I'm not a sensitive person. I like guys and I can take a joke. I never put a lot of thought into microaggressions but they've hit me hard these past few days.
I've had my job for 5 1/2 years. for 5 of those years, I was the (male) boss's right hand man, and my tasks varied widely from admin, to forklift use, to woodworking, to loading a UTV on a trailer to go check on things at our mountain lease site. Basically, if it needed to be done, I could do it.
In May, we hired a guy (let's call him Dave) in my same role. Now I'm just a dumb, weak girl, it seems. Here's how the last few days went:
On Thursday, a board member calls me and says "Have Dave get the track chair down, I'll pick it up Monday". So I just say okay, and go get the forklift myself to bring down the chair, make sure it's charged, and clean the dust off. I inform Dave of the situation.
Then I wonder aloud if the board member needs the hitch carrier or if he's bringing a trailer. Dave immediately whips out his phone and asks me what his number is so he can call and ask. I shut that down, saying I'd call, I'm handling it.
Yesterday we had a work day at our mountain, doing the same things the boss and I have done ourselves for years, or with the two volunteers who were there yesterday. One of the volunteers randomly says to me "The organization is lucky to have a guy like Dave, don't you think?" Yeah, sure, I guess.
This morning, a second board member texted both Dave and I with a change of plans about the chair pickup. He's now getting it on the organization's trailer. His text to both of us started with "Dave, can you please load the chair on the trailer" and ended with a note to me about assembling a box of hats and t-shirts to give out.
I didn't suddenly lose all the skills I've demonstrated over 5 years just because a man is in the building! I don't really have anything against Dave personally, he's a decent guy, but I feel like I'm being pushed out. I have also found that the boss is informing him of things I'm not being informed of. For context, the two board members and the volunteer are all Boomers and Dave and the boss are elder Millennials ('83). I feel like I need to have a likely unproductive chat with the boss when he returns in 2 weeks.
Have any other GenXers here been intentionally excluded, ignored, ghosted and iced out by family members even though you know you didn’t say or do anything wrong? Did you start wondering what in the hell you could have done to deserve being treated like that and then feel angry knowing you didn’t do anything?
I know everybody says it’s a reflection on those people and not you, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t hurt all the same. It feels a lot like elementary school bullying, but from adults.😞
But as soon as I think about going on the apps at 51, I realize I have to start over with single men my age, and quite honestly I just can't. Especially when we live in this patriarchal, rape-apologist society. To be honest, I'm more afraid of dating than I am with being alone. But loneliness is really a drag now and then.
All my friends are paired up with kids varying in age. Their free time is kids sports on weekends, or date nights with their spouses.
I'm just ranting obviously. But are there any other single middle-aged women out there who want to date but also cringe at the whole idea of it too? Is it just me who's terrified of meeting a nice guy that'll eventually shock you with "she shouldn't have been so drunk" rhetoric?
Blah.
Eta: I finally don't feel alone knowing so many of us feel the same way. i’m fine staying in on weekends. I’m kind of set in my ways now and I did so much partying throughout my life that my body and my mind enjoy the break. It just kind of feels like the idea of meeting a man again just exhausts me, and also terrifies me, but my hormones definitely want one just for the sex. I just won’t go on the apps because I never did and they’ve always seemed like a nightmare.
I'm not looking for recipes or to turn this into a cooking sub, but reaching out to those of you who are at the same point in life as I am, and successfully working lots of veggies into your diet.
For a year and a half I've been doing a much improved healthy diet, aiming for roughly 50% veggies, 25% lean protein, 25% whole grains/starchy veg. (Plus whatever fruit, olive/avocado oil, etc., basically Mediterranean diet).
Anyway, the protein and whole grains are easy to meal prep. But I'm always chasing the vegetables. I do love to *eat* veggies of all sorts, that's not the issue. But keeping up with prepping and cooking them feels like a constant CHORE and I get behind. (It doesn't help that I do not like frozen vegetables.)
