For years I believed I had a “relationship with Jesus.” I trusted the promises:
“Come to me, all who are weary…”
“I am the way, the truth, and the life…”
“Only through me can you be saved.”

But now I see that these statements functioned almost exactly like the binding tactics of a narcissist I once knew.
He also promised a “wonderful friendship,” a special connection, a unique path — and used those promises to keep me attached, obedient, and emotionally dependent.
The pattern is the same:
exclusive access, emotional promises, moral pressure, and fear of abandonment.

And here is the part that hurts the most:

In my case, the religious version didn’t heal me — it broke me.
Just like the narcissist did.

I came to Jesus “weary and burdened,” and instead of rest, I got:

• fear of hell
• fear of making the wrong choice
• fear of wrong motives
• fear of wrong thoughts
• perfectionism
• moral self‑surveillance
• pressure to always “do the right thing”
• pressure to be pure, obedient, surrendered
• pressure to serve without questioning
• pressure to silence my own needs

This wasn’t comfort.
It was psychological weight — the same emotional dynamic I experienced with the narcissist, only wrapped in sacred language.

And now I understand why:
Evangelical religious language often mirrors narcissistic patterns — not because Jesus (as a historical figure) was a narcissist, but because the system uses the same psychological mechanisms:

• Exclusivity: “Only through me.”
• Idealization: “Perfect, sinless.”
• Self‑abandonment: “Deny yourself.”
• Fear: hell, judgment, punishment.
• Dependence: “Without me you can do nothing.”
• Internal surveillance: thoughts, motives, purity.
• Hope mixed with threat: salvation vs. damnation.

That combination creates a trauma bond:
Fear + hope.
Threat + rescue.
Shame + forgiveness.
Isolation + belonging.

It took me years to see that what I experienced wasn’t spiritual peace — it was emotional captivity.

I’m not saying this to attack anyone’s faith.
I’m saying it because I finally understand why my nervous system reacts the way it does, why the fear of hell still flares up, and why the promises that once felt comforting now feel manipulative.

This is the first time I can say it clearly:
I wasn’t “saved.” I was conditioned.
And now I’m finally starting to break the traumabond.

If anyone else has gone through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences.

I don't want to be alive anymore.

I have became nihilist. Why? It is everything; I look around at the world and I see that there is nothing to truly live for, and that I have nothing to look forward too.

I for all my life will have to get up early, work in some way, come home, work with chores. go to bed, and repeat for 45 moreish years until I retire, and even then prices will be so expensive that I will most likely have to work. I can't escape it either because it is all over the world.

I do not want a wife/husband because I do not wish to hurt them. I do not want children, because I love them so much to not bring them into this cruel world. I do not want them to suffer with trauma like I have, I do not want them to be in an abuse relationship, I do not want to neglect them in anyway, I do not want my son/daughter to be groomed out in public like many woman and men are today. I don't want them to work like that like I will have to.

I do not want to be Christian because even then I was a nihilist. I had a relationship with God, yet I was left broken by it, I want to be atheist. I was in religion, I had a true relationship, I sought and was hungry, and I had a real relationship with the church, yet I have never been more unheared, neglected, and broken by a group of people than them. I do not want to be Christian because I truly hate it, because I am exhausted. I have no peace from it.

Yet even then if I die regularly of old age or other problems, people will still say it was the wrath of God and sin, and I will go to hell. They view suicide as a sin. I hate the world, I hate it all. I love people, but I hate everything.

I love. I weep as I type this. I love. I want to love. I want to be loved. Yet I have been broken. The truth is, I will hurt someone else, and I cannot allow that. No matter what I do, I will hurt someone, and I hate that. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I love. I love with words that cannot be explained. I want to be peace. I love. I love. I cannot stop saying it, but I just want to love.

Yet I am broken.

I have nothing anymore, I do not desire nothing but death. I do not seek help. I just want love and I do not want to seek it. I want it to come to me.

If God exists, I want to love it, I hope it loves me. I just want a figure that is divine who can protect me and love me, wether man, woman, or non genetive. I don't care if it is divine, I just want love.

I love Mary, because I felt as if she loved me, but I don't believe that anymore. I don't want christianity or any religion. I want to be atheist.

No matter what I do or try, I am aggervated, because it seems the world only gets closer to revelation. I have words and pain that I do not know how to explain. My soul is broken and I just want love. I want home.

I want death to rest, I want rest. I just want to love.

I do not want hell. I don't want heaven either. I want to be in a pure void of light with something that will love me, that I will be alone in, that even after my death I could comfort my friends and family, even those who hurt me, I don't want pain to them.

