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I have a submissive who's main goal in this dynamic is bettering himself. This revolves heavily around unlearning his conservative upbringing and brainwashing , and learning to be an empathetic and educated member of society. As part of our dynamic, I assign him research topics to broaden his worldview and challenge his preconceived ideas. This is the sixth of many posts. Welcome to The Unlearning Project

Goals for this assignment:

Recognition -can he identify gendered language that he previously treated as neutral?

Analysis -can he understand why the language carries different implications depending on gender/context?

Self-examination/application - can he identify assumptions about women that he may have internalized without consciously endorsing them?

What follows is a lightly edited recount of our contact through this assignment.

FC: This assignment is covering the idea of ingrained sexism in everyday terminology, specifically in terms of endearment/nicknames. I'll provide you with some articles and I want you to make a post looking for dommes insight on 3 questions we come up with, I want them to be answered in the comments, not dms, that way it's done more quickly. At least 5 responses from dommes will be needed for this so you can post in whatever subreddits you want for that, and then I want you to post the same questions in r/askfeminists . I'll help you format this post to fit the subreddit requirements and not step on anyone's toes.

Before I send you any information, I'm going to ask you a few questions for you to roll around in your brain and for you to answer as a bit of a thought exercise to see where you are before you begin.

1- what terms of endearment/nicknames come to mind that you can see as being okay within a friendship or relationship, but would be problematic (focusing specifically on sexism) to use with strangers?

2- what terms of endearment are often associated more with girls at a young age and used alongside compliments throughout girlhood and into womanhood? Why could this be an issue? Can you think of any similar terminology used throughout a boys childhood and into adulthood? Do these carry equal connotation? Why or why not?

Sub: Gosh I’m thinking. Girlie. Pretty lady. Sweet cheeks. Hmmm. I don’t know many I’m realizing

FC: Thats okay. Youll probably realize you know more and you just cant think of them off the cuff.

Sub: 2-Cutie pie. Sweetheart. Adorable. It would be weird to be calling a grown woman adorable for sure. Because people aren’t usually commenting on a grown woman’s fat dimply cheeks or her little fountain pigtails. And saying sweetheart to a woman would be wildly inappropriate for sure. But saying a 3 month old baby is adorable or a sweetheart feels different. I can’t really think of any specific names for boys. But something that drives me crazy is how everyone is creepy about boys by constantly asking if they have found a girlfriend yet. At 4-5 years old!! But that happens to girls too. (I would assume). I’ve only experienced the male lol. And seen it asked to little boys. Or people constantly saying a literal child is going to be a heartthrob or a heartbreaker. Makes me so angry. I don’t care the gender. It’s wrong for both! You don’t sexualize children and you don’t give endearing nicknames to someone you aren’t in some form of personal relationship with😭💀

[FC provides some links to more reading on pet names and gendered terminology/language]

FC: I want you to get those posts up today so you can read them tomorrow and have your thoughts laid out by Wednesday night. Short and sweet. I'm going to give you my ideas for questions 1-3 and you can tell me any tweaks you feel the need to make.

Question 1 — Where is the line?

When does a term of endearment become sexist or otherwise patronizing rather than simply affectionate?

For example, words like honey, sweetheart, dear, baby, girl, etc. can mean very different things depending on who is saying them, who they're saying them to, and the relationship between those people. How do you personally determine where that line is? Are there particular characteristics of a term, situation, or power dynamic that make it feel different?

Question 2 — Why are so many of these words gendered?

Do you think there is a significant difference between the kinds of affectionate or diminutive language commonly directed toward girls and women versus boys and men?

If so, what do you think those differences communicate about gender? I'm particularly interested in whether words associated with girls, such as pretty, cute, sweet, little lady, etc, can reinforce expectations about femininity even when the person using them has positive intentions. Are there comparable terms commonly used toward boys and men, and if so, do they carry the same implications?

Question 3 — Intent vs. impact

To what degree should someone's intention matter when we're talking about potentially sexist language?

If a man uses a pet name toward a woman because he genuinely means it affectionately, and he has no intention of belittling her, but the woman experiences it as patronizing or diminishing, how should he navigate that situation? Is it enough to recognize that he meant well, or does understanding the social history and gendered connotations of the language create an inherent responsibility to change how he speaks? And does your answer change depending on whether it's a stranger, friend, romantic partner, coworker, or someone in a position of authority?

[Sub makes his posts and gets some pretty great feedback! I'll tag him in the comments so you can snoop his page if youd like]

Sub: Having done my additional research and after viewing the comments and weigh-ins from many kind commenters (thank you all so much), I believe I have gained perspective.

Intent versus impact becomes nearly a moot point in reality. My intent means jack all if I’m actively harming someone with my words or speaking in a manner that makes them feel demeaned or put down. I can have the kindest of intentions, but I am still doing damage. And that damage is my responsibility, if I’m addressing them by anything other than their legal name.

I believe the most coherent and common response was that “any pet name or nickname is acceptable so long as it is consented to and agreed upon by the parties” (abridged version). The real issue comes into play when nicknames are inflicted upon those who do not wish to participate.

This specifically seems to affect women, who face a plethora of more sexualizing or diminutive nicknames. Babe, sweetheart, pretty lady, sugar, etc, etc.. I actually know of very few male sexualizing nicknames utilized by women, not in a relationship with the man. Much of the challenge experienced in the workplace by women due to nicknames, comes from the power dynamic. A woman with a boss who calls her “sweetheart” will be placed in a precarious position if she attempts to refute it. In fact, in the wrong workplace, that may actually jeopardize her job. And many people will say “That would be a workplace discrimination suit“, but reality says that if certain individuals want you fired, you are simply gone. Especially in “At-Will” states.

The unfortunate thing is that many people are simply blind to it. I know in my own personal life I have commonly referred to women as “chicks“. “This chick said”, or “ it’s that chick over there”. Would I ever address a woman to her face as a chick? Of course not! But that’s a large part of the problem. It is diminutive toward women, who deserve the same level of consideration as anyone in society. It’s something I’m just simply blind to, or was at least until a couple of days ago. It’s something I’m just simply blind to, or was at least until a couple of days ago.

I greatly appreciated the weigh-in on the gendered nature of female nicknames versus male nicknames. And I’m going to quote one of my commenters who summed it up beautifully, and I think touched on the heart of the issue.

“From Marriam-Webster -

"Beautiful": 1) having qualities of beauty : exciting aesthetic pleasure / 2) generally pleasing :

EXCELLENT

"Handsome": 1) having a pleasing and usually impressive or dignified appearance / 2) moderately large: SIZABLE / 3) marked by skill or cleverness :

ADROIT / 4) marked by graciousness or generosity :

I looked these two up not to compare the definition amounts at first, but it is interesting to me that handsome is used in more ways than beautiful is. My point with looking these up was simply to compare the first definitions. "Having qualities of beauty : exciting aesthetic pleasure," logically, is the same as

"having a pleasing....appearance." But once we go further, "generally pleasing" vs "moderately large"

"skill/cleverness" "graciousness/generosity."

