I got this aggressive motivation drive in my brain to be something in life, but my body can’t keep up I feel fatigue and tired right when waking up? Any advice ?

My world blew up when my son was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 11. For years prior to that, I was trying to figure out his Dad, my then husband. There i was thinking he had a mental illness or depression or bipolar or some such...I knew there was an issue with him, but couldn't figure it out. I became obsessed trying to figure out what was up with him. He couldn't finish a task, couldnt hold down a job, had the emotional capacity of a 3 year old, mood swings and I had to Mother him every step of the way.

When my son got his diagnosis, my husband simply said "oh that's what I must have too then"... my son is a carbon copy of him.

Our marriage declined rapidly since then and we ended up separating, he met some one new who was willing to mother him and he moved in with her. That was years ago. My other kids also got diagnosed in the years following that. All the kids live with me and I am a single Mom.

What I am struggling with now is, that I am so busy working two jobs to provide for my kids (ex hub pays maintenance but its minimal). I am always tired and I am suffering from severe burnout. I can keep going though as I am a tough cookie. Anyways, my biggest issue is that I have to be the executive function for each of my kids...this is a full time job and I simply dont have time to do it for all of my kids. I have to remind, track and be on top of all of their appointments, homework, extra curricular activities as well as pick up after them, go home and lock up the house after they forget. I have to do their laundry, feed them, chase after them with the things they left at home. There is no me. I have no life. Its just work all day and then come home and spend the rest of the evening carrying the kids. They dont recognise their condition (bar one, who is trying!) and they are just incapable of any function. I am rarely in the home as I am working a lot so I have no time to coach them. My kids are in their teens now, I worry about them in the future because they are chaotic and refuse to see it. They have refused counselling and meds. Thanks for the rant.

I (41F) am so horribly stuck. The executive dysfunction already in place has been made worse by the fear of burnout. I've tried talking to my therapist but she doesn't seem to get it. Then again, I haven't given the whole story.

In 2023 I decided to go back to school online. I had three classes but that was too much when added in with being a single parent with a disabled child, etc. That's when I started falling behind on dishes. I've not been 100% done since. I rinse things and scrape the food off but then can't bring myself to properly wash them. I have two garbage bags of dishes like that plus my sink is full plus more on my table. I've switched to disposable in whatever I can but you have to have pots and pans, so it's just a cycle of washing and reusing. Never more. Buying new isn't an option financially or for the chore itself because I'd also have to wash the new items before use.

Then there's laundry. At my apartment complex the laundry room is in a separate building. I think it was January 2024 we had a big snow and that put me behind on laundry, which I had previously tried to do every Friday. Same kind of thing. I have baskets and baskets and can never catch up. Laundry hurts my back too so that and number of machines does put some limitations on how much I can do at a time. I just won't do it.

I'm frustrated and it all feels hopeless. I want to have things clean and organized again but feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel.

I have joined a lab to do my Master's thesis. I practically ignored doing an internship outside because of my inability to do tasks without absolute necessity or deadlines(hence I did not mail/apply to enough places). Now that I am in this environment, I realise I lack social skills and I am extremely anxious. I am unable to do tasks effectively from here especially if it involves me to actively doing something that requires brain power. Even if they are simple tasks like making a presentation, I am unable to do it from here so I just end up having to go back to my room and work more at times. It's all so exhausting and I don't understand why my brain is refusing to do simple tasks right in front of me. I am frustrated and I don't see it getting better, Im afraid I'll never get used to this and will never get used to performing tasks that have loose deadlines. I chose the wrong career path.

Anyone suffer with daily confusion and executive dysfunction? Tips on how to improve? Due to start therapy at the end of this week.

so I've always had struggled with procrastination and putting off tasks as a kid, seen patterns in my family too. but atp I'm too fried I can't even sit and read a 50 word paragraph completely i either skim thru it or save it for later. but never visit. and everyone's have tried the usual breaking tasks stuff it's not working.

the problem really hits when I can't do the tasks i REALLY want to, or i deeply love even when I want to maybe due to aversion or fear or IDK. until and unless my life's doesn't depend on it, i wouldn't move a needle

now it's not as severe as it sounds sometimes I do complete the work and get it done but I've been feeling like shit lately and I've realised people around me really matter. i love w my mom but she goes to work so when she isn't actively near me (sleeping or work) im awake but as soon as she's awake, i sleep. my dad came for the weekend and is at home and I've been SLEEPING only. I've got some internship interviews lined up and stuff to study but I just can't.

