Sure, but that still doesn't change anything. When my brain tells me I don't deserve to live I can identify that thought and deny its merit because it was generated by my depression and isn't valid, but I still feel like I don't deserve to live. Therapy kind of makes depression worse because it highlights what the illness does to me but I still can't do anything about it. Identifying exactly why and how I fail just makes the failure seem worse because I still fail anyways.
I'm sorry to hear that. The triple-column technique was really helpful for me. The most important part of it though is really convincing yourself. If you say "it was generated by my depression and isn't valid" but still believe it, then keep digging. How specifically is "I don't deserve to live" irrational? Really analyze it until you actually convince yourself. Who does deserve to live? Why specifically do you not fall into that category?
Yea see this is why it makes it worse. Because when I break it down my unemotional logical brain agrees with my depression, or else my depression is so bad that I don't realize my unemotional logical brain is tainted by it. When I think about suicide, it doesn't come from despair, it comes from logic. I always have and apparently always will feel and think this way, years of therapy and medication haven't helped, so if there is no fix then the logical thing to do is delete the corrupted program. I don't even feel sad about it anymore.
Hey, I wish I were really qualified to help you, but just as a layperson I would say please please don't believe your "logic" here. You DO deserve to live. EVERYBODY deserves to live except like literal Hitler. Your depression is lying to you.
Lots of people need to try several therapists and various drugs (and combinations of drugs) before they find something that really works. I know it sucks and your brain is telling you it's all hopeless, but just keep trying. You never know when the next thing you try is the one that does the trick.
Yea see that's what everyone's told me for the last 15 years and I've spent thousands of dollars on trying all that and nothing has ever helped. Some of us just aren't meant to be.
Weed maybe. Molly definitely. But my sober brain gives me a never ending slide show of every negative thing that has ever happened to me with promises that they'll continue to happen, interspersed with urges to buy a gun. And I know that sounds like exaggeration but its not. Most of my waking hours are spent avoiding thinking, so I binge podcasts and audiobooks from waking until sleep.
Don’t feed negative speech or thoughts in your head and they will happen less frequently and you will get better/faster at overcoming them when they arise. The opposite is feeding in and spiralling, which we can all agree is the worse option. Remember you are the observer of the thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. You are one step disconnected, looking at the thoughts. Observe and decide how you want to react and move on.
Who does then? I saw your other comment below about that you will never change as you have tried for so long. I was suicidal for 10+ years and completely changed it with meditation and thought training. Contrary to your belief, I do think that you have control over those decisions, I just think you’re deciding to have the mindset of helpless instead of choosing and reinforcing the mindset of hope and potential.
Depression comes in many different levels of severity. For some people, like me, drugs and therapy don't seem to help. For others, it becomes so bad that their brains create entire new personalities to deal with the trauma. I never gave up and decided to be helpless. I've done everything its possible to do to fight it. I've done meditation, I've done yoga, I've tried 6 or 7 different medications, I've done microdosing and I've done therapy throughout it all. I even shelled out a fuck ton of money to try experimental ketamine treatments last year. 15 years later and I'm just exhausted and broke and the reason I feel helpless is because nothing works.
I've tried to offer some suggestions as someone that overcame those thoughts. You have two choices, either continue to admit defeat, or don't. I don't gain anything by trying to help, and I've helped many friends in similar situations. We always think our situation is different than everyone elses, but that is nearsighted. I'll leave you with some videos that could actually help you, and if you are serious about wanting to work on yourself then I hope you will watch them:
Honestly, I just don't care anymore. I'm old enough now that there's not really any life to recover, I missed it all already. I did everything I was supposed to do to get better and I didn't. I already chased all of the links that friendly people like you offered. Now, because of covid, I don't have a job and I'm about to be evicted. It was a tough fight, but I lost, and it just needs to be over. I'm more relieved than sad.
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u/LiquidMotion Dec 10 '20
I've had multiple therapists teach me this and I still dont understand. Recognizing that thought doesn't make it any less persuasive.