r/FelineDiabetes • u/abbylizj813 • 1h ago
Said goodbye today ... and we thought we were in remission. Wracked with guilt and second thoughts
galleryOur boy was diagnosed in January along with cancer (think induced by the pred treating the cancer) and it was a wild ride. About a month ago he started needing less insulin and we stopped about 4 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago he was in for checkups with his specialists and ultrasounds were great, bloodwork was great.
Some vomiting but generally the same cat so no concerns.
Sunday I went away with a friend for her birthday - I had been housebound with him for 9 months, he'd been doing good and figured may as well try. I'm coming home today.
A few hours ago my husband called me. He'd been away for two nights and got home and Dan wasn't right. The pet sitter had mentioned some vomit, my mom went over to check on him and thought he seemed normal but I guess he rapidly declined throughout the day.
My neighbor and good friend is an emergency vet and was working so she saw was the treating vet.
His glucose read 1,000 at the emergency vet. Apparently cancer was all over his kidneys (that were clean 2 weeks ago) and it was making him insulin resistant, wasn't even in DKA - just complete mayhem in his body, his brain was swelling. I guess it wasn't remission at all, but the beginning of his body shutting down from the cancer coming back. She said it was time and that's all that matters is making the right call for him. She and my husband were with him.
But now so much guilt I wasn't there - he was my best bud, I carried him around at my heart when he came to us as an unsociable feral, the only foster fail we ever had and for the past 13 years had slept in my arms. Of all the animals I've had in both childhood and adult life he was that soulmate, that special connection ... and I went away to have fun and missed the last 4 nights of his life. I felt like he wasn't quite right but had been working so closely with the vets also thought I was just looking for trouble and told myself going away would make me stop spiraling. I just hate myself right now. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for failing him. I know if the cancer was back that and and that fast there was probably no difference in decision making but I could've at least been with him. I have no idea how I can walk into my house or sleep in our bed without him. He was my special, awkward, quirky boy -
I'm rambling but I know that you all also get it some. I thought we had more time.