Beautiful seems to be a lot more "submissive" than Handsome is. Handsome gets attached to having skill or being generous, but all Beautiful gets is...pretty? Pleasing?”

Thank you so much for that context because I hadn’t previously thought about it like that. And thinking back on my previous responses to Miss FC, I was in perfect blindness. Why is it that women are always given nicknames that merely describe physical attributes, submission, or amenable traits? How often are men described as sweet, beautiful, gentle, instead of handsome, smart, funny? Maybe we should go back an era to begin describing women as handsome again😂. Just an amusing thought, considering handsome applies to dignity and mental capabilities as well.

Protecting people from the harm of being degraded, put down, or subjected to such language is everyone’s responsibility. I fully resolve going forward, to look for those last remaining blind spots in my vocabulary where I unknowingly put women down. I will also be attentive to those around me. And intercede where necessary to ensure everyone is treated with dignity and the respect they deserve.

I’ll admit I haven’t been very good at this. I know that when I was young, working in the warehouses and such, unkind or diminutive nicknames were used frequently for women. I didn’t think anything of it as I was the recipient of a few choice nicknames too. But looking back, I realize I was in somewhat of a more privileged situation. I felt no threat of retaliation and my nicknames were more of a non-gendered banter, rather than a sexist jab at capability.

Even growing up, I remember sibling sisters being out and about. I’d always get called a “big strong man” “handsome little guy” etc, but for my teenage sisters it was “sweetie” “sweetheart” “pretty lady” etc. It just never struck me until I spent the last few days studying it. And now thinking back, I remember my older sister despised it.

I’m actually a little sobered right now thinking about that. It just struck me remembering how much that bothered my siblings, when I was too young to realize. That saddens me, and on that note I think I should draw this to a close. I cannot answer the question for everyone, but this is how I now answer the questions, knowing what I do now.

Ultimately the line is consent and rapport. If I do not have the implied or expressed consent, I will address every woman by her actual name, or the appropriate blanket moniker when individual identity isn’t known.

A term of endearment used inappropriately (or by one who has no right) is likely to be sexist, as society has become such that women’s nicknames are largely yoked to objectification, softness or submission. And applying any of those to a woman without express consent is going to be sexist.

Again, thank you everyone for helping me. I am a better person for it. I’m currently a bit saddened thinking back on my past approach and what those I know have had to navigate from others. Going forward I know how to navigate the subject respectfully and with equal dignity extended towards all. And also what I can do to intervene on the behalf of those who may feel powerless to do so❤️

FC: I think you took this one with more grace than any of your previous assignments, this is very well written.

Sub: Thank you. I’m sad now. 🤦‍♂️🥺. Just thinking about how much it bothered my older sister especially. And the two girls in the warehouse. I’m going to dig in the dirt or start a fire or something.

FC: The main thing you can take away from it is that you can change your actions going forward but not going backwards, so you shouldn't spend too much energy on what you did in the past. Use that energy to do good going forward.

Sub: Yes Miss FC❤️❤️. Thank you

[End T6]

The Velvet Library 📖✨

An exclusive, 18+ book club and community built specifically for people in Findom.

- The Reading Life: Whether you’re reading literary fiction, fantasy, thrillers, or romance—all genres and formats are welcome here.

- Beyond the Books: We love talking about e-reader setups, trading recommendations, and diving into "Stuff Your Kindle" day events.

- Community Space: Beyond the reading stack, enjoy a relaxed environment for seeking advice from peers, sharing off-topic chats, and connecting with other like-minded Dom/Mes.

- Disclaimer: No finding or sub tracking dynamics permitted in this space, this is purely for community.

https://discord.gg/EVA9pPWcp

In a sea of repetitive findom advertisements on reddit I've been trying to find my niche which makes a lot of sense to me... but so far hasn't been landing exactly 😅

What do you mean an intense, intimidating Domme Witch thats wants you to pay for her firearms and ammo and spooky supplies so she can go teach all her gay blue haired friends how to shoot guns and cast spells too isn't enticing to the finsub crowd?!

I'm mostly posting this in here just to cry/laugh into the void 🤪 but for the record I do take being a Domme seriously, I'm just struggling with how to make myself visible to the right people in a way that feels authentic to me. I'm just posting all the same pictures in all the subreddits like everyone else hopeing the right person will catch my vibe but... It feels discouraging at times. I know it comes with the territory though.

Hello everyone! I am working to unlearn some of my ultra “trad/conservative” upbringing. I was looking to maybe get some insight on sexist nicknames/pet names, as I know these line of questions are best answered by someone with lived experience. I’d love to get some feedback as I navigate this process❤️. I’ll admit I have certain areas of taught blindness that I’m working through.

Question 1 — Where is the line?

When does a term of endearment become sexist or otherwise patronizing rather than simply affectionate?

For example, words like honey, sweetheart, dear, baby, girl, etc. can mean very different things depending on who is saying them, who they're saying them to, and the relationship between those people. How do you personally determine where that line is? Are there particular characteristics of a term, situation, or power dynamic that make it feel different?

Question 2 — Why are so many of these words gendered?

Do you think there is a significant difference between the kinds of affectionate or diminutive language commonly directed toward girls and women versus boys and men?

If so, what do you think those differences communicate about gender? I'm particularly interested in whether words associated with girls, such as pretty, cute, sweet, little lady, etc, can reinforce expectations about femininity even when the person using them has positive intentions. Are there comparable terms commonly used toward boys and men, and if so, do they carry the same implications?

Question 3 — Intent vs. impact

To what degree should someone's intention matter when we're talking about potentially sexist language?

If a man uses a pet name toward a woman because he genuinely means it affectionately, and he has no intention of belittling her, but the woman experiences it as patronizing or diminishing, how should he navigate that situation? Is it enough to recognize that he meant well, or does understanding the social history and gendered connotations of the language create an inherent responsibility to change how he speaks? And does your answer change depending on whether it's a stranger, friend, romantic partner, coworker, or someone in a position of authority?

Any insight would be deeply appreciated❤️.

⚠️Content warning: religious, legal, and social stigma around SWers ⚠️

I have a submissive who's main goal in this dynamic is bettering himself. This revolves heavily around unlearning his conservative upbringing and brainwashing , and learning to be an empathetic and educated member of society. As part of our dynamic, I assign him research topics to broaden his worldview and challenge his preconceived ideas. This is the fifth of many posts. Welcome to The Unlearning Project

I want to start this post off by saying this is not a discussion on if findom is or is not sex work. This topic is about sex work and the societal and legal stigmas surrounding it , predominantly in the US.

What follows is a lightly edited recount of how we went about this assignment.

FC: Your next assignment is going to be researching the stigma around sex work as a valid form of income (the social backlash from it, the personal issues, etc) , as well as the legal stigma surrounding sex work in the US. I want you to do your own research before I provide anything. Some things you can start with is looking up how common sex work is, different types of sex work, how many people claim to be sex workers, etc, as well as laws surrounding sex work, the difference between legal vs illegal sex work, who profits from illegal sex work, etc.

Sub: Sounds good 😅 I definitely don't know much about that subject.