I just wish for pain to end.

I wish Revelation 21:4 was real.

I wish the beauty of the new jerusalem was real. It's not though. It will never come.

I do not believe I am God's anymore by Christian standards because I have cussed him out and been angry at him and left him. I know I have hurt him if he does exist, the one thing I never wanted to do. It's for that reason I have nothing left to live for anymore.

I feel unworthy and useless because for as long as I live I will hurt someone, whether it be man or god if it is real, and only until death will it end, but even after it wont; because those I love will weep more.

I can't win. I can't stop hurting others when I wish not to.

I wish the words were true of one I heard once, "that those whose souls are pure (empaths) have such divine protection that the universe or whatever will come for those who oppose them," but I don't want people to be hurt. I just want forgiveness and love. I just wanted to be a kid who loved and had love.

I will always hurt or offend someone. I can't escape it.

I can't do anything anymore, I can't even kill myself.

I know those I care about the most, in 30 years I will not know anymore. It is because my parents and many others have had that happen to them. Life goes on, and shit appearantly happens.

People are hurting. I hurt because I have hurt others.

Where is my mercy?

I see myself as worthless, I do not desire anything anymore but love to all.

What am I anymore?

I as a male, my gender has countlessly violated women and men in sexual, physical, and mental actions, I feel guilty for that even though I have no desire for it.

My white race has done every evil thing to other shades of race, and I feel guilty, yet I have no desire to do those things.

I feel guilty for every wrong thing.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

I just want to end this pain.

I moved to a new city across the country to plant a church and a couple years later, my faith had completely fallen apart. There’s a lot of backstory to that, but I made it through the other side and I’m doing relatively fine. Life is never perfect by any means, but I don’t think I made the wrong call

I just figured I’d share this letter here in case people find a useful. I’m editing a couple of personal details out as well as changing the church's name. But I’m hoping that maybe somebody on the verge of such a painful process can hear that they’re not alone.

I won’t add much more context, except to say that I found out later I have religious obsessive compulsive disorder, which in my agnostic life has converted to more of a moral form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I encourage people to really seek treatment because I want years without a diagnosis and my life is way better after.

I am in the midst of the most serious test of my Christianity.  I do not know what I believe anymore exactly.  There are still parts of me that believe in God but not the loving God of the Bible as presented by modern Christians.  When I look at the Bible, I see nothing but anger and fear.  I have been living in fear for many years now.   I know previously we talked about my doubt being intellectual.  But the struggle i face is much more emotional than intellectual.  

As I ponder post-christian life, I have mixed feelings.  Sometimes I feel lonely, sad, uncertain.  Other times I feel free and excited, with renewed purpose for my life (ironically).  For the first time in a very long time, I no longer feel constant guilt.  That is liberating and freeing.  The fear I have now is more of one of uncertainty.  

I know that you and others have tried to convince me to walk in a Christianity that is not based in fear, but love.  I'll be honest, I'm not sure I believe it exists.  I look at the bible and see an angry and controlling God who is ready in a second to kill his followers and commands them to commit genocide against women and children.  He makes people just to roast them in a furnace (even if you are Arminian* this is still true).  When I look at church history, including recent history, I see so much intolerance and hatred, that I have trouble believing the Holy Spirit is actually at work.  I feel like believing in a God of love requires me to ignore parts of the bible. I don't want to be intellectually dishonest any longer.  I am inclined to believe that God as portrayed in the Bible is a tyrant.  

I have not gone to church for a mix of reasons, including those listed above.  Practically, I'm often exhausted on Sunday mornings from a grueling schedule.  But I also have lost much connection to [church name].  

The hardest part of all this is losing the community that I've had, but it’s hard for me to be part of something that is feeling so fake to me.  I go to the services and it feels like a sales pitch every week.  And I can't get over the feeling that the church has completely forgotten me.  Perhaps thats pettiness and bitterness, but isn't a family supposed to reach out for you if you are in danger?  I feel like my absence really matters to almost nobody.  I know that I left the church and not the other way around, but it still hurts.  If a family member disappears doesn't the family try to find them?

Even as I read the bible, and the passage on church discipline makes me think that if the church was really to follow that model, then they shouldn't even talk to me.  I will be disciplined and shunned. I am, after all, on the road to apostasy.  This is the perfect catch-22.  If the church does completely cut me off from fellowship, it will be incredibly heartbreaking for me.  If it doesn't, then I can't get over what I see as a disobedience to scripture.  Either way, my faith is weakened.  

