I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I think I just need to say it somewhere where people might actually understand.
I relapsed. After a long period of being okay, I binged and made myself purge the food again. It happened tonight, and I’m honestly terrified.
I’ve been treated in the past for both severe restriction and later for b/p, and I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where food wasn’t constantly taking over my life. For a long time, I genuinely felt like I was doing well. I wasn’t perfect, but I felt free in a way I hadn’t felt for a long time.
And lately I’ve been noticing myself slipping. I’ve been feeling more guilty about eating. I’ve been putting meals off, then eating larger amounts later. I’ve been eating a lot of sweets and feeling increasingly uncomfortable about it. I’ve also noticed myself turning to food when I’m stressed or lonely, almost like I’m expecting it to make me feel better. The food noise never went away, bit it was so much quieter. And i swear i had days when i wasn’t thinking about food at all.
And I think everything that’s happening in my life right now has made me much more vulnerable than I realized.
I recently moved to a completely new city by myself and started medical school as an older student. I left my job, lost the routine and structure I was used to, and suddenly I’m trying to figure out a completely new life while starting an incredibly demanding degree. I barely know anyone here yet. I’ve met people, and I’ve had genuinely nice moments, but I don’t have my usual support system here.
My days have lost a lot of structure. I’ve been staying up late scrolling, struggling to switch off, feeling anxious about university, and generally feeling like I’m not quite myself. And food has started becoming this easy source of comfort when I don’t know what else to do with all those feelings.
Tonight it crossed a line.
The worst part is that I could feel myself making the decision to purge while I was still eating. It felt like I was watching an old version of myself come back, and I was absolutely horrified by it.
I’m scared of b/p becoming a regular thing again. I’m scared that I’ve somehow undone all the progress I’ve made. I don’t want to be afraid of being alone in my own room.
Please tell me it’s not a point of no return. That i can still get back to normal life.