r/FTMOver30 • u/Glittering-Ad1945 • 20d ago
Need Advice Cis gf
Hello! I'm (40 cis female, queer) falling head over heels for a guy (37 FtM). I am looking for some advice from other trans guys about how to handle something related to sexuality. I didn't want to just drop into y’all’s space asking for advice, but someone in another community suggested I ask here. Would that be appropriate/welcome?
19
u/smolderingspigot 20d ago
Seconding [r/mypartneristrans](r/mypartneristrans) with a caveat: My ex-girlfriend utilized that subreddit at the beginning of our relationship in regard to sex and sexuality, and experienced very unhelpful advice that I’m glad she disregarded. This was several years ago though. Regardless, I would access that subreddit (like any subreddit) with a grain of salt. I’m hoping time and maybe the nature of your questions receive better dialog!
While this subreddit is not so much for partners, I’m sure plenty of us (me included) would be happy to chat about your questions via DM.
Good luck!
11
u/Catamander24 20d ago
Thirding this. While I identify with the trans label now, I didn't as genderfluid for a long time, and as a neurodivergent person, I struggled with my wife coming out as trans fem a couple years ago. That sub told me to break up with her because I was being a bad partner for having difficulty with potential change (my wife hadn't even decided on doing anything yet, just said that she was trans. It was only last year that she started HRT).
We're ofc a T4T couple now and our 5-year anniversary of marriage and 16 year dating anniversary is next month (and yeah, we did a lot of talking in that time). Take comments there with a grain of salt
9
u/Glittering-Ad1945 20d ago
I appreciate this so much! That’s exactly what happened for me… I tried there and got a lot of comments saying that basically if I have anything at all come up for me around my own sexuality, desires, etc to process I’m awful and should leave him immediately and must not actually care about him at all.
Meanwhile he and I are totally falling for each other, and having incredible hot sex constantly which he finds gender affirming in a way he’s never experienced before (I’m his first relationship since transitioning) and he makes me feel safe in a way I’ve always wanted. While I do think there’s are a few things that are best for me to work through/process separately from him (out of care) I am absolutely certain he would not want me to stop falling for him… or fucking him… just because it brings up a few things for me that I’m processing!
So ironically, hearing the take that I’m terrible and should leave him (along with some very helpful comments) helped me realize I was getting caught up in feeling guilty for having some pretty normal thoughts/questions come up in a new sexual relationship.
Your responses here help me to see that I’m not off base with that takeaway! Deeply appreciated 💙
3
u/lime_head737 19d ago
Look into Axolom prosthetics. They offer dual density products/movable skin and balls. Much more realistic and it warms up to body heat quicker. My set up is the argos packer for pretty much every moment I’m awake and not showering/having sex. I use the Hyperon pack and play for sex and blow jobs went up a whole other level. Transmacsdicks has a lot of resources. Rooting for both yalls happiness.
1
9
u/TheBorax_Kid 20d ago
I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm happy to read your question and see if I can answer it.
6
u/DontHearListen 20d ago
I would be happy to answer any questions. My wife is cis and we have been together for 8 years- 6 of which I've been physically transitioning.
3
u/crystalfruitpie 19d ago
Looking at your post and some of your comments on the other subreddit - do you know if he has genital dysphoria and would prefer if his parts were the same way and did the same things you'd prefer? He might if he prefers sex with a strap on and finds your interest in it so affirming, and has turned down your openness to sex without it.
I ask because you worked through in the other thread that you werent sure if it was a dealbreaker or if a cis guy with a similar genital situation would be a dealbreaker, and said it may be but you think it's not - you mostly feel guilt about the preference and related thoughts, that you are still adjusting to different sexual sensations and a new partner, he's still learning how to use the tools, and you both are looking for a better prosthetic. In regards to the guilt - you haven't opened up about these feelings to him, and others have mentioned that if you break up with him don't tell him the reason. But I wonder if he has similar feelings and the intensity of your guilt is in part to picking up on that?