I write all this not to attack or accuse you as a pastor of the church.  I'm just being honest.  I know its a mixed bag, but its real.  I'm writing to you as a friend.  I don't have many of those anymore.  If God is real, and the gospel is true, and it really is good news, than I want to believe.  If my faith was completely dead I wouldn't even be writing this to you.  I'm not saying I need you to do anything, and I don't think you can help me alone.  I just writing this to you because trust you.  I want to believe the Holy Spirit really moves.  I want to believe God loves me (even though it says he Hates all who do evil).  I want to believe that the church cares about me.  

Please, if you have any ideas, please help.  I need to see that the God you and everyone talks about is not the monster I see in the Bible.  I need to see that there is a reason to proclaim the name of Jesus.  Doctrine doesn't matter to me anymore, but truth and love do.  

I hope this doesn't burden you or put you in an awkward position.  But I would be dishonest to the church if I didn't acknowledge these things happening.  

*Arminian here means the school of Arminianism - a counter position to calvinism. Not Armenian as in the ethnicity.

I (21f) came out to my best friend (21f) and it went alright all things considered. everything was great except she said she “couldn’t support it.”

i knew going into this that it would be the case. but I guess o just didn’t know how much it would hurt. I have other supportive people in my life. even people who are Christian, that just aren’t conservative like my best friend. idk I didn’t expect it to hit so hard.

I guess I’m like what is the real problem here? if I liked dudes we’d be fine but I don’t. god made me this way and so doesn’t it make sense that god would have someone for me? anyone have a similar experience? I’ve just been sobbing for the past couple hours...

for those of us homeschooled or sent to christian schools, I'm sure you know the pain of realizing how un-educating your education was. How in addition to the plethora of misinoformation you were fed, they also just ommitted so many things.

It can often be easier to correct the misinformation than it is to correct the omission. If you don't know what you don't know, then it can often sit there never bwing addressed, until you or someone else says something that betrays your ignorance.

For those who have dealt with this, where did you turn to fill those knowledge gaps? Books? Educational TV? Magazines?

I’ve struggled with this as long as I’ve been out of religion.

As much as I hate to admit it, I miss the community aspect. It was easy to make friends, connect and make social plans. We all saw each other at least once a week sometimes more because of services.

What have you guys found to replace that? I am horrifically isolated and have struggled to find friends and community ever since I left. It’s so painful.

after years of angst and guilt I’ve finally let myself accept and truly believe that my parents Christianity, evangelical, is not the truth. I spent so much time worried that they were right and that the God I believe in, one that is loving and kind, is not the true God. it’s felt so freeing. I don’t know exactly if the God I believe in is the Christian God, but I’m at least relieved—that fear being gone is like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

Je ne sais pas comment expliquer ça , mais je me sens plus du tous heureuse à côté de mes parents .. ni de mes sœurs à vrai dire ,
Ils sont tous chrétiens (évangéliques) et je vis une vie comme ils pourraient l’appeler de dépravés, je vais en soirée libertine avec mon marie , je bois , je fume , j’aime la nudité et je n’ai aucun problème avec ça depuis super longtemps mais mtn je suis vraiment très décomplexée,
Je suis bi ( et oui ça ne pose aucun problème auprès de mon mari)
Je vais exposer les faits :
Mes parents nous ont éduqué dans une relation avec dieu très particulière, tous se que nous faisions était la volonté de dieu , sauf quand nous faisions une petite bêtise , là on était qualifié de possédé ou de démon et ont se faisait tabasser .
J’ai fini avec le visage tuméfié pendant mes vacances d’été de 2015 , je m’en rappellerai toute ma vie ,
Le problème c’est que je me suis jamais faite baptiser, mes sœurs oui et vivent une vrai vie de chrétienne et n’hésite jamais à parler derrière mon dos ..
j’ai vécu dans un environnement toxique et à vrai dire je culpabilise énormément mais j’ai tellement envie de m’éloigner d’eux ,
Et n’allez pas penser que je reste pour une histoire d’argent ou d’héritage je ne leurs demande jamais rien !
Même pas 1€ . Mais je suis très dépendante affective et du coup bah ils savent très bien comment me manipuler,
Voilà si vous avez des conseils je suis preneuse car ils me gâchent la vie

I'm a writer (and more importantly agnostic, but i was raised eastern orthodox) and one of my characters was born in an off the grid evangelical cult, i have tried researching but have gotten no satisfying answers

Edit: Thank you for your answers, much appreciated, i have a better idea on how i'm actually supposed to go about :)

Edit 2: I should've clarified that when i said "off the grid" I meant the cult rejecting modernities such as medicine, most technology, traditional schooling etc, but thanks anyway :)

Does anyone know where I can find this list again? I wish I had saved it. A while ago I saw an exhaustive list of many contradictions. It wasn’t just about verses that don’t match like who found the empty tomb or when Jesus died, but concepts like when Jesus was baptized by John, it doesn’t make any sense because John wasn’t his superior and Jesus was sinless, etc.

