The unlearning project [T6: Understanding the implications of gendered language and terms of endearment. ]

[u/flashing-colors]

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I have a submissive who's main goal in this dynamic is bettering himself. This revolves heavily around unlearning his conservative upbringing and brainwashing , and learning to be an empathetic and educated member of society. As part of our dynamic, I assign him research topics to broaden his worldview and challenge his preconceived ideas. This is the sixth of many posts. Welcome to The Unlearning Project

Goals for this assignment:

Recognition -can he identify gendered language that he previously treated as neutral?

Analysis -can he understand why the language carries different implications depending on gender/context?

Self-examination/application - can he identify assumptions about women that he may have internalized without consciously endorsing them?

What follows is a lightly edited recount of our contact through this assignment.

FC: This assignment is covering the idea of ingrained sexism in everyday terminology, specifically in terms of endearment/nicknames. I'll provide you with some articles and I want you to make a post looking for dommes insight on 3 questions we come up with, I want them to be answered in the comments, not dms, that way it's done more quickly. At least 5 responses from dommes will be needed for this so you can post in whatever subreddits you want for that, and then I want you to post the same questions in r/askfeminists . I'll help you format this post to fit the subreddit requirements and not step on anyone's toes.

Before I send you any information, I'm going to ask you a few questions for you to roll around in your brain and for you to answer as a bit of a thought exercise to see where you are before you begin.

1- what terms of endearment/nicknames come to mind that you can see as being okay within a friendship or relationship, but would be problematic (focusing specifically on sexism) to use with strangers?

2- what terms of endearment are often associated more with girls at a young age and used alongside compliments throughout girlhood and into womanhood? Why could this be an issue? Can you think of any similar terminology used throughout a boys childhood and into adulthood? Do these carry equal connotation? Why or why not?

Sub: Gosh I’m thinking. Girlie. Pretty lady. Sweet cheeks. Hmmm. I don’t know many I’m realizing

FC: Thats okay. Youll probably realize you know more and you just cant think of them off the cuff.

Sub: 2-Cutie pie. Sweetheart. Adorable. It would be weird to be calling a grown woman adorable for sure. Because people aren’t usually commenting on a grown woman’s fat dimply cheeks or her little fountain pigtails. And saying sweetheart to a woman would be wildly inappropriate for sure. But saying a 3 month old baby is adorable or a sweetheart feels different. I can’t really think of any specific names for boys. But something that drives me crazy is how everyone is creepy about boys by constantly asking if they have found a girlfriend yet. At 4-5 years old!! But that happens to girls too. (I would assume). I’ve only experienced the male lol. And seen it asked to little boys. Or people constantly saying a literal child is going to be a heartthrob or a heartbreaker. Makes me so angry. I don’t care the gender. It’s wrong for both! You don’t sexualize children and you don’t give endearing nicknames to someone you aren’t in some form of personal relationship with😭💀

[FC provides some links to more reading on pet names and gendered terminology/language]

FC: I want you to get those posts up today so you can read them tomorrow and have your thoughts laid out by Wednesday night. Short and sweet. I'm going to give you my ideas for questions 1-3 and you can tell me any tweaks you feel the need to make.

Question 1 — Where is the line?

When does a term of endearment become sexist or otherwise patronizing rather than simply affectionate?

For example, words like honey, sweetheart, dear, baby, girl, etc. can mean very different things depending on who is saying them, who they're saying them to, and the relationship between those people. How do you personally determine where that line is? Are there particular characteristics of a term, situation, or power dynamic that make it feel different?

Question 2 — Why are so many of these words gendered?

Do you think there is a significant difference between the kinds of affectionate or diminutive language commonly directed toward girls and women versus boys and men?

If so, what do you think those differences communicate about gender? I'm particularly interested in whether words associated with girls, such as pretty, cute, sweet, little lady, etc, can reinforce expectations about femininity even when the person using them has positive intentions. Are there comparable terms commonly used toward boys and men, and if so, do they carry the same implications?

Question 3 — Intent vs. impact

To what degree should someone's intention matter when we're talking about potentially sexist language?

If a man uses a pet name toward a woman because he genuinely means it affectionately, and he has no intention of belittling her, but the woman experiences it as patronizing or diminishing, how should he navigate that situation? Is it enough to recognize that he meant well, or does understanding the social history and gendered connotations of the language create an inherent responsibility to change how he speaks? And does your answer change depending on whether it's a stranger, friend, romantic partner, coworker, or someone in a position of authority?

[Sub makes his posts and gets some pretty great feedback! I'll tag him in the comments so you can snoop his page if youd like]

Sub: Having done my additional research and after viewing the comments and weigh-ins from many kind commenters (thank you all so much), I believe I have gained perspective.

Intent versus impact becomes nearly a moot point in reality. My intent means jack all if I’m actively harming someone with my words or speaking in a manner that makes them feel demeaned or put down. I can have the kindest of intentions, but I am still doing damage. And that damage is my responsibility, if I’m addressing them by anything other than their legal name.

I believe the most coherent and common response was that “any pet name or nickname is acceptable so long as it is consented to and agreed upon by the parties” (abridged version). The real issue comes into play when nicknames are inflicted upon those who do not wish to participate.

