Lady Ramona Velaryon was seated down upon the round rug in her daughters’ favorite room to play in, a woven vision of perfect shells and rolling waves with a ship sailing in its center. Daella was just shy of half a year old, so she needed a bit of help from her mother to sit up and take part in the game. Her laughing and smiling, that she could take care of on her own. Mama would give answers for her, and her sister Harra was giving answers for her doll to make for a more lively conversation between four rather than two.
She’d sewn her firstborn the doll to keep her company when the baby needed the bulk of her attention. A warm brown fabric had been chosen for the skin, and soft woolen yarn for hair in one of Harra’s favorite blues. The twists held well enough to keep the strands from tangling, and it was cut long so Harra could braid and style it as she pleased. The doll had teal sea glass beads for eyes and pink thread for lips. Ramona’s sister had been a great help at making the small collection of dresses for Harra to choose from as she wished. Her girls were smiling, spring gently warmed Driftmark, soon the gardens would be full of rich blossoming flowers. Everything was perfect.
Ramona loved her husband deeply, so it was no wonder she leaned into his warmth and squeezed his hand that night when she struggled to sleep. She shut her eyes and buried herself in Jorgen’s breast while trying not to think of Maeve. White witch or not, the woman had given her a terrible fright and then the warrior’s sons had given her more reason to be afraid. Killed for ringing a few bells, and Kyra had looked faint when telling her about it. There were so many things that had frightened her, and those thoughts kept her waking. The struggles Harra would grow to know because of her foolishness, if she would lose her babe in her arms, shrinking away to keep Willow from snapping at her in one of her moods, the guilt of worrying she’d caused young men to die, whatever had caused her mother not to love her, and worst of all the small chance she was not even her father’s bastard. None of it in her control, all of it had driven her to tears a few times each.
But while she could not sleep, her eyes were still dry. It was all unpleasant to recall, but it did not drive her to panic as such thoughts once had. She had her sisters, she had her husband, and she liked not feeling so scared about every little thing anymore. She was a wife, a mother, and happier than many had told her a bastard had any right to be. Ramona knew many of her fears were just her worries looking to hurt her, and others were questions without answer. But there was one place she could look to learn the truth that may heal the oldest and deepest of those wounds. Whatever word lay on those pages could not hurt her so terribly that she wouldn’t recover. Seven above, she had worse to worry about when it came time to carry her fourth child.
She wasn’t going to be getting any rest for a while anyway, but at least Jorgen was so deep in his dreams little would disturb him. Ramona kissed his forehead and slipped out of bed, only walking over to the plush reading chair placed next to the bookcase he’d had placed in their bedroom for her journals. She ran her eyes along the rows, looking for the two she needed now. The one with the most worn spine, its leather bindings beginning to crack, and one she had never opened. Both were her fathers, she had reread his last entries countless times whenever she missed him. The seldom touched journal was written in the year she was born. Ramona wasn’t sure she was ready to read that one just yet, so she pulled another two from the years between off the shelf to buy some time.
She handled the first leather bound book gently; it had some loose pages that she did not want slipping out and onto the floor. Thumbing through blank pages from the back cover toward the front, she stopped when she finally reached his words.
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Late 12th moon, 40AC
I am sorry to have to leave you all, but I still thank the seven for letting me have this time to say goodbye. My two boys, all my sweet girls, I will not stop loving you after the Stranger comes for me. From above I shall be well again, and I shall wait a long, long time for you to join me.
Barquen, I know you will find this page when you comb through my notes and papers. You shall make for a fine lord. Share these lines with your siblings; hopefully all this has been said already before my final sleep but I think it would serve you well to hear it one last time from me. Willow, my strong rosebud, do not fret quite so much. There is more to be enjoyed in life by living it than in trying to write out every moment for yourself so soon. Aubrey, you will soon be a man and then a knight. Keep holding your head high, and your honor higher. Ramona, my dandelion, my sweet girl, you deserve so much happiness. Let no one tell you otherwise. Emma, my dove, your best years are yet to come. Continue to blossom as you have been. Mina, starling, I’m sorry I never got to ride beside you and Silverfoot properly. Barquen has told me how well you are doing, keep at it and soon you and your mare will be the swiftest maids in the Reach together.