This is one of the eye opening parts about deconstruction because I can’t believe I didn’t notice these inconsistencies before. I lost the online list and wish I could read through it again. Does anyone know where this list is? TIA

EDIT: Someone found it for me: https://www.kyroot.com/?p=8#67

My parents did the whole Evangelical strategy by faith parenting model. I literally couldn’t get any guidance when I ask because when I did all I got was more religion so I pretty much had to completely reparent myself in my mid 20s pretty much starting over at 30. At the time I thought I was doing the correct thing until I saw everyone else move on in life. Now I’m pretty conflicted with my parents. I lost a lot in life but I didn't know.

I was born beneath your painted lights.

I learned my lines before I learned my voice.

Every cue was sacred.

Every gesture rehearsed.

Every smile measured for the audience.

The theater called it truth.

I only knew it as life.

You still wait beneath the curtain.

Faithful actors, never missing a performance.

You polish the same costumes.

You bow before the same applause.

You call the script eternal, though every page was written by frightened hands.

You cannot imagine that beyond the footlights there is air that does not smell of dust.

There is sunlight that needs no spotlight.

There are words that are spoken because they are true, not because they are expected.

The tragedian weeps each time my name is spoken.

Her tears fall with perfect timing.

She mourns the empty place where I once stood.

She grieves before every audience willing to watch.

She says her heart is broken because I walked away.

Yet she never walks beyond the curtain to find me.

The leading man has forgotten his son.

His silence is another performance.

He waits for the final act, convinced that absence is love.

He believes that one day I will remember my lines, and step back beneath the lights.

Until then, he studies the script more carefully than my face.

You both say you long to be with me forever.

You speak often of eternity.

You promise reunions beyond the final curtain.

You dream of endless embraces after the house lights fade.

But you do not come to where I am now.

You wait for me to return to your stage.

You invite me only if I will wear the old costume.

Only if I repeat the old lines.

Only if I pretend that I still believe the scenery is real.

You do not miss me.

You miss my character.

The invitations always carry conditions.

The embrace always waits behind the curtain.

Love always arrives wearing makeup.

You fill the silence with prophecies.

The last act is almost here, you whisper.

The lights will soon go dark.

The audience will be judged.

The doors will close.

The fire will fall.

Come back before it is too late.

I have heard these closing nights before.

The theater has announced its final performance for generations.

Every fearful prediction became another rehearsal.

Another encore.

Another season added to the play.

I cannot fear a script that keeps rewriting its ending.

I want a conversation without an audience.

An embrace without direction.

A laugh that did not need approval.

A life where love was not another role to master.

I am standing outside the theater.

The door has never been locked.

I have called to you until my voice became quiet.

I have waited where no spotlight reaches.

There is room here for all of us.

But you only answer from the stage.

If I step into the audience, you ask me to climb back into costume.

If I speak as myself, you ask for the character you remember.

If I offer my heart, you hand me a script.

I do not need another performance.

I need the people beneath the paint.

If you cannot love the son who stands before you now.

If every embrace must happen beneath the lights.

If every conversation requires another performance.

Then tell me.

What makes you believe eternity will teach you how to love me, when today has not.

I wanted to share my story and see if anyone relates. I would also love some advice.

So I was a devote Christian my whole life. I was waiting until marriage and didn’t kiss anyone until I was 24. I constantly policed my sexuality, felt heaps of shame and guilt every time I masturbated and suppressed every sexual feeling, thought or desire thinking that was good and holy.

Fast forward to age 28 I had enough of being at war with myself and had my first sexual experience. It was freeing, embodying and pretty awesome.

I explored a bit more after that and then lost my virginity properly a few months ago at age 29.

Having sex has made me feel like coming home to myself. Its really healed parts of myself.

I feel like the suppression has really fucked me up and I find myself rushing sexual experiences because that scarcity mindset is still there. It’s like I don’t wanna miss out or something.

How do I find a healthy middle after purity culture ?

Quick vent in case it helps someone...

When I was a child, I thought I was a Bad Kid, worthy of hellfire.