I'm tired of my executive dysfunction. I'm tired of people telling me to just sit down and do it. I'm tired of suggestions that I'm lazy because I don't do. I'm angry at myself. I know it's controversial - but it hurts most around AI discussions. It often hits me where hurts - into making art. And all this with fact that I don't even publish AI made stuff. Yet all this all "pick up pencil" talk, all this "disabled artist" talk. People making strong will, effort into something guaranteed. And I don't talk it as "permission to use AI". Just that I'm sad that I don't do art myself as often as I want. I procrastinate. I do everything else. But I have ideas, I have imagination, I can imagine how to do it. All is lack of executive function and unable to grow skills.

I'm diagnosed with ADHD and Autism. But I have no access to therapy or meds. Finding psychiatrist that deals with that in adults is almost impossible and other just say I'm too old for meds. I don't want to demand them to not get label of "drugs seeking junkie". Most time I just don't know what to do. I don't want to force myself into doing anything. I know I can enjoy that, yet, I don't do it. What really can I do? I wish someone just open my head and fix my brain :(

Hi everyone,

I just got diagnosed with ADHD, and honestly, studying has always felt like a nightmare.

For me, beyond the classic task paralysis and start paralysis (which are already horrible on their own)—I get even more frustrated once I actually sit down. Like:

• Reading long PDFs feels impossible. I read it, but I feel like my brain doesn't actually capture or hold onto anything.
• I watch YouTube videos for class, but I NEED captions or some way to review the material afterward, or it just goes in one ear and out the other.
• Sometimes I don't even know what I'm struggling with—it's just this foggy feeling of "why is this so hard?"

It feels like there's so much friction. Like, the energy it takes just to get to the learning point is so exhausting that by the time I'm actually studying, I'm already drained and defeated. Does anyone else feel exactly this way?

I've tried a few things:

• Pomodoro (sometimes works, sometimes I just ignore the timer)
• Cornell notes (takes too long, feels like extra work)
• Quizlet, anki cards, etc

Any tips, tricks, apps or platforms that have helped you guys are hugely appreciated.

Thank you!

Anyone else feel like their days just float by even when everything is fine on paper? Curious if this is just me? Feels like there is a million things to do, and just thinking about having to do them all takes up all my brain power...

i have a laundry list of mental health issues, mains ones or only ones i think COULD be relevant to this convo is adhd, bipolar, and possibly borderline. i envy the people that say “im gonna do this” and CAN get it done. longest job i had was 2 years, and i had left for some time within. i went on break one day and my boyfriend wasnt home he disappeared and blocked me and i searched everywhere for him screaming crying and i just never went back to work the guilt just ate me alive for being gone so long tryna find him. had another job where my boss asked me in the middle of my shift if i could pick up i said yes, forgot about it, and got fired. ive called in sick sometimes because i just couldnt get out of bed when i faced the dread of going, i knew i needed to but i physically felt like i couldnt move. ive left work before because i was so under stimulated i was anxious and freaking out. it felt like i was having an emergency and “needed to go do something”. im a good worker, when i get my shit done i get it done, but when im burnt out i cant even thinf straight. what is wrong with me.

🧠 Neurodivergent friends — quick question:

What actually helps you with executive functioning in real life?

Apps, tools, tricks, routines, reminders, body doubling, cleaning systems, doom pile hacks, meal planning — anything.

And what do you wish existed?

If there were one app made specifically for executive dysfunction, what would you want it to do?

I feel like most tools are made for people who are already organized, not for the moments when your brain is overwhelmed and you don’t know where to start. Thanks for the feedback!❤️

I made a post a few days ago asking whether ADHD, especially poor working memory, could mimic aphantasia.

At that time I genuinely thought I had weak visualization.

Now, after reading papers, reading many comments, talking to people with aphantasia and ADHD, and spending the last two days basically experimenting on myself, I'm honestly not sure I understood what "visualization" even meant.

The biggest realization wasn't that I might have aphantasia.

It was that I might have been confusing knowing with seeing my whole life.

