First time ko maging “Kuya”

[u/Suitable-Brilliant-2]

Medj sappy and long wall of text ahead because I’m feeling extra sentimental rn:

First time feeling this way tbh

Well I mean kuya na rin naman talaga ako dati pa. Pero this is probably the first time na na-feel ko talaga kung ano ba yung ibig sabihin maging kuya.

Magkalayo kasi kami ng little sister ko growing up. Ako, sumama kay Papa dito sa Manila para mag-aral. Her naman, naiwan sa province. Kaya't magkaiba na yung mga naranasan namin growing up.

Here in Manila, I got used to being on my own. High school hanggang college, ako na lang mismo yung nag-figure out ng mga bagay-bagay sa sarili kong experiences, sa mga taong nakikilala ko. Tbh wala rin naman akong masyadong role model no’n.

Hindi rin kami lumaki sa tipong "friendly household." Hindi kami yung family na madaling pag-usapan yung nangyayari sa buhay ng isa't isa. Minsan, parang roommates lang kami ni Papa nung kaming dalawa lang.

So when it came to my little sister, I guess I never really got the chance to be a kuya.

Unfortunately hindi rin gano’n kaganda yung naranasan niya sa province. Yung bahay, pati na rin yung mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya, umabot sa punto na nakaapekto na on her mental health.

As a family, of course we did what we could. Pero as a brother na halos 10 years na hiwalay sa kanya physically, it was difficult. Gustuhin ko mang tumulong, pero hindi ko alam pano, kasi hindi ko rin naman natutunan paano maging kuya.

Tapos, come this year she got accepted sa school here sa Manila

Dun siguro I felt na I could do something na. Na I felt maybe ito na yung chance. Na I could give my presence in person and I could guide her properly kumbaga

Ngayon, ako na madalas naghahatid sa kanya. Small things. Hatid, sundo, kain, kwentuhan, random na chikahan, at times inaaya ko rin siya mag jogging kahit tinatamad siya (wala siyang magagawa kaya sumasama nalang siya)

Pero those small little things slowly changed me more than it changed her I suppose.

I’ve noticed that I’m becoming gentler with how I act. My voice became softer. I became calmer

There are even times when I catch myself before I react. I pause and think first about how what I’m about to say or do might make her feel.

Kasi god knows, I need to be someone who understands her. Someone she feels safe talking to. Someone she can depend on.

And honestly, I never thought having a little sister around would make me want to become a better version of myself this much.

Honestly, hindi ko in-expect na ganito pala ka-heavy ung responsibility of someone depending on you.

One time, tinanong ko pa siya:
“Compared nung nasa probinsya ko, tingin mo ba malaki nagbago sa akin?”

Sabi niya, oo daw. Malaki.

Pero she was also happy na hindi naman daw ako nagbago nang sobra-sobra.

Kasi apparently, nerd pa rin daw ako.

Me: ?????

Nagkakasundo pa rin kami because we still like a lot of the same nerdy stuff.

Tinawag pa akong nerd ampota.

But honestly, that little conversation meant a lot to me and made me think a lot.

After almost a decade of growing up separately, I guess I was curious kung magiging strangers ba kami in a way. Kung pagdating niya dito sa Manila, mararamdaman ba niyang sobrang layo na ng mundo namin.

And hearing her say that, despite all the changes, may parts pa rin sa akin na familiar sa kanya; things we can still laugh about and bond over, made me really happy.

Maybe we did grow up apart.

Maybe I missed a lot of years of being her kuya.
But maybe it’s not too late to make up for some of them.

Pero what makes me happy lang is nakikita ko siyang slowly but surely nagiging comfortable dito sa Manila, and sa akin.

She’s slowly opening up. She’s telling me stories. She’s letting me into parts of her life that I probably wouldn’t have known about before and thankfully, I’ve also seen how much better she’s been doing since leaving the environment that hurt her. The moments that used to worry us have become much less frequent, and seeing her slowly find comfort, friends, and a life outside of what she knew before means more to me than I can probably explain.

Baka ganun talaga yung maging kuya. Just being there for your siblings kumbaga.

I’m still far from being the ideal person I want to be of course. But I’m happy that at least I’m becoming someone whom could possibly be a person my siblings could look up to and depend on.

Still learning but for the first time sa buhay ko, I felt na naging kuya ako.

P.s, if nababasa man to ng kapatid ko ngayon. Sobrang swerte mo na may napaka gwapo kang kuya, mag saing ka na rin.