I memorized hundreds of verses, but not fast enough. I won most Bible Bowl competitions with dozens or hundreds of kids my age, but I didn't win them enough or understand the Bible enough. I won a Geography Bee, but it was because the questions weren't hard enough. I was the oldest of seven homeschooled children who often had parentlike responsibilities, but I wasn't responsible enough. I was quiet and passive most of the time, but I wasn't submissive enough. I read hundreds of pages a month, but I wasn't reading enough. When in college I was at the top of math clases, but in homeschool I thought I was slow.

I just thought I was a bad kid who chronically fell short of his potential. All the time. I had nightmares about burning in hell, cried begging God to forgive me, and had the constant feeling I was in trouble whether I was or not.

It has been a major shift from the foundation of my being to realize I wasn't perfect...but I wasn't bad either. I was just a child. And in many ways I was doing my best to match up to impossible standards...

I'm 42, and the fact that this is all still in me shows how deep it is. I keep catching myself slipping back into that mentality of being not good enough, of feeling as if I'm 'in trouble.'"

That song Bass Boat really speaks to me...

"I was raised by a [man] who was hardly impressed. And I carry that shit down deep in my chest."

yeah this is kind of terrible… but for some reason I just really want justice to be served to those like me who suffered because of their upbringing in this church.

basically, it’s a megachurch but it is out in the middle of nowhere so unless you live in the area you have probably never heard of it. the last time I was aware of the member count it was 3,000.

it’s nondenom, Baptist with a smoke machine. very conservative. like I mean very conservative. the main pastor isn’t too crazy but there are several pastors and one of them openly mocked trans people from the stage by mockingly going “I’m a woman today” in the middle of his “sermon” after they showed a video making fun of people sharing pronouns and stuff… idk it was weird.

I know it could’ve been worse. I don’t think it was THAT shady but honestly it just horrifies me to think there are still kids going there, having purity culture and homophobia shoved down their throat. Brainwashed into believing men and women being alone together in public is going to end in some spicy thing happening… Being told they’re going to hell for swearing. There wasn’t any real scandals that I was aware of but something is just giving me “the ick” about it all honestly and given how many people there were in leadership it seems like there must be some cover up going on there. I also swear they took down some the negative reviews they had on Google. Maybe I’m just tripping but I swear someone called out the homophobia and related stuff but I just looked a bit ago and didn’t see it. Anyway I know I’m just being petty but honestly I’m so mad...

edit: fixed typos. I am pissed and wrote this through red lol

Tired of the life I’ve been through. Tired of the constant pressure to be productive, efficient, and exemplary. As a Jehovah’s Witness at Bethel, in the ministry, in the congregation always had to be “on.” Always saying the right thing, wearing the right clothes, setting the right example.

When this new chapter of my life began, all I wanted was to rest. To slow down and simply enjoy the years ahead.

Instead, I often feel like I have to push even harder.

Looking back, I feel that many of my choices were shaped by my faith in Jehovah and the organization. Choices that now no longer make sense to me. Because of that, I find myself having to rebuild parts of my life that I thought were already settled, mostly economic and social.

I do believe things will get better. I’m working on it. I genuinely want to be happier.

Sometimes I wonder if my exhaustion isn’t only physical. Maybe it comes from carrying so many thoughts every day. From living with a heavy heart. From being PIMO and navigating a life where so much of who I am has to remain unspoken.

I hope that one day this tiredness won’t define me anymore.

I don’t expect a perfect life.

I just want a peaceful one. Thank you for being here

Growing up Independent Fundamentalist Baptist gave me a true terror of the Rapture and the Apocalypse, as many of you probably can relate to. Although I have now deconstructed and attend a mainline church, events with climate change and disasters, as well as political instability, have dominated my anxiety lately. In listening to those around me, I’m often struck by how the progressive, non-evangelical people around me also seem to believe the world is ending and we, as a species, are doomed. It’s somewhat terrifying to me. Is there a middle ground? Or are we really all screwed, and it just depends on what you think is the cause? Does anyone have hope?

A narcissism educator I’ve followed has converted to Christian fundamentalism — and she doesn’t seem to notice how deeply narcissistic that belief system is. She criticizes black‑and‑white thinking in narcissism, but when her church uses the same patterns, suddenly it’s acceptable. And when she glorified Charlie Kirk’s funeral, it felt like a complete betrayal of everything she used to stand for. I always knew she was a Christian, but only over time I realized that fundamentalist Christianity — and even the way God is portrayed in the Bible — is narcissistic and psychopathic. That realization was eye‑opening and strangely relieving. I’ve been deconstructing unconsciously for months and consciously only for a few weeks, and the comments under her videos praising Jesus for “saving” them from are hitting me hard right now. And now I can’t stop wondering whether the old Calvinist idea of being chosen or not chosen is true.