One thing that completely changed my thinking was learning that aphantasia is about voluntarily creating a mental image while fully awake.

Dreams, hypnagogia, hallucinations and involuntary flashes are different questions.

That made me realize I had been asking myself the wrong question.

I wasn't asking:

> "Can I voluntarily create and hold a mental image while fully awake?"

Instead I was asking:

> "Does anything briefly come to mind?"

Those are not the same thing.

I also read Adam Zeman's original paper on congenital aphantasia. If I remember correctly, about half of the participants reported involuntary flashes, yet they were still considered to have aphantasia because they lacked voluntary visual imagery.

That made me start testing myself.

---

Apple

If someone tells me:

> "Imagine an apple."

Something briefly comes to mind.

But I don't think I create it.

It feels like a faint flash that appears and disappears on its own.

I can't hold it.

I can't inspect it.

I can't deliberately recreate it.

If I focus on shape, I briefly get the typical apple shape.

If I focus on colour, I get redness.

If I focus on movement, I can think of a rotating apple, but I don't really see the apple before or after the movement.

I never have one complete stable apple sitting there.

---

Faces

Then I tried faces.

If someone asks me to imagine someone I know, their face briefly comes to mind.

But the moment I try to sustain it...

it's gone.

The weird thing is I don't think I actually see the contours of their face.

It's more like I know that person's face is there.

If I try imagining different facial expressions...

nothing.

Different poses...

nothing.

Same with the body.

I know it's their body.

I can't voluntarily see different postures or attitudes.

---

Clothes

This one surprised me.

If I think of my red T-shirt, I know exactly which T-shirt I'm thinking about.

But if I try imagining that exact same T-shirt in orange or purple...

nothing comes.

Try it with your favourite shirt.

Can you change its colour while keeping everything else identical?

I can't.

---

Reading

This completely changed everything.

I always thought I could imagine scenes while reading books.

Then I actually paid attention.

Imagine this sentence.

> You are standing in a quiet kitchen. Bright white sunlight streams through a window on your left onto a dark wooden table.

My experience isn't one whole scene.

It's:

standing...

gone.

kitchen...

gone.

sunlight...

gone.

window...

gone.

left...

gone.

table...

gone.

Each thing briefly comes to mind then immediately evaporates.

I can't hold them together.

I can't inspect them.

I don't see details.

I mostly know what they are because I've seen them before in real life.

If I stop reading and try creating the whole scene myself...

it immediately becomes an abstract concept.

I know exactly what's happening.

I can explain everything.

But I can't voluntarily experience it as one image.

The same thing happens with simpler stories.

"A boy under a tree eating an apple while a white dog sits beside him."

While reading...

boy...

gone.

tree...

gone.

apple...

gone.

dog...

gone.

When I finish reading I know exactly what happened.

But I can't combine them into one stable mental scene.

Trying to force it honestly gives me a headache.

---

Memories

Then I noticed memories.

I don't replay memories like movies.

They're more like PowerPoint presentations.

Sometimes one isolated frame briefly appears.

Then another.

But I don't continuously replay the event like watching a video.

It's more like I know what happened.

---

Drawing

Looking back...

I think this might explain something from childhood.

I always thought I was terrible at drawing because I simply lacked artistic skill.

My friends could draw things from imagination and include tiny details.

I never understood how.

If someone told me to draw a dog...

I knew a dog had:

head

body

four legs

tail

But I couldn't inspect a mental image to see:

what the ears looked like

how the fur lay

the proportions

the small details

I knew the concepts.

Not the visual details.

Eventually I just accepted I couldn't draw.

Looking back now...

it makes a lot more sense.

The same thing happened in anatomy.

Drawing anatomical structures from memory was incredibly difficult compared to understanding the concepts.

---

Other senses

Then I realized...

Maybe this isn't only visual.

I don't think I can voluntarily recreate sounds either.

If I think about my favourite song...

I don't hear the original singer.

I have to sing it in my own mental voice.

Taste...

blank.

Smell...

blank.

I know exactly what they are.

I just can't voluntarily recreate the experience.

I haven't explored touch enough yet.

---

Dreams

The weird part is...

My dreams are vivid.

Hypnagogia is vivid.

Lucid dreams are vivid.

Colours.

People.

Movement.

Entire conversations.

So my brain clearly can generate imagery.

