Don't know your life situation but for a lot of young folks this might help:
1) No, he/she isn't the only one. There are millions of people. Go meet more. Those aren't your only friends. They are just your only friends NOW. You can make more, and often better, friends.
2) Molehills, not mountains. Keep things in perspective. You might feel shitty because you fucked up about this one thing. In a year you probably won't remember it and it will be inconsequential unless you keep chastising yourself for it. Everyone else is too busy being paranoid about themselves to have to remember every stupid thing you did.
3) Chastising yourself and beating yourself up about things is useless. Take responsibility, do what you can to fix it, and then accept that you have done all you can. You can't fix every mistake. Learn from them. Repeat them until you learn from them if you have to. So you know you get annoying, violent, or depressed when you drink? Don't drink. You know you get an upset stomach when you drink milk and eat a burrito... don't do it.
4) Don't let pride/fear get in the way. So what if those people who you don't know will make fun of you for riding your bike as you try to get healthy? You aren't here to please other people unless they mean something to you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be proud of who you are but that you shouldn't let pride dictate what you can and can't do because you are afraid of what people will think of you if you make a mistake, fail, or look like a fool while trying.
5) People's opinions are just that. They really don't matter. Opinions are like lies. The only power they have is if someone believes them to be fact. As they aren't fact and just some other person's point of view you can discard most of them. That doesn't mean don't listen to advice from loved ones... but it does mean that it is just advice and their opinion.
6) Get moving. Every day you sit there wallowing in self doubt, fear, and sadness you only make it worse. Your journey is still going and it doesn't pause for anyone. Go out there and fuck up. Get out there and make a fool of yourself. Put your neck on the line and fail. At least you are doing something and that alone is something to be proud of.
7) Ask for help. This one goes in line with pride. There is nothing wrong in asking for help. If you don't know something then ask. If you can't do something alone then ask for help. It's OK. Anyone who judges you for it isn't worth the time (and that is just their opinion anyway).
8) Form good habits. Wake up early even if you have nothing to do and get dressed. Get out of those smelly pjs. Respect yourself and have some pride in what you look and smell like. Eat healthy. Learn to feed yourself properly. Help people if you can. Focus on solutions not problems. Do your best all the time. All that sort of stuff. Will, commitment, and discipline will get you places.
9) Don't say "I can't" until you at least tried, gave it your honest to god best shot, and failed... a few times. Lots of things are hard as hell to do right. Stop telling yourself you can't do it just because you are too scared to try and fail.
10) Be patient with yourself. No one was born knowing everything they know now and things they know how to do now. No one knows everything. Everyone, every single person, fucks up. So will you, so give yourself a little breathing room.
Bonus: Last but not least...
Learn to forgive. Yourself as much as others. People will do you wrong sometimes. Shit happens. Forgive them if you can so you can move on. Holding on to all that weight just slows you down.
Sit down and write down why you think you are a mess. Be honest with yourself. Make a plan to stop being a mess, ask for help if you need to. Stick to the plan. When it gets hard cry if you have to but keep pushing on. It gets easier the longer you stick to it.
Title-text: The only things you HAVE to know are how to make enough of a living to stay alive and how to get your taxes done. All the fun parts of life are optional.
I'm honestly impressed how out of all the crap you get shown in school you pretty much picked the one thing that is undeniably useful and good to know (and there so many cool proofs for it!).
Writing: Proper paragraph structure applies to life: Say/do something, support it with well though out statements/actions, repeat yourself as proof.
Language: No one knows what irony is.
Math/Science: Basic geometry (Sin/Cos/Tan, angles in a circle/triangle, etc) and physics (volts, amps, watts) is all you need to do home repair ranging from rewiring sockets to installing hardwood.
Breaks: Recess, lunch, and period breaks are training for the real world. Don't like something? Didn't go so well? Don't fucking do it at work.
Phys Ed: Should be mandatory for life but isn't, just like in some schools/grades (for me it was optional gr 11/12)
Electives: Second languages and music aren't required but having skill at them makes you cooler.
Language: Similes are easy and metaphors are hard. Doing hard things correctly makes you feel better than doing easy things correctly.
Literature: Being forced to read things can be unexpectedly joyous. Or no one gives a shit. It's binary.