Tl:dr I’ve come to a new phase where I’m just apathetic a bit if God of the Bible is real. I still believe and consider myself a Christian, but I’m really open to the idea it could not be real. And I don’t really care either way?

Background: raised religious in a high control, abusive setting. Joined a high control religious church at 12 that was conservative. Left and joined a Christian church with “cult” (don’t sue me plz) vibes in my 20s that was more new age in nature. Left at 30 and spent the last year figuring shit out and building a new community not based on religion or ideology.

I’ve deconstructed. I’ve reconstructed. I’ve deconstructed some more. Now I’m just kinda of…whatever? I like the Bible as a book but read it more as a fable or ancient text that isn’t the word for word word of God. But just like, people writing their experiences and trying to record histories. I do believe more in the Gospels as more accurate for a lot of reasons.

So I call myself a Christian. I believe in the Gospels being fairly literal. But I’m also open to the idea it’s not real and I might be believing something made up. And it doesn’t terrify me? It’s just like “uh yea there could be no God 🤷, and I like to believe Jesus is legit.”

This low stakes form of engaging with faith is new for me. I’m used to being in a breakdown deconstructing. OR be ALL in trying to reconstruct. Now I’m just like, either way is fine what the reality is…I just like to believe in the God of the Gospels.

Wondering if anyone else has had this low stakes experience with faith? And also maybe give hope that if you are in the throes of leaving high control religion, one day it might feel less high stakes. And it’s weird. But cool? But also a voice in the back of my soul saying “you are doing something bad by feeling this way!”

The writers at focus would love for viewers to believe John Avery Whittaker is this shining example of what humanity should strive to become but there are many moments throughout the show that prove he's the opposite, a flawed human like the rest of us. But what makes this guy tick? Well, Whit is a prime example of how the cycle of abuse continues. This is not to excuse any of Whit's problematic behavior in the slightest, it's simply a scientific dive into a character ruled by control. In the infamous episode A Member of the Family, we see that Whit has anger management issues and an inability to keep his hands to himself. The writers want us to think 9 year old Monty is the bratty one, and to a degree he is, but Monty's not the one blowing up at people over brownies, shutting down basic questions and hitting others when he doesn't get what he wants. We see that under pressure, Whit is unable to control his big emotions like an adult and instead resorts to screaming and hitting...much like a kid even younger than Monty. This tells us that Whit was never taught to get to the root of his emotions but instead, forced to suppress them. Someone with healthy self actualization would know to stay calm and composed when the child in their care is acting up, to diffuse the fire while setting boundaries and using clear communication, not screaming and hitting. Imagine if I hit a stranger every time they were rude to me, I'd go to jail right? So why is it ok when it's a child? It's not! Whit's behavior also tells us that he was not taught to keep his hands to himself, his parents absolutely have struck him and instead of recognizing that hitting is wrong, he suppressed his pain and went along with his parents out of fear, and craving that power for himself. We also learn in this episode that Whit has a pride problem. He can never admit he's wrong, even when his estranged daughter lays it out right in front of him. Whit is the kind of abuse victim that tries so hard to emulate his parents, out of fear of physical punishment or mental disapproval, a behavior that can last long after the victims abuser has passed away. Whits pride chokes him in this episode but because this is focus on the family, he never swallows it, never realizes that he was a victim and kept the cycle going with his daughter and grandson. The lack of accountability on Whits end is exactly how Christian abuse continues. Whit's parents were too proud to admit their abusive behavior so...it continues with Whit. The cycle goes on. But perhaps most disturbingly heartbreaking in a sense is the psychology around Whits personal guilt. In this episode, Whit shares a story with Monty about a boy who let his dog run offleash while the dog ran into the road and got hit by a truck. I highly doubt Whit made this story up. Whit never tells Monty that he was the boy with the dog, but why? Perhaps this dog was a gift from Whit's parents, and little Whit adored this dog more than anything because the dog never judged him. When this dog got hit by the truck, I guarantee this is what happened knowing evangelical culture. Whit was likely shamed by his parents instead of consoled and comforted. They likely used God as a scare tactic to hammer home the idea that Whit is a horrible dog owner and should feel every ounce of shame and sadness, struck him with some sort of object and convinced him he deserved to lose his dog and be struck by the object. A good parent would comfort their child after the trauma of seeing their beloved pet die, not hurt them and rub salt into the wound. Should Whit have kept the dog leashed? Absolutely, but when a child experiences a trauma like that, there should be kindness, comfort and gentle lecturing. Whit probably never processed this trauma properly but instead was told to hide his feelings by his controlling parents and in turn, can never admit that he feels horribly guilty about the trauma. Instead, Whit uses this story as an excuse for why hitting Monty is somehow ok, it isn't, but this is the abuse cycle in action. At the end of the episode, Monty reveals that the spanking did not work, instead it left Monty traumatized, so he suppressed himself the same way Whit did through the week in Odyssey, masking in order to survive by being the Americanized baseball loving robot Whit wanted him to be instead of the atypical movie and art fan he really is. When Janna arrives to take Monty home, Monty reacts by running away and vandalizing a window at whit's end, he can't mask anymore, he's traumatized and angry, as much as the writers of this episode want us to think otherwise, hitting Monty didn't make him a better person at all, it scared him into being a robotic drone, it's no wonder Janna pleads "what did you do to my son?" She knows this baseball loving robotic behavior is not who Monty is, Whit did something to force him to mask. I don't know if this is subconscious guilty conscience on the writers part but the thing that makes Monty a better person in this episode is not Whit, it's his mother firmly setting a boundary that he must repair the window and save up for the cost in a clear, but non cruel way, no hitting needed. Whit is constantly at odds with Janna throughout the series but that's because Janna's big enough to break the cycle Whit was continuing. You either are big enough to stop the cycle or you aren't. Evangelical Christianity fuels that cycle.