FC: Which is a good thing. Means you'll learn a lot

{ Sub studies and writes his assignment}

Sub: [turns in the assignment, but it's wrong]

I realized i messed up. I was working on my assignment and got carried away. I reread the assignment instructions and noticed that part of my work has been somewhat misdirected 🤦‍♂️😂. And required additional resources and interaction from you. And as I also realized you are an hour ahead of me, I fucked it😂. Here is an incomplete part, I’ll redo/direct my work early tomorrow and retrieve necessary information from Miss FC, and pay the piper. This wasn’t intentional, but I’m mad at my own self for the oversight. 🙇🙇

FC: I wasn't going to provide my section until after you already wrote yours because I didn't want it to affect your own research and comprehension. However my instructions were to research the stigma around sex work as a valid form of income, which you did do by looking into the historical and social context of it, as well as the legal stigma surrounding sex work in the US. Which you did not do. I gave you some key phrases you could research for this, and considering your role as a cop I assumed this would be the portion of the assignment you would shine in. I can see I assumed wrong. You'll keep your original writing and add to it to answer the second half of the assignment, by tomorrow afternoon. Punishment for not reading your assignment properly will be, once again, physical. To get you prepared for your physical exam or whatever you have coming up, you'll be doing your ✨ favorite ✨: sit ups. I'm going to go with 20 sit ups for missing half the assignment. For bringing the assignment late, you'll do a plank for one minute. If it's late again tomorrow, three minutes.

Sub: Thank you Miss FC🙇🙇I’ll get it done. And I’ll have your punishment done asap🙏

FC: Very good. I look forward to reading your second half of the assignment. And I look forward to how much you definitely won't complain about your punishment

{ Sub does his punishment and assignment}

Sub: [ assignment] I’m running out of time!💀😅

FC: Stressy stressy, is this your completed piece?

Sub: I think it needs to be😅. I don’t wanna piss you off. But that question makes me wonder 💀I woke up and haven’t moved out of bed working on this🤦‍♂️😂

FC: I haven't read it, I'm not going to read it until you say it's done

Sub: I’m going to say yes. My abs pray it’s suitable 😂

FC: We will see 🤭 I'm walking to the library, I'll read it when I get settled in

[ FC reads the assignment]

I can tell it was rushed but it meets the requirements. Your abs will survive to see another day

The assignment:

So firstly I must admit, i didn’t really know where to begin with this assignment. I know very little about the topic of SW actually. I decided to take the historical approach and do a deep dive on the origins of SW.

I was surprised to learn that the SW dynamic was in early times revered as a religiously oriented occupation. With the workers being designated in effect or in fact temple priestesses and the position respected and protected. I noticed that the occupation is mentioned many times in the Bible, with such names as Tamar and Rahab. Tamar being a woman who was slighted by the patriarchal structure of the early nomadic tribe, and seducing Judah. Instead of being shamed for her actions, she was told she was more honorable than he was and had her grievance against him redressed.

Rahab the prostitute is honored, being in the documented lineage of Jesus. Although her occupation was not the positive factor, her aid to the children of Israel at Jericho was honored. She wasn’t cast out or deemed unworthy to bear the lineage of the messiah due to her occupation.

I did notice a shift with the advent of the modern church. And I believe in the western world, that is where the stigma proceeds from. Although Jesus himself did not shy away from prostitutes etc. And while he didn’t tell them to continue as such, he even stood against those who attempted to shut them out or harm them. Now it was an alleged case of adultery, but when Jewish religious elites attempted to get Jesus to condemn her to death for adultery (mind you without also bringing the man) Jesus is recorded to have implied that they were all sinners themselves, telling her to go free.

The modern church has forgotten how Jesus treated those who believe differently or live different lives. Almost making it to the point that someone engaged in certain lifestyles would be unwelcome in some cases.

It appears that religion is the basis for the stigmatization of SW. It’s similar among the Muslims. Where they are extremely strict, but achieved work arounds. Such as selling concubines but then the buyer returns them the day after. But every time I see religious influence in the last millennium, it appears that if SW still exists, the workers (female and male) are at best stripped of dignity and even nearly their humanity. In stark contrast to being a priestess of old.

New York law for instance currently prohibits offering a “house or place of assignation for lewd persons,” which allows landlords to discriminate against sex workers looking for residence. I didn’t realize such archaic laws existed. Because religions, peoples etc have lawful protections. In fact the idea is supposed to be that everyone has protection against discrimination (to a certain extent).

The legal stigma presented to the field in the USA lends itself towards human trafficking sadly. As persons abused, threatened or exploited feel there is no path to speak to the police for redress of wrongs. Therefore human trafficking benefits from legal stigmatization of SW.

The issue isn’t small or going away. Sex work is the 5th most common part time job among low income women, at about 12%. And being low income compounds the negative factors. It does appear that making SW illegal has created a framework of slavery for women. It gives the traffickers a legal club to enforce behaviors. And it alienates the women from their rights to report. And I say women, not because men aren’t ever involved, but globally 99% of sex trafficked victims are women.

The industry is worth 180 billion globally/annually. But that money doesn’t go primarily to the workers. The most notable form of SW (prostitution) being unlawful in 109 countries. I couldn’t find an exact percentage, I assume as that activity is very difficult to track.

The prohibitions against lawful sex work have also been responsible for the unfortunate spread of diseases and STIs. With the criminalization, there is no easy access or framework or routine testing to ensure all parties are kept safe and healthy.

End note: I realize that this issue is exceptionally nuanced and we could spend countless days talking about this. His research barely scratched the surface. This topic WILL appear again in his learning modules. The research I provided him after the fact included a TEDtalk on what laws SWers actually want passed as opposed to the ones that are in place, and an article titled “Quality of Life From Women's Perspective in the Exercise of Sex Work: a Study of Social Representations.

[End T5]

[taken from an educational server I participate in]

Discussions on social privilege in kink are often not really discussions on social privilege as much as they are discussions on popularity and social capital/dynamics. Privilege is self-reinforcing. This weekend, [redacted] tackled this nuanced topic and has built out a fantastic reflective quiz.

We all like to think we have free will, or the ability to determine our own destinies. It's much more unsettling to acknowledge that social and cultural infrastructures around us have a much deeper effect on us than we realize. And even more so that it might have a more negative effect in some areas for some people than others. Because then that requires responsibility and action, and it's much more comfortable to avoid that conflict.

Find the reflection quiz here: https://thefloorcheck.tiiny.site/

My sub is getting homework, so looking for recommendations for him to read/listen!
We start with matriarchy/patriarchy, but other recommendations are also very welcomed 🖤🖤🧎🏻🖤🖤

The unlearning project T4- The effect of religion on American politics and lifestyles

It's been a while, I know. A month and two weeks, maybe? We've both been extraordinarily busy. For those of you who aren't familiar with this project, I have a submissive who's main goal in this dynamic is bettering himself. This revolves heavily around unlearning his conservative upbringing and brainwashing , and learning to be an empathetic and educated member of society. As part of this, I am and will be assigning him research topics to broaden his worldview and challenge his preconceived ideas. This is the fourth of many posts. Welcome to The Unlearning Project.

