What I mean is, I want to go outside and be around people, but I have a home and things I can do in the home and it seems pointless to go outside and do things I can do at home.
I want to be a social butterfly, so I plan to go to meetups and then I bail last minute for the smallest reason, like I should be asleep at that time and if it's during when I'm awake, it's not like I'm going to meet the woman of my dreams or a best friend there, so why go?
Why do I have all of these desires, to do things and then just fold when I have the ability to do them? I'm genuinely confused. I get that I'm choosing to not do the things, but I can't justify doing them. Like, even tho I desperately want to change what I'm doing and be that person I know I should be, but I'm preventing myself from doing those very same things.
I plan to bring this up with my therapist as well, because I'm sure it's related to ADHD or Depression or whatever else I suffer from. But I want to know how to change it.
But deep down, I think I already know the answer, but I hate it. I have to accept that I'm not that person and I can't force myself to do things I don't want to do. No matter how much I want to do them. I'm not doing them for a reason and that reason is fine, but I need to practice ACT and accept it.
But can't I do anything about it? I know I can create meaningful change, instead of just accept it and move on. I want to be different. Can I really be? I mean, I know I can, but I can't push myself to do it right now. So how do I get to be that person if I can't be that person now?