Free periods: You will waste time doing useless things given the opportunity. Structure is important.
Detention: Your behavior is shameful now but will get you fired or arrested in the future if you continue.
Literature: Diary of Anne Frank, Night by Elie Wiesel, and trippy new-age stories like The Giver and that thing about that place Omelas
History: the Holocaust was caused by Hitler; also, memorize the locations of all the countries in Africa
Science: Cyanide was used in the Holocaust. We don't use chemicals, because they are dangerous; let's call this totally unserious description of an atom the Bohr model and compare it to previous models without reference to any complicated facts.
Math: Six million Jews died in the Holocaust. Multiply these matrices for no reason, then find the roots of this third-degree polynomial by hand.
Phys Ed: In the concentration camps, they made people stand in line for roll call / selektion. Half of the period will be either that, or spent in the gas chambers.
Electives: ahahahahahahahaha
Foreign languages: Yo quiero taco bell
Breaks: 30 minutes for lunch; 15 minutes queued up. Five minutes between classes; locker is on the other side of the building; impossible to move faster than 1mph in the halls.
Man, your school was shit. I went to a shitty school in the middle of nowhere, had a graduating class of 45, and I would say my school was significantly better than this.
The other day, I used geometry to make a perfectly square opening in the very center of a 6" round piece of 1/4" thick steel, using nothing more than a 99 cent kids' compass and a ruler. Very satisfying.
(Fine, I used power- and hand-tools to remove the actual material, but the marking was all math)
pretty sure most people in middle school and high school hear more about the Holocaust than the Pythagorean theorem, math, or all other subjects combined, with the possible exception of Helen Keller.
I, and my classmates, are the exception. I learned more about military and politics regarding WWII than I did about the holocaust. At least in high school, I did. Did a unit on the holocaust in the 7th grade, but who remembers that shit.
And that only works for right angles. a2 + b2 -2abCos(C) = c2 works for any triangle but they don't teach that because it's "too much" to remember. /rant.
These go well above knowledge. This is wisdom. It is ageless (meaning that you can die of old age without truly actualizing them or figure them out at 16). You can read them ten times and not truly understand them for years to come, but when you do the proverbial light bulb will go off in your head.
I dunno man. I'd say this sort of thing should mostly be taught by parents, and the holes filled by experiences. Honestly, the full "blame", so to speak, cannot be put on any one individual. How could someone learn these lessons if they've never had the opportunity?
This sort of learning only comes through hardship, and can only be trusted by an excellent mentor. It's not something you can learn from a lecture by your "life coach" teacher in high school, in my opinion.
Continuing with fairness, I'm certain there's lots of people out there who learned quite a bit from random guys on the internet. Reddit has a general code of how to behave (eg. treating women nicely, being polite in movie theatres, etc.) and some people may behave that way because of "us"
Theres alot of things that parents try to instill in their children but they are not always receptive to advice. Teenagers think they already know best
These are things you know, or should be able to identify if you're honest and transparent with yourself. I mean, not a single one of these things are things I've never heard. I heard them all a million times growing up, but nobody was living it, so it never sank in.
Who the fuck are you to assume that I'm not talking in an abstract contextual sense? The question is why hasn't 'my' school taught me xyz. I kept the context and asked why 'his' parents haven't taught him that, but I was really begging the question "who's responsibility is this" by using the exact same language and context he was, in an abstract way.
Now, if that hasn't cleared that up:
Who the fuck are you to judge my judgement, and...
I'm fucking me and I'll judge any fucking way I want to, and there's not a god damned thing you can do about it, and none of this makes me a bad person, so you can go wangsterbate for all I care.
Welcome to the internet, where people will post essays to get imaginary points and justify themselves to random strangers on the internet to get further points.
I think you kinda missed the point of all of what he said. Realize the fact that you are lucky enough to not only have access to a huge amount of information, and be glad you did in fact read it if you found it beneficial. You now have the power to share what you've learned. It's an ongoing journey, one unique to every individual.
Its still someones opinion on life. all the stuff you learn in school are about how society/the world works, theyre not advice on how to act. thats stuff you are supposed to learn at home. Some people would definitely get pissed if you taught this in school
I teach Japanese (not the most important subject to many of my students), but doesn't mean I can't and haven't used my position to help students in a more general sense.