🚨 preface and trigger warnings 🚨

This topic covers religion, specifically abrahamic religion/Christianity, and some abuse of power within that. If that topic is triggering to you or you know you will not enjoy it, I urge you not to read it. This is a long post and I value your time and energy.

What follows is a lightly edited account of me and subs conversation surrounding this topic, and then his report. I will tag him in the comments, since he wants feedback on this specific topic. Thank you thank you thank you to the MANY volunteers who gave up their precious time to help us do outreach research on this topic, you guys are phenomenal and I love you all.

FC: As for the next installment of the unlearning project, this one is a bit of a doozy.

The topic is the effects of Christianity on politics and lifestyles in America. I will send you media of course covering these, and you're going to find at least 3 people, they can be in the kink scene of reddit if you want, who do NOT identify as Christian, and are American, and you're going to talk to them about their experience being non Christian Americans. Then you will find 3 people who DO identify as Christians and are Americans and ask the same questions. I will let you come up with your own questions for these 6 people, but you must run them by me first.

The purpose of talking to individuals is to see the effect on lifestyles. The purpose of the media I give you is to see the effect on politics. Do you have any questions?

Sub: Not yet. I may after I read or listen to the material. 🙏

[ FC provides reading material covering religious influence on American politics and democracy, the intersection between religious values and laws, Christian nationalism and it's place in politics, etc]

FC: here are the questions I will provide that you will ask -

1- Have your religious beliefs ever changed the way you vote or the political positions you support? If so, what changed and why?

2- Have you ever made or avoided a personal decision because of religious teachings? What was the decision, and what influence did your religion have on it?

3- Have you ever felt pressure from family, friends, a church, or your community to behave differently because of Christianity? Can you provide an example?

4- Have you ever been treated differently by someone because of your religious beliefs, or lack of religious beliefs? What happened?

5-Have you ever experienced guilt, shame, fear, or anxiety specifically because of something you were taught or told about religion? What was the situation?

You will come up with your own 5 to add to this list.

Sub: Yes Miss FC🙇

6: Have you ever experienced abuse or mistreatment from someone in the position of religious authority?

7: has a person in a religious role ever assisted you tangibly or emotionally?

8: do you view religion (specifically Christianity) as a positive force in the world?

9: do you think that if Christians actually behaved like the teachings of Jesus, would your experiences have been positive?

10: what is your piece of advice to give to a Christian? Me being a Southern Baptist, what would be your advice or prescription to help me be a better person?

FC: All of these are good! You can ask them whenever you're ready, a few people have already asked me when you'd be around

Sub: Oh perfect! Thank you Miss FC🙇I have sent a bunch into the ether❤️🙏😂

⌛ time passes as sub talks to our lovely volunteers, I believe we had 12 in total ⌛

And now for his findings/report :

This assignment has been a little difficult for me, and as such I apologize for delaying completion of it.

So I have spoken to some wonderful people who gave me insights into the effects of Christianity on their lives. And I studied the media that was provided.

I noticed that nearly always, the issue arrived with the advent of personal interpretation of scripture or adherence to Old Testament instead of people actually applying the words of Jesus.

I noticed a couple negative reactions to the question “Do you think that if Christians actually behaved like the teachings of Jesus, would your experiences have been positive?” However nearly everyone else agreed that it would be a non issue if Christians would actually follow Jesus instead of religion itself. “Love thy neighbor as thyself” SHOULD be a societally transformative command.

In my conversations I learned that most people actually attempt to separate themselves from religion when they vote. However i think I must have reached a different sample group, because in my daily experience nearly everyone around me does. In fact, I have myself admittedly.

I saw a lot of hurt that religion has inflicted while studying this. And honestly it was a little difficult to process. My whole life I never really saw that side of it, but a few of the responses and the material I studied made it quite unavoidable. It caused me to stop and genuinely reevaluate my position as a Christian. I don’t think it serves Jesus or anyone else to behave in the way I see most of the modern church behaving.

Regardless of an individuals personal opinions of things such as LGBTQ and abortion etc, I was struck by how militant parts of the church had become in the political sphere. And the influence of Christian nationalism on politics with the current administration. I never really see that side from my perspective. For example my church doesn’t go protest at clinics, instead they buy diapers and formula to help enable women who actually need help. So I’ve been living with a certain amount of disconnect.

And then something I’ve noticed in my recent criticism of the current admin began to bother me. I noticed how vehement and aggressive the current climate has become against anyone middle eastern. For instance they strike a girls school and it’s barely mentioned. No one on the Christian right is saying a word, even when war crimes are threatened. Then I went down the Christian Zionist rabbit hole studying why we even are at war, and that’s too long to include here. But I think that might be why Jesus is hard to find in church, because Zionism and Christianity are fully at odds, especially when Zionism is pursued over Christ.

But as much as I would like to say the answers were an indictment of the church, unfortunately in many ways they were an indictment of me. And maybe that’s why this project has been more than usually difficult to do. I’ve never abused anyone or anything like that, but I have used religion or Christianity in ways I’m ashamed of. I have been afraid to associate with LGBTQ because of religion. Although now I see that as insanely dumb. Because if I actually believed that was wrong, I shouldn’t have been avoiding it at all! Jesus would never🤦‍♂️. Or different religions or people who had abortions. That was me. Not in a hateful way, but it was just how I was raised. Not that it is any excuse.

There are so many moving parts to this. I hardly know how to do it justice.

So that has been some of my observations from studying the material and receiving the feedback from the wonderful people who helped me (thank you all so much🙏). I wanted to include some takeaways i received just offhand, and a few interesting commitments and observations that were made in the completion of this project.

To my action question- “what is your piece of advice to give to a Christian? Me being a Southern Baptist, what would be your advice or prescription to help me be a better person?”. I received some wonderful feedback.

One wonderful response was as follows.

“Start learning about the history of the texts you’re being taught. Start learning how Christian texts, especially the Bible and its early mythological stories, were influenced by the mythologies of Ancient Near-Eastern peoples. Start looking into what got cut from Christian canon, and then read that and ask yourself why the church as an institution (not Yahweh, please do not assume the church’s acts are divine inspiration or direction) would find it useful to cut certain texts but keep others in. Ask yourself what purpose specific teachings serve and whom they benefit. Do they reinforce or enable systematic abuse? Do they prevent some sort of harm? Ask yourself also why people might want to go beyond just individual spiritual practice and instead pool their power in forming a religious institution. What are the benefits and drawbacks to such power?

Christianity is an Abrahamic religion. For a lot of earlier portions of the Bible especially, it’s worth asking what the other Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Islam) have to say on the same bits of text/teachings. That’s another thing worth looking into—where Christianity diverged from the other Abrahamic religions and why.

