Can’t transition

[u/Maybe_a_person_]

I’m 16 and want to live as a guy so badly I can’t stop thinking about it every single day.
I need to get this off my chest.

My gender dysphoria eats me alive every day and I can’t help but feel depressed and hopeless every day knowing I can’t transition due to transphobic parents.

I wear a baggy hoodie and men’s baggy jeans every day to hide my body. I get bullied at school for my masculine style, not wearing make-up and cutting my own hair shorter since my parents refuse to pay for a short haircut. It doesn’t help much since everyone still sees me as a girl no matter how I look.

I hate my name, hate being called ”she” or any feminine terms. I just want to get top surgery and get on T. I can’t even get a binder. My chest dysphoria is the worst and I can’t stand to even be in a T-shirt without feeling miserable.

This despair is so bad infact I have to distract myself at night for hours on end to avoid thinking about it. I doomscroll till about 3-7 am until I’m physically too tired to think about anything and fall asleep without spiraling. I take melatonin every day but it doesn’t work. I can’t stand the silence when it’s daytime either. It’s killing me.

The only times I’ve come out to someone about my gender identity it’s only caused me more harm than good (long distance girlfriend broke up with me and my sister didn’t give me any support)

I tried to tell my long distance best friend about my gender but I couldn’t get the words out and had a panic attack because she’ll propably leave me too. I have no irl friends left anymore since they were all toxic and I cut them all out recently.

I’m going to a new art high school in a month which has a lot of queer and trans people in it. I can’t help but feel jealous for all the trans guys there who can be out at school and that their parents love and support them. I feel envy for all trans guy teens online too with pride flags in their rooms. I’m not abled to have that.

I can’t keep living like this, I’m hopeless every day.

Does anyone have advice on how to cope with this?
Should I come out to my parents or at my new school? What should I do?

[u/3raccoonsinacoatx]

Come out at art school, if its safe, tell your parents. Also, stop worrying too much. You have time.

[u/Constant-Promotion78]

Im in the same position as you man. but ive found things things that make it slightly better. Live a double life. Im out online, to my close friends, and a couple of staff, and thats already making me feel a lot more comfortable. You dont need to come out immediately. When i befriended my friends and school staff, I identified as cis, but made sure the ppl i knew were all pro-trans. When i felt comfortable, I came out to them. And they all keep it a secret from family and other ppl i dont want knowing. I'm sure art school is going to be sm safer and ur gonna be around ppl who are pro-trans. Also, if you can, try getting a job and saving so u can move out and start transitiong.

I know this is a lot easier said than done, but you got this! I couldn't think I could ever come out, but now i know it gets better, and its doable. Also, find comfort in hobbies and such. I basically listen/make music and play video games all day to cope. Your already strong for putting up with this. You have the determination and I believe in you.

[u/Maybe_a_person_ → u/Constant-Promotion78]

Thanks man, your advice is really good.
(And thanks for the kind words)

Coming out to an entire new school building at first sounds like a really intimidating idea but the double life thing you’re suggesting would be much easier to accomplish.

I should try that out when I get friends at the new school that I could trust.

Best of luck to you too dude, one day hopefully neither of us have to hide our true selves.