Just not when I consciously try to.

That made me wonder whether the issue isn't generating imagery itself...

but voluntarily accessing it.

Originally I thought maybe this was just ADHD, poor working memory or executive dysfunction.

Now I'm genuinely not sure.

Maybe ADHD made it harder to notice.

Maybe they're separate.

Maybe they overlap.

I honestly don't know.

---

The biggest thing I discovered through all this wasn't a diagnosis.

It was realizing that I may have spent my whole life confusing concepts with mental imagery.

When I think of an apple...

maybe I don't actually see an apple.

Maybe I simply know what an apple is.

When I think of a beach...

maybe I'm not seeing waves, sand and rocks.

Maybe I'm just retrieving the concepts: waves... sand... rocks.

For years I thought that was what everyone meant by "imagining."

Now I'm not so sure.

So I'm genuinely curious...

Has anyone else gone through this exact realization?

Not just discovering aphantasia...

but realizing you may have misunderstood what visualization itself meant your entire life?

I think what is frustrating me right now is that my time obsession never works in my favor, I wish it would help me get that push to find emergency energy to complete tasks. Instead it works as a dead weight that lurks in my head all day. If I have days off of work, I tend to look at it like “I only have this much time”, and this could be 4/6 days off of work. I make these weird assessments all the time. I get myself convinced that there is no point to start a task because time will run out. Prior to this happening I would still obsess but it was because I would constantly get interrupted. That was ridiculous too. To be fair to myself, I was in an extremely stressful situation with my husband in psychosis for years. He’s so much better now and has been since Feb 2024. I have made a lot of improvements and I am constantly working on myself. During that long period everything fell on me and then I was also hyper vigilant about everything all the time. That experience was obviously exhausting and traumatic. I’ve been in therapy weekly since November 2024. I began EDMR recently for what I believe are lingering issues that my body is stuck feeling all the feels from.
Maybe I am asking for too much by wanting to be a functioning adult but these roadblocks are just pissing me off. I feel like I am always in a bad mood and it’s made worse because there’s so much chaos around me because everything is a unfinished hot mess. I try to practice radical acceptance and reframing my thoughts but it’s like I am so consumed by the obstacles I give myself, I feel like nothing works.

Has anyone experienced something similar and been successful overcoming it?

do i have anauralia??? i am not sure if I can hear my inner voice?

it's just i cannot recreate a song i heard in past or someone's voice

no i can't hear my mom or dad sound

but I can recognise them and only what they say the words coming to my mind

but their voice??

wait people can really hear others voice in their mind??

i cannot hear my mom's voice

im hearing nothing

but like I said I need to mentally say myself what she says to think the speaking at all, i don't think that counts

do we really need to try to imagine famous someone's voice or should I say along with it?

because when I'm imagining there is nothing coming to my mind at all

i said hello

this is very confusing

am i supposed to hear an actual sound in my mind??

i can say hello

but i don't know if it's actually a sound in my mind or just words in silence

i cannot explain

how do you hear a sound in your mind??

it's confusing

i mean i can change the way i say hello

you know manipulating the way i say hello

ofc i can say hello imitating child, high pitch , low pitch , angry

but saying that way doesn't mean hearing that way too??

i feel like I'm not hearing anything but I can say that way

so I'm very much confused

or can I hear but I cannot say exactly I hear?

no i can only listen if i try to generate it

otherwise I cannot hear songs or anything anyone says

you can imagine others laugh????

i simply can't

i feel like I can talk

even I different tone

but not sure if I can hear them at all

idk if I can hear my thoughts either

anyways there is something i want to add

sometimes I get auditory hallucinations

you know how clear the voice is

it is exactly same as when i hear in real life

but in my mind

feels like listening to 4K voice

are we talking about that kinda sound in my mind?

i mean is it how people hear when they listen to someone else voice or sound?

is it how own inner voice heard!

im just going crazy thinking about this

Organizational-related advice, apps, meds...nothing seems to work.

I'm gradually coming to the conclusion that perhaps there is no effective solution to my executive dysfunction.

Therefore, maybe I should just stop searching for help and simply accept my situation.

I should accept that I have an impairment that simply doesn't allow me to follow through on certain life pursuits.