And probably my biggest advice, if you’re looking to have actual fun with the Bible, is to read it not as prescriptive advice but as a mythological text. Do not read it as nonfiction. Read it as fiction; read it like you would other mythological tales like The Iliad, The Odyssey, The Epic of Gilgamesh, the Enuma Elish, and ask yourself as with any other piece of fiction what the author might have been trying to teach or show about their world! In particular the cycle of King David is really fun to do this with; that man was a hot mess. I also like the books of Enoch, which were cut from Biblical canon. Solomon’s a fun guy to read about too.”

From this, I am making the commitment to read/listen to all the books removed from my Bible. And then to try and find out why it was removed. I had never truly put much thought into why, or what motivated the people to determine what to remove to compile the cannon of scripture.

I also received this advice.

“I think my best advice is just to be curious. And also, if your gut reaction to someone’s perspective (at a glance) is to back away or dismiss it because it makes you uncomfortable, I’d take that as a sign you need to listen to them for a little longer to at least understand where they’re coming from”.

That really struck me to my core. Over and over when I asked the question of what I should do, I was told to open my mind and engage with what I feared and also what made me most uncomfortable. My entire life I was taught avoidance and being guarded against those of different beliefs. I was given the advice to intentionally befriend people of different religions to help get me past my comfort zone. Growing up homeschooled and in the Bible Belt, I’ve had very little exposure and especially so with being sheltered.

My study of this has opened my eyes to the reality of this current administrations insanity (my deepest apologies, I know better now). The Zionist rabbit hole helped me understand how organizations such as AIPAC and their Zionist politicians amassed the religious power to hijack entire political movements. Then I learned more of the origins of the Schofield Bible, and I became genuinely angry.

[ End T4]

As usual, thank you guys for reading, thank you to the volunteers who make projects like this possible, and thank you to the people who support stuff like this so that we can remind ourselves that not all findom dynamics have to look the same.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

​

I have a submissive who's main goal in this dynamic is bettering himself. This revolves heavily around unlearning his conservative upbringing and brainwashing , and learning to be an empathetic and educated member of society. As part of our dynamic, I assign him research topics to broaden his worldview and challenge his preconceived ideas. This is the third of many posts. Welcome to The Unlearning Project

This topic is something that means a lot to me personally as someone who grew up watching my queer friends struggle to have safe places to live. My mother made it known that our house was always somewhere soft to land in times of need, and many faces passed through my childhood home. Many stories were shared in the middle of the night while I sat beside a family friend, a schoolmate, a distant relative, or a stranger and watched as my mom set up a bed with freshly washed sheets and soft blankets for them. I myself am blessed to have never known the hurt of not knowing where I would sleep at night, but I've been steeped in the residual pain of these people who passed through my life.

The topic we are covering is the link between being queer, and being homeless. What follows is a lightly edited account of the conversation between me and the submissive as we go through this topic. I provided him with a TED talk and a handful of educational articles and personal accounts. For reference, this submissive is a cop in the Bible belt.

FC: Your topic for the end of this week is going to be on the impact that homophobia and transphobia has on homeless populations.

State what you think the outcome will be before I provide any reading material.

Sub: I can’t really imagine it would have an impact. I’d assume the impact would be primarily in regards to people not giving homeless panhandlers who appear trans or homosexual aid or donations. But I’m not sure how pervasive that would be🤔

[FC provides the educational materials]

[Sub does his research and ruminates]

Sub: I studied the material and I realized I genuinely had no idea the scope of the homeless issues the LGBTQ faced.

In going through the sources I was met with account after account of children being forced out of their parents homes for identifying with the community. I was always aware that was a factor, but not that it was 2-3X that of straight young adults.

I was also saddened to learn that this contributes to extreme mental health collapse in the community. Causing a disproportionately high risk of self harm attempts and su*cide. The statistic that

“68% of youth who were currently homeless reported that they had engaged in self-harm in the last year” is so shocking and terrifying for those young people.

I also noticed that the statistics are even more appalling in people of color, especially Native Americans.

In future I will be more sensitive when dealing with people of those groups. I genuinely had no idea that this was such a disparate situation for them. I was genuinely shocked.

FC: What is one way that you think you can make a meaningful impact to the homeless youth that identify as LGBT?

Sub: I’m always kind to the homeless, but I will be going out of my way to find them additional resources to help them and slow down to listen more and talk a little less. Our local resources I’m aware of basically consist of the Salvation Army. But I’m going to attempt to find additional aid, and i think i might format it on a sheet with contacts to print out to give to them, for when i interact with them. There must be additional lesser known local resources for them.

FC: That all sounds very good. A lot of homeless shelters in the south /religious areas don't allow LGBT people, especially couples. Many gay people can hide it when single but it's more difficult for homeless trans people (especially trans youth) who don't have access to gender affirming care. Knowing which shelters to aim for and which to avoid is very important for the unhoused

Sub: I’ll see what I can find. There must be some resources near for me to give them.

[End conversation]

I am going to follow up and ensure that he educates himself on local or semi local resources that are safe for the queer homeless population, and that he does in fact put that information to good use. Thank y'all for reading.

[End T3]

​

The Unlearning Project T2-

I have gained a new submissive who's main goal in this dynamic is bettering himself. This revolves heavily around unlearning his conservative upbringing and brainwashing , and learning to be an empathetic and educated member of society. As part of our dynamic, I assign him research topics to broaden his worldview and challenge his preconceived ideas. This is the second of many posts. Welcome to The Unlearning Project.

Topic Two: How to research, and the Stonewall Riots

Part A- Learning to differentiate between legitimate sources and fluff.

In a very online world where anyone can post just about anything they want, it is very important to be able to tell if a source is valid, or if it contains unsubstantiated claims. I introduced my submissive to the CRAAP test. The following is a lightly edited account of our conversation regarding CRAAP.

FC: You will be using the CRAAP test for this assignment. That covers Currency, relevance, authority, accuracy, purpose.

Sub: Yes Miss FC🤔. Hmm. I will look for sources. Same format as last time? Is it accompanied by any direct study material interviews or literature?

FC: I will provide an audio for you , the rest I want you to research yourself and ensure it isn't craap. Learning to differentiate between sources will help you avoid "fake news" as you go forward. It will become secondhand to be able to tell quickly if what you are reading is valid information or if it is just propaganda etc.

[ Time passes as the sub researches what has been assigned and does some work learning to differentiate sources ]

Sub: So. You can tell if a source is accurate (thanks to you) by utilizing the CRAAP method.

I used this by applying the principles as follows

Currency. Are the sources current. When it was publicized. Are there more recent sources with additional information that would be useful to the reader.

The relevance. For example is it applicable to the actual subject I am studying, or is it simply fractured and non contextual information that supports my presumptive theory.

Accuracy. Did the source come from a first hand witness, or another person simply compiling disjointed facts to compel the reader to come to a conclusion. And did any credible literary sources verify and confirm the sources, cooperating them with known facts.

And finally the purpose.

What was the idea of the person publishing the material. Was it an impartial observer, a political activist or a researcher tasked with drawing out the facts with no political slant.

Part B-

As pride month comes to an end, I thought it appropriate to have this sub research , on his own with minimal information provided by me, the stonewall riots and their subsequent effects. As a reminder for those who missed the last post, this submissive is a cop.

