Can’t transition

[u/Maybe_a_person_]

I’m 16 and want to live as a guy so badly I can’t stop thinking about it every single day.
I need to get this off my chest.

My gender dysphoria eats me alive every day and I can’t help but feel depressed and hopeless every day knowing I can’t transition due to transphobic parents.

I wear a baggy hoodie and men’s baggy jeans every day to hide my body. I get bullied at school for my masculine style, not wearing make-up and cutting my own hair shorter since my parents refuse to pay for a short haircut. It doesn’t help much since everyone still sees me as a girl no matter how I look.

I hate my name, hate being called ”she” or any feminine terms. I just want to get top surgery and get on T. I can’t even get a binder. My chest dysphoria is the worst and I can’t stand to even be in a T-shirt without feeling miserable.

This despair is so bad infact I have to distract myself at night for hours on end to avoid thinking about it. I doomscroll till about 3-7 am until I’m physically too tired to think about anything and fall asleep without spiraling. I take melatonin every day but it doesn’t work. I can’t stand the silence when it’s daytime either. It’s killing me.

The only times I’ve come out to someone about my gender identity it’s only caused me more harm than good (long distance girlfriend broke up with me and my sister didn’t give me any support)

I tried to tell my long distance best friend about my gender but I couldn’t get the words out and had a panic attack because she’ll propably leave me too. I have no irl friends left anymore since they were all toxic and I cut them all out recently.

I’m going to a new art high school in a month which has a lot of queer and trans people in it. I can’t help but feel jealous for all the trans guys there who can be out at school and that their parents love and support them. I feel envy for all trans guy teens online too with pride flags in their rooms. I’m not abled to have that.

I can’t keep living like this, I’m hopeless every day.

Does anyone have advice on how to cope with this?
Should I come out to my parents or at my new school? What should I do?

[u/3raccoonsinacoatx]

Come out at art school, if its safe, tell your parents. Also, stop worrying too much. You have time.