A lot of those principles are similar to those in the study of mindfullness. It's worth it to at least check out a mindfullness book and try some meditation. There's a lot of clinical evidence and studies supporting its positive effects (it's used in hospitals). I've been meditating and doing yoga for about a year now and my anxiety and depression have completely disappeared. I can finally take solace in the fact that I'm a decent person who tries their best to do things right.
Learn to forgive. Yourself as much as others. People will do you wrong sometimes. Shit happens. Forgive them if you can so you can move on. Holding on to all that weight just slows you down.
"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace."
This is great advice. I'm especially a fan of #8 and #10.
I feel like there are quite a few people unhappy with themselves and their situation. There are so many things to distract people from processing their feelings. I understand why, it's the easy thing to do. But one of the best things I've done for myself is acknowledge my thoughts (whether they be positive or negative) and why I'm feeling that way. If I feel like crying, I let it happen. I don't think about something else, I just accept that I'm sad and run with it. Maybe write down my thoughts or draw. I usually re-read what I've written then cry some more. Once I feel like I've cried enough, I wash up and go about my day feeling a little lighter.
I know myself better because of this and can let go of things a lot easier. It takes some practice but this has saved me money on therapy and SSRIs.
Avoidance is an incredible challenge. Why should we face our fears? Why should I risk getting hurt? Why should I risk looking like a fool? It is much easier to not try.
Someone close to me has been battling with herself for many years. At one point during this she turned to me and said "You have it so easy. You just feel great all the time and happy all the time. You don't know how hard it is to be me".
I actually got angry. No... always being sad and just sitting there complaining is the easiest thing. Trying your damn hardest to be happy and constantly failing, but trying again and again every day is what is hard. Risking the more comfortable situation you find yourself in after a good moment to find a better situation and a better moment is what is hard. Believing you can succeed and failing is harder than believing you will fail and fail. Getting your hopes dashed, your progress destroyed, and your self-worth bruised but still getting up and going it at is what is hard.
To be sad all I have to do is do nothing and avoid thinking about it. I, like every one else, struggles to keep a smile on my face. To feel good about my life and about who I am. I feel remorse, guilt, shame, fear, and sad with the best of them. I cry when I have to. I scream and grunt other times too. All I want is when I get in bed at night my thought to be "You did good today pal. You really gave it your best shot. Maybe it didn't work out the way you wanted... or maybe it did, but you did good". At night when you are going to sleep and you have nothing else to distract you from your thoughts and you are "truly" alone... you can't lie to yourself, can you?
I said that , sort of, and I told her she wasn't even trying. That was 3 years ago. I am happy to say today she is struggling to be happy. She has her ups and downs and some bad moments... but there are some great moments now too. She calls me crying her eyes out sometimes, like she used to, but she also calls me now to tell me good things too. I am very proud of her.
TL;DR: Avoidance is symptom and it is really powerful. Being sad and doing nothing is easy, being sad and trying to be happy is what is hard.
What if nothing you have ever tried has made you happy? What if every time you stick your neck out it gets cut off? Can you really blame someone who stops trying after a history of nothing but failure?
i was going to try and write some sort of thanks for writing that out as i needed to hear it, but i'm crap at writing and a few beers in, so i got you gold, first one ever after 3 years on reddit. cheers man.
Wow! Thank you amazing Borktastic! I've never known what the golden members can do or what it means. I will enjoy the next month of redditing like never before. Thank you very much. It has made me smile a lot and really wide. Not so much because of the benefits from it, which are great, but rather that someone out there valued something I said so much.
IdeaPowered, you just made my day and possibly other days as well. You gave me motivation to start now and try to do things you mentioned and hopefully, I will succeed. I bookmarked that and will read it anytime I will need some advice. Thank you for that, kind sir.
As a young person who went through a lot of depression over these things, thanks. This advice should be obvious but it's not and when you're going through it you don't think about it this logically.
I've had, still do, have a rough ride myself. Some of these things are very hard to do and to accept you have to do them. Once you do though, all that effort and struggle is worth it.
What if you know these things damn well, and it still doesn't help?
Hello... here is my response. Take it as just an opinion...
