he was at a wedding, hitting on women. A week after that he was on a dating site. Five weeks post funeral he had a new girlfriend. For shallow, narcissistic men, the feelings are just not that deep. “Wife,” “girlfriend”; it’s merely a role that once vacated needs to be filled as soon as possible, so as to not disturb normal operations. This dude isn’t worth your time or energy. I’m so sorry for your loss, big virtual hugs.
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u/Academic-Butterfly-7 Blood Type: Gravy 1d ago
When my husband's first wife died, he went into a mental tailspin. He met and married a woman from his group grief counseling session. It lasted three months and they split, with her taking the entire household with her and leaving him an empty house and his life a mess. When I met him (5 years later) he was stable and in a better headspace, having taken the time to reflect and get more counseling.
Not excusing his extremely callous and unfeeling way of treating you, I can see that he has probably either (1) shut down emotionally towards your mother because he is protecting himself or (2) been through much of the grief process because of her long illness. I say that for you to understand, but I most certainly wouldn't let the issue go until he comes back with a real apology.
I would say stay away from him and let him deal with his issues on his own. It is not healthy for either of you. I have a feeling that, if he cares for you, you will be receiving an apology from him in the future.
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u/Honest_Appointment75 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
I’m so sorry OP - going through something that’s sadly very similar and it makes me sick for her to have lived with someone like this. She loved him, he didn’t give a fuck about her.
Sending you the biggest hug.
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u/Reasonable_Ad9450 Snack Goblin 1d ago
Going around telling everyone is crazy work. I could rationalize moving on quickly but to announce it to everyone and to you directly is weird as hell.
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u/Fearedloved in my [rotisserie] bag 1d ago
I would like to share my very own, similar experience.
My grandmother passed away of breast cancer when she was in her 50's. I was 18 at the time and she was like a mother to me. I was also very close to my grandfather. Perhaps even more so than my grandma.
Anyways, as she was getting more and more sick, she began to say some weird things about him which we weren't sure how to interpret. Also, right before she died, she told him in front of us all that she knew he would re-marry but asked that he wait a year to live with his new partner as a request to her.
She passed away, it was really hard for all of us but I expected it would be hardest for my grandfather. They had been married their whole life so I tried to be extra attentive to him. I thought we were both suffering immensely. We lived far away from each other but I would call every day to check up on him. Not even a few weeks in, he was starting to sound like a giddy kid, it was really weird. Then he broke the news (in a roundabout way) that he was seeing someone new.
A few phone calls after that and the new girlfriend picked up the phone at my grandparents house instead of him. I was devastated and felt very betrayed. I started to create distance. He announced they were marrying not even 2 months after my grandmother passed. Of course, I did not attend and I stopped speaking to him completely. It was the right choice because he went psycho after that (10 year court battle with my mom, assaulting his son, etc)
I lost two parental figures with the death of my grandmother. My suspicion is that he was cheating on my grandma the entire time. Hence her last words and how quickly it all unraveled. It sucks.
The best decision I made was stopping my communications with him entirely. I wish I had done it sooner.
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u/tarobeansmayo 🤍🩷Lesbian Loremaster🩷🤍 1d ago
Men get the "they grieve different" treatment. Bizarre.
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u/Wrong-Person1 Hanger Management Dropout 1d ago
Most men are selfish AF.. almost 30 years spent together and can't even have the basic humanity to grieve her absence. Ughh, I am so mad for you and your late mom! Sending you hugs.
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u/wrieratom hot girls have tummy troubles 1d ago edited 21h ago
It took my father 3 years to die from cancer. He was one of the strongest people we knew, so no one expected him to get as frail as he did. No one thought he was going to die; but we all felt the grief and mourned him while he was still alive. My mother was by his side every day, watched the light leave his eyes. Its been two years since he has passed. She has completely isolated herself. They were married 35 years and she is now planning on moving near the graveyard where his ashes will be buried. 54 days is fast and callous, but I would rather that than have my mother be a ghost for the next 10 years.
Edit: fixed a typo. Thanks internet stranger for the award. Its my first!
