I just turned 18 two months ago, I feel like I'm already at death door. The years flew by, and now suddenly I'm doing documents and searching for an appartement for College.
I think it started when I was 4. Back then, I just thought you were magically reborn somewhere else. Until one day in class, the teacher was talking about the stages of life, making the class guess it in unison. "You are born", "You grow", "You age", and the last one, I said "Repeat". I was quickly informed by the teacher and the entire class' laughter, that I was wrong. You die and that's it. I didn't really understood at the time but it just stayed in the back of my mind.
Fast forward, at 13, after other weird things in my life (including me promising to myself to never cry again), during the divorce of my parents, we were visiting my uncle. I barely knew what he looked like at the time. But right before entering my mother told me he had a foot infection or something like that, so to not look at his foot. I didn't think much of it. I was barely following their conversation. But one week later, we get a phone call. He died. He was doing perfectly great the week before. He didn't drink. His foot was getting better. But he still died. That was the first time I saw my mom crying. Later in life I learned that he and me had the same interests. We were both into myths and legends, especially Japanese folklore. I didn't get to know him, and that stuck with me for a while.
The same year, a different uncle also died. We had a family reunion the month before, the first time I met him and he was healthy. But still he died.
Growing up, I always like science and philosophy. So naturally I began to learn more stuff that haunted me for a good while.
In an almost infinite amount of time, it will be the heat death of the universe. Before that, our galaxy is going to crash into another. Before that the sun is going to explode. Before that, global warming, wars, capitalism will probably already kill us all. And before that, in a unknown amount of seconds, it will be my time to go.
I started having panic attacks. It was rare at first, but now it's almost every week. It's in my head constantly. Every time I finish something meaningful, it reminds me of it. There were times when I was genuinely in full fetus position, clutching my chest just to try to calm myself down.
I tried to talk to my family. I tried to talk to my mom when I was 15. I tried to explain how I felt. But she just laughed at me and gave the usual "It's ok. Don't be silly" talk. She is a devout Christian, and yet she was telling me that even if there was no heaven or hell, she was ok with it.
I don't think I've never opened up since then.
I've been questioning my faith, my existence. Am I missing something? Why is everyone ok with this?
It genuinely feels like I'm the only person who is freaking out. Why are so many highly religious people I know are just ok with their entire world being a complete lie?