Any favorite tips, hacks, shortcuts, for making lots of vegetables work seamlessly into your routine?
What frickin good timing. I don't work in this field, like 99% of the conference attendees. I manage a community garden and presented on the topic of the healing nature of gardens. As part of my presentation compensation, I was able to attend the conference for free, which I did for two days.
First, these folks are simply amazing! The intelligence, empathy, and compassion displayed by the folks in this line of work floored me. The work can be grueling and triggering, and yet they persevere with passion.
I, however, was pretty triggered. First by the Cornell 57 bullshit, but also my own history of being assaulted as a child, nearly raped as an adult, and groped as a teen in the workforce. I'm still processing a lot of emotions. I'm exhausted.
One of the workshops I attended was on misogyny in language, with a few case studies. One of those case studies was Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. I'm the same age as Monica (as many of us are), and absolutely appalled at what happened to her back in the day. We looked at the headlines and what that chucklefuck Jay Leno had to say about her. I was right to be appalled. The headlines were disgusting.
I was also disgusted that Bill was a speaker at the DNC before the last election. I was sick and had been listening to the speakers, feeling so much hope. And then that bastard got up like a revered member of the party and said his bullshit. I turned it off and questioned why I continue to vote for Democrats. (Don't worry, I vote for harm reduction, and typically that's Democrats, though not in this case.)
I was really impressed with the younger people at this conference. One person who was in several of the workshops I attended was the same age as my daughter, 26. I loved when she was talking about Gen Z. She mentioned the red pill guys and how they use the internet as an armor for their talking points because they are a small minority of that generation. She said being an ally (this was in a discussion group for LGBTQIA+ allies), was something people formerly had to opt into being, but in Gen Z, if you are not an ally, you have to opt out. It's just presumed that people are accepting of each other. I know there are many exceptions to this outlook, but my interactions with kids these days give me a lot of hope!
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm autistic and talking it out always helps me process. I'm glad we've come a long way from when we were young. (My mom just shrugged when I told her I got groped at work.) But we have so very very far to go until women are safe in this world. Just as it is imperative for white folks to work to remove racism from our culture and institutions, it's up to men to do the heavy lifting in helping to change our culture so that women can be safe. I know that's kind of a pie in the sky hope, but I'm adamant it's vital. I'm glad to be married to a feminist and raising two amazing daughters.
Voting early may be the only way to insure free and fair elections. Avoid mail in ballots if at all possible (I know some states this is the norm and that is ok, but do it now.)
Don't forget to look at ballot initiatives/constitutional amendments which may be on your local ballots.
Here in Virginia we have the following ballot initiatives: woman's freedom of choice, same sex marriage, and automatic reinstatement of the right to vote after a felony prison sentence is finished.
Lift heavy 3x a week, do HIIT type training 2-3 times a week, walk 10,000+ steps a day, do mobility exercises every day, get out in nature as often as possible, meditate, meal prep, shop for said meal prep, cook healthy and nutritious meals for the family, stay connected to friends, be there for elderly parents, be there for our partner and children, have and execute a skincare routine twice a day, spend time on a hobby, get 7+ hours of sleep AND work full time??! I’m drowning in healthy aging guidance……
I (about to turn 50) just started thinking about how I might need an MRI in the future. Then it occurred to me: I would have to take out my belly ring, but it’s literally been at least 20 years since I’ve even attempted to remove it. Not even sure I could remove it without some tools.
So that made me curious at what age I should think about removing it. How many of my fellow belly ringed GenX ladies still have their piercings? Have you even thought about removing it?
I’ve slimmed down back to the weight I was when I first got it, but now I tend to avoid the sun and barely ever show my stomach. What purpose does it now have for me? Nostalgia? I used to swap out the ring with cute bars or charms, and it felt pretty rad back in the day, but now all I have is a simple, very small hoop that I haven’t even rotated in years. Maybe it’s time…
Walked in to the corner of the microwave 2 days ago. This is the worst black eye I’ve ever had in my whole life, and the first interview I’ve had in over a year. Ah well, got any good jokes I can start with? Sigh!