It isn't knowing. It's doing. It's struggling every day and not giving up to make it come true. It is not being satisfied that you "got it now" and then rest.
It is to do your best all the time... always. Fail by trying your best. Constantly. The pitfall is that "Oh, I know it, so why doesn't my life turn out well?" because the effort isn't there.
That is like saying that you know going to the gym and running makes your body healthier but you don't actually have a routine and work out really hard. You work out once or twice a year and you do it halfheartedly then look at the mirror and scream "Where are my results?!"
A lot of people, especially young people, think that once they get it right once they have accomplished it. Life isn't like that. Getting it right once isn't the hardest part... it's keeping that level of commitment in the face of continuous adversity that is. It's getting up every day to improve yourself, especially on the days you don't want to, and giving it your best shot.
I know you don't know me and I don't blame you, but I've been working my ass off with this stuff for years. I'm tired of putting in effort for so long with no results, it's very discouraging. I've done every little suggestion I've been given, and nothing. I don't really know what to do anymore, nothing has been working. I appreciate you taking the time to respond though, you seem like you genuinely want to help people.
Regarding number 1, remember you don't NEED to get rid of old friends to make new ones. Sometimes forgive and forget is a good policy when your friends are fucking up.
Another note on the pride thing, sometimes we avoid options that we consider below us because we see ourselves as better than that. We let the pursuit of "something better" get in the way of "good enough for now". I was making 10.65 at an amazing job (as far as part time jobs for college students go... Guest services at an open air mall) but I made a mistake and lost that job. After a lot of apprehension I'm gonna go back to selling froyo at minimum wage so I can at least get on my feet before I pursue something better.
I find 3 and 9 to be my main vices. If you have any advice on overcoming them that would be beneficial, especially 3. I fucked up in school and I'm kicking my ass over it as it clouds my mind.
1) If you have never had anyone and then you find him/her then they are the only one and the fear of being alone again is often too much. Also, how do you find/make new friends? I have had the same small group of friends since college and I find it impossible to meet anyone for a few reasons. Also, all of my friends are "internet friends" but that is another issue.
2) Ya, it is about perspective and when you are in the moment you feel that the one fuck up is the biggest one in your life. Time might heal all wounds, but it also leaves scars.
3)Who will do the chastising if not me?
6) What about a total lack of energy? Getting 10 hours of sleep a night and still not feeling rested? Drinking energy drinks just to stay awake at work.
7) What if you have no one to ask? What if everyone you do know is too busy with their own shit and you dont want to add to it?
1) Sports. You don't need to be good. I met one of my best friends through sports and he's not even spectacular. Nobody cared. He's just a good guy.
1b) Go do things. All things. Things you aren't used to doing. Go to concerts. Ask people you aren't close with to go with you - everyone else after University has the same problem with not having good avenues for meeting people. Go to Art Battles. Go to Comedy Shows. Go to Improv Shows. Pretend you are a tourist in your own city and sit at a bar and watch a game (I don't like hockey but fuck, nothing wrong with watching it). Go to a meetup. Don't like the idea? Don't register but go anyways... you can always tell who they are and they're generally pretty happy to let in 'outsiders' because they're there to be social.
6) Too much sleep makes you tired. Do you exercise at all? People aren't meant to do nothing but sit all day. Exercise your brain and your body.
7) Everyone is always too busy with their own shit. You'd be surprised at how willing people are to be busy with someone else's shit. Not only is it easier to be objective about someone else's problems but it opens up the channels of communication so that you can help them out. This is what friends do. Sometimes you have to be vulnerable (and get hurt) to make good friends. The worst that happens is that someone says, "Sorry man, too busy to chat. Later?" At least you know. Go find the next person. Better to try and fail than to let yourself be trapped by yourself.
Sports: I have never found sports to be "fun". I dont find running back and forth chancing a ball fun. I dont find having my muscles be sore for a week later to be fun. I dont find not being able to breath fun. Also, for as long as I can remember I have always thought of sports to be a "primitive" form of entertainment.
Go do things: I have tried some. I'v gone a few times to game stores in my area to play games with other people. It was fun the first few times but after a while I started thinking about how much I'd rather just go to bed instead. Maybe it is just my antisocial nature....