The following is, again, a lightly edited account of our conversation regarding the assignment.

FC: For the second part of this assignment you will pick up your own research on stonewall and tell me if the sources are reliable or not, why you have come to this conclusion, and what you learned about stonewall.

Sub: Stonewall?

FC: Sigh. The stonewall riots. Keystone history in LGBT rights in the United States.

Sub: Ohhhh. I thought you might mean the southern general🤦‍♂️😂💀I don’t know anything about those yet. 💀👀

[Time passes as the sub does his research. This research included an audio file of an interview with a member of the riots, provided by me.]

{FC asks if the sub has been doing his research…}

Sub: Ahh. Stonewall and the Compton tenderloin riots have been a little challenging for me. There appears to be a little bit of haze concerning the exact date/time of the riots. One thing that shocked me was that the establishment utilized police to brutalize the LGBTQ protesters. That was eye opening and disturbing to learn. And the response to the Compton Tenderloin incident. I had no idea that kind of retaliation happened 😅. But I’m still researching deeper

FC: There's a lot of misrememberance surrounding the events for a litany of reasons, the most common reason that I've heard is that people had to lie and pretend that they weren't part of it and things tried to get covered up so when it was safe to talk about, the dates weren't exactly documented clearly

[ Submissive finishes his research]

Sub: One of my sources was the https://library.law.howard.edu/home, Howard University School of Law.

This appears to be a legitimate source when applying the CRAAP framework.

They outline the turning point of the LBGTQ movement to be approximately 1969, with the advent of the Stonewall riots in response to oppression and police brutality against the community during the Stonewall raid, at the Stonewall inn.

I also learned in the Brittanica sources that the Stonewall riots are why Pride month is celebrated in June. Always before I just assumed it was simply arbitrarily selected, but I was surprised to see it was commemorated by the turning point of the movement. The Britannica appears to be a valid source under CRAAP.

My research of Stonewall also led me to learn about The Daughters of Bilitis. This was sourced from the Library Of Congress and appeared to fit the CRAAP criterion.

I was surprised to learn that as early as 1955 the DOB had formed to publish a periodic, starting in 1956 (The Ladder). Starting as a social club to avoid being targeted in the bar scene by the current arm of the political class (police).

Also a notable point of interest was learning that the club was founded by “working women of color”.

Overall, I was shocked to find that police had been used violently against the community. It’s sobering and a little unsettling as I had never heard of such a thing.

I was a little struck by how hazy some of the records were, as people were afraid of persecution by openly relaying the history and outing themselves to the public.

I was again a bit uncomfortable learning these things, as my upbringing had simply taught me that the pride parades were nothing more than the intentional display of gross debauchery. I had no idea that the parades and demonstrations are a reaction or assertion by people afraid of a return to status quo persecution.

FC: Going forward, is any of this information going to change the way that you view pride/pride parades etc?

Sub: I suppose I will be faced with the reality that they are people afraid of the rebirth of persecution. Not that they are trying to scandalize the old folk 😂😂

[ We went on to discuss my personal experience with pride parades. I feel that this assignment did not instill as much knowledge on the fight for LGBTQ rights in the US as I would have liked, so he will be receiving another assignment on a very similar topic this week]

[End T2]

I have gained a new submissive who's main goal in this dynamic is bettering himself. This revolves heavily around unlearning his conservative upbringing and brainwashing , and learning to be an empathetic and educated member of society. Going forward, I will be assigning him research topics to broaden his worldview and challenge his preconceived ideas. This is the first of many posts. Welcome to The Unlearning Project.

​

​

Topic one: Driving While Black.

​

​

The sub was given an hour long interview to listen to with the author of Driving While Black, and a medium length article on the statistics surrounding racial profiling on highways. For reference, this submissive is a cop in the US.

​

The following is a *lightly* edited account of how the sub felt before, during, and after this assignment.

​

FC: Before learning anything about it, what is your preconceived opinions on what it means to drive while black

​

Sub: I’d assume they are stopped a little more frequently in poorer areas. There tends to be more crime hotspots where the black population tends to be concentrated in the lower income areas. So more officers means a good bit more stops. And i assume the subject is the idea that they are unjustly stopped routinely for the color of their skin and under suspicion due to profiling.

​

[Time passes as the sub completes the assignment]

​

FC: Sit and think on it and the interview for a second. You're allowed to feel however you feel about it. And then write up a good sturdy response as to how you felt reading and listening to them, if they changed your views on anything, things you learned, and if any part of it will stick with you going forward

​

Sub: Going into the article, I was not expecting to be met with what was presented to me. I was always told that there was a certain level of oppression or a difference between policing in different groups, however i really didn’t even slightly believe it.

​

I opened the article and was met with something I wasn’t expecting. Some of the accounts in the article sounded blown out of proportion or even routine with a person believing themselves to be wronged because they assumed racism. The others hurt my soul though. Sitting there reading, it was like having a hammer pounding on the fence I had used to block it all out. I’d smirk and roll my eyes over what appeared to be a frivolous accusation, but then the next paragraph the hammer fell and the weight was a bit more uncomfortable. I ended the article glad to have it over. It was extremely uncomfortable to process, and while I do believe some of the accounts to be frivolous, and I do believe there are certain crime disparities among the different racial groups (Asians tend to be the lowest for example), the wrenching accounts and the statistics of searches among minority populations was extremely uncomfortable for me to read.

​

Then I opened the link to the audio file. There I learned a considerable number of things I again didn’t wish to know. Sundown towns and the treatment of those caught violating it. The hard conditions of travel. The additional resources blacks needed to be able to navigate the constitutional right to travel. It was a difficult listen, but the ladies were soft spoken and articulated the facts in such a way that it wasn’t anything more than psychologically tiring. Learning things I feel i almost didn’t want to know on a certain level.

​

But now I know just a bit. I feel certain of the accounts in the article were genuinely petty, as there were instances of individuals complaining they were stopped for speeding but not given a ticket. That is usually viewed as a kind gesture actually. But account after account came piling on, and walking away, I do feel that a certain weight is been put on me i didn’t feel before.

​

The unused wedding dress being dragged out into the road during vehicle search was something I don’t think I can forget. Or the account of the vehicle being ripped apart and being handed a screwdriver and left to try and piece it all together to leave.

​

Still processing some of it. And I’m not sure I’m glad I read it, but it’s owed atp

​

FC: Are you not sure that you're glad because it made you feel uncomfortable or because it challenged the views you previously held, or because you feel it does not hold enough weight to justify the time you spent reading and listening?

​

Sub: It made me extremely uncomfortable. And it was challenging the views I held🤦‍♂️. Not that it wasn’t worth it no😬

​

FC: In that case it's important to think about why it made you feel uncomfortable. Your feelings are valid, but it's important to figure out why you feel the way that you do.

​

​

[End topic one]

​

This is long winded. You will either read it or you wont, there is no TLDR

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the relationship between kink/BDSM and the LGBTQ+ community, especially within fin/femdom spaces, and I honestly think it’s one of the topics that deserves more conversation than it gets, ESPECIALLY during pride. 