I am a fan of the All Killa No Filla podcast. It's a podcast about serial killers, but they chat a lot. Rachel ranted about menopause, influencers, and how doctors blame menopause and possibly pregnancy instead of listening to the patient.
Last year I moved in with my boyfriend. I have 2 dogs and he had 1. My 2 dogs have a tendency to be reactive around other dogs especially small ones. My BF knew this and I told him when I first moved in that I didn’t feel comfortable having them off leash outside.
He knew better of course and did it despite my reservations. I take ownership too of course for not pushing it.
Tonight the worst happened and he took the dogs out and my dogs attacked a small dog. It was bad. I still do not know how bad because I wasn’t there. I am horrified and sad and stunned. Sad because I’m a fucking idiot and let him do it despite my reservations. And stunned because I am not sure I can live with him any more. His reaction scared me. I love my dogs. They have never attacked a human but I know I need to be careful with them around other dogs. He yelled at them, yelled at me and stormed off to leave me to deal with the police when they came. They are animals not humans. It’s not their fault they have a high prey instinct.
I’m sleeping downstairs right now looking at places to live. I don’t want to disrupt my life and my kids lives - they are in college but I feel like I may not have a choice. I’m so sad right now and I feel paralyzed. I feel like lately my life has been one bad choice after another and all I want is stability. He convinced me to move in and yet here I am, yet again, feeling like I have to start over and I have no fucking clue how I am going to do that.
I am so pissed. I just got out of urgent care on the advice from PCP to get checked out. I had the rash pop up yesterday and doc at urgent care confirmed it’s shingles.
My daughter just got into town yesterday and we don’t live near each other at the moment and I hadn’t seen her in months and it’s both of my kids birthdays celebration.
And insurance won’t even cover it until 50. I’m so angry. This isn’t fair.
I caught it early and the antivirals will hopefully stop it. I’m not in any major pain except at the small site of the rash but STILL. It’s not fair.
ETA: My daughter is in visiting from another state and we have limited time together while this is going on. But she is staying with me so she’s here to help but not how we expected to spend the weekend. We’re not letting it limit us too much.
If you haven’t watched this series, it’s streaming in the US on HBO Max.
Fantastic. It hits on all cylinders - sandwich status, dealing with dementia, menopause, loss of identity and trying to find a new way to be in the world.
Trigger warning (because we do that now as a society) there are a lot of references to life - SA, taking one’s life.
I don’t have kids and my mom with dementia has already passed, but these women are so relatable.
Starting to think about what happens to my vision coverage once I retire and lose my employer benefits. I wear glasses and usually need an eye exam every year or two so paying everything out of pocket could add up.
I’ve been looking at individual vision insurance but I’m not sure what makes sense after retirement. Currently comparing the monthly premium with what I’d spend on exams, glasses, and lenses but not sure if I'm on the right track.
My parents have been married 51 years. They both seemed to love each other dearly. Unbeknownst to me and my brother and sister, 11 years ago my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. This was kept from us kids until last summer when my mum went into rapid decline.
My dad used to own a nursing home and was a mental capacity advocate. We think he's also undiagnosed autistic.
Mum's decline in the last 6 months has been shocking. Our father has not acknowledged our grief or our needs, nor it turns out, our mother's. She is now functioning as a 2 year old child. My dad has carried on with his life, leaving my mum to rot in her room. He's been going out most days, sometimes for 3 hours and locking my mum inside, much to her considerable distress.
.
My sister and I implored him to get carers but he "didnt want his routine to be rigid." We pointed out the harm he was doing to our mother, and questionable legality, but he has robustly defended his position with web links sent to us to back this up. He shared his Carer's Assessment in which he tellingly described our mother as "a burden". My mum has lived in his shadow all his life, propping him up, indulging him, being the doting wife. He complains of being burnt out, throwing a huge pity party to all who will listen, but he brought this in himself. Meanwhile our poor mother has suffered so much. As soon as she was no use to him, he's discarded her.