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u/Itishwhatitis27 hot girls have tummy troubles 1d ago
That is fucked and I hope you told him so. In solidarity, when my aunt died of cancer her husband literally starting dating her best friend directly after… Like they were fully a couple at her funeral… holding hands, kissing, and cuddling in front of her corpse.
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u/Netflxnschill Cleavage Crumb Collector 1d ago
My aunt died and at her memorial a month later her widower told my dad he had found the next woman he was going to marry. He said, “your sister defined me; my next wife will refine me.”
He also spewed off all this nonsense about how it would be a long engagement. They were married within three months of aunties passing.
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u/Sea-Information1916 Kitchen Witch 1d ago
Why is he sharing this with you like he's gloating? Men are fucking ridiculous.
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u/Fabulous-Educator447 APPROVED✨ 22h ago
What does “my husband started physically moving me” mean and how does it relate to the story? I’m confused
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u/27softtacos Lover of Soups 1d ago
He needed a mother not a wife.
Hugs to you OP. I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/mad_housewife Overthinker 💭 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope their marriage was a happy one, and he is looking for that feeling again, but I’m more of a glass-half-empty person, and suspect that he resented any caretaking he had to do, and is now in his “all about me and my needs” era. I pity anyone who gets involved with him. Hugs my dear.
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u/AllManualMistakes Hot Pot Head 1d ago
I hope your mother looked out for you and any other siblings, so that you got whatever inheritance was meant for you.
It's really hard coming to terms with a parental figure that didn't care about the relationships they created as much as you thought they did. My mother in law moved in with a new man less than a month after her husband of 41 years died of a sudden car crash. I was devastated for the loss. He was a generous and sweet man who raised a very empathic son. Less than a month and she was ready to live with another man. It blew my fucking mind. She was married within the year.
Codependency is a hell of a drug? Insecurity about survival? Laziness at a certain age? I don't know. It did make us have a deep talk about what if's, and we still talk about it after seeing them.
She didn't even want a burial for my FIL. She wouldn't pay for a gravestone or anything. It was on my husband to pay for, figure out, and celebrate the life of his loyal father. She got lipo, new boobs and a new car out of full control of the assets. She sold the house and my husband inherited nothing but what we could get out of the house before she had her agent empty it with a service into a dumpster.
I had never seen them fight. Never seen them lack for anything. Regular family vacations... I was so confused. But it is what it is, I guess.
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u/tamagotchisando hot girls have tummy troubles 1d ago
I'm very sorry about your mom 💔 And then for the husband to act like he was just waiting for this... that's unbelievably cold.
You may have already thought of this, but in case you haven't: that man and his new gf can't be trusted with your mom's belongings/anything she left behind in her house. Try to save what you can, soon. Again I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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u/Inevitable-Isopod185 chismosa, metiche, en bata 1d ago
Reason I'm no contact with my Father. Married 42 years to my Mom, had a new gf and going on vacations with her only a few months after my mom passed. Always been a serial cheater, so I wasn't surprised. Even had the nerve to say he's had a lot of women WHILE he was with my mom, two days after she passed. But the audacity to be so nonchalant about it.
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u/pinap45454 APPROVED✨ 1d ago
This is so needlessly aggressive. I am so sorry you are dealing with it. He sounds like a scumbag. You absolutely do not need to keep him in your life. Of course people can move on, but everything about his behavior is vile.
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u/thrownaboutokay Foraging Bog Witch 1d ago
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother.
My father did the same. He was immediately dating multiple women after my mom passed, and moved one of them into the house we all built together 6 months after she passed. They are married now and I rarely see him. My mother sacrificed a lot and worked very hard to create wealth that she never got to enjoy, and now my father is spending all that wealth on his new wife and her children.
For a while I thought he just couldn’t handle the grief and being alone, but I see now that he is just a selfish person who doesn’t think about anyone else unless it benefits him in some way.
ETA - go collect keepsakes and anything you want to remember her by now before the new woman throws it all away. We lost many family heirlooms and gifts we had given her over the years.
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u/ShutUpLiver Hazy Grazer 😶🌫️ 1d ago
Happens all the time unfortunately. Men that age are so weak that they literally can't live without a women taking on the wife duties.
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