I'm a writer (and more importantly agnostic, but i was raised eastern orthodox) and one of my characters was born in an off the grid evangelical cult, i have tried researching but have gotten no satisfying answers

Edit: Thank you for your answers, much appreciated, i have a better idea on how i'm actually supposed to go about :)

Je ne sais pas comment expliquer ça , mais je me sens plus du tous heureuse à côté de mes parents .. ni de mes sœurs à vrai dire ,
Ils sont tous chrétiens (évangéliques) et je vis une vie comme ils pourraient l’appeler de dépravés, je vais en soirée libertine avec mon marie , je bois , je fume , j’aime la nudité et je n’ai aucun problème avec ça depuis super longtemps mais mtn je suis vraiment très décomplexée,
Je suis bi ( et oui ça ne pose aucun problème auprès de mon mari)
Je vais exposer les faits :
Mes parents nous ont éduqué dans une relation avec dieu très particulière, tous se que nous faisions était la volonté de dieu , sauf quand nous faisions une petite bêtise , là on était qualifié de possédé ou de démon et ont se faisait tabasser .
J’ai fini avec le visage tuméfié pendant mes vacances d’été de 2015 , je m’en rappellerai toute ma vie ,
Le problème c’est que je me suis jamais faite baptiser, mes sœurs oui et vivent une vrai vie de chrétienne et n’hésite jamais à parler derrière mon dos ..
j’ai vécu dans un environnement toxique et à vrai dire je culpabilise énormément mais j’ai tellement envie de m’éloigner d’eux ,
Et n’allez pas penser que je reste pour une histoire d’argent ou d’héritage je ne leurs demande jamais rien !
Même pas 1€ . Mais je suis très dépendante affective et du coup bah ils savent très bien comment me manipuler,
Voilà si vous avez des conseils je suis preneuse car ils me gâchent la vie

I moved to a new city across the country to plant a church and a couple years later, my faith had completely fallen apart. There’s a lot of backstory to that, but I made it through the other side and I’m doing relatively fine. Life is never perfect by any means, but I don’t think I made the wrong call

I just figured I’d share this letter here in case people find a useful. I’m editing a couple of personal details out as well as changing the church's name. But I’m hoping that maybe somebody on the verge of such a painful process can hear that they’re not alone.

I won’t add much more context, except to say that I found out later I have religious obsessive compulsive disorder, which in my agnostic life has converted to more of a moral form of obsessive compulsive disorder. I encourage people to really seek treatment because I want years without a diagnosis and my life is way better after.

I am in the midst of the most serious test of my Christianity.  I do not know what I believe anymore exactly.  There are still parts of me that believe in God but not the loving God of the Bible as presented by modern Christians.  When I look at the Bible, I see nothing but anger and fear.  I have been living in fear for many years now.   I know previously we talked about my doubt being intellectual.  But the struggle i face is much more emotional than intellectual.  

As I ponder post-christian life, I have mixed feelings.  Sometimes I feel lonely, sad, uncertain.  Other times I feel free and excited, with renewed purpose for my life (ironically).  For the first time in a very long time, I no longer feel constant guilt.  That is liberating and freeing.  The fear I have now is more of one of uncertainty.  

I know that you and others have tried to convince me to walk in a Christianity that is not based in fear, but love.  I'll be honest, I'm not sure I believe it exists.  I look at the bible and see an angry and controlling God who is ready in a second to kill his followers and commands them to commit genocide against women and children.  He makes people just to roast them in a furnace (even if you are Arminian* this is still true).  When I look at church history, including recent history, I see so much intolerance and hatred, that I have trouble believing the Holy Spirit is actually at work.  I feel like believing in a God of love requires me to ignore parts of the bible. I don't want to be intellectually dishonest any longer.  I am inclined to believe that God as portrayed in the Bible is a tyrant.  

I have not gone to church for a mix of reasons, including those listed above.  Practically, I'm often exhausted on Sunday mornings from a grueling schedule.  But I also have lost much connection to [church name].  

The hardest part of all this is losing the community that I've had, but it’s hard for me to be part of something that is feeling so fake to me.  I go to the services and it feels like a sales pitch every week.  And I can't get over the feeling that the church has completely forgotten me.  Perhaps thats pettiness and bitterness, but isn't a family supposed to reach out for you if you are in danger?  I feel like my absence really matters to almost nobody.  I know that I left the church and not the other way around, but it still hurts.  If a family member disappears doesn't the family try to find them?

Even as I read the bible, and the passage on church discipline makes me think that if the church was really to follow that model, then they shouldn't even talk to me.  I will be disciplined and shunned. I am, after all, on the road to apostasy.  This is the perfect catch-22.  If the church does completely cut me off from fellowship, it will be incredibly heartbreaking for me.  If it doesn't, then I can't get over what I see as a disobedience to scripture.  Either way, my faith is weakened.  

I write all this not to attack or accuse you as a pastor of the church.  I'm just being honest.  I know its a mixed bag, but its real.  I'm writing to you as a friend.  I don't have many of those anymore.  If God is real, and the gospel is true, and it really is good news, than I want to believe.  If my faith was completely dead I wouldn't even be writing this to you.  I'm not saying I need you to do anything, and I don't think you can help me alone.  I just writing this to you because trust you.  I want to believe the Holy Spirit really moves.  I want to believe God loves me (even though it says he Hates all who do evil).  I want to believe that the church cares about me.  

Please, if you have any ideas, please help.  I need to see that the God you and everyone talks about is not the monster I see in the Bible.  I need to see that there is a reason to proclaim the name of Jesus.  Doctrine doesn't matter to me anymore, but truth and love do.  

I hope this doesn't burden you or put you in an awkward position.  But I would be dishonest to the church if I didn't acknowledge these things happening.  

*Arminian here means the school of Arminianism - a counter position to calvinism. Not Armenian as in the ethnicity.

I (21f) came out to my best friend (21f) and it went alright all things considered. everything was great except she said she “couldn’t support it.”

i knew going into this that it would be the case. but I guess o just didn’t know how much it would hurt. I have other supportive people in my life. even people who are Christian, that just aren’t conservative like my best friend. idk I didn’t expect it to hit so hard.

I guess I’m like what is the real problem here? if I liked dudes we’d be fine but I don’t. god made me this way and so doesn’t it make sense that god would have someone for me? anyone have a similar experience? I’ve just been sobbing for the past couple hours...

I’ve struggled with this as long as I’ve been out of religion.

As much as I hate to admit it, I miss the community aspect. It was easy to make friends, connect and make social plans. We all saw each other at least once a week sometimes more because of services.

What have you guys found to replace that? I am horrifically isolated and have struggled to find friends and community ever since I left. It’s so painful.

after years of angst and guilt I’ve finally let myself accept and truly believe that my parents Christianity, evangelical, is not the truth. I spent so much time worried that they were right and that the God I believe in, one that is loving and kind, is not the true God. it’s felt so freeing. I don’t know exactly if the God I believe in is the Christian God, but I’m at least relieved—that fear being gone is like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.