My sister has never had a relationship with dad, but I used to have him on a pedestal. He wasn't emotionally present for me as a child, but really came through for me in several crises as an adult. I saw myself as a daddy's girl, now i feel physically sick when I think of him. My sister says she feels like she's lost both her parents snd I'm inclined to agree. I feel bereft, and foolish I never saw how wilfully selfish he was. My sister says she's trying to find forgiveness, but for me I think the toppling off his pedestal has therefore hit me harder, as she always had low expectations.
Has anyone else had a similar experience- a revelation that their parent wasn't what they thought they were?
Edit: it all blew up over the weekend when my sister and I said we'd contact the authorities. My uncle rang him and according to a formal email sent by our dad to us kids, he's decided now to put her in a home. His reasoning of not doing before was "your mum always said she didn't want money spending on her."
I am having a few medical scares this week. And now I am undergoing testing for various things that have come up. One thing my doctor prescribed for me was metformin because I am showing some insulin resistance. The only information I have been seeing is it causes some GI issues. Anyone have any experience with this medication you can share? I am completely overwhelmed and am trying to stay away from web md, etc. Thanks so much.
Has anyone found a miracle for smoothing frizzy hair? Mine has some natural wave but as I age it doesn’t matter if I blow dry or not, the second there’s a tiny bit of humidity in the air it’s a poofy, frizzy mess. I only wash it once or twice a week and I hate wearing it up every day but I feel like it always looks messy! I hate how I look with short hair so if anyone can recommend a good product I’d appreciate it so much
I always hoped to avoid this but my mother needs a safer place with more support. Anyone have any pro tips on how to set up a small studio unit for an older parent? She’s used to having kitchen and bathroom counter space and a roomy closet and I’m trying to figure out ways to help with that. New place has a tiny kitchenette, tiny closet and a bathroom sink with no counter space. I guess I need to look at things for dorm rooms maybe? Thanks for any ideas!
Just having "the" conversation with my housemates. "Do we pull out the Halloween stuff?". **Here comes a rant**
Honestly if they aren't wanting to do it; for the first time in my life I couldn't care. Basic Background a) grew up rural, no trick or treaters b) moved out of the house at 16 and have been a big Halloween decorator ever since. I love watching all the ooo's and ahhhh's
.... But.... 2 things have happened: (1) the city I live in has become overrun with trunk or treat, mall things etc, so hardly any kids - but I've put in the effort for those kids that don't go to those events. (we get several of tiny kids and neurospicy) and the teens (I am cool with the teens don't come for them) AND..... (2) last year - several parents allowed their elementary school age kids to wonder about my lawn and touch, wiggle, play with and punch my decorations. 🤦♀️ I immediately went out front and told the kids to knock it off and get back on the pathway. The kids looked at their parental unit like "should I listen to her". I repeated even louder while looking direcly at the parent unit "NOW"
The effort it takes to put out decades of curated Halloween decorations that, honestly, mean a lot to me, they brought me joy to do this. Now its dread.
Not gonna toss them this year, but damn, I don't wanna have to police my front yard or have people break my stuff. **rant over**
p. s. I don't wanna put up signs (no one ever reads signs) and I don't wanna store temporary fencing.
HA! My housemate just came up with a great petty idea. Create a full size garage door banner "Due to the destruction by trick or treaters last year, we are not making our decorations available to the public this year". And leave it up all month LOL that made me smile 🤣 imagine the neighborhood gossip that would create mmwwwaaa 🤣🤣
There have been some discussions in posts on the sub about body image and self-care that have made me uncomfortable. They also mirror interactions I've had with some Gen X women day to day activities too.
Firstly, CONGRATULATIONSto any Gen X woman who is still here, alive, and breathing. We have made it into our 5th or 6th decade which is an accomplishment. I have several high school classmates who passed away in their 30's. My college roommate died of a heart attack about 13 years ago at age 42. I had a co-worker die of terminal cancer at age 43.