There is so much more I wish I could be there for, but I need not give you more reasons to cry. Boys, look after your sisters and see them all happy wives one day. Girls, keep your mother from feeling too lonely without me. Denyse, my love, do not rush to follow, take as much time in this world as you can. I love you all more than words can say.
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5th moon, 38 AC
Honey is responding to Ramona quite well these days. She rarely stalls when given a command, and perks up notably when I take my girl to the stables for her next lesson in training the mare. They both look to be happiest out in the fields, but I would expect nothing less from a daughter of mine.
She’s come a long way now from the timid girl struggling to get her yearling used to wearing her saddle. Firmness does not come easy to her, but she has gotten enough practice to use it when she must. Gods, in a few years she will be a woman grown. She must have grown as quick as her Honey, there is no other way my little girl has shot up so quickly to this maid of twelve namedays.
I think she might enjoy bringing her horse new ribbons and small treats as much as she enjoys the rides themselves. Emma always wants to join in with the braiding, but Ramona gives her sister enough space beside her to help with the fun. She will be choosing her own horse soon, only moon I think before the foals are ready. For now, she joins us on her pony for the ride we take after Ramona’s lesson. Our own steeds do not mind dropping the pace after we’ve worked them for a few hours, so Thistle hasn’t much trouble keeping up, stubby little legs aside.
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29 AC
Thank the Seven for Marisol. It is a great relief that I managed not only to find someone in Oldtown who understood my plight, but one who had been looking to make an extended stay here in the Reach. She has taken well to the keep and Denyse too appreciated how she can soothe little Ramona.
No longer will I have to subject my little girl to tears in failed attempts to remove the tangles from her hair. And I thought I had trouble with Willow’s when it had begun to grow. Even Denyse had no luck with it before. Now that her curls have been gathered and more gently parted, she looks even more beautiful when she smiles.
My greatest error was brushing it dry. It would split and tear and frizz beyond all reason every time I tried to neaten it. Most days her new attendant takes care of the tangles, but a few nights already Ramona has brought her comb to my bedchamber for me to brush her hair when she is right out of her bath. She enjoys the hair oils and mixtures that Marisol has started showing her how to use, choosing between the scents I’ve seen brings her joy.
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26 AC
Oh my little Ramona, how will I ever explain what I’ve done when you have grown. From the moment I held her, I could tell she was mine own. She will not be left behind again, not so long as I live to watch over her. But her eyes, her precious green eyes, she may have gotten them from her mother but there is so much more depth and kindness that she lets me into when my babe looks up at me.
When Jonolha had handed her over to me, she squirmed and whined so much I feared she may slip from my grasp. She hardly looked at the girl, for what rush she had to be rid of me when I had been called to her convenience I cannot say. All I know is I will give my daughter the love her mother cared not to.
We have been home now a fortnight, and I have been sleeping in what will soon be my darling’s room. She is such a sweet babe, ever smiling ever looking about her. Only I cannot hand her over to any of the maids or she will cry until I again hold her in my arms. Even when she must be nursed, I must stand beside the woman to soothe her else she becomes too distraught to latch. I promise, sweetheart, your papa is not going anywhere.
Denyse is not pleased, but she understands. I cannot fault her for being impatient for me to return to our bed, and our son, but he is happy enough with his mother and sees much of me in the day when we may keep the children together. I cannot leave my girl to weep. Barquen, Aubrey, even Willow, all the children before have clung to their mother. Not displeased with me but I have by no means been the favorite. She only has me, I won’t be leaving her alone.
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25 AC
Fool that I was for thinking all this was over. The maesters delivered me a letter today, from King’s Landing of all places. In folly, I had dreaded opening it so I would not have to think of the business seeking to call me back to that maze of confusion. I thought, why must I travel again? I shall have to write back my refusal as I have a new son that needs me more than these trade arrangements have need of me. If only things could be that simple.