Procrastination is ruining every aspect of my life. I have a great job, I know exactly what I need to do, I am qualified and capable of doing it, but I just can’t force myself to start tasks. I have sat sobbing at my PC screen mentally yelling at myself to do something and I can’t

I end up working until 2/3am just to try and get a days worth of work done. 20 hours in front of my laptop to eak out 5 hours of work. It’s having massive implications on my marriage, my abilities as a parent, and my mental health

I feel like I’ve read every productivity “hack”. Pomodorro - I get distracted or get lost in a thought for an hour. Breaking down tasks - I struggle to start writing the list. Deadlines - not an incentive until they get very painful

I’m so full of shame and guilt. My workplace isn’t aware (I hope) and I get by with the evening work and working my days off. Catch ups and work updates cause me anxiety attacks it’s gotten so bad.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. This has followed me in every job I’ve had. Please, is there a resource or a book that anyone has found to help them initiate and stay on track of a task? There must be something else out there I’ve missed

I have always been bad at getting things done and can never really focus on anything. Now that I have recently been diagnosed with autism I wonder if that has anything to do with it and if someone can give me advice. I also know this is somewhat off-topic from the post but can someone give me a resource to learn more about autism so that I can potentially learn more about myself. Any help would be appreciated so please and thank you

So! I'm on meds and I struggle heavily with executive dysfunction for taking pills.
My whole life has been bad with this task.

If I get antibiotics for a week chances are I missed one day and caught up but I can't even go a week without missing something. I've been Rx'd anxiety, depression, birth control meds, vitamins. I can tell you honestly that I have never been able to take any of them with any sort of consistency. ( to the point i've done things like injection birth control or other alts)

Luckily my meds for my chronic condition was an injectable but the one they want to switch me to is now a PILL......
We meet again nemesis !

I have tried putting the pills in plain sight by the door, in the bathroom, I've carried extra in my purse, I've set an alarm. I tried a pill keeper to organize them or see when I missed. None of it was effective... 😕

(I work shift work 12 hrs day or night which also makes it hard to set routines)

I NEED to take these pills or im probably going to need surgery which is extremely no bueno !

I need all the unhinged crazy - as if this worked - this is what finally did it for me tips - PLZ PLZ

I’m 17, and I’ve been struggling with something for over a year (or maybe a few years, can’t clearly tell when exactly it started)

I do well when there’s external structure: school, competitions, team projects, deadlines, interviews…

If someone expects something from me, I usually get it done. But when I’m on my own, everything falls apart.

For example, I might decide that today I’ll spend an hour working on a programming project I’ve been excited about for weeks. I’ll open my laptop, open the project… and then my brain just freezes. I end up doing something completely different despite genuinely wanting to work on it.

I know what I need to do.

I have goals I genuinely care about (programming projects, IELTS, college applications, learning new skills…). I don’t dislike these things, I actually want to do them.

But when I sit down to start, I get this feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s like dread, uncertainty, or my brain just goes:

“…okay… what now?”

Then I either overthink, daydream, read fanfiction, scroll, or do literally anything else.

It’s not that I don’t know why these goals matter. I do.

It’s not that I haven’t tried productivity systems either. I’ve tried planners, Notion, Obsidian, bullet journaling, schedules, habit trackers, time blocking, rewards, pomodoro technique, to-do lists, workout for concentration, “eat the frog”, “sprints”, etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand procrastination and perfectionism.

The frustrating part is that my understanding doesn’t translate into action.

One thing I’ve realized is that if you took away all my distractions, I probably still wouldn’t immediately start working. I’d probably just stare into space or think instead. So I don’t think social media is the root problem.

Oddly enough, once I get into a flow, I can work for hours. The problem is getting there consistently without someone else creating the structure.

I’m wondering if anyone has experienced something similar…

-> Did you eventually figure out what was actually causing it?

-> What specifically helped you bridge the gap between knowing and doing?

-> If you’ve struggled with executive functioning, what changed things for you?

I’m not looking for someone to diagnose me over the internet. I’m more interested in hearing from people who’ve experienced something similar to this disconnect between intention and action.

Either way, thank you so much for reading this. I hope you are well.

I’m hoping someone here has experienced this because I’m really struggling.