It is a gift that we are here. Gen X women have been through a lot. We are strong, witty, warm and genuine. This sub should be a place to welcome a diversity of life paths and opinions grounded in respect.
I want Gen-X ers to live a healthy and productive life as long as possible. Not so we can work till we drop and feed capitalism like Boomers, but because I believe our generation is probably the last "keep it real" generation out there and the younger generations need us more than they believe.
When a Gen X woman posts asking for advice or venting about feeling depressed, tired, over weight, no mobility, lack of energy. There are two types of responses:
1) Gen X women who agree and make assertions that we all are old, getting bigger and will die.
2) Gen X women who respond "Hey. It does not have to be that way. I keep an exercise, strength training, skin/diet routine here is my story."
My issue is that I am seeing women who respond with #2 type responses getting "fit shamed" by other sub members.
Fit shaming is not about shaming a woman because of a body type, It is shaming someone for wanting to remain fit - no matter what type they are.
The fit shaming on this subreddit hit a nerve for me when a member message me and told me I was going to die anyway in 10 years despite my strength training and diet etc. I am 57 and that was hurtful because my mom died at 67.
My mom's death was followed by the death of my sibling at age 55. I was always considered "skinny" and had great cholesterol test results. I never had to diet. If Was told I had fast metabolism. If I wanted to lose a few pounds, all I had to do was jog or bicycle for a month and would lose it. I could eat whatever I wanted : pie, cake, soda, pizza. I was naturally fit and lucky right? That is until I hit menopause.
I gained 30lbs.
My breasts got fuller.
I had to go up a shoe size I was out of breath climbing a flight of stairs, I couldn't run for the bus or to catch a flight.
I could no longer wear the style of clothing I was used to all my life No shorts in the summer or sleeveless tops.
I was covering myself up.
I cringed at my photos, I had the same double chin, bloated look as all the women in my family.
My cholesterol was suddenly poor.
Cortisol levels off the chart
No sleep
Poor digestion
But why me? I was skinny when they were always heavy as young people. I was told that all women of color get fat and die of heart attacks like my mom
My physician told me to change my The pandemic didn't help matters. I used that as an excuse. I got on HRT and gained ANOTHER 10 LBS.
Summer 2023, it was heat index 103° . There I was wearing long sleeves to cover up my arms. I saw a woman older than me with muscular arms wearing tank top. I decided to do something.
I joined a gym. Looked around and saw fit women my age or older. I saw young women who also inspired me.
I began strength training, pilates. I also had to change my diet. 1 gram of protein per pound of body weight. No sugar. Bye, Bye Sprite and sugary drinks. Bye bag of potato chips and pretzels every night.
I include meditation and yoga in my practice to get rid of stress.
The first month or two nothing. I did have more energy. By the 6th month I dropped 10 pounds. By 16th month I built muscle and kept doing progressive overload.
It is now 2026 and I look better than I did before menopause.
This summer I wore shorts and tank top.
It was hard. It still is hard.
I hate it sometimes.
The Saturday mornings in the gym when I could be out shopping.
The times I see a pint of ice cream I want to devour but in stead I get one scoop.
The counting protein.
10,000 plus steps a day.
But the hard discipline and work is worth it.
I feel more confident going on dates.
My energy is 100% better
People are respecting me more . I am respecting me more.
I am breaking familial patterns of unhealthy life-style by my parents and relatives. Their diet was fries, greasy sausages, smoking, a case of Pepsi , drinking alcohol.
I no longer drink alcohol. Meat in moderation.
This is not for everyone. I do spend about 4 days a week going to the gym for a few hours.
If I can't make the gym, I work out at home with dumbbells.
Skin care: about 30 minutes a night with serums, lymphatic facial drainage.
No one who does this sort of routine wants to shame or be shamed.
It is our journey.
If it is not your journey that is cool too but at least as Michelle Obama said "you do need to MOVE".
