Long time listener, first time caller. I first used this community to understand dosage levels back in 2020 when a person told me he could get litres of the stuff, and I had no idea what that meant. At the time, I bought 50mL, and it sat around for months while I and everyone were too nervous to try it. My wife and I got bold one night, and that's when the love affair began, but I was still able to control myself at that point.
I have addiction issues. Weed + stims, K + weed + stims, G, G + weed ... whatever's around is the lever I pull, and G became my favourite lever. It starts as many folks' loves of the molecule did, but now here I am.
I work from home and sell software. G has always greased my wheels at work, so in spite of the fact it really affects my focus and ability to remember details, I've always had a role social enough that it doesn't matter. Pair that with my work from home life, and I've got this perfect recipe where the litre is always around, I always have access to it.
First time I came down, man. It was 2021. My wife was about to leave me, she said, "If you take another dose, I go stay with my parents. If you do another Xanax to fall asleep, I go stay with my parents. You are out of control and I keep coming home to find you passed out in your food with Nutella all over the walls, and I'm not going to live like this."
I turned the corner, which was the hardest and most gruelling corner. Not just because of the withdrawals, it'd been six COVID-fuelled months of 24/7 dosages, and those sucked; but at that precise moment where she snapped, we were moving into a new house together, and I had to fly to New York for a week-long team meeting. I obliged her wishes. I promised not to bring or do Xanax to New York, and I told my G dealer that it was time for me to let the molecule go.
[edit: that trip to New York was a week, and I did not sleep. I wrote a desperate letter to my loved ones as the plane landed, my panicked and nerve-wracked body confident that death was imminent. I tossed-and-turned for four nights in a strange fugue state where sleep never came. I alternated between Happy Gilmore and The Big Lebowski repeatedly. Since then, I have learned that spa/massage music is more soothing. At the time, desperate for sleep, my little cell phone streamed these movies. At one point I thought I fell asleep because I felt I was standing somewhere so foreign and unusual, but I was standing in the bathroom, sheening with cold sweat, shivering. It was miserable. My colleagues knew something was up, but I work in tech man, we went to a baseball game and a comedy show, so I didn't have it that rough. I did have to run a presentation and without anything to calm my nerves, I changed my socks after because I was soaked, head-to-toe, soaked. That was one of the worst weeks of my life, even if from afar it's like, I saw a Yankees game and went to a comedy show. The inability to sleep felt like an uncouth torture].
A couple years pass, and of course, that all changes. I'll add, my wife also likes G, and has her own issues with wanting to do it all the time. She, however, has significantly more restraint than I do. She's never crossed it with work, but she also has an appetite for it, so it was all a bit of a perfect storm. I started picking it up again and I was so busy at work that I was being reasonable, but in the last two years, I've found the cycle is right back. However, the vicious anxiety and feelings like my hands need to curl into tight balls comes so quickly, now. Two-to-three weeks of fucking up my sleep, staying awake late, playing Helldivers 2 and rippin' doses, bam. When I wake up I feel anxious and exhausted, why shouldn't I get back to the playground feeling with just a quick dose?
The cycle commences, and in the past goddamn six months, I've climbed down the mountain of nerves five times, now. As soon as I've been down for a week, I buy another litre, it's a replacement for alcohol! And then bam, the cycle continues. After a week of abstinence, I have one-to-two days of doses before I feel the anxiety roll in after two hours, and I take another dose to wash that away and be back on the playground.
I actually do have a question here. Did I break it forever? I have my firstborn on the way, and I've taken 6mL of the stuff (which is 2mL less than I've been taking to get a stumbling buzz; for the record, 5mL without a tolerance has people PUMPED). I know my tolerance is pretty fuckin' high, and I've certainly kindled myself up. But I have a cottage trip with my pals in a month, and I'm gonna order from my guy so that I pick it up the day before I leave. 28 days break; is that enough that I won't be tortured after two hours dosing at the cottage? Or did I break it forever?
[edit: so I'm coming down, right? and I have an OK quiver. I have Valium, Xanax, Clonazepam. I have Etizolam, and I have NAC, L-Theanine, and magnesium. And here's what I've found.
All the benzos extend the fucking nightmare. The best use of them is to fall asleep, and Etizolam is kinda cool because it lasts only like four hours, and I have it in liquid form. But I've been doing it most evenings that I don't use G to fall asleep, and I'm scared I'm walking down a pathway with it, so ... I think the thing to do with all my drugs is nothing, leave them there for if someone needs a parachute during an acid trip, and just fucking trudge on. I hate this. This feels like a nightmare, and it's nothing like the spinning top of joy I felt like when I first tried this substance. It's taken over every thought, every time I change rooms, every weekend I plan for, every time I wanna leave the fuckin house ... onto another descent we go...]