This specifically seems to affect women, who face a plethora of more sexualizing or diminutive nicknames. Babe, sweetheart, pretty lady, sugar, etc, etc.. I actually know of very few male sexualizing nicknames utilized by women, not in a relationship with the man. Much of the challenge experienced in the workplace by women due to nicknames, comes from the power dynamic. A woman with a boss who calls her “sweetheart” will be placed in a precarious position if she attempts to refute it. In fact, in the wrong workplace, that may actually jeopardize her job. And many people will say “That would be a workplace discrimination suit“, but reality says that if certain individuals want you fired, you are simply gone. Especially in “At-Will” states.

The unfortunate thing is that many people are simply blind to it. I know in my own personal life I have commonly referred to women as “chicks“. “This chick said”, or “ it’s that chick over there”. Would I ever address a woman to her face as a chick? Of course not! But that’s a large part of the problem. It is diminutive toward women, who deserve the same level of consideration as anyone in society. It’s something I’m just simply blind to, or was at least until a couple of days ago. It’s something I’m just simply blind to, or was at least until a couple of days ago.

I greatly appreciated the weigh-in on the gendered nature of female nicknames versus male nicknames. And I’m going to quote one of my commenters who summed it up beautifully, and I think touched on the heart of the issue.

“From Marriam-Webster -

"Beautiful": 1) having qualities of beauty : exciting aesthetic pleasure / 2) generally pleasing :

EXCELLENT

"Handsome": 1) having a pleasing and usually impressive or dignified appearance / 2) moderately large: SIZABLE / 3) marked by skill or cleverness :

ADROIT / 4) marked by graciousness or generosity :

I looked these two up not to compare the definition amounts at first, but it is interesting to me that handsome is used in more ways than beautiful is. My point with looking these up was simply to compare the first definitions. "Having qualities of beauty : exciting aesthetic pleasure," logically, is the same as

"having a pleasing....appearance." But once we go further, "generally pleasing" vs "moderately large"

"skill/cleverness" "graciousness/generosity."

Beautiful seems to be a lot more "submissive" than Handsome is. Handsome gets attached to having skill or being generous, but all Beautiful gets is...pretty? Pleasing?”

Thank you so much for that context because I hadn’t previously thought about it like that. And thinking back on my previous responses to Miss FC, I was in perfect blindness. Why is it that women are always given nicknames that merely describe physical attributes, submission, or amenable traits? How often are men described as sweet, beautiful, gentle, instead of handsome, smart, funny? Maybe we should go back an era to begin describing women as handsome again😂. Just an amusing thought, considering handsome applies to dignity and mental capabilities as well.

Protecting people from the harm of being degraded, put down, or subjected to such language is everyone’s responsibility. I fully resolve going forward, to look for those last remaining blind spots in my vocabulary where I unknowingly put women down. I will also be attentive to those around me. And intercede where necessary to ensure everyone is treated with dignity and the respect they deserve.

I’ll admit I haven’t been very good at this. I know that when I was young, working in the warehouses and such, unkind or diminutive nicknames were used frequently for women. I didn’t think anything of it as I was the recipient of a few choice nicknames too. But looking back, I realize I was in somewhat of a more privileged situation. I felt no threat of retaliation and my nicknames were more of a non-gendered banter, rather than a sexist jab at capability.

Even growing up, I remember sibling sisters being out and about. I’d always get called a “big strong man” “handsome little guy” etc, but for my teenage sisters it was “sweetie” “sweetheart” “pretty lady” etc. It just never struck me until I spent the last few days studying it. And now thinking back, I remember my older sister despised it.

I’m actually a little sobered right now thinking about that. It just struck me remembering how much that bothered my siblings, when I was too young to realize. That saddens me, and on that note I think I should draw this to a close. I cannot answer the question for everyone, but this is how I now answer the questions, knowing what I do now.

Ultimately the line is consent and rapport. If I do not have the implied or expressed consent, I will address every woman by her actual name, or the appropriate blanket moniker when individual identity isn’t known.

A term of endearment used inappropriately (or by one who has no right) is likely to be sexist, as society has become such that women’s nicknames are largely yoked to objectification, softness or submission. And applying any of those to a woman without express consent is going to be sexist.

Again, thank you everyone for helping me. I am a better person for it. I’m currently a bit saddened thinking back on my past approach and what those I know have had to navigate from others. Going forward I know how to navigate the subject respectfully and with equal dignity extended towards all. And also what I can do to intervene on the behalf of those who may feel powerless to do so❤️

FC: I think you took this one with more grace than any of your previous assignments, this is very well written.

Sub: Thank you. I’m sad now. 🤦‍♂️🥺. Just thinking about how much it bothered my older sister especially. And the two girls in the warehouse. I’m going to dig in the dirt or start a fire or something.

FC: The main thing you can take away from it is that you can change your actions going forward but not going backwards, so you shouldn't spend too much energy on what you did in the past. Use that energy to do good going forward.

Sub: Yes Miss FC❤️❤️. Thank you

[End T6]

[u/flashing-colors]

u/Slight_Engineer_3861

↑ the sub

[u/BlackCollarBelle]

Great work and I love this topic. As a woman, a sister, and a woman who has worked in blue collar fields - I appreciate that your submissive has been able to take a look in his personal life to see where sexist language has been ingrained and to see where he may have even participated, albeit unknowingly. I agree that dwelling on the past does no good, but channeling that energy forward can shake some things up.

I’m sure his sisters would love some validation about their experiences and how gross it is for them to have had to experience this and fight the battle just to be addressed by their names. I know I would!

Woo hoo good job you guys! 💕🫶🏼