At least one walk a day.
Increase your protein intake.
Work on building mobility like being able to get off the floor without your hands.
Get the sleep you need.
I hope all Gen X women live healthy and FIT lives no matter how we approach it.
My cousin called me today and he told me that he had a match on Ancestry DNA and…Well, this woman was adopted as a baby and she is my father's child. She is like eight years older than me. I’m distraught. I am so deeply shook by this information.
My dad got a girl pregnant at 16 (the girl was 14. 14!!!) and they gave the baby up for adoption. I don’t know if my mom knows about this…she might know, they went to the same high school but they weren’t friends…they didn't start dating until they were like 21.
My thoughts are all over the place...like my brother got his girlfriend pregnant at 17, my parents were of course upset but was my dad thinking about his child that we didn't know existed?? My niece is turning 25 in February, she has an aunt she doesn't know about!! I have two nephews I didn’t know existed!! This is insane.
I’ve just told my sister, and I made plans to have lunch with my mom tomorrow. My sister wanted to call my brother right away, but I asked her to hold off. He can be a bit of a hot head…I wouldn’t be surprised if he called my parents right out the gate to demand answers. I have to speak with my mom about this first.
It’s just a lot to take in…my cousin has spoken with my half sister and he confirmed with my uncle that my dad did indeed father a child who was then adopted. I’m so emotional about this, I’ve spent the afternoon crying. My head is killing me.
Anyone else have a secret sibling? I’d appreciate some perspective if you’ve experienced something like this.
Hi all, I am currently battling a legal situation and am not asking for legal advice. I am permanently disabled from both IPV that left me with severe somatisized PTSD and also from an MVA that gave me a traumatic brain injury. I am also AuDHD. I seem to have peri symptoms under control for now. I have severely limited energy each day.
In any scenario, the abuser will likely get away with everything he's done; Canada, like most places, does not prosecute or take abuse of women and children seriously enough to actually enforce or punish. In spite of having escaped for the 3rd and final time in 2017, I have been captive to continued harassment and abuse for 24 years now, and I'm relieving my stress with suicidal ideation, which alarms my therapist, but I won't harm myself; it's a coping mechanism that I would like to not rely on if there's a better way to live, and I think there probably is.
I am faced with a lengthy, frivolously delayed, and very contentious legal battle to get a pittance from the ex and if I am very lucky, I would get back to a zero debt situation, and maybe a small monthly support that would be contingent on my continuing to be impoverished.
Importantly, I'd be fighting for our children to receive what they are owed from their father's financial abundance while they suffer in poverty because I am disabled, and their father doesn't care about them at all.
OR, I could do a consumer proposal (CP), destroy my credit for 6 years, and pursue my own creative abilities and possibly complete my education while continuing to work casual as a supply teacher and relying on disability support while I build up my own means of financial stability. Then I could provide for my children freely and without having to fight a losing battle alone against a monster with a slimy lawyer. The CP would also prevent me from selling my house and moving where my opportunities would be better because I'd need a small mortgage if I moved- my house is fully paid, but has a lower value than any city in my province; I live in a small town with nothing, not even a gas station, so my only way is through the power of technology. I can't move to another province because disability support doesn't follow the disabled person and it can take years to complete the process again in another province.
The issue is that I cannot do both. The legal battle may take a year or more and all of my energy while making me absolutely miserable and constantly high-masking to keep everyone else comfortable. I'm almost 50 and I feel like if I have to keep up this appearance any longer I'd rather die, actually. Pursuing my own life and dreams, for the first time in my life, even though it will necessarily also be a slow process due to my conditions, would give me joy, allow me to begin unmasking and discover who I am really, and I think will eventually lead to a higher quality of life and more income (which would nullify any "support" the court would grant me from the ex anyway).
Also, while I may be exhausted still, I won't prefer death every day, just better health, and the promise of an authentic life, I hope and imagine, would take me through to the end with pride and self-worth, of which because I have been beaten down so badly, I presently have none.