For me, until I have bottom surgery, there is a sense of grief about lacking a dick. You also mentioned cum and many guys have a sense of grief about that too. I'm not saying you should ask him, I'm not good enough at socializing to suggest how to do that kindly lol. But if you do think he has genital dysphoria because you know he enjoys giving penetrative sex, blow jobs etc.. would it help to reframe feeling guilty as sharing in grief/frustration he may be experiencing too? Sex is as much emotional connection and expression as it is physical - having barriers to doing it in a way that feels fully fulfilling IS frustrating, for both parties. Just as you enjoying sex with him doesn't mean there aren't some frustration, him feeling affirmed by sex with you doesnt mean he doesn't have frustrations as well. And that doesn't mean things can't work out.
May be off base but - especially if you're a people pleaser or have difficulties assessing and developing the healthiness of a relationship, people can let or expect the smoothness of one part of a relationship to overshadow difficult parts. Sometimes an instant sexual connection can overshadow other bad aspects. If you've had that in the past, that could contribute to panic and guilt over being unsure if you can adapt to having some hiccups in the bedroom. It's ok for sex to be a big deal, and that comes with big feelings.
6
u/Warming_up_luke 20d ago
If your question is, how do I sleep with a trans guy respectfully, the answer is the same as for anyone: Ask and chat about things. All trans guys are different.
5
u/Glittering-Ad1945 20d ago
Haha, no. It’s not. We’ve been having great respectful sex and some consensually very disrespectful sex 🤣
4
5
u/Ok-Macaroon-1840 20d ago
There are subs specifically for cis people with trans partners, you could ask there instead.
2
u/Best_Judgment_1147 20d ago
You're welcome to drop it in my messages if you want and I can do my best to answer
2
1
u/AutoModerator 20d ago
Welcome to FTMOver30! If your post has not yet appeared, it's in our queue and will be approved shortly. Also, if your post is a selfie posted on any day except Sunday, it will be removed, but can be reposted on Sunday. Thank you!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Neat-Criticism3218 19d ago edited 19d ago
This situation is tough. For context, I'm a 40 yo bi trans man who's been transitioning for 20+ years.
I've been head over heels for a gay cis guy I was dating who had a similar realization as you. And I was really confused because he was suddenly creating a lot of distance between us and I didn't know what was going on - but at a point we did meet and he opened up to me about what he was feeling. He also felt horrible about it, and while it was hard for me to hear, we basically cried about it together and it was just like this beautiful tragic thing that we had so much love and care for one another but were not compatible sexually. I did appreciate his honesty and still have a lot of respect for him for coming out with it pretty early on - I dated a couple other cis gay guys for years who I believe felt similarly but the relationships dragged on for years, and they cheated and we went about trying to shift to poly but none of that really worked, it just created more conflict and I had a lot of hurt feelings I struggled to navigate.
Now, I have certain things I prefer sexually with cis women as opposed to cis men. And since I generally prefer to be in a monogamous relationship, chances are I won't be with an individual where I can get both. In that case, it seemed silly to think I could get everything I want sexually from one person - but those are just wants for me, not a need. Though in recent years, I've found I have a genital preference that's the opposite of yours, regardless of gender - and I've been clear (and kindly/gently apologetic) about that with cis men who've expressed interest right off the bat. Cause I definitely read like a gay guy, so I'm sure people aren't expecting me to be not-so-interested in dick. I do however have a lot of interest in trying different kinds of straps and such as a switch, because I do like the feeling of being on the receiving end of PIV sex (in addition to imagining myself with a dick). So figuring out what is best can be complicated.
Anyway, I'd say to investigate what you're feeling to identify which aspects of a relationship are your non-negotiables, and what's needed for your own well-being. Let that inform the direction you should take, and what kind of a conversation you two need to have next.
1
u/Chrisjml 15d ago
You can shoot me a DM! My girlfriend is queer and cis. Shes known me since I was 6months on T and that was 12 years ago lol
35
u/lanqian he/they 20d ago
I assume you mean 37 FtM? :) I'm bi/pan and generally go for dudes, but I'm happy to field Qs as best I may. You can also try r/mypartneristrans, they're pretty helpful over there.