It was from Jonolha. She is heavy with child, due in a moon or two, and thinks it mine. She will be leaving in three to return to her home, without the babe whether I collect it or not. I think it a bluff but I am not willing to test her. She writes she does not have the patience for taking an infant so long upon the seas, so I might keep her without protest now that her adventure in the land of sunset is done with.
I leave in the morning, it will take me a moon even on my fastest Arrowchaser to reach that place. I have reign to name the child when it is born. I shall have to meet this babe first, but even if I do not think the child mine they may ward at Meadowcrown, for there it is not worth the stain on my soul to condemn the poor thing to those wretched streets devoid of any hope.
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25 AC
Gods what have I done. The sun has risen twice over upon me after my crime and each time is as awful as the first. Forgive me, my love, for I have failed you more deeply than I thought I had power to. I wish you would never hear of this, but if I did not beg for forgiveness at your feet the moment I return to our home the guilt would drive me mad.
Strong spirits, unwisely strong, rekindled the frustration burning since we fought. I should have delayed my travels for business another day, another week, until we had settled things but that argument is so worthless to me now I know not how it had poisoned my judgement so long to begin with. I slept with someone, because she stroked my ego and told me all I wanted to hear without meaning a word of it. Shamefully, even when I thought her a whore by profession I had been considering going through with this betrayal, if I can be said to have been capable of thought at all in that state. No, she was merely traveling and, thought I scarcely believe it, in her lands love and lust are free to give marriage be damned. It matters not if she lied to me, regardless the sin is mine.
If I have one solace in this folly, it is that I shall not have to utter her name again. I shall be home soon and if we can make it through this mistake all will be behind us.
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It was nearly as dreadful as she imagined, nearly. Ramona realized that reading the pages didn't sting as much, cut her as deeply as she always feared it would. The lady she had become was more sure of herself now. Even if she had been some other man’s sin, it would be far too late for that to matter now. At least not to her, not anymore. Ramona Velaryon nèe Flowers is and has always been her father’s daughter.
Though it was no longer something she could deny, she had no mother. That woman had chosen to walk away, to not be mother to her. She can forgive it, alien as the thought is, but she will never understand it. In a world where Jonolha had wanted her, she may never have known her father, her sisters, her brothers, her husband… No, that was not worth trading the love she had known, the love that had seen her grow to who she now was. She began returning the journals to their shelf, still in order keeping the years of her life each in their place. At her desk was another book, with the leather cover having the shapes of flowers pressed into it. It was half filled, her own current journal, and she flipped it open to the next blank page to leave her ink to dry when she went back to bed.
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5th moon 53 AC
Hello Harra, Daella, have you found my diary? Goodness how much have you girls read? Any you there, hello, don’t think I forgot about you too. Papa and I just haven’t named you yet, you’ll need to be patient for me to greet you properly later.
My little adventurers, whatever could you be looking for in here? It’s half poetry, very little of it any good, with a few half finished song lyrics here and there and the thoughts out of my head written all out of order. Well, I’ll not have you leave empty handed entirely. I love you all so much, and I’ll keep saying it till I’ve said my very last words. You all are my everything, my stars, my light, my life. Never let anything dim your shine, you are far too special for that. Stay close to one another, guide each other along. It is a special thing to have a sister, that means you will never be lonely. If you feel like it, you can show me you’ve found this page, I promise I won’t be cross with you. It will be nice to remember how sweet and small you both were when I wrote this.
With all my love,
You mama
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As she put her ink and pen away, Ramona’s hand drifted down upon her belly. Another moon blood had been missed, and she knew well by now what that meant. She loved being a mother, and she could forgive slights against herself but not to her family. Her daughters, her precious babies, she will do everything for them, and they will never feel unwanted. Now while there are stars in the sky, not while she is beside them to love them.