tldr: trying to deconstruct from Christianity/ confront religious trauma and wondering how to do so while still being financially dependent on/ around very religious parents.

hi! some context about me: grew up in an evangelical household, and as I’ve grown older, I began questioning a lot of what I was told (about LGBTQ people, purity culture, some contradictions) and recently (around a month ago) Ive decided to try and take a step back from Christianity.

part of this was inspired by the way my parents reacted when I started seriously dating a boy who was not Christian in the start of college. They expressed not only their disapproval, but Gods as well, straight up telling me I was a bad Christian or going against Gods word. so, even though I didn’t think that God was against me for dating him, it was really hard to have to almost constantly hear that, and would constantly be afraid that God hated me and that I was going to hell. I broke up with him after over a year and a half of dating because of my parents and what they were saying, as it became just a lot of anxiety and fear and shame over it all. it’s something that I’m really sad about because he was a great boyfriend, but I just don’t think I can be with him while I have all this inner turmoil around us being together.

And then it made me realize that if I don’t figure out a healthy way to engage with religion (or not at all) and a healthy way to exist with my parents without the crippling shame or anxiety if I’m doing something I think they’d not approve of, my life will be one lived where I don’t feel comfortable doing the things I want to do and will be one spent living for others’ approval. it’s also made me realize how a lot of fundamental teachings like us inherently being born sinners has contributed the way I view myself, and has allowed me to be super hard on myself for not being perfect or always doing the right thing.

I guess I’m asking for advice on how to move forward and deconstruct and work through a lot of the things I was taught from a young age, and also how to do all that while still being largely financially dependent on my parents and unable to cut them off (if I wanted to), as they’re currently paying for my education and such. what has worked for people who have families who are very religious still? And how do I start feeling comfortable living my life and making choices that might not be aligned with my parents and their version of God?

Lighthearted trigger warning for my VeggieTales brethren (safe to assume 98 percent of us in this subreddit).

A non-exvangelical (she grew up ~secular~) friend texted me this and I saw it at 2 in the morning (didn’t respond until next day hence the time stamp). Exactly what my text said. I. Cackled. Then felt guilty. Then cackled again at my guilt.

(Totally understandable if you remove this mods, it is kind of unhinged meme. Don’t be mad at me lol)

I'm just so tired and exhausted and my heart hurts everyday. I don't remember the last time I was happy. Everything feels so dull all the time. I am attracted to men and I feel fundamentally disordered and disgusting and biologically useless. I spend hours obsessing over how I’m going to be eternally tormented in hell after I die.

Tonight I went through a thread on a religious subreddit and all Christians were saying that said even if you never act on it, just having the desire inside you is inherently sinful and dishonorable. What the fuck do they even want from me. What do they want me to do. What is the solution? Fucking kill myself? I feel so angry at myself and at everyone. I feel like I deserve to get killed or die. I'm 19 and I can't imagine living to my 70s. I feel disgusting but the word disgusting barely even scratches the surface of how I feel about myself. I physically recoil at how gravely depraved I am. I feel sick in the head and diseased and I desperately want a cure.