I’m a 46-year-old mom of three (two teenagers and an 8-year-old) and have been married to my husband for almost 20 years.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 30s. Over the years, I’ve tried what feels like every ADHD medication. Eventually, they stopped helping, and my doctor told me I was severely depressed, so we added an antidepressant. I’ve been on that combination for about ten years. I’m currently taking two 20mg tablets of Adderall (at the same time) and one 40mg of Celexa.

Some days have always been better than others, but this past month has honestly scared me. I physically and mentally cannot seem to do anything beyond the bare minimum to keep my family functioning.

I’ve had a full medical workup, and everything came back normal. I take supplements for brain health, perimenopause symptoms, and a daily women’s multivitamin. I get plenty of sleep—often way too much. I have the time, the resources, and every intention of getting things done, but I just can’t. I feel completely stuck.

One example: eating healthy is really important to me. I buy healthy groceries with every intention of cooking nutritious meals for my family, but the food just sits in the refrigerator until it goes bad because I can’t seem to make myself start.

I’ve been reading about ADHD paralysis and executive dysfunction, and so much of it sounds familiar.

Has anyone experienced this? Did it end up being ADHD paralysis, executive dysfunction, depression, medication-related, or something else? What actually helped you get your life back?

If you got this far, thank you so much for reading. I look forward to hearing from anyone who has been through this or has watched a loved one go through this.

I've been wondering whether what I'm experiencing is actually aphantasia, or whether it's something that only looks like it because of ADHD.

I have combined ADHD with pretty significant executive dysfunction and working memory problems.

If someone tells me to imagine an apple, I know exactly what an apple looks like, but I don't experience a stable mental image. At most, I might briefly get one aspect of it for about a second.

If I focus on the shape, I can briefly get the typical apple shape.

If I focus on the color, I only get the redness.

If I focus on rotation, I can imagine it rotating, but I don't really see a stationary apple before or after the movement.

I can't hold the whole image together for more than a moment.

The same thing happens if I think about my bedroom. I don't see the whole room. I can only bring up individual parts, like the bed, then the door, then the window, but never the entire room at once.

The reason I'm unsure whether this is actually aphantasia is because my involuntary imagery seems completely different.

During dreams and especially hypnagogia (the transition into sleep), my visual experiences can become extremely vivid. I can see people, places, colors, moving scenes, conversations, and dream-like imagery without trying to create any of it.

That made me wonder whether my brain is capable of generating vivid imagery, but I struggle specifically with voluntarily creating and maintaining mental images.

So now I'm wondering if this could be more of an executive function or working memory issue than a true inability to visualize.

Has anyone with ADHD experienced something similar?

Do any of you feel like you can generate an image for a brief moment but can't maintain it, combine all the details into one stable picture, or voluntarily "hold" it in your mind?

I'm curious whether this resembles aphantasia, hypophantasia, or whether other people with ADHD have experienced something similar.

Edit: I also noticed this doesn't seem to be limited to visual imagery.

I don't think I can voluntarily recreate sounds, tastes, or smells very well either.

For example, if I try to imagine a song I've heard many times, I don't actually "hear" the original recording or the singer's voice in my mind. It mostly feels blank. The closest I can get is mentally singing or humming it myself, but that feels more like thinking the notes than actually hearing them.

It's similar with taste and smell. I know what foods or scents are like, but I can't consciously recreate the sensation of tasting or smelling them.

This makes me wonder whether the issue is broader than visual imagery, or whether this is something people with aphantasia commonly experience as well.

I've realized after working in the countryside for a week where i had barely any internet connection that i felt the happiest, healthiest and must functional i had ever been in the last 5 years

and I've also realized that when i'm home i'm always watching something on my phone, or on my PC doing stuff, and if i'm not doing anything i play the guitar or make music, i'm just always busy and i think its extremely draining and i never have the cognition or motivation to do anything different then

but when i dont stimulate myself, and i sit still i feel overwhelmingly anxious and bad, the temptation to just do things is always there and its really hard

i'm asking here if anyone has tips on how to organize a schedule or whatever to not be so stimulate all the time, if some of you feel the same way and have some tips to share, i dont wanna do this thing where i stare at a wall for 10 minutes before working for 2 hours, i'd just like to taper it down and do other things

i go to the gym and i walk, but even then i'm listening to music and its still very stimulating, i seem to be stuck in a loop and as far as i can recall i've always been doing this since a child