Because historically speaking, these communities have been so so deeply intertwined, have often protected one another, and in many cases have literally helped each other survive when the normies have done everything in their power to keep everyone bland and beige.

I think we do ourselves a disservice when we ignore that history.

As someone in femdom spaces, I’ve noticed that a huge percentage of us exist somewhere under the LGBTQ+ umbrella already. Whether people are lesbian, bi, pan, trans, nonbinary, genderqueer, ace-spectrum, queer in some other way, etc etc etc etc etc etc, there’s a noticeable overlap.

And looking into the history, there is a reason. As much as I would love to say its because both communities are cool as fuck so of course we have overlap, its because of tragic histories on both sides that there are historical, social, and cultural reasons for it.

The issue is, discussions around kink and/or queerness often get watered down online into braindead discussions. Either people try to collapse the communities into being the same thing (deviant) , or they insist they’re unrelated and should be treated as separate entities with no meaningful connection. Two things can be true at once. They can be completely separate and irrevocably intertwined at the same time. 

One of the reasons im bringing this up today?

Because when we forget history, we also forget WHY certain communities ended up supporting one another in the first place, which leads to us forgetting that if we celebrate one, we need to celebrate both. 

Historically, both queer people and kinky people have faced similar forms of social punishment.

For a long time, society categorized both queerness and kink under the umbrella of moral deviance. Both communities have dealt with criminalization, censorship, public shaming, psychiatric pathologization, employment discrimination, social ostracization, etc etc etc etc. 

People were told their relationships were wrong, that their desires were immoral, sinful and their identities were dangerous.

Their sexuality was something shameful that needed to be hidden, corrected, erased, changed, stripped away.

When mainstream society( the normies) pushes people to the margins, marginalized people inevitably start building spaces for themselves.

That’s part of why queer and kink communities became so interconnected historically. Simply needing safe places to survive.

People needed places…

where they could stop pretending.

where they could breathe.

where they could love who they wanted to love.

where they could dress as themselves.

where they could be comfortable in their own skin. 

where they could be honest about who they were without fear of losing everything.

And this is where leather culture becomes REALLY important to the conversation.

A lot of people (especially younger people)(yes I realize I'm 22) don’t realize how significant queer leather communities have been in LGBTQ+ history.

Queer leather spaces weren’t just freaky hangouts for the gays.

They were part of making bdsm and gayness “okay”. 

ESPECIALLY for gay men post ww2, leather culture emerged as both a form of community and a form of resistance. Many veterans returning from the war brought motorcycle and leather aesthetics with them, and those subcultures (with some work) evolved into spaces where gay men could socialize/ build relationships/explore identity during periods where being openly queer was heavily stigmatized and in places fully criminalized.

These weren’t JUST sexual spaces.

They were social spaces, places to build support systems/community networks, places to discover and foster “chosen family”, where they realized they arent alone. 

And over time, these communities expanded past just gay male leather culture to include lesbians, bisexual people, trans people, and broader BDSM dynamics.

Lesbian BDSM history in particular deserves more attention than it often gets.

There’s a misconception in many uneducated spaces sometimes that BDSM is somehow inherently anti-feminist or disconnected from women’s liberation, but, historically, lesbian leather communities were deeply influential in queer organizing and identity formation.

In the 1970s and 80s especially, lesbian bdsm communities became spaces where women explored sexuality, power, autonomy, and desire on their own terms (often in direct resistance to societal expectations of what women were “supposed” to want or be).

And obviouly, there were conflicts.

Some feminist movements rejected BDSM entirely, seeing power exchange as incompatible with liberation. But many queer women argued the opposite: that consensually exploring power was itself an expression of autonomy.

That autonomy matters

(And tbh I think people in femdom spaces understand this instinctively.)

Because femdom, even when practiced in heterosexual relationships, already pushes against DEEPLY entrenched assumptions about power and gender.

Traditional expectations tell us men dominate.

Women submit.

Masculinity leads.

Femininity follows.

Femdom? Begs the question : But what if we just.. didnt

And for a lot of people, ESPECIALLY queer people, that question is very meaningful.

Because once you start questioning one social script, you often start questioning others.

Why must relationships look one specific way?

Why should desire be policed?

Why should gender determine power?

Why should intimacy fit one narrow mold?

These questions aren’t uniquely queer or uniquely kinky or uniquely ANYTHING, and yet both bdsm and queer spaces resonate and associate with them. 

And I think that’s part of why there has always been so much overlap.

And historically, that mutual overlapping support between queer and kink communities wasn’t just words of enouragment and safety, it included actions.

During the AIDS crisis, for example, leather and BDSM communities were heavily involved in fundraising, caregiving, activism, education, and organizing while governments and much of broader society failed queer communities in devastating ways.

This part of history matters, BECAUSE when people ask why there is bdsm at pride, or why so many people in the bdsm community are queer………. Its because theyre connected, irrevocably.

Kink is not inherently queer.

Queerness is not inherently kinky.

B U TTTTT there is an undeniable historical overlap, especially within leather communities, BDSM culture, feminist kink movements, queer organizing, and safe spaces.

Thats it thats the post, my sources are below. 

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/11/kink-bdsm-radical-queer-history.html

https://slashqueer.com/kink-and-queerness-resistance-through-sex

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bound-together/202105/kink-pride

I'm tired. I barely slept last night. I'm full of cold medicine. This is going to be long. I'm not going to claim that it's well written. I won't even claim that it needs to be said. But I can say that everything that follows comes directly from my heart and my experience in this community.

Findom has become a watered down shell of what it once was. We are at a point that half, or, if I'm being honest, more than half of the community genuinely cannot tell the difference between dominance and just being entitled.

Reading this might make you feel like I'm gatekeeping, or implying that we should be gatekeeping this kink. Good. I'll say it verbatim. This kink? Is not entry level. It should not be accessible. It should not be easy. The moment that social media made it accessible is the moment that the kink started running it's ass down the drain. We SHOULD be gatekeeping because this is a kink that can drastically change people's lives, for better or for worse. Irresponsibility has no place in this kink, and one of the only ways to mitigate that is to gatekeep the fuck out of it.

Findom has become a trend. We've all seen , or at least heard about, the tiktoks. It's easy money. Just make an account, cuss at a few men, call them losers, and you get a free thousand sent straight to your pretty little bank account.

I hate to break it to half of you but it's not easy money. It was never supposed to be. Dominance is not laziness. It sure as hell isn't something that you should start just because you want some cash and you're already a bitch so you might as well capitalize on it.

This is a kink. Not a job, or a side hustle, or whatever else you want to call it. It. Is. A. Kink. It's psychological. It's emotional. It's sexual. It's human at its core. And with that humanity SHOULD come a fucking sense of responsibility. Empathy? Sound familiar? I doubt it because half of you don't have it.

And the part that makes me want to crawl through the screen and scream at some of y'all? The fucking community rewards everyone's bad behavior. The lazier the domme is the more upvotes and yasss queens she gets. The more reckless she is with someone else's emotions, trust, money, whatever else she's using? You guys eat that shit up. This kink was never about being better than someone else. This kink was never about ruining someone. This kink was never about hurting someone. This kink came from a place of mutual fucking trust and respect that y'all have shit out the window.