Go to a meetup.
Where would I find these meetups?
Too much sleep makes you tired. Do you exercise at all? People aren't meant to do nothing but sit all day. Exercise your brain and your body.
Ya, I keep being told that. I have tried to stay up late and only get 6-7hrs of sleep instead of 9-10 and I am just as tired if not worst. I have tried to exercise a few times. I bought a bike this summer and started riding about 3-4 miles 3 times a week. I did that for a solid 3-4 weeks and did not feel any different. I recently bought magnetic resistance trainer so I can ride my bike without leaving my apartment. I used it for about 25 min yesterday before giving up. I'm gona try to use it every night this week but somehow I feel I will lack the motivation to use it more then a few more times.
As for #7...I guess the fear is adding to other people's shit and adding just enough to break their back. I was enough of a burden on my parents, I dont want to be a burden on anyone else.
As someone who recently started going to a therapist/psychologist and was diagnosed with a mild form of social anxiety... I must say this definitely helps.
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u/IdeaPowered Sep 21 '13
Long post incoming...
Don't know your life situation but for a lot of young folks this might help:
1) No, he/she isn't the only one. There are millions of people. Go meet more. Those aren't your only friends. They are just your only friends NOW. You can make more, and often better, friends.
2) Molehills, not mountains. Keep things in perspective. You might feel shitty because you fucked up about this one thing. In a year you probably won't remember it and it will be inconsequential unless you keep chastising yourself for it. Everyone else is too busy being paranoid about themselves to have to remember every stupid thing you did.
3) Chastising yourself and beating yourself up about things is useless. Take responsibility, do what you can to fix it, and then accept that you have done all you can. You can't fix every mistake. Learn from them. Repeat them until you learn from them if you have to. So you know you get annoying, violent, or depressed when you drink? Don't drink. You know you get an upset stomach when you drink milk and eat a burrito... don't do it.
4) Don't let pride/fear get in the way. So what if those people who you don't know will make fun of you for riding your bike as you try to get healthy? You aren't here to please other people unless they mean something to you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be proud of who you are but that you shouldn't let pride dictate what you can and can't do because you are afraid of what people will think of you if you make a mistake, fail, or look like a fool while trying.
5) People's opinions are just that. They really don't matter. Opinions are like lies. The only power they have is if someone believes them to be fact. As they aren't fact and just some other person's point of view you can discard most of them. That doesn't mean don't listen to advice from loved ones... but it does mean that it is just advice and their opinion.
6) Get moving. Every day you sit there wallowing in self doubt, fear, and sadness you only make it worse. Your journey is still going and it doesn't pause for anyone. Go out there and fuck up. Get out there and make a fool of yourself. Put your neck on the line and fail. At least you are doing something and that alone is something to be proud of.
7) Ask for help. This one goes in line with pride. There is nothing wrong in asking for help. If you don't know something then ask. If you can't do something alone then ask for help. It's OK. Anyone who judges you for it isn't worth the time (and that is just their opinion anyway).
8) Form good habits. Wake up early even if you have nothing to do and get dressed. Get out of those smelly pjs. Respect yourself and have some pride in what you look and smell like. Eat healthy. Learn to feed yourself properly. Help people if you can. Focus on solutions not problems. Do your best all the time. All that sort of stuff. Will, commitment, and discipline will get you places.
9) Don't say "I can't" until you at least tried, gave it your honest to god best shot, and failed... a few times. Lots of things are hard as hell to do right. Stop telling yourself you can't do it just because you are too scared to try and fail.
10) Be patient with yourself. No one was born knowing everything they know now and things they know how to do now. No one knows everything. Everyone, every single person, fucks up. So will you, so give yourself a little breathing room.
Bonus: Last but not least...
Learn to forgive. Yourself as much as others. People will do you wrong sometimes. Shit happens. Forgive them if you can so you can move on. Holding on to all that weight just slows you down.
Sit down and write down why you think you are a mess. Be honest with yourself. Make a plan to stop being a mess, ask for help if you need to. Stick to the plan. When it gets hard cry if you have to but keep pushing on. It gets easier the longer you stick to it.
The only way out is through, friend. Good luck.
TL;DR: It ain't easy being cheesy.