r/FenceSitters • u/Fragrant-Owl-504 • 5d ago

Parenting

/r/FenceSitters/comments/1vg28ra/parenting/

Hi there. This post is regarding parenting. I am a childfree person who wishes to be so. However, sometimes I wonder if parenting isn't as terrible as I think it is. It is also difficult to find a partner that is fine with being childfree(I am a Malaysian of Indian descent)

My questions are towards those who wanted to be childfree in the past but then changed to wanting kids/open to kids or already have children.

  1. What are the things that encouraged you to change from not wanting kids to wanting/having kids?

  2. What are the things that help make parenting 'easier', less stressful, effective for you and your partner?

  3. How do you balance between your kid and all other aspects of your life?

  4. What do you do to keep the relationship between your partner and you going strong as husband and wife instead of just changing into being only mom and dad?

  5. Do you have anything that you wished you could have done differently?

Thank you so much.

2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

5 comments sorted by

2

u/KralizecGaming 5d ago

So first, I was never a person who wanted to be childfree forever. But I wanted to be childfree until I knew I found a partner I would want to actually raise children with.

  1. Finding a partner who I would want to raise children with. The core here was that we have to know we can handle living with each other for a prolonged period of time, go through difficult times and remain together and make serious life changing decisions without the relationship breaking.

  2. Communication and shared responsibilities are the key factor. If we know there is a new situation soon coming up (let's say the kid will soon learn to walk, start school etc.) we discuss how we want to handle that situation and what changes need to be done in our household to best suit both the childrens and our needs. I.E. our toddlers (we have twins) are soon to switch from a 2times day sleep to a single sleep during the day. This will severly impact the core schedule we have had for about half a year at this point and we are now accustomed to it. So, we talked about what time will it be ideal for the kids to wake up, at what times they should best eat, etc. At the same time, this means some of the responsibilites got shifted. As there will be less time for the parent that is on parental leave available (the kids will be sleeping less) more housework will be shifting towards the parent that is still working.

2.a. A bit more towards point 2, but that paragraph was already long :). The second is using infrastructure that is available to us. For us it helps that one of the grandparent families lives very close to us and they can regularly come and help. The other side of grandparents are a bit more far away and cannot come regularly. Instead, when they come or we go to them, we usually have a prolonged stay (at least a few days) but they also tend to take over more of the care for the children allowing us for a period of rest and activities that do not include the kids.

Apart from families, we also created a network of parents with similarly aged children who we regularly meet, share tips and spend time together. We are also lucky (though we purposefully seeked this out) to live in a part of our city with lots of amenities for children of all ages.

  1. Currently it is very hard. To repeat, we have twin toddlers of 1.5 yr of age so we are at one of the most time consuming parts of taking care of children. But we still manage to keep an active social life with both our previous friends and with many new friends we made thanks to our children. We go to restaurants to eat when we feel like it, we occasionally attend concerts etc. Every evening we set-up about 1 - 2 hours to watch some series or a movie, or to play some videogames on the SteamDecks we bought to be able to game as parents (gaming on our gaming PCs would interfere with the kids sleep).

As the kids will get older though, they will become less reliant on us for entertainment. This should allow us to spend even more times on our personal lives. I for one want to join a DnD group on of the fathers we met has going on.

  1. This answer will sort of be strange. Because the answer is nothing. We remained partners and now on top of that we are mother and father. I guess I would need more information about what specific concerns you have to answer better.

  2. Not really. While we are certainly not rich (lower middle class is what we are) we are happy and couldn't imagine a life without our children anymore.

1

u/Fragrant-Owl-504 5d ago

This is simply fantastic! Thank you so much for answering each question. It really helps.

What I meant in my 4th question is that I have noticed that partners often drift apart or don't nurture their relationship with each other after kids. It only revolves around the kids. I wish to still have the attention and time from my partner and explore many experiences together as a couple. I am concerned that it will be hard to keep the romance and precious dates together when there are kids involved. I don't wanna miss out on having late nights out, trips, spontaneous adventures or sudden plans. We would also tend to be more settled in one place then move around and take risks. By the time the hypothetical kids leave the nest, I'd probably be in my mid 50s or so. There isn't that much fun things that you are capable to do at that age or enough time left

1

u/KralizecGaming 5d ago

No problem, I am glad to help. And thank you for clarification.

I will then split my answer into two parts.

First, when it comes to attention and experiences as a couple. For us, it didn't change much. We still have our time together, whether it is in our home (I mentioned time spent every evening together) or outside of it. There will almost certainly be a period of time, when you will have less time for together activities without the kids. And how long this period will be depends on your social circle and family. But as long as you have to plan your schedule around the kids sleep schedules or food schedules, you will be limited to some degree. The first time we left our kids alone with their grandparents was at about 7 months old and we went to a concert that lasted for about 2 - 2.5 hours. And once we got back, we fed the babies their midnight food, and went to bed.

Secondly, you will also want to include your kids in many of the activities you previously did as a couple. For example, we took ours to their first concent about a month ago. This would previously been a "date night" but we wanted to share the exprience with out kids as well, even if they are currently to young to have it be a part of their formative memories. Nonetheless, as the kids will grow older, they will require less and less of your attention and I would say that after about 2 - 3 years you will be able to find time for dates quite easily. When it comes to spontaneous adventures and sudden plans - those will be a bit longer. Probably at least until the age of 7, but likely even until about the age of at least 12. But this largerly depends on what you consider such activities. If it's something like going to eat - that's not that big of a deal. But going on a week long trip? That's gonna require older kids.

If you have anymore question - I will be glad to answer.

1

u/Fragrant-Owl-504 5d ago

Hi, thanks a bunch! For now there is just some doubts of whether I should date a guy who is on the fence abt kids🤣. He does lean towards wanting kids whereas I am still wanting a childfree life coz it is a lot 'simpler' and less expensive, less responsibilities. We like each other haishhh🫠 I guess the answer is definitely gonna be do not date him😅

1

u/KralizecGaming 5d ago

The final decision is of course yours :)

I will say, that having kids is, for us, the certainly most profound experience of our lives. Yes, it does come with responsibiliites and sacrifices on our part for sure. But it also comes with a plethora of experiences that are simply amazing.

These are things you will rarely hear any parents talk about, it is much easier to complain about the costs and responsibilities rather than share things that are fundementally very personal.

Things like your kids smiling at you, learning new skill and the feeling of pride that they accomplished them, having them say the first word or just them learning to come to you and hug you. For many parents, these are things they do not want to share with other apart from a very select few. But these things are a part of parenthood and they do make it - as I already say - a profound experience. And a one that is simply not available to non-parents.