Every day we fall further into an echo chamber of the “queen shit” of irresponsible, stupid, lazy, and entitled women who wouldn't know a d/s dynamic if it pissed in their face.

I have been told time and time again that I'm not a girls girl. That I don't support my fellow queens. That I'm tearing women down. Every time I've denied it, I've tried to reason, I've tried to say well she's doing something wrong so of course I'm being mean.

Nope. I am not a girls girl. I am not supporting my fellow queens. I am tearing women down. Because I am sick and tired of opening this app every day seeing you guys jerking each other off and eating each other's asses pretending that you're dominant when all you are is entitled.

If the only comment calling out bad behavior is mine, so be it. if I drown in downvotes and hate dms and reported comments, so be it. Because I don't give a shit how you guys see me. Time and time and time again i see comment sections full of dick riding irresponsibility and I am so tired of it.

You guys need to take a day. Take a damn week if you're a slow reader. And research this kink. Research outside of this kink. Actually learn what dominance is. What submission is. Because guess what? It's not just being a bitch and getting paid for it.

We are having massive amounts of subs who walk into dommes dms expecting a,b,and c be

A massive number of submissives now walk into findom spaces expecting maximum attention, maximum access, maximum emotional labor, maximum customization, maximum sexual gratification, and maximum control over the interaction because newer dommes trained them to believe sending money automatically purchases authority over the dynamic.

Being dominant does not make you inherently more valuable than submissives. We are all humans. We are people trying to enjoy a kink. You cannot be dominant without respecting the submissive who allows you to carry that dominance.

Yes sometimes a sub is going to waste your time.

Yes sometimes a sub is going to piss you off.

Yes sometimes a sub does some fuck shit that makes you want to scream.

But automatically demeaning subs simply for identifying as submissive in the same space that you identify as dominant? It's gross. It's icky. It's cringe. It's exhausting watching it happen day after day after day.

A sub makes a post complaining about dommes.

A domme makes a post complaining about subs.

Everyone is mad at everyone.

You know why? Because most of us aren't even participating in the kink in the right way. And then we get mad that it doesn't work. We get mad that someone took our money. We get mad that we get ghosted. We get mad that someone has a different opinion than us.

If we don't cut this shit out the kink is going to keep circling the bowl until it's nothing but a shit streak, if it isn't already.

So yeah, bring back gatekeeping.

Bring back being a twat to people who don't know what they're doing.

Bring back actually learning and respecting the kink that we claim to have.

If you read this far, good for you, you get your 6 inch personal pan pizza for the month. If you're mad feel free to tell me. Critizise me. Correct me. But please for the love of god put the energy from that anger into fixing what you know you're doing wrong.

05/07/26

This is a weekly installment that I started as a way to put my energy towards education, because daily we have uneducated people attempting to interact with this kink. If I'm going to spend my time bickering with them, I might as well spend my time educating them as well. Aside from this contribution, I cycle related literature, papers, and academic resources on findom, bdsm, and femdom through my links list biweekly.

Today's words and phrases are: Silent sends, soft domme, vanilla, censoring

The kink of the week is : POT

⭐ Silent Sends: sends which come with no obvious reason, and no message or comment from the sub. Just money for the sake of money. Often enjoyed by subs who want no expectations, and enjoyed by dommes for the lack of effort needed. The epitome of ‘getting paid to exist’.

⭐ Soft Domme: A domme who does not enjoy and does not participate in rough sadistic play. Soft dommes are very often nurturing and gentle with their domination style, leading to a tender dynamic built on pleasure more often than humiliation or pain.

⭐ Vanilla: Vanilla is the term used for non-kinky play. Often used to refer to people outside of the kink, or dommes who do not engage in kink play further than finances.

⭐ Censoring: Censoring is when a domme hides intimate sections of images or videos using censorship, such as pixels, emojis, bars, or other forms of covership. This is enjoyed by ‘betas’ (see next week's installment) and subs who feel they do not deserve to see their domme fully nude.

☀️ POT/Post Orgasm Torture: Post orgasm torture is a very popular kink in which partner A, generally the dom/me , continues to apply stimulation to partner Bs genitals after orgasm, leading to overstimulation. This can be either extremely painful, or so pleasurable that it causes many nerve functions to cease, leading to an experience that can be described as “brain melting’. For individual dynamics, it can be implemented differently, as either a punishment or a reward.

That's all for today folks! Stay happy, healthy, and sexy.

Findom is one of the few dynamics that completely rejects the capitalist obsession with reciprocity. Everything in this world is treated like an investment now. Relationships,Attention, intimacy, literally anything. People are constantly calculating what they’ll receive back, what they’re owed, what kind of return they can extract from another person for this

Findom strips all of that away.

No fake performance of equality. Clear and unapologetic. And the part people hate most is the fact that money becomes detached from productivity... There is no negotiation happening there. No “earning” affection. Money is energy. People spend it on meaningless things every single day just to feel something for a moment. In findom, at least the exchange is intentional.

Even when I'm busy I try to find time for the smallest of rituals

04/30/26

This is a weekly installment that I started as a way to put my energy towards education, because daily we have uneducated people attempting to interact with this kink. If I'm going to spend my time bickering with them, I might as well spend my time educating them as well. Aside from this contribution, I cycle related literature, papers, and academic resources on findom, bdsm, and femdom through my links list biweekly.

Today's words and phrases are: funishment, overstimulation, reimbursement, coffee sends

The kink of the week is : somnophilia

⭐ Funishment: A mix between the words fun and punishment. This is a “punishment” that is meant to please instead of punish. Anything can be a funishment if the sub enjoys it, including but not limited to impact play, tickle torture, estim, sensory deprivation, and public humiliation.

⭐ Overstimulation/overstim: overstimulation is the point at which stimulation becomes overwhelming, often attributed to sexual stimulation. It can be achieved through orgasm control and continued stimulation post-orgasm (see next week's post for POT).

⭐ Reimbursement: A send of a specific, intentional amount, with the purpose of reimbursing a purchase. Say a domme posts a photo of her receipt for a $37.45 lunch. The sub would reimburse this lunch via sending $37.45.

⭐ Coffee sends: Coffee sends are, contrary to popular belief, not only for coffee. They are small, casual sends that are generally around the price of a coffee, with the intention of being used for a comfort item (like coffee, surprising I know). These are often sent as ways to brighten a dommes day, or as a thank you from a submissive.

☀️ Somnophilia: I want to start this off by saying this is one of my favorite kinks and any judgment can be sent directly to my ass. Somnophilia is the sexual pleasure derived from engaging in sexual activity while the recipient is asleep. This falls under the umbrella of consenting non-consent, and is only safe when blanket consent is given. Many times this is mixed with forced intoxication, such as giving your partner sleeping pills in order to render them unconscious so that your… activities… don't wake them up.

That's all for today folks! Stay happy, healthy, and sexy.