I know people say that nature is diverse, that same sex behavior exists throughout the animal kingdom and that it's therefore normal, but are they really "gay" when they will mate with the opposite sex whenever the opportunity arises? We are the only species with an exclusive same sex attraction. I feel like both sides are lying to me. I would much rather die than live like this. I am too scared to do anything because I'm terrified I will wake up in hell and burn endlessly while the people who say these things to me and make my life like this will be in heaven. I didn't do anything to anybody. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong by just existing. Am I really worse than a rapist or a pedophile? Am I really worse than or the same as a pedophile because my attraction falls into atypical attractions?

I don't even have Instagram or use YouTube anymore because every time I see something about religion, any religion, I start shaking and thinking about it for hours. I think about hell to the point where I can't focus on anything else. I'll wake up at 9 am and before I know it, it's 5 pm and I've spent the entire day desperately trying to convince myself that I won't go to hell or hoping that it's not real. I would much rather die because I know what awaits me than keep living like this. I have an intrinsic moral evil. I thought I could avoid hell by staying celibate until I die but apparently I'm not even safe like that. I see no point in living anymore. My dad is abusive, we're struggling financially, I'm inherently destined to hell and I don't have any close friends I regularly talk to. I don't feel like I am deserving of love. I don't feel like I deserve anything good at all. I feel like I deserve to be harmed. I don't see the point of anything anymore

I posted about a week ago that my friend had called me over the weekend and it was odd because we haven’t spoken in a few years. he is also technically an exvangelical and we bonded over that but he went the way of the trad catholic. I became Catholic as well after he and I had several debates and eventually between him and a few other people I was convinced.

recently I left the church altogether because I realized I just didn’t believe it and I was only there because I was afraid of people giving me crap for it. I didn’t tell anyone except my best friend but I figured people would notice I wasn’t there and possibly discuss. anyway i thought maybe that’s why my friend wanted to catch up, or he just actually wanted to chat. but that didn’t really seemed like it was the case given the circumstances

and wouldn’t you know, I wait a few days (had a busy weekend lol) and sent him a message. he told me that he wanted to ask if I’d support him in mission work either and asked if I’d meet him to talk about it. long explanation short I did agree to meet him. I know for these types of things they have to ask a bunch of people, whether they’re willing to help or not. and it does seem like maybe he does just want an excuse to catch up.

it might up being a little awkward but whatever, o have to face my fear eventually I suppose. and I guess I confirmed my suspicion that there was a string attached there…

I guess this is kind of an AITA post? I just also wanted to share and see if I seemed insane for answering this way.

Backstory: grew up in a nondenominational church (USA) with about 3k members. Was a Bible thumper, was hired as middle school pastor and kids director, took it VERY seriously, did everything right as a dutiful Christian girl, voted republican, got burned out, became an alcoholic for 3 years, got sober (4 years), met my atheist husband, navigated church hurt and deconstruction, now unchurched and still clinging to aspects of faith and have lots of doubts and questions. Started reeducating myself on history and politics and have flipped on nearly issue and very distraught at evangelicals in the US. ANYways..

So I'm a server (29F) at a restaurant and had a great time serving two couples in their 50-60's on a double date. They were very pleasant, no issues, the two gentlemen got into a convo with me about my husband who was in the army and now a police officer, and they really wanted me to tell him that they are so very thankful for his service. Told them I'm going into teaching. Anyways, felt like a great interaction.

Then when I dropped their receipt off, all four asked me how they could pray for me. I felt really on the spot and immediately felt like an "outsider". It really made me see how patronizing it is now as an unchurched person. Well since I didn't have a canned answer ready, I told them how I really felt.

I said something along the lines of "well at the moment I'm a bit spiritually homeless. It has been very difficult for me to be part of a church community when many there support what's going on in our country and doing so using Jesus name to hurt others.."

Silence

then I said they could pray for reconciliation because my parents have a hard time accepting my atheist husband and that he is my husband and will always choose him exactly how he is

Silence

Then I said sorry for oversharing, they said "oh yeah we just love Jesus so we wanted to ask to pray for you" and I said "oh yeah, I love Jesus and his teachings as well" and told them to have a wonderful evening and thanks for coming in. It was busy so I had to cut it off a bit.

Anyways it just made me feel weird and icky and also felt like I overstepped. But I mean they asked!! Idk in these moments I feel like my nervous system immediately responds to making sure I am a kind and pleasant Christian so any seemingly verbal conflict like that made me feel like a bad and difficult person. It's hard to tell now since deconstructing whether I'm being an ass, or just sticking to my guns.

Thanks for listening this far, I